Saturday, April 27, 2013

This is why I've been quiet.

I've been kind of quiet lately, because I have been kind of mute. I go through periods of "normal" socialization, and then helpless mute observance. I lose the ability to respond coherently, to comment, to write, and so I just don't.

I've been there for about a month now. I'm currently seeking treatment.

When I was in my mid-teens (somewhere between 13-16) I was diagnosed with manic depression or bi-polar disorder. I don't know which classification it was, or even if they had much distinction at the time. I took the medicines that I was prescribed, and my moods worsened, my depression turned suicidal, and I went off my meds. I decided they were wrong, because the medicine that should have helped, seemed to make things worse.

Based on what I can find from different sources online, this is actually very common for people who are misdiagnosed as bi-polar. The problem is, that there is actually something very wrong with me. I may not be bi-polar, but I'm not quite right.

I mean, I get by, and with my friends and a good support group, I am able to be productive and positive and a useful member of society for sometimes months at a time. Then I will slip, no matter what is going on, no visible trigger, and I will be moody, depressed, suicidal, and there is NO DAMNED REASON.

One symptom that I didn't reveal in my teens, was hallucinations. When at the lowest, I suffer(ed) from auditory and visial hallucinations. Not all the time, just at the lowest point when the suicidal thoughts are there, all day long, all night long, trying to wear me down into doing something stupid and permanent and self destructive.

For years this has been a "normal" cycle, every few months going up and down like a yo-yo. Sometimes I bounce back quickly, sometimes I'm scrambling from the bottom of a pit, cutting my hands trying to climb out of the darkness.

I can't identify a trigger for this downward cycle which is when I realized this has been going on my entire life. I've probably realized this before, my memory is crap, and when I'm stressed I forget. I just forget, or block it, or whatever. I can't remember most of my childhood or teenage years. I can barely remember my early twenties.

So about three weeks ago I started looking for a psychiatrist. I called aroung to a few places and finally got in to where Ringo goes for his stuff. I'd been there before, with Osaka and Ringo, just in the waiting room, and the staff had been friendly, the doctors seemed competent.

Only when I arrived for my appointment (after a 1 hour 45 minute walk, because I am slow and out of shape) I was informed that my appointment had been cancelled, like, as I was walking to the clinic. I was assured they would squeeze me in though, and so I took a seat and was called back shortly.

The woman who I saw was a Psychiatrist, and I was uneasy. The office was in chaos, several people were "out sick" and I was incredibly nervous despite having taken one of my anxiety meds. She was initially polite, but got kind of annoyed when I asked if Osaka could join me.

She asked some background questions and after interrupting me a few times, I snapped a bit and launched into a "Please don't try to finish my sentences, that is NOT what I was trying to say" mini rant. She got really rude. I recognize that snapping on her was not polite, but I was uneasy, I'd mentioned my anxiety, and why I was quite so upset and she took on that super arrogant Psychiatrist mode that pisses me off.

I have NEVER seen a Psychiatrist that didn't piss me off mind, but I do try to keep an open mind. I'm not the same person I was at 7, or 12, or 15, etc. They all seem so damned cocky though, and they don't listen.

She was really aggressive about trying to put me on a new anxiety medicine before doing the diagnostic assessment I asked for, and when I told her that I didn't want to change any medicines until I had a better idea of my diagnoses she told me in a really snotty tone that her clinic refused to endorse drug abuse or addiction and implied that if I took my as needed anxiety medicine daily, I was some kind of junky.

When I left, I was more angry and upset than I had already been, and at that point I was at the very very bottom. I left with appointments for two Psychologists at the clinic, and when they called to cancel one of the appointments day of, I just cancelled the other as well.

As it turns out, the doctors were not out sick. Several of them were fired for refusing to sign new contracts drawn up by the new leads, if Ringo's Therapist is to believed. Given the confusion and chaos that I saw, I am inclined to believe.

I ended up seeing my regular doctor instead since I was leaving work anyway (initially for the other two doctors) and left with a script for Xanax to replace the Clonazepam/Klonopin which is no longer effective for me. I can take the Xanax only twice daily but it works immediately, and there is less risk of dependance or building up an immunity. So far I haven't taken it more than once a day.

The Xanax works differently despite being chemically very similar to what I was taking. I can tell when it kicks in because it works as a filter. That filter I have NEVER had? The one that tells you "DON'T SAY THAT!" Yeah, that one. Xanax makes one. I am still angry/hurt/anxious for a bit, but it kind of slows down my emotional reaction time, and requires a huge amount of concentration to have an outwardly visible emotional response. That's kind of exactly what I need right now. It feels similar to how Zoloft used to feel but it wears off and I don't feel like a zombie just coasting along on a cloud of "I don't care, that's fine, whatever."

I will never EVER go back onto an anti-depressant, or any take daily mood modifier unless it is absolutely necessary to live and function. If I come out of this (my doctor did give me a list of other clinics to try) with a diagnosis that requires that, I will make damned sure that my Psychologist knows that I will try every other method of dealing before I do that.

So the TL;DR is that I've recently realized I'm pretty crazy, and I'm currently trying to sort that out.

Thanks for sticking with me, have some doll pics:




Thursday, April 25, 2013

Graze Boxes 4, 5, and 6

So... my last three weeks worth of graze boxes all arrived this week. @_@ I'd reported box 4 as lost in the mail since it was 3 weeks overdue. That one came today.

So anyway box 4 was 50/50 sweet and savory.

Honeycomb crunch - Liked. The crunch was more than I expected despite the name. Tasty but maybe a little bit too sweet for something I want on the regular. 

My Thai - LOVED this. I'm noticing that I really love the relishes and dippers, and this was no exception, sweet and mildly spicy. Not hot at all.

