Christmas! Texas! Stuff! Oh and new glasses.

So... in major steps taken today, I've ordered my first binder. I've ordered a plain white sleeveless t-shirt style from Underworks. I don't know if it's something I can actually use, but I've changed shape so much (some of it is actual mass lost) that the bras I have don't fit me at all, and honestly I'm sick of wearing them anyway.

I am greatly hoping it will arrive well before I leave for Texas again. Which, by the way, I am doing to go to Mom's wedding. She's getting re-married January 14th, to a peach of a man. He's a nice guy, he treats her well, and his kids are totally chill. They're grown, and people I have no issues being related to, by marriage or otherwise. Most importantly, he makes Mom happy.

I'll be flying out of Virginia January 12th, and arriving back January 17th, and will be staying with my baby sister Moose.

In other news I got new glasses yesterday. Osaka kinda bullied me into it but she did pay for them at least initially, so I can't complain too much. As it turns out waiting 5 years between eye exams is kind of a bad idea. I was having migraines on about a daily basis, regular eye strain and/or fatigue, and it had been going on between three to six months. So really, I was pretty overdue. But.. I still had to be bullied into it.

It was that way that Mom's have to kind of tweak your ear and remind you that it sucks way more not to do the necessary thing, than the minor annoyance of doing whatever that thing is. Not like calling me names or pushing me down the stairs. Though she could have done that. But she didn't.

I also got my hair cut, not that it will look any different to ya'll on the internet. The guy who cuts my hair was remarking that it looks great all cleaned up but it's a mess when I let it grow out. It apparently curls in the back in all different kind of directions when it gets longer than an inch.



And though I haven't mentioned it at all, I did have a great Christmas. This is the tree Christmas Eve, after Santa came:


I got some nice new gloves, a nice winter hat, legos from Ringo, a Batman figure, and a few other things I can't recall right now, but I was very happy with my gifts. And Pherret and Osaka and Ringo all seemed to be pleased with theirs. Ringo made out like a bandit. It was a very My Little Pony Christmas for him.

And today, before work I did a little shopping and got some new pajamas on clearance, a couple of new t-shirts, and a new light jacket. I'm slowly beginning to fill out my wardrobe.

Happy Holidays!

I've been meaning to post since I got back from Texas, but it just didn't happen, obviously.

I've been working doubleshifts pretty much back to back to back, since I got back, and we got a new computer/register system in, that everyone is having to learn. New policies for everything too, just in time to confuse us all (employees and customers alike) for the Holidays.

Partially related, I am someone who tends towards Holiday depression, and have, as long as I can remember. Tis the season for hurt feelings, shame, guilt, and feelings of worthlessness, for me at least. There doesn't even have to be anything big or new or stressful going on, for the seasonal depression to kick in, or intensify, depending on my base level. I'm doing okay at the moment, and I do still have my anxiety medicine to take as needed.

It does tend to be exacerbated by Pop Holiday music. I prefer classic Hymns for Christmas. I also get a bit ticked every time I hear that damn country song about buying shoes for the dying Mom for Christmas. I don't know exactly what kind of message they want it to send, but the message it sends to me, is that there is no reason to want to live, that life sucks and then you die, so get your crap together. So, when I hear this song at least once an hour because we are playing Pop!Holiday mix music (which includes some instrumental pieces and country), it makes me sad and angry.

I want to hear beautiful Chorus music, classic hymns, classical instrumental pieces, not people crooning about Santa, and Shopping, etc etc. On the other hand, I'm finding myself cross at some of the people posting on Facebook things like "It's MERRY CHRISTMAS, not HAPPY HOLIDAYS, REPOST if you're a PROUD CHRISTIAN!!!". I'm happy for you, and pleased that you are comfortable with your religion, and that you know why you're buying Winter Holiday gifts for friends and family. But what about those who celebrate OTHER religious holidays? What about Yule? What about Hanukkah? Kwanzaa? I may not celebrate them, but the are still valid religious or cultural winter holidays that take place around the same time as Christmas. I RESPECT that, and I wish my friends did too. It really gets under my skin actually.

I know probably 85% of my friends are Christian, and that's totally fine. I don't have any problems with Christians or Christianity. However, I also have friends who are Buddist, Pagan, Jewish, and probably some other religions I'm not aware of. And NONE of them have done that heavy handed "THIS IS ABOUT MY RELIGION NOT YOURS" crap.

Christmas in America SHOULD be about the Christian aspect if you are Christian. But if you aren't Christian, you're probably "celebrating" it out of cultural/social responsibility/expectation. And that's okay. You do what you have to do. But.. Please don't tell me how to celebrate my Winter Holidays.

And, so that this isn't just a long long rant, here. This is my family, together on Thanksgiving. I love them. The only ones not in the photo are one brother-in-law, and the nieces and nephews.

And this? This is my beard. It's beginning to fill out some.


Some of ya'll will recognize the majority of my family from the above photo. The rather tall older man in the back is my new Step-Father, as of January 14th 2012. I will (hopefully) be going home for the wedding. My Mom and he are a great match and I'm very happy for them both.

Which dolls do I take?

I've only got so much room to take dollies home with me. So I'm asking ya'll who I should take with me. I definitely want to take Noland with me, but he's the only sure thing. I have room for either 2 minies, or 4 tinies, or 1 mini and 2 tinies. Apollo and Ichigo are minies, and the rest are tinies. Photo-collage for those who may not remember who is who.

Which doll(s) should I take home with me? I'm trying to narrow it down from the ten I have in mind, Ichigo, Apollo, Doran, Sarabelle, Moonbeam, Starshine, Simon Oliver, Christopher Owen, Toby, and Noland.



And Noland, who is DEFINITELY going.

Pics, cause I got my hair cut.

So, I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I've decided to grow a beard. Or well, I'm trying at least. I do have some respectable scruff, but it's still pretty thin. I have to let it get pretty long to make it look fuller. I trimmed it up the other day in anticipation of getting my hair cut before I go home to visit my family.

I figure there will be alot of Holiday photos and I don't want to look like a Hobo, so I got my haircut, and I've groomed up my facial hair. I like it longer than it is right now, but it takes a while to grow out, and I wanted it to look right with the length of my hair, which I did get cut today.

I know the last two photos are similar but I liked them both too much to choose between them.





Nothing dramatic, I just got it trimmed up. I'm keeping it longer on top than I have been. Finding my look is difficult since I'm continuing to have subtle changes on a consistent basis. I think I definitely want contacts. My glasses look a little silly on my face anymore, since my face is a completely different shape than it was when I picked those frames out. And, my eyes seem to be alot more noticeable now, than they were pre-transition, and I'd really like to show them off.

Most of the photos from Thanksgiving will probably show me in my glasses, but I plan to take them off for any "official" family photos. The glasses are so old now, that most of the anti-glare coating is worn off. I think I will plan to get contacts probably in January.

Going home for Thanksgiving (2011)

So, I will definitely be heading home (to Texas) for Thanksgiving. I just managed to get my plane ticket on the 5th. I meant to buy it back in August but couldn't.

I'm planning to take some dolls with me, maybe swing a meetup if at all possible. There's no shortage of doll folk in DFW but I don't know if there are any meetups scheduled around Thanksgiving. I should poke in at DOA and find out. If there aren't it'll just be me, Mom, Faythe, and maybe Mom's boyfriend's kids who also collect BJDs, if they don't have other plans.

I'm also taking my laptop but I don't know whether I'll really be online at all. I'm hoping to get one on one time with each of my siblings, and also planning to bring Batman Arkham City, for Faythe to ogle and play.

There's not really much left for me to do, but to wait, try to cement basic plans, and figure out exactly how much clothing I need or want to take, while leaving room for prescriptions and toiletries. I figure a pair of shorts or two, jeans, a hoody because even if it's Texas it is still late November, and several t-shirts should get me through the week.

There are alot of people I'd like to see in theory, but mostly I'm coming home to see Family. Anything else is bonus. I haven't seen my family (not including Faythe) since I left Texas to come back to Virginia Beach, and I miss them. And none of them have seen me since I started my medical transition. We've talked on the phone and such, but that's not quite the same.

I know I look different, and sound different, and I'm hoping that getting to spend time one on one with my siblings and Mom, will show them I'm still me, just finally happy. I'm finding that as I get to a healthier place I'm really excited about actually getting to know my sisters for the people they really are, rather than the people I've assumed they've become based on old prejudices and hurt feelings.

I will admit, that same skittish part of me, that was prone to hurt feelings and misunderstandings as a child, is screaming in the back of my head that I'm wrong, and my family can't possibly love me for who I am. Luckily I seem to be in a much saner place than I was as a child, and I recognize that feeling as baseless fear. I think they proved that irrational fear-based part of me wrong when I called them and came out.

I do understand that some of them may not agree with my decision to transition, based upon their religious beliefs, which I do respect. I don't think that makes them love me any less though. It just makes it harder to accept what they see as a choice on my part.

That fear-based part of me, doesn't want to post the entirety of this entry to the public, family-read blog, but I feel that I owe that honesty to my family. Because I feel that staying closeted, I lied to them for too many years. This isn't meant to make anyone uncomfortable. It's only meant to be honest.

Innes The Water Dragon

Awhile back I made a really brief reference to a doll I was getting. When the doll arrived I didn't know what to do with it. It was nothing like the pictures had led me to believe.

This evening as I was coming down from an anxiety attack, I was struck by how this character was actually supposed to look. I sketched him out, and began to flesh him out more, as a character.



I've never touched much on the magical universe that Doran, Starshine, and Moonbeam inhabit, or how it relates to the universe(s) my other does inhabit.

The world I picture for what I call my magic babies, is very small. Like British Isles small. I've never been there, but I've had dreams and fantasies, based on my daydreams, and pinches of appropriate mythology.

I don't have a name for this alternate universe because it doesn't really feel like an alternate universe to me. It's more like a pocket of magic in a somehow untouched and undiscovered part of our world. Whether it's the natural and old magic of the area, or the village of witches right at the cusp, or the old magical beings, the elementals, the other mythical and mystical beings.

Moonbeam is a young witch living in a village built at the edge of an old magical body of water. It's a lake, self-contained, and there are parts of the village built right out onto the water, on the ancient stone that juts out into the lake.

Magic is a tool that you learn young, if you have the talent for it, and some are more inclined than others. Moonbeam has some natural talent, but she is very young, and not yet bonded to an elemental or guardian spirit, who are supposed to guide and teach their young magical companions. Commonly young witches are paired with young elementals or spirits who have a good natural rapport.

This world is a blend of Celtic/Gaelic, Irish, Scottish, and Welsh myths and cultures, combined through my own bias. Moonbeam resides in what would be closest to my ideal Ireland. Doran resides in my version of Scotland. Starshine passes between the two, favoring Moonbeam's land.

In the lake, that the Village is built on, reside many water elementals, all friendly, some very old, some very young. One of them, Innes, was to be paired with Moonbeam, when the both reached the age of the joining. Innes, is the Water Dragon, my concept sketch seen above.

I see him as a furred dragon with long flowing hair, and a tail made of the same long flowing hair. I'm also toying with the idea of modding him with fins on his arms and legs, but I will see what I see when the doll I intend for the character arrives.

Because Starshine and Moonbeam are both Beyla heads, and Innes is strongly entwined in their story, it was important that his aesthetic meld smoothly with theirs. So, I've tentatively settled on a Littlefee Elf Chiwoo (girl version). I plan to modify the body to gender neutral, because I like the Girl Elf Chiwoo face better than the Boy Elf Chiwoo face, and it's just easier than modding the boy body neutral.

The only reason I've gone into quite so much detail is because in my original entry I didn't, and I like being able to go back and see what details I've developed in the past.

Videogame Etiquette

So, I'm one of those gamers that generally prefers to play games on my own. I don't mind games with co-op modes, but over-all, I prefer single player games. I also prefer to figure puzzles and such out on my own. I'm a reasonably intelligent guy, and most of the time, if I come at things from enough angles I can figure it out on my own.

One thing I HATE, is when someone natters on about what I'm doing. Whether it's "Hey, what's that over there?" or "Have you tried X Y Z?" if I'm in a bit of a challenge, or just general commentary. I don't like it. It makes what may already be a challenging bit, mindnumblingly difficult.

So, when I was playing Batman Arkham City, and literally stumbled into the Penguin's lair, with Tiny his pet shark, I got a little frustrated. It's one of those things that I can do, if I have peace and quiet and plenty of chances to try it from different angles.

However, what I had instead was Pherret (and Ringo to a much lesser degree) doing the above. "What's that? Try this! Do that over there! What happens if-"

So when I died for the fifth time in a row without snapping off, which took all my self control, and RAGE!QUIT, I was a little upset when Pherret IMMEDIATELY turned to me and asked "Do you mind if I play it for a bit?"

"A little bit actually, cause I'm pretty worked up over it right now" is what I actually said. What I wanted to do was scream "REALLY?! Cause I could have played this and gotten through this section much easier if you would kindly shut the hell up!"

I don't think I'm completely off-base thinking it's rude to ask to play a game someone just rage!quit from. It's nothing to do with ownership of the game, or what else is on TV. It's just that I wouldn't necessarily have been driven to rage!quit if he could have kept his damn mouth shut in the first place.

It is something I have struggled with myself, the keeping quiet when someone else is playing a game. But I believe that the polite thing to do is keep it to myself unless someone else actually asks for my thoughts or opinions on the game.

I had a conversation along these lines with Ringo earlier today and he seems to get it. I wish I could have this conversation with Pherret, but I'm certain he would take it personally.

Dollies! Osaka's Lagoon arrived this morning. :)

So, about 20 minutes before I was about to head out to the bus stop this morning, there was a knock on the door. This was maybe, MAYBE five minutes after Christy went "Oh snot, Lagoon is out for delivery, I hope they deliver it before the parent teacher conference".

Osaka and I were delighted by the polkadot packing tape. Please excuse the blurriness of my photos, my hands were shaking in excitement.


The outfit in the little decorative box. Every detail was just so cute. :]


A better shot of the skirt and Osaka smiling down at the box.


I don't know if Batchix made the cushion/sleeping bag or not, but it's totally cute. Oh and that's Sadie with the laser eyes. She's a pug/boston terrier mix.


When Osaka pulled Lagoon (as of yet un-named) free, she noticed that the left eye had shaken loose in transit which is funny, because there's this ongoing theme of left eye injuries in Osaka's life. Lagoon seems rather less amused about this.


A better shot of her, free of the bubblewrap, and torso joint in place.


And finally, one of her, eyes fixed, with Osaka's Mod MNF Ruth, Xiahou Dun.

First Order from Kondoll

So I ordered this outfit August 12th from Kondoll. It said in stock, so I was under the impression the items were pre-made. I received an e-mail on August 22nd, asking what specific doll type the outfit was for, because apparently Kondoll custom tailors for each doll type. Which is fine, because the site did say it to allow between 20 and 30 days for shipping.

Then I didn't hear anything for a bit, but didn't notice because I was distracted with looking for work and such. So, one day I happened to check my bulk mail for something unrelated and saw a message from Kondoll dated September 23rd, with a shipping number, also apologizing for the long wait. I don't know why it got filtered to spam, but I moved it to inbox and sat on it. I discovered this only a day or two after it actually got sent.

Tracking never did updated. I kept trying but I got nothing but errors on the chinese tracking site, and the USA didn't confirm that it ever entered the country. Finally it turned up Thursday evening October 13th. That is, two full months after I placed the order initially.

Upon opening the package I discovered it to be made of exquisite quality. I paid $41 US dollars, airmail shipping included. They could have charged about 65-70 for the outfit alone. Some of there stuff is for that much. Only real problem was that this wasn't the exact item I ordered. It was the nearly identical one, and it was handmade, fits perfectly, and the one I debated ordering instead so I'm really not upset. It's just worth noting, that after waiting two months, while the outfit is made beautifully, and everything I'd hoped for, it's not exactly what I ordered.

That said, Noland is happy. This is his first proper outfit. I do plan to order from Kondoll again, taking into account the length of time I should expect, and springing for EMS next time if it is offered. Cause I don't like knowing I could have had it in hand after shortly after a month.

30 gaming questions answered (some with pictures)

I yoinked this from my sister Faythe(Nekokoi). Some of our answers are the same or similar.

1: Very first video game.
Dragon Warrior(Quest)

2: Your favorite character.
Link.

3: A game that is underrated.
Fable (3)

4: Your guilty pleasure game.
Pretty much any Pokemon game.

5: Game character you feel you are most like (or wish you were).
I wanna be a pokemon trainer/breeder. :B

6: Most annoying character.
Navi from Ocarina of Time.

7: Favorite game couple.
Link/Sheik

8: Best soundtrack.
Katamari Damacy

9: Saddest game scene.
The scene, in Dragon Quest 4, when your childhood best friend takes your form, to save your life, and is slaughtered by monsters. It moves me to tears every time.

10: Best gameplay.
Zelda: Ocarina of Time

11: Gaming system of choice.
Xbox 360, but I also play my Nintendo DS quite a bit.

12: A game everyone should play.
Guitar Hero

13: A game you’ve played more than five times.
Any Pokemon game.

14: Current (or most recent) gaming wallpaper.

(Pokemon)

15: Post a screenshot from the game you’re playing right now.

(Fable 2)

16: Game with the best cut scenes.
I've always liked the cut scenes in Final Fantasy.

17: Favorite antagonist.
Ganon

18: Favorite protagonist.
Link

19: Picture of a game setting you wish you lived in.

(Pokemon)

20: Favorite genre.
RPG/Adventure.

21: Game with the best story.
Dragon Quest 4

22: A game sequel which disappointed you.
Pokemon White/Black. Too story heavy. I prefer the Red/Blue/Yellow style that played all the way through each game with the last in that style being Pokemon Soul Silver.

23: Game you think had the best graphics or art style.
Oh man, Zelda Twilight Princess KILLED me with the beautiful world and characters. Killed me dead. The story isn't my favorite but the graphics make up for it, for me.

24: Favorite classic game.
Pokemon Yellow. I go back and play it alot.