Summer Berry Compote - Loved. The little biscuit/cookies tasted a little stale but this was the box that was overdue, so I'm chalking it up to that. The jam was fantastic.

Black Pepper Pistachios - I am never going to not like pistachios. I think this has been my favorite so far. That little bite of the pepper is fantastic!


Box 5, I ate earlier this week. It arrived Monday I think. This box was mostly sweet.

Hot Cross Yum - This was amazing. It tasted almost exactly like a hot cross bun, from what I can recall. A fantastic ratio of spice to fruit and nut. I loved it.

Fruit and Seed Flapjack - I actually really loved this. The soft chewy bar is much better with the crunch of the seeds and the sweet of the fruit.

Herby Bread Basket - Loved this all the way, very flavorful, like a really tasty snack mix.

Marvelous Macaroon - LOVED this. I've found these mixes taste much better together than as separate parts, so I take a small pinch and taste, and I ate this so fast I barely tasted it.


This week's box, arrived today! This is faster than usual. This box was mostly sweet.

Florentine - This was my first repeat. I had this in my very first box, and loved it. It's still very tasty!

Boston Baguettes - I was pretty disappointed with this. The BBQ relish tastes more like vaguely spiced ketchup, so it was too sweet and too tomato flavored for me to enjoy as much. I was hoping for something a bit more savory like the Carolina style BBQ sauce which is vinegar based. I've actually trashed this one because while I don't HATE it, there are other foods I would much rather receive.

Tropical Daiquiri - Really like this. It's very tart, and sweet but not TOO sweet. I think it's the lime raisins that pull this together. Surprising cause I tend not to like raisins but I've liked them so far with the Graze mixes.

Mississippi BBQ Pistachios - Initial reaction, the seasoning is very mild. There is definitely a good flavor, but not as bold as I expected. REALLY like this. The flavor gets subtly layered with each successive nut.


Over all I have liked or loved the majority of the foods sent in my Graze boxes. :]

Monday, April 8, 2013

Graze Box 3

Another graze box review. This box arrived very quickly in comparison to the last one. I think I can expect them about every weekend, which makes for pleasant snacking on Sundays. :]

This box was a good mix of sweet and savory

Apple and Cinnamon flapjack - I ate this while in mid-migraine when I first woke up, at a height of nausea, and found it incredibly soothing. I liked it better than the one I had before with the cranberries.

Bonnie Wee Oatbakes - Loved, a good mix of sweet and savory. The oatcakes were drier than expected with a nice little crunch, perfect with the sweet caramelized onion marmalade. I would love to have this again.

Garden of England - Loved. I was really excited about this mix. I liked the dried apple much better in this, than with the toffee. The dried fruit is soft, tender and juicy, perfect for snacking. I think the baby strawberries are the best part of this mix.

Pear Tatin - LOVED. The creamy yoghurt covered seeds are a pleasant touch with the crunch of almond, and the soft sweet fruits. A beautiful blend, much better with all parts than sampling by piece. I think the seeds are my favorite part, thought I've been craving almonds just about daily for awhile.

I pretty much loved this entire box. I think I probably wouldn't have liked the flapjacks as well if they hadn't been so soothing on my upset stomach, but I DID enjoy them and that's worth something.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Lune has a name! And other doll ramblings.

My Souldoll Lune has settled into a name. I knew it was an A name but I was getting conflicting feelings. I tested Avery and it felt right, but what I actually settled on was Adam Everett Avery. I don't know why but I've mulled it over for several days now and that seems like the best and most appropriate choice. :] I may flip-flop between calling him Adam and Avery.

Now I just need to find some shoes that fit him. I ordered a pair of blue tennis shoes from Mint on Card, and while I can squeeze his feet into them, they're not a great fit. The shoes are warped after one wear. I may try the black Ajumapama tennies I have, that Rowan has claimed. I can get more black tennies for him, but those Souldoll BOATS are bigger than SD13 feet, longer, thicker, wider in the heel, and the toe.

If you know of anywhere that makes good solid tennis shoes about 9cm in length please let me know. His feet are super-cramped in an 8.5cm shoe. I'm willing to spend a more for good quality shoes. The cheapy tennies were more out of convenience than frugality.

I'm still not sure what kind of clothing to make for him. Sometimes it takes me a long time to figure out what clothes suit the character, and I'm still feeling him out. I just don't want him stuck in pajamas forever. I think I will make or purchase some shorts for him, and make a tank top to show off those muscles. Maybe I can find one of the Iplehouse ones on the Den of Angels marketplace.. He's built like an SID. His feet are about the same size, going on the measurements listed at Iplehouse.

Also need to find a wig that fits. I love the color and style of the red wig he's wearing but it's just too big, he keeps throwing it off any time I adjust his position.

Luckily Amelia (Manabu girl) has been far less fussy. I had some stuff on hand she looks lovely in, and I ordered her a cute pair of shoes from Mint on Card with Avery's shoes, and eyes for Innes and Robbie. It was a small but necessary order.

Robbie looks fantastic with these eyes. It's too late and dark for pictures today but I will try to give Robbie some love tomorrow with the camera. :] He looks more like me with these much lighter eyes, than he did with the green-hazels which are truer to my actual color.

I'm not sure about Finn. I mean I like him, and he's not going anywhere but I'm not sure he's going to stay Finn. His faceup (which is beautiful) is all wrong for the character, and the weather is too finicky for re-faceupping at the moment. The high was in the low 50's Sunday, wet, cool, and up to almost 70 Monday by 4pm. Ugh. I'll sort him out after I've got Avery, and Amelia clothed.

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter. :]

About Me

My photo
I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.