25: A game you plan on playing.
Zelda: Ocarina of Time for 3DS. I already own it. I just don't have my 3DS yet.

26: Best voice acting.
Not a factor for me.

27: Most epic scene ever.
Final Fantasy X when Sin shows up for the first time. That blew my mind.

28: Favorite game developer.
Enix! They developed Dragon Warrior (Quest)

29: A game you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up loving.
Fable 3. Everyone talks smack about Fable but I really liked 3, and now I've bought 2 and am enjoying it, so far.

30: Your favorite game of all time.
Dragon Quest 4.

Discussions with Ringo

I was delighted today, when Osaka relayed a conversation she had with Ringo today. They were having a very pleasant time of running errands, moods in good order and all that.

And she asked Ringo, "What do you know about Rory?"

Ringo replied "Awesome gamer with mad skills who likes cute things"

Osaka clarified "Well what about Robyn becoming Rory?"

And he said "What about it?"

She asked, "Is that just Rory being Rory?"

and he said "Yes!"

"Is it because no matter what, he's still the same on the inside?"

and again he responded "Yes!" and gave her a look like she was a bit crazy. Like it's no big deal.

Which is awesome. We've been open about the change, but not stressing it. It's just something that we are dealing with, the way we don't make a big deal over my asthma, or Osaka's depression, or Pherret's PTSD. It's just one of the things that our family deals with, and there's no reason it has to be a huge stressful deal, because there are other things that ARE worth that kind of attention. Like, Pherret's deathly allergic reactions to shellfish, or Ringo's performance at school, or anything else that is obviously more important.

It's made things easier for everyone to roll with one change at a go.

It's also worth noting that I am getting sir'ed more consistently in public, especially now with the more obvious facial hair, despite the chest. To the point that I got the stink eye from some pre-teen girls when I went to wash my hands in the women's restroom at Cracker Barrel this morning. They were asking loudly "This IS the girls room right?" and staring pointedly at me. I felt really awkward but I was just trying to wash my hands before I ate. @_@ I get a bit nervous going into the mensroom yet. I will be relieved when I have had and healed from my chest surgery, and it will make more sense for everyone to see me in the mensroom.

What spurred the conversation mentioned above, was that Ringo had started to use a male pronoun to refer to me, then stopped and corrected himself. And Osaka told him it was okay to use male pronouns for me, that it was correct. Which was funny because at breakfast he'd been drawing evil mustaches on all the boys on his menu, and informed us "Girls don't grow mustaches.. Well except for Rory but she doesn't count." He's been kind of flip-flopping on pronoun usage for a week or so. I think, because Osaka has been consistently using male pronouns for months, and Pherret is flip-flopping them. He WAS using male pronouns soley when we we're out of the house, but he outted me three times in a week awhile back and I chewed him a new one, so he stopped using them at all.

Shaving, or the lack thereof.

So, I'm out at my new workplace, which should probably go without saying. I am going by my chosen name, so that I can get used to responding to it, and the only people who know my legal name, are management.

I've also stopped shaving. While I was putting in on online applications I stopped shaving entirely and discovered that my beard filled in alot better than it did when I was shaving it about twice a week. So, I'm letting it grow and see how it fills in. I've got a good amount of fuzz coming in, but it's not a full beard yet, or even really close to it.

I had planned to shave and ignore it until I was post-chest surgery, but I am getting more consistently read as male when I have the 5 o'clock shadow. Babyface means I get Ma'am still, even with the dropped voice and masculine face. And oh boy has my face gone that way. These photos are from last night:




It's amazing to me how much my face continues to change. It was awkward and puffy for months as everything adjusted. I seem to be past all that now, and the acne I was experiencing has mostly cleared up. Especially since I stopped shaving. I've had trouble spots on my right side to the extent that not as much hair comes in on that side. I'm just washing and moisturizing it now, not shaving, not trimming.

Once it all gets to a length I'll begin trimming it, but for now, I'm letting it go a bit. :]

Technically employed.

So, exciting news. I have a job. A friend of mine let me know when a bunch of her co-workers got canned for various reasons, and I put in my application. Luckily enough I'd done some chit-chat and pleasant small-talk with the store manager, night before at said friend's birthday party. She (the manager) and the other manager think I am exactly what they are looking for.

My orientation (paperwork etc) is tomorrow starting 1pm, and they'll have me stay to begin training. I had to run around and buy some things last minute since they have a set uniform. I went and got some black slacks, a new black belt, and some black polishable work boots. They'll have a work shirt for me in a day or two, and in the meantime I can wear a blue polo (which I already have) to work.

It's a little shop that is essentially a "classy" pawnshop. It looks like a rent-to-own place in terms of the quality of products and the way it's all displayed, and the associates are all friendly. I'm already on great terms with three of the managers since one of them, is the afore-mentioned friend, who is in her manager training right now. The other two, were impressed with my diplomacy, and my ability to say no, firmly and apologetically. Because, this is a shop that buys their stock from customers, to sell. They don't get shipments from other places, everything for sale is stuff they've bought from people. And Katy, the friend of mine, says they want me for the buy shop, because they think I'll be pretty good at knowing what I can and should buy and what a reasonable price is, and how to let people down easy or diffuse angry people as necessary.

The job is on a 30 day probationary term, but it's certainly a start. Katy has been there quite a while, and I know if I have questions she'll be able to help me out as necessary. I'm nervous because it's different from the retail experience I do have, but I'm excited because it means I am, at least for the moment, employed. If this turns out not be something I can do well, at least it's something bringing in a paycheck for the moment.

Apollo has a face!

So Osaka painted Apollo up for me yesterday, much to my delight. I went to a birthday party though so there were no pics until today. :] I'm very pleased with how he turned out. However, I find that white dolls are still a pain and a half to photograph without them going all glowy and washed out in direct sunlight. :[

Anyhow these the my favorites from today. :D

The second to last one is my desktop wallpaper now. Funnily enough my last three wallpapers have been my Soom dolls. The first was Doran, and the one I had until now was Starshine. :]

Two drawings and a minor rant.

Okay, I don't pretend to be a spectacular artist, but I occasionally do sketches that I'm happy with. These fall into that category.

The first is a self portrait. I don't do them frequently for probably pretty obvious reasons. Or if I do, they aren't especially accurate. This one is more than they generally are.

And then we have Apollo. That would be my Soom Shale. His new wig has arrived, but he is not yet painted. I'm still getting a feel for his personality, but I'm pleased overall.



I tend to bond with my dolls through sewing for them, and exploring how they (their characters) might react to theoreticall situations. Apollo seems to be playful, a bit snarky, and maybe a touch of a hipster. I want to make him a t-shirt or three with "ironic" sayings. Overall though he seems to be pretty sweet, and have a clear sense of what he wants to wear, which makes things easy in theory. So far, I've made him a pair of star-print boxer-briefs, and I have fabric set aside to make him a hoodie or t-shirt (or both), and some denim. I need to draft a skinny jean pattern.

If weather permits, Apollo will probably get faceupped tomorrow morning. There's just too much going on tonight for that to be an option.

Side rant:

I'm very very pleased Pherret enjoyed his vacation and came home safely. I am displeased that he's been spooling back up a bit more each day since his return. He was really chill and relaxed for about four days, and has been chippy on a sliding scale for the last three days. Sunday we were all home for the first time in MONTHS, because I used to work every weekend. It was a pretty quiet mellow day until out of the blue he snapped off about how he was sick of hearing us yell at Ringo and the dogs all damn day. Osaka and I exchanged a side glance and bit our tongues. We'd been calling Ringo and the dogs most of the day, just like "Hey come here a minute" or "Hey Bitsy/Sadie, lay down/come here/get out of that". Basic commands/direction none of which were said in anything more than a casual/relaxed tone.

I'm so tired of him being stressed out all the time. I want to be supportive and I KNOW it's the PTSD, but I've just lost all patience for him. It's come down to me retreating into my headphones with a quiet word to Osaka that I've reached my max Pherret Socialization. How sad is that? He's seriously one of my very good friends, and while he and I aren't as close as Osaka and I are, I'd like to be able to be frank and honest with him, and I just CAN'T talk to him about it at all. All attempts turn into him talking over the person, and/or flat out ignoring/misinterpreting what they say. He gets crazy beligerant, and rude, and there's just no talking to him.

I am so exasperated. He's a great friend, but he's incredibly hard to live with, with the PTSD. It wasn't like this (at least not NEARLY to this extent) pre-Afghanistan.

Introducing Apollo (Soom Shale)

My Soom Shale arrived today! My hands are shaking a bit too much, and I haven't gotten any good photos yet. He doesn't have a faceup yet, but Osaka has agreed to do him up for me, once she's feeling a bit better.

I did have some great eyes on hand for him, and he's borrowing one of Ichigo's fur wigs right now. His wig shipped yesterday, so should arrive tomorrow or Friday.

This is the wig I've got coming for him:


I wasn't expecting Shale to arrive today at all. My tracking never updated past the 4th, where it cleared customs at 5:31am. I'd had my hopes up yesterday and was REALLY disappointed when my new laptop cord arrived but there was no box from Soom. I mean I needed the cord, mine died mysteriously last week, and I've been borrowing Osaka's on and off as my computer has needed charging. But, I wasn't remotely excited, I was just overwhelmed with disappointment. So I had no expectations for today.

Which, is probably why I was still feeling a bit less than enthusiastic when I initially started opening the box. I mean I got over it real fast, but I was well into the box before I started to feel that new doll glow.

I'm not crazy about the unicorn parts in this scale. I mean there's nothing WRONG with them, but they don't charm me the way that Starshine does. I've set those parts aside and will come look at them again later.

After dressing Shale and playing with him a bit, I've concluded that his name is Apollo. I don't think there is any actual connection with the Greek mythology, but I brushed up on it anyway. :]

And now that my hands aren't shaking so badly, here he is. My apologies for his lack of faceup. That will be remedied shortly.



It's interesting to me, what differences there are, not just in scale, between Shale, and Beyla. The eyes are a slightly different shape, the lips are much lippier, and the face is longer but still rather baby-faced. I may do a side-by-side comparison between Moonbeam and Apollo once he's got a faceup.

Sadface.

Bah! I was really hoping Shale would arrive today but he was only released from Customs at 5:31am. I know he would arrive tomorrow normally. However, tomorrow is Labor Day. So I will likely have Shale in hand Tuesday instead. :( EMS does deliver on Sundays here, so it wasn't a ridiculous expectation.

Also the last several dolls I've gotten direct from company (read Iplehouse) were in my hands less than 42 full hours after they shipped. So I had kind of high expectation.

And aside from slight letdown, I've been feeling a little rundown today. I woke up at a reasonable hour, 9:30-ish, and from the start just felt weak.

Now I'm attributing it to a combination of fatigue from being out and about for 3 days running, and being back on my thyroid medicine. I refilled all my prescriptions 2 weeks ago but overlooked that one, somehow, and so I was off it for about 2 solid weeks. Today was my second day back on it, and I've felt weak, heat sensitive, and dizzy/lightheaded. I think fatigue plays a huge part in it as well, both physical and emotional fatigue. I've had a hell of a month.

Blood sugar may have also played a part. I've gotten used to eating 3 times a day, at pretty regular intervals, on workdays. I'd eat some breakfast, pack a balanced and filling lunch, and frequently have a nice dinner waiting for me when I got home from work.

On non-work days I tend to forget to eat. There's no pressure to eat when I first wake up, if I'm not going anywhere. I might remember that I should eat, about five hours after I wake up, but if I'm home I'm probably playing videogames, or engrossed in conversation or crafts etc with Osaka, so there's no guarentee I'll eat then either.

Today I ate some leftovers a few hours after I woke up. Several hours later I was laying on my bed playing Pokemon and ignoring hunger pains until Osaka came to visit with me. I ate a handful of cheezits.

Cue a dizzy spell when finally feeling hungry I walk to the store with Osaka to pick up dinner. So I ate a bag of peanut M&Ms on the walk home. I felt wobbly, I got pale, and I felt flushed. That was why I thought it might be the thyroid medicine. It can cause heat sensitivity and flushing. Osaka pointed out that it was likely blood sugar. Because she is smart.

The End.

First phone interview.

I had a phone interview with Geico today. If I am hired, which is pending approval from a hiring manager after they get results from a background check, I would be starting at just shy of $14 an hour. And, I'm told, after the first three months of training, it would increase by 10%. Which would put me at around $15 and some change.

That's nearly double what I made at Home Depot. And this is just a normal customer service job, from what explained to me. I'd work in their call center as a customer service rep. I've already had to deal with that sort of work, working returns, and as a head cashier.

I've worked in call centers before, and don't mind that sort of work, as long as it isn't telemarketing. I have NO issues with people calling in, needing help. I worked as a telesales associate at Ticketmaster when I lived in McAllen, Texas, and I didn't mind that job at all.

If I am approved, I would begin training with the next batch of hires on September 26th. During training, I'd be working day hours, Mon-Fri, I believe he said in the 8-5 range. After three months I would likely be moved to evenings, which would be 3:30-Midnight, and working alternating weekends. I don't mind that, but the buses don't run that late, so I'll need to make sure Pherret won't mind picking me up that late until I can get something else lined up.

And, un-related to that, I went by my normal doctor today, and had some blood work done. My Gender clinic closed down inexplicably in the March or April time-frame, and I haven't yet found a new specialist. My normal doctor is taking over that aspect of my care until I can find a new specialist, so they took some blood to get a new baseline, and he wrote me a prescription for my maintenance-level testosterone. I'm relieved, as I was worried about stalling out in this, while trying to find work again.

I've also just about settled on my name. I've chosen Rory Math C***. I was considering Rorick for the first name, because it is the correct spelling of Rorek, which I've gone by, for about a decade, but I decided that since I would likely be shortening it to Rory anyway, that I will just make that the name.

And one last thing COMPLETELY unrelated to job and transition, I got a shipping notice.

Way back when Shale and Adamelli were released, Osaka was kind enough to order Shale for me, and let me pay her back over time. I had a different doll on layaway at the time I believe, which is why I couldn't/didn't order it myself.

I'm really excited, and I'm thrilled that I will have a shiny new doll to play with while I wait for Geico to get back to me. They said the earliest I would likely hear from them would be Tuesday or Wednesday.

And timing-wise, this feels like a good thing, because I should have my final dental work done before the 26th, and so have nothing extraneous to worry over, in the event that I do get hired. Please wish me luck.

Picking a name.

I've been thinking hard lately about my name. Originally I'd wanted to keep my birthname, because it can be gender neutral, and I wanted my transition to be as easy as possible on my family.

I know this is a somewhat common problem for people in my position. Some jump in, and end up cycling through many names, just adding to the confusion for those struggling to help and support them. I wanted to avoid that. However, I think I do need to step away from the name I grew up with.

That name calls to mind, a young girl, for many people. And I'm not that girl. I was her, once, a long time ago, but I haven't been that little girl for quite a while.

The further I get along though, the more I see a need to have an obvious separation from that part of myself. I recognize it, and won't deny my past, but I feel that it's important that I take a new name, that fits me.

So I come to my current position. I need to pick a name. If my family and friends have any suggestions, I will happily hear them out. I'd prefer to keep my initials if I can.

Alot of transmen who name themselves end up with (in my opinion) ridiculous names, that out them as being something other than a traditional male. They go for weird spellings or unusual names for the time they were born. That's why I'm asking advice.

I know Rorek isn't a common name. Robyn is an uncommon (but known) spelling for a common name. I want something I will be able to respond to and feel right. I want something mostly normal but a little different, like what I had as a kid. I want it to sound right next to the names of my siblings and parents. And I want it to be something I can easily learn to respond to. I'd LIKE to keep my initials, RMC.


These are the R names I've found in my searchings (for first names):

Ronan - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) little seal (the animal)

Roarke - Irish Celtic boys name which means (meaning) famous ruler

Rhain - Welsh Celtic boys name which means (meaning) lance (implying brave warrior)

Rory - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) red haired or red king

Rowan - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) little redhead


These are the M names I've looked at:

Melan - Celtic name of a Saint in Cornwall and Brittany

Math - Welsh boys name of uncertain origin or meaning but was a historical Welsh King

Moran - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) white as the sea


I want something with a similar ring to my birth name, and I think combining some of these can get that. I've leaned towards Celtic, Irish, and Welsh names because of my heritage, of which I am immensely proud. I am open to more traditional American names too.

Ideally I'd like to get the name picked and have my legal name change done before year's end.

Dental Procedure part 2 of 3.

Today was a beautiful day, weather-wise. There's supposed to be some storms this evening. We (Ringo, Osaka, and I) trotted down to the Dentist's office for the second half of my dental work.

It was a bit more involved than I was aware it would be. I didn't realize they were grind down all of the remaining tooth. I thought it was more of a cap, than a false tooth bolted into the root of the original tooth. I wasn't entirely prepared for how much drilling there was, but Dr Furman was very patient with me.

Today they did the post, core, and a temporary acrylic crown, and molds/impressions to send off for my permanent crown.

One unusual thing, was that I was still able to feel the tooth, which I apparently wasn't supposed to, because of the root canal. I've had continued sensation, but no pain, since the initial procedure on the 12th.

And I continue to feel the tooth, even though, at this point all that remain are the roots, which have been thoroughly cleaned out.

The temporary crown feels a little weird. I showed it to Osaka and Ringo and they say it blends against my teeth, to where you can't tell which tooth is the false one. I'm told the permanent crown will feel more natural.

All in all, far less of a trauma than the root canal was, even though there was alot of unexpected grinding and drilling.

I go back in about two weeks for the permanent crown once it arrives to the office. That procedure at least, is supposed to be a simple one, of just popping off the plastic crown, and then permanently adhering the permanent crown.

In the meantime I'm told to avoid gum, taffy, anything sticky and chewy, and hard crunchy things. I miss gum and corn nuts. e_e;;

Awake and Thinking

I find it strange that I am somehow less stressed now that all sense of job security is shattered and I am seeking employment.

I'm still suffering from insomnia, panic attacks, etc, but they are overall far less severe than they were say, a month ago, when I was oblivious and miserable doing what I'm doing.

I wanted to find to new work anyway. I just wanted to find it before I ended my current position.

I'm finding myself even considering drawing and sewing again, both of which I all but gave up upon working full time. My position was technically a part time one, but I regularly had 40 hour weeks, and never weekends off.

I wouldn't want to (and can't afford to) go back to a part time job, but I am finding my creativity weaving it's magic again.

For instance, right now I'm wide awake. I work tomorrow but it's a closing shift. There's no feasible reason I couldn't stay up until the wee hours of the morning sewing or drawing, or just playing with my dolls. There's no light for that, but I mean that's all that is really keeping me from busting out clothes or fabric and playing dress up.

I miss this. I've been too stressed to do anything after work for about a year. Maybe longer. I come home, eat something, make a pitiful attempt at socialization, and crawl off the bed dreading tomorrow.

Right now, I'm energized from a refreshing soak in the tub, and ready to DO something. And, I don't mean turn on the xbox, or watch a movie. I actually have energy to try doing something creative. It's silly how big a deal this is.

I almost feel excited about the impending unknown. And, given my hesitance to change, this is a good thing, I think.

1 year on Testosterone, and why I'm not at Home Depot.

Today was officially one year on Testosterone. If I remember correctly, I had my first shot August 22nd, 2010. Actually I should've made this post on the 20th, according to what I have recorded on livejournal. Even so.

Alot has happened in one year, and I took some photos later the other night when insomnia was keeping me up. I have changed alot physically. It's most noticeable in my face, and so I present to you, this comparison.


It may seem subtle, but when I look at older photographs it's hard for me and others to recognize that as me. Even photos from 6 months ago, or 3 months ago, look different.

Granted I haven't been great about taking photos over the past year. I've gone through alot of uncomfortable changes that I didn't want photographic evidence of. I had issues with acne for several months at the beginning, and it took a long time for that to settle down and my body to adjust.

It's been a long year. It's been stressful. But I'm still standing, and I'm still happy.

The job hunt continues. I've been putting in applications, heard back (negatively) from some, heard back from others that my application(s) are under consideration.

The situation with Home Depot had to do with two (completely bogus) customer complaints. Customer complaints count for more than any other issues, and two was all it took for me to go on final notice, from no issues. It was recommended to me that I could put in my two weeks notice and retain re-hirable status, or I could wait for any minor complaint and be let go unceremoniously.

Because of the pending dental procedure, to finish my root canal, on the 29th, I did put in two weeks notice. This way I will still be technically covered during the time of the procedure, and I can theoretically go crawling back (but apply for a different department) in a few months if I find nothing else.

Other factors, that I had to consider, were the uncertainty of my future in Virginia Beach, which depends on where Pherret finds civilian employment, and the fact that Home Depot already had my replacement hired.

If I hadn't put in two weeks notice, they would have found something insignificant they could let me go over. So that's the whole story.

Job Hunting, Again.

Without going into uncomfortable detail, I've put in my two weeks notice at the big orange box. I'm currently putting applications elsewhere and hoping/praying for the best. Please wish me luck.

My last day at Home Depot will be September 4th. Once things have settled down I will explain in more detail.

I still need a RAGE/ROREK SMASH/etc icon. :[

High-Five your FACE!

So Osaka told me that I needed to share with you, oh friends of the internet, something dumb I did yesterday.

We were in Five Below (a great novelty shop with everything $5 or less) and she found something awesome. I don't remember what it was exactly, just that I was excited, and I had the urge to high-five her face. It should be noted that she was in a fragile emotional state, and gave me a startled and somewhat wounded face when I told her of my urge.

For the record I did not infact, make contact with her face, with my hand, open or closed.

Sorting Hat: Ravenclaw

I stole this from a friend who got surprising results. I like how it gives you percentages instead of just placing you.

Your result for The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz]...

Ravenclaw

53% Ravenclaw, 50% Hufflepuff, 44% Slytherin and 51% Gryffindor!

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,

if you've a ready mind,

Where those of wit and learning,

Will always find their kind;

The cardinal traits of Ravenclaw are intellect, wit and openness to experience. They are the most introverted house of the four. Ravenclaws are more likely to prefer small gatherings of like-minded individuals and require recooperation after stressful social interaction. These individuals are intuitive creatures, the quintessential researchers. They lack the stubborn, strict, and rule-abiding qualities that would inhibit intellectual growth—one can't be too set in their ways if they are to be open to exploring new ideas and paths of thought.In contrast to Slytherin and Gryffindor, Ravenclaws in general are much more emotionally stable. Their reactions seem dampened compared to the sometimes dramatic responses of the other houses—they're much less likely to get offended, they're more open to criticism, not particularly argumentative and interested in hearing different points of view. They can at times seem to be less interested in people and more interested in their own inner world, and appear to be disconnected from the rest of humanity.

Ambition is secondary to them. Although they may strive to excel in school, knowledge and self-enrichment is the primary goal as opposed to simply wanting good marks. If they do happen to strive for excellence, it is because it fits with their other goals, not out of a desire to be superior or the best. Due to their intuitiveness and willingness to listen, Ravenclaws can be empathetic and make good advisors. They should generally leave leadership roles to people who are more extraverted and who would enjoy them more, however.

Take The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz] at HelloQuizzy

The root canal was only a minor trauma.

I don't know if I've ever explained my fear of dentistry. I take pretty good care of my teeth, overall, but for the last 10 years or so (minus my time at Home Depot) I have been without Dental insurance. So my last dental procedure was getting a filling replaced 11 years ago.

Prior to that, I went to the dentist only if we know there was a problem, so maybe a handful of times in my youth. My first experience that I remember, was getting my first cavity filled when I was 9, and my dental hygiene was about what you'd expect of a 9-year-old.

The Dentist gave a shot to numb up the tooth, waited the appropriate time, and then began drilling. The shot had not properly numbed me up. I cried, and flailed a bit, and he yelled at me. When I explained that the shot didn't work, they gave me another. Waited, and drilled again. I still felt it. That time he told me he was almost done, and finished it up.

So, that comes to mind every time I hear that dental drill. And my anxiety goes through the roof. Today, I count myself lucky, because I had a very understanding staff attending me, and when the first shot didn't properly numb me, and I felt the drill, the dentist apologized, and gave me two or three more shots, in a few different places to really make sure I wouldn't feel it.

It worked, and I was incredibly relieved. This time when I felt the drill, it was more of a sensation of knowing that there was something in my mouth, and I could hear it, but there was no pain. One of the ladies in the office lent me her noise-canceling headphones to help me try to block out the sound of the drill.

From there it was very surreal, and I was only vaguely aware of what was going on, based upon seeing a technician handing tools back and forth to the dentist, though mostly I was staring up at the ceiling, when my view was unobstructed by the dentist's hand and wrist. I'm not sure exactly how long I was in there, because by the time it was over, I was in minor shock.

I did end up taking one of my anti-anxiety pills but I felt shell-shocked and was relieved when, after a stop at the pharmacy for a new script for vicodin, I was able to come home and sleep off the worst of it.

The dentist I saw today was a specialist, and told me that he had done the roots, and put in a temporary filling but I need to see my regular dentist within 30 days. I asked how soon was too soon, and he said I should give my mouth about a week before I go to get the post and crown done with my normal dentist.

I'm going to ask if I can get before and after x-rays from Dr Furman, because I was a bit too stunned to ask for the afters from Dr Bernier. It was interesting to be able to see the work he had done on the x-ray, and how bad the tooth had actually been versus what I could see on the first x-ray, which I had trouble deciphering.

All in all, the procedure itself (once I was properly numbed up) wasn't too bad. There was a bit where I was apparently trying to clench my jaw, and my cheek ended up getting nicked, but the dentist was very apologetic, and I think that was rather my own anxiety getting in the way. I didn't feel it happening at any rate. I think the more painful part, will be adjusting to the difference of how my tooth feels because there is some live nerve left it feels like, and I feel a slight pressure from the work that was done. I don't know how that will or will not change after I've got the post and crown.

Anyway, Monday I will be calling Dr Furman to schedule my followup for the post and crown. I want to get this all finished as quickly as I can, so I don't have to deal with it again any time soon. I take pretty good care of my teeth I think, so if I can just get this sorted, all I should have to worry about is the maintenance cleanings and checkups. :)

Two tales of interest and possibly amusment.

I've had a few interesting experiences in the last several days. One of which, was yesterday.

I got called into the manager's office in the early afternoon over a customer complaint. This is the first one about me that I am aware of, and to top it off, I'm not even the cashier that initially upset the customer.

Sometime back in late June or early July (after my vacation and shortly after Father's day) there was an older man (I was told he was 71) at the self check out register. I was passing by, on my way to do something else, possibly get breaks going, or check to see who was coming in, but certainly not just passing idly by. Anyway, as I'm passing one of my cashiers 'K' waves me over. I stop in mid-step and turn to her, and ask her what she needs.

The older man is standing at her counter looking annoyed, and she is giving me that helpless deer-in-the-headlights look she is prone towards. It may well have been a well earned look of confusion or being overwhelmed, I can't say, because I barely remember the incident.

The customer has just used the last of his gift card, and as our registers prompt us to do, K took the empty card and slid it under the drawer of her register. The customer is demanding the card back.

I explained that our policy is to collect the cards upon them being used up, and that bookkeeping processes them at the end of business day.

The customer argues that the transaction is complete so the card is already processed, and he wants it back. He then begins SCREAMING in our faces that the card is HIS property, and it was bought especially for him and he wants HIS property BACK.

So I inwardly rolled my eyes and quirked a brow, but put on my customer service smile and retrieved the card from the register, handing it back to him. I believe I apologized for the inconvenience and told him to have a nice day.

A few minutes later our manager on duty passed, and I relayed briefly that I'd just had the most bewildering interaction with a customer demanding his used up giftcard back. I told her that I'd given it to him, and left it at that.

Fast forward to yesterday, August 9th. I'm called into the managers office with the store manager, and the manager that happened to be on duty the day of the incident. P, the store manager tells me that I'm there for because a customer wrote a 5 page complaint about me.

He asked me if I remember the incident in question and after he said it was about an older man wanting his gift card back, I turned to the other manager and blurted "I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS WHEN IT HAPPENED!". She barely remembered it too, and certainly it didn't ping either of our This Customer Might Be Crazy radars. Cause he didn't go into all that detail at the time. He just stood there looking furious and screaming about how the card was HIS and he wanted it back.

This guy, apparently wrote five pages, at least a month after the fact, about how I was an aggressive, rude person, who probably kicks puppies in my spare time. He didn't actually say that part, but I wasn't given the chance to read the complaint so for all I know he did. He goes on for five pages about how I am a jerk, and unfeeling, and I don't understand his plight.

He wrote a story about how the gift card was a special present from his grandson who is differently-abled and saved up to buy this card for "Pappy" and how he went on and on about Pappy's special gift card, and the card was an heirloom to be treasured etc.

This guy didn't tell me even half this story when I initially told him we don't give back used up cards. We collect them because the computer tells us to. If you shop at the Home Depot, and you use up a gift card, our register says "Please collect card". It's not a plot to persecute you, I promise.

And I GAVE the crazy old man his card back, so I don't know why he felt the need to write a 5 page letter, call my store manager (who explained that I was going with store policy) and THEN apparently write another letter and send that straight to corporate. What. The. Hell.

I was told to write my statement regarding the event, to which I responded "I've been on vicodin the last week because of my impending root canal. I barely remember the events of this week, let alone this event which happened like a month ago." I did write what I could remember but I'm still baffled.



And in less crazy events, something that amused me greatly happened today before work. Osaka has been babysitting some kids who are connected to a friend of Pherret's, on and off for a few weeks. They are two boys about Ringo's age, one of whom is also ADHD like Ringo, and unmedicated, unlike Ringo. They're sweet boys, with pretty good manners, and they get on well with Ringo.

Well today I was sitting on the sofa in conversation with the older boy, who has been using male pronouns for me, when the younger one interrupts and says "She".

Older boy looks at him with a questioning expression, and says "No, clearly a he, I mean just listen to his voice." and gestures towards me.

The younger one eyes me skeptically and says "I don't know, I can't put a finger on it but I think she's a she."

Older boy gives his brother a quirked brow and responds "Then why did Ringo's mom say HE had to go to work later? Hmm? He's obviously a he."

Younger boy turns to me "You're a she right?"

"Nope, I'm a he." I respond, smiling.

He looks from me to his brother and starts shaking his head, "I don't know.."

Older boy says "See! I told you. You're just being dumb."

Osaka says the debate continued even after I left for work. I was very amused, and a bit delighted, because the older boy used male pronouns from the start when he saw me. It wasn't like anyone was making a big deal over it, or emphasising. I don't correct pronouns in the house because it's not usually a big deal and I know it takes a long time to adjust. Osaka is great about it, Pherret is 50/50, and Ringo just doesn't seem to notice or care, and that's just fine.

So my point is, I've never made a point in front of these boys about establishing that I am male. I just woke up the first morning he (the older of the two boys) was over, and rolled out to the living room and greeted the boys as I was getting ready for work. I'm still pre-surgery and everything, so it's purely from whatever changes I've got going on. Osaka says my voice is pretty deep now, and with the physical changes subtle as they may be, it's enough that I pass about 50% of the time.

I am about a year on testosterone now so it makes sense that I would start getting some people (correctly) assuming male without my having to say anything now, even taking into account my chest. People seem to chalk it up to me being kind of a heavy person.

Vicodin helps the pain but not the nerves.

My root canal is Friday, the 12th. I could have gotten in tomorrow, but I would have had to call off work, and things are tight with some people quitting and the newbies not completely trained yet, and also I don't have the personal time. So, it's Friday 1:30pm.

I am nervous, but as my pain as amped up, I'm just relieved that the end is in sight. After the pain, frustration with vicodin and penicillin side effects, and general stress levels, this root canal should feel like nothing at all.

The vicodin has had me moody, short tempered, and blunt. I'm honest anyway, but I mean BLUNT, as in no filter at all, not even the one of social civility. So I've been snapping at people when they're getting on my nerves, and the littlest things have been getting on my nerves.

I've been on edge for a long while because things are complicated in our apartment-life, and with changes comes adustment etc. Pherret, bless him, has been a different man since he's returned from Afghanistan, and has finally come to terms (or at least is beginnning to) with the fact that he has PTSD. He finally admitted it in June when Osaka, Ringo, and I were in Tennessee on vacation, and there was no one home to blame for being totally stressed out.

I like Pherret alot. He's a good friend. And, I've had a very difficult time being as patient as I need to be with him, well before I started medicating for the tooth pain.

With the vicodin, I've been more visually annoyed/stressed by him, and it's been hard to control my reactions. Today I thought I was doing a great job of biting my tongue and keeping my temper, until he had a minor episode in the evening and blurted out that he was doing fine until we all put him on edge. He said something about the tension in the house being palpitable, which is shocking because the things that caused stress in the evening were accidents.

Incident 1: Ringo fell and scraped his hand, knee, and ankle, when walking Bitsy. Incident 2: While cooking our pizzas for dinner, the oven began smoking filling the apartment with smoke, startling us all and worrying the dogs and Ringo, because a piece of sausage fell off one of them and landed on the heating element. Incident 3: Pherret accidently triggered a minor boss fight (and was brutally slaughtered) in Dragon Age when he was trying to save and quit to eat dinner (which WAS salvageable).

All three incidents were accidental, and the only things we could think of that could have set off the episode. Pherret couldn't place a trigger and remained upset for several hours.

Prior to those three incidents, we'd all had a pretty mellow day, joking with each other, chatting, did a grocery run, had pleasant conversation etc.

But that's enough of that. I've also had vivid dreams, waking dreams, black outs (at home thank goodness), and lack of muscle control. I've been dropping things way more than I usually do. My grip gives out halfway through a task. I look forward to the end of that side effect.

The other side effect I've been dealing with is from the penicillin I think. I've got some sun sensitivity. I experienced it starting shortly into the second day on the antibiotic, as an itching sensation and I could actively feel the sunburn setting in.

That said I look forward to this being behind me, and being back to my old self. Without the bad tooth.

Guess who needs a root canal! 8D ...

So... if ya'll remember, I discovered a cavity in one of my rear right molars (on the top) way back when I was living in Texas. I had other things on my mind when I started my medical and dental insurance, and I forgot all about it until about two weeks ago.

Suddenly I could feel it with my tongue, and the tooth was tender to the touch. It got progressively worse and more sensitive with my pain dialing up to a 5 on the doctor pain scale. Wait no scratch that. After viewing this chart, it was at a steady 8.



Anyway I went to the dentist finally to get it looked at, and I need a root canal. I've been referred to a specialist because of the location of the bad tooth. It's hard to get at because it's on the top and in the very back. By the way I DO have wisdom teeth. Who knew? Not me. They apparently came in finally some time in the last 3 years.

Anyway.. I was given a prescription for penicillin, because I am NOT allergic to it, and a script for vicodin to manage the pain until my root canal. And oh boy does it work.

I took one today at work when my pain hit a 9 on that scale, my whole face was throbbing on the right side, and making facial expressions was excruciating. I don't think I have EVER been that cheerful at work. I mean EVER. I was the only one on register for about an hour, had the Head Cashier phone and all, long lines, and I was nothing but smiles and thank yous, and have a nice days. And I MEANT it.

In the morning I will be calling the specialist to schedule the root canal, hopefully for Friday or Monday, which are my days off, and then go from there. My dental insurance will cover most of it.

Incidentally, I posted this to my facebook, with the comment of this is me on Vicodin.

Dream girl, you're a fantasy?

My dreams do weird things to me. When I'm just beginning to wake up, I take the dreams very seriously if it was a particularly intense dream.

I had two such dreams last night. The first of which involved confusion and drama between my very best friend, and her husband. In said dream, he abandoned her after a meal at Golden Corral, even noticing that she was having a severe medical emergency. I can't recall if it was a seizure condition or a heart condition in my dream, but BF has neither condition in real life, that I am aware of. Just dreamland making me process confusing thoughts and fears.

Then at the end of that dream, I woke up, and was scrambling to write down all the meaningful nuances and such. I'm not sure if that part really happened or if it was a segway to the next dream. It could have happened but I ended up giving up and rolling over to go back to sleep since it was only 4:50am.

I became aware that I was dreaming at the very beginning of the next dream, but that knowledge was only partially there the entire time. I was in my "home", an apartment I've never seen before that seemed to have two non-functional garages, visible from the outside. I couldn't even find the way to the one below the first floor, and I went upstairs rather than checking out the one on groundlevel. The wall against the staircase was seethrough, and sound seemed to go through as well, because my "neighbor" called out to me that he was sick of seeing my stupid cat.

I recall seeing a small black cat that could have been Decke, and then my memory is a bit fuzzy. I found myself wandering a small mountain town, via a car? I was with someone but I don't remember them. I startled when I saw two of the women who were at the Golden Corral in the other dream. They called out to me, asking if my friend is okay, which is when I remembered/realized I was in dreamland. They called out from their car, as they were passing the other way at a stoplight.

From there I recall little until I was wandering through a highschool with two women/girls. I'm unsure of their age, but they told me they were enrolling at this school. I remember musing to myself (whether outloud to them I don't know) that this school was in dreamland, and I wasn't sure exactly what the enrolling process would be, or how they could prove identity with documents and all that. My logic being, I assume, that because it was dreamland (but I did not have direct control of the dream, just awareness that it was one) they would not have access to the documents they needed since those are somewhere in their real lives.

It didn't occur to me, as it does now, that they may have had such documents available to them in dreamland, if they weren't aware that it was a dream. One of the women/girls (age is hard to determine in dreams) also seemed to be aware that she was dreaming. I think at that point we travelled together a bit, but there were some people who knew that we knew where we were (dreaming) and were trying to force us to wake up rather than interact with each other.

Seconds before my alarm awoke me, we exchanged names in desperation. My googlefu reveals nothing, but the name in question, was Jeanette Graham Bennett Hutton. I got the impression the last two names might have been hyphenated but she didn't say as much. The intensity of being chased and feeling like it was us against the entire sleeping world, made me want to seek her out, if she was indeed a real person.

It seems a little silly upon waking, but dreams have always been very powerful for me.

So I'm 28 now.

I never posted about my birthday. I meant to, but it just didn't happen. I was on Vacation in East Tennessee when I should have put in to have my birthday off, so I was scheduled to work on it. In the week prior, one of our head cashiers quit under stressful circumstances, and our Front End Supervisor left for vacation the next day. I, and the remaining two Head Cashiers were spread thin, and got by on the skin of our teeth, and the help of someone else in the store stepping in for shifts throughout that week.

On my actual birthday, as I said, I was working, so I didn't do much of anything. I came home, and received hugs and gifts from Osaka and Ringo, both of whom spent great care selecting things I'd love and use. :) Osaka got me the deluxe edition of Dragon Age, which includes Origins, Awakening, and the downloadable content. Ringo got me an assortment of things, one of which was my second transformer figurine, a Megatron to go with the Optimus Prime I received for Christmas. He's the original, gun form. I'll take photos tomorrow I hope, with one or more of my yo-sized boys.

We treated Friday the 15th as my birthday instead, and I had a great celebratory dinner with several good friends, and co-workers that I am fond of. It went well, I think, aside from a migraine that set in about midday, but I slept that off, and felt much better for it by 5pm, when one of my intended guests for the dinner called me to verify plans.

I also ended up going out with Sam Sunday night, and had fun with her and some mutual friends, and then got together with some more friends Tuesday before I had to go to work. This is the longest I've extended birthday celebrations, that I can recall, it was pretty cool.

That said, I've been a bit stressed over work. I've been trying to get a different position at my place of employment for several months, because the expections placed on me, change at too rapid a pace for me to keep up with, and retain my sanity. I was informed just recently, that it's not likely that they will let me off the front end, so I am beginning to look for other work. I'm not happy about this, because I like working where I do, but instead of looking forward to each shift, and my interactions with my co-workers, I am filled with apprehension each day I am scheduled to work.

That, combined with the closing of the specialized clinic I was using, has me fretful. I've been given information on another clinic with the same specialization but I have not gotten in touch with them yet. I plan to give them a call tomorrow, and failing that, Monday, to try and get my medical affairs back in order. There aren't alot of specialists in my area, and most of the searches I've done, recommend the clinic I was using, that has closed. The new clinic, (which I know little about yet) is a further drive, and will be harder to get to, as I can't take the bus there if necessary.

Stressing about that, and work, has made me all but mute. I don't want to stress my friends, and I've lost the ability (in my opinion) to communicate effectively.

Introducing Noland.

I have some photos and such from my vacation to Tennessee to post up, but first, an introduction.

This beautiful boy is a Rosenlied Tuesdays Child Beige, boy version. I've purchased him from SDink, and he is a grail doll. He is a boy version of Beige, and he has an SDink faceup. I love SDink's work, and her faceup list spots are really hard to get so getting a special boy version of a Rosenlied sculpt I adore, who also has one of her beautiful faceups is just fantastic.

Incidentally he arrived lightning fast. He was shipped Friday from San Jose, California, and arrived today, Monday in Virginia Beach, Virginia. I was expecting him to arrive tomorrow or Wednesday while I would be at work and unable to retrieve him. I expressed such to Pherret, and he sat on the front steps when he saw the postman, just in case, and surprised me with a box about 15 minutes after I expressed the desire to take a nap.

As for names I've gone to my list of Irish and Gaelic names that I have tucked away. I'm leaning towards Noland.



I do know that I need to make him clothes because he doesn't want to wear any of what I have onhand. I've got him in a basic white shirt, khaki shorts, and white loafers, but I think he may be a lace and frills sort of boy. I'm hoping that actually since I don't have any little lord fauntleroy types.

There'll be photos from vacation up later in the week probably.

Doll rambling and vacation.

So, at this point I have a nice assortment of tinies and am mostly inclined towards tinies for my future purposes. I've joked that I need enough for a Kindergarten class, but if I were to actually aquire all the tinies that make me go "Awwww" I'd easily have enough.

Currently I have 9, with a 10th in progress. The 9th is Ness, my Impldoll Cyril, who has made it home, and been sealed, but my time off has not coincided with good sealing weather for faceuping.

And, because I can, I present you with photographs, some of which you may have already seen, of my current tinies. Obviously not including Ness, as he's in pieces awaiting faceup and blushing. :)

As a mosiac compilation because I love doing those. :3 At some point (once I have bodies for my 2 SD heads) I will get photos of all of my dolls together.

What inspired this particular post, is my pondering whom I should get next. I'd like an Infinitidoll Tiki, who resembles a Four Sisters Yo in the face, at least with the default faceup. I'm also sorely tempted by Raurencio Robe and Lazune. I'm not crazy about the default faceup on Robe, but Lazune is too precious.

Then of course there are all the tinies scattered throughout my general wishlist, as listed on Den of Angels. I'd like a handful of Rosenlied tinies, a few from Asleep Eidolon, a Leekeworld Tori, a Dollzone Kay, and SOMEDAY a Volks Rengemaru or Suzuna.

I'm tempted to order Raurencio Robe for my birthday since he is only $200, and I could theoretically swing that on one paycheck. However I also need to start pricing plane tickets home for Thanksgiving, and see what I need to set aside.

I'll have lots of time to think about dolls and travel plans while I'm on vacation. I plan to take most of my tinies, and Ichigo to play with and photograph while I'm in Tennesee with Osaka, Ringo, and Wotan. We'll be at their farm in East Tennessee, and I'm excited about it. It's up in the mountains and it's gonna be a week of peace and quiet away from work, and internet, and other stuff. This will be my first adult vacation where I actually go somewhere, and I'm thrilled about it.

Nothing of major interest going on, aside from doll musings and planning for what to do while on vacation. We'll be heading out either Friday the 17th or Saturday the 18th, I believe, and heading back to Virginia Beach, the following Friday.

Face fuzz.

It's been a real long time since I posted a photo of myself. I'm at 38 weeks on Testosterone, according to my counting back from my last post mentioning it (when I hit the 6 month mark). Osaka chimes in, that if I were a baby I could be born, at 38 weeks. I'd be two weeks early at 38 weeks. Thank you Osaka for that random and entertaining information. :)

I've been lazy about shaving, because it's alot of effort to shave properly every day. So I bought an inexpensive electric trimmer, and use that about twice a week when my stubble gets obvious. Today, I was feeling adventurous so I shaved it into as close to a goatee as I can approximate. It's subtle on camera. In person it's still pretty subtle. Even so, I wanted to document my pitiful face fuzz.




I have been told I look alot different than I did before I started, by some of my co-workers. I'm getting 'sir'ed about 35% of the time, regardless of what I am wearing. Then I'll have a random day where it's really consistent, like more than 50% of my customers 'sir' me consistently. Those are the days I come home feeling confused but pleased.

Physically I don't look way different, but my facial shape has changed quite a bit, I think. See this photo from after the beach, week of my 1st shot.


As for the rest of me, my body shape has changed quite a bit. I've lost what little padding I had on my thighs, butt, and arms. My shirts fit loose in the sleeve where before they were snug, my pants fall down, because there is nothing to hold them up aside from a belt that can only try so hard.

So... I think my original point is that I have some facial hair.

Familiar but uncomfortable.

I've been having a difficult time keeping my thoughts sorted lately. There's been alot going in, but not really anything I can discuss. Stress at work, over expectations versus realism, tension in the apartment for various reasons, and still struggling to lose weight and eat/be healthy.

I've found it very difficult to try and talk through these things even face to face anymore. Part of that, is that one of the people I interact with daily, seems to intentionally mis-interpret what I (and others) say, and part is the uneasiness that comes with me subtle changes in how I see things.

I've noticed that I process situations a little differently, than I did, pre-hormone therapy. Instead of saying every little thought that comes across my head, I say almost nothing. Which is strange for me. I've been a chatterbox my entire life, since I started talking in full (long) sentences around my second birthday.

These days, I keep most of my thoughts to myself unless I'm stressed out over something. And even then, I'll end up trailing off, feeling that I am not being understood and that it's not worth continually re-phrasing what I'm saying.

I wish I could have the easy, comfortable conversations that I have with my bestfriend, and some of my family, with everyone. Not to cheapen that, but because I frequently feel that I am not understood. Not in a victim complex way, but in that, I have a very hard time finding the correct words to leave absolutely no room for confusion.

Tension is high at work, and at home, so I find that I'm trying that much harder to leave no room to misinterpret, deliberately or accidently. If I am perfectly clear, every single time I open my mouth, there is less room for confusion, or to pick a fight.

So.. I just don't talk much now. I will have quiet, brief conversations with Osaka, and intermittant conversation with Ringo, and various co-workers, but I don't think I've had a really DEEP conversation with anyone (aside from Osaka, in private) in months.

I miss that. I'm finding that I'm also wanting to be more friendly and social with some of my co-workers, to the extent I asked one that I'm closer to, if he'd be interested in traveling with me to Texas, when I go home for Thanksgiving. We've hung out a few times, and had some in depth conversations and are very comfortable so it could theoretically be a fun trip.

In all likelihood, I will travel by myself, but I did entertain the idea.

I've been suffering from Insomnia alot for the last several weeks. I can't remember the last time I laid down and just fell asleep. Lately I climb up into my bed, tired, sleepy, and sit with my laptop searching for human contact online. I check the forums, I look on facebook, and LJ, I say nothing, and I go to sleep feeling disconnected.

I'm feeling frustrated and because I work such long hours, and there is an underlaying tension all the time, I can't seem to properly unwind and enjoy the things I like to do.

I've aquired several tinies in the last year, and I haven't REALLY played with any of them since I got Starshine way back in early 2010. I've since gotten a body for Moonbeam, gotten Sarabelle, Simon Oliver, Toby, TJ, Ness, and I'm in the staging plans of a layaway for a new boy.

And I haven't gotten to play with any of them for more than a few minutes at a time. I haven't had the time or energy to sew for them, to draw, to paint, to chat online. I'm so frustrated over it.

I used to be able to do these things AND work, WAY back when I worked at Michaels. Sure, I was working like 25-30 hours a week, but I had time for toys, the internet, and theoretically friends. But instead I stayed in my room and played videogames in the dark and slept.

I'm wondering if I'm creeping along that steep-sloped edge of depression. I'm scared that's the case.

I've also been processing some very complex and surprising emotions and memories at the news that a dear family friend suddenly passed. I was given the news that she was sick, less than 48 hours before she passed, and it struck me, far more than I expected it to, since the person in question was so far in my past I'd completely forgotten her impact on me.

Her family, helped care for me, and my family, when we were down on our luck, and desperately needed real friends. They were there for us, and her kindness made a huge impact on me. She encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me to do the things I liked and wanted to do, and was very kind and gentle with her encouragement. I remember her as a mother-figure, when my own mother was scrambling to hold her family together and pull our lives into some semblance of sanity and health.

I really wish I had the ability to fly home and attend her wake, mourn properly, and thank her family.

I am pleased to introduce Tyrell James or T.J. for short.

I'm a little cranky that my tiny laptop keyboard is prone to taking my typing of posts, as a cue to jump forwards or backwards on my internet browser. I lose more posts that way, than I care to count. :[

Anyway my Iplehouse Efreet arrived yesterday while I was at work. He and Byuri both, were in hand less than three days after I got my shipping notice. Nekokoi theorizes that it's because I'm on the East Coast and therefore closer to Customs. She's probably right.

Last night when I got home, I unwrapped him, dressed him, and plopped him in a temp wig, since I haven't had a chance yet to purchase the right wig for him. I took a few photos of him and compared him with Toby. They're both on the standard body, and if/when I get more Iplehouse babies, I think I will get the mobility joint, since from the photos I've seen on DOA it actually seems to make a difference in posability.

Comparison-wise, if Toby is an Irish cream, or pale toffee, then T.J. (Tyrell James) is a chocolate milk and toffee blend. There's an obvious difference in color but T.J. is nowhere near as dark as Osaka's Kamau, who I believe was in the ebony skin. T.J. is in the light brown resin, and it's a beautiful color in person, but hard to photograph, at least, at night. So, the color is a bit.. just don't trust it.





I have pulled out my very short black faux fur, to make him a fuzzhead wig, in the meantime, until his proper wig has been purchased and delivered. The red is charming, but T.J. is not a redhead, and it makes his faceup look a bit off.

I'm very glad I got him, and when I was looking hard at him today it really emphasized what I loved about the sculpt, and my initial reaction of "Oh no, I bought the wrong one" when I saw Efreet, and had just finished purchasing Byuri. I love Toby, don't get me wrong, but I really NEEDED T.J.

Once I've gotten his fuzzwig done, I'll try to take some more, proper photos. I never did for Toby. e_e; I've just been crazy busy with work, and then I was so sick for like a month straight. Ugh.

I might have work news in the near future. I've put in for a transfer to a couple of different departments for various reasons, not the least of which is stress. I like being a Head Cashier, but the pressure is different than it was initially, and I simply don't get paid well enough to cope with it, on top of the other stressors in my life. So, if and when a transfer goes through, I'll update.

Cough*Hack*Cough

So I am currently recovering from an upper respiratory infection.

I had a persistent fever that was just at 99/100 for a couple of weeks, and then Friday it went up to 102, and stayed there. I left work early Saturday, feeling week as hell, and woke up Sunday with my fever having climbed up to 103. I called out sick. My doctor's office isn't open Sundays so I went in Monday. The urgency was much more so, by Monday as I'd begun to vomit, and cough up blood.

I was prescribed Z-pack (low-dose antibiotic) and these awful little pills that are supposed to be a cough suppressant but just made me ill. I ended up vomiting my first dose of the antibiotic as a result, much to my frustration.

I'm on the mend but still feeling week. Ended up calling out today as well because I couldn't stand up for more than a few minutes and I was still coughing up blood. I'm not 100% but I was able to eat a bit today and keep it down. I started taking mucinex today too, to help it along.

The doctor theorized the blood in the mucus is from my esophagus being raw after weeks of coughing and draining etc. I'm just glad my fever is gone, and is staying gone. I've had that fever since about mid-way through Wotan's trip out here, which was like 2 weeks ago.

Dollies!

So, my lovely Byuri arrived on February 26th, just two days after shipping. The wig I'd purchased with him was out of stock when he was ready, so Iplehouse give me the money back in points for a future purchase.

So, here he is! I am pleased to introduce Tobias Ezekial Särkilahti. I don't know a ton about his character yet, but I know he goes by Toby, and can't pronounce his last name. I think he's a California beach baby, about 4 years old. That's all I have so far.




Also I did put Iplehouse Efreet on Layaway on February 18th (sent the second of three payments today). Nude with faceup. I don't know who he's going to be either, but I got him as a boy, in the light brown resin. I wasn't sure I'd posted about that, but I see that I did, two weeks ago, on the 18th.

Incidentally I'm two days overdue for my shot and I'm noticing that it's easier for me to think and articulate, and also that I'm more impulsive. Point of fact, I placed a second doll on layaway today.

I went to Denver Doll Emporium for some reason that I can't recall, and saw Impldoll Cyril. He's a baby dragon. I know Soom did theirs, but I like Cyril better, and he's only $145. So I got him, on a layaway (no faceup or blushing). I COULD have bought him outright, but I still need to pay my phone bill, so I'll probably just finish paying him off entirely after my last payment on Efreet, in two weeks.

I like him for the character of the little water dragon associated with Starshine and Moonbeam. My origin story for them is that Moonbeam is a young witch, who was attempting a bonding ceremony with her companion beast, a quiet but brave water dragon from the lake, and the ceremony took place just as Starshine (a shooting star) was flying overhead. Moonbeam, being a very young little witch, flubbed her incantations and ended up trapping Starshine in physical form as a Unicorn boy. That is precisely why he looks so cranky. ;]

I think Cyril would a great little Water Dragon companion for Moonbeam, but I never did settle on a name for him, so I'll have to figure that out.