Monday, June 27, 2016

Mini-meet June 26, 2016

Yesterday afternoon into evening, I had a wonderful mini-meet with Ashbet, her lovely daughter, and Onna and Crockett.

I took a ton of photos but these are some of my favorites. Some are slightly blurry, my hands were shaking a bunch by evening but I had a ton of fun. :)

The Ayumu and Bory boys belong to Onna, I believe they were in order, Finn, Vejii, and Bey. The Unoa girl, Soony, Woosoo and Iplehouse Panther, belong to Ashbet. The Loongsoul Beck (Twinkle), Souldoll Asiter (Craig), and Volks Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki (Ichigo) belong to me.

Tiny White Cat wanted to be a part of the fun.

A Terrifying Realization

I had an odd realization yesterday, poking at things on facebook and following rabbit trails where they lead on the internet. I was reading an article about how kids raised in strict (or strongly religious) homes react differently to some situations than others, and there were about 50 examples given, some by friends and observers, and some by people who had moved out and still lived very much the way they did at home, and some of the struggles with being a functional adult from that kind of situation.

One of the things that stuck out, over and again, was the inability to make decisions. I can not begin to express that panic I feel when I am asked to choose something if I was not prepared to know a choice needed to be made. I even do it when eating out, reading the menu and mentally preparing myself for The Choice. It's not about the food, the price, the company. It's The Choice.

There was a moment in my youth I can only barely remember that was echoed recently as someone said in an authoritative tone, "You need to make a choice" with a pause, and an expectant face, that was losing patience.

I CAN NOT DO THAT. I tend to have panic attacks when UNEXPECTED CHOICE presents itself. And I don't mean I get a little nervous, I mean full blown tachycardia, WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING, NO NO NO.

It's not that I don't know what I want even, because when I know there is a choice I can prepare myself for it to an extent. It's the surprise choices, where I can't just go, I'll do what (that guy) did. I'll have what he's having. Whatever you like, I don't mind, honest.

I am only just realizing that I do this all day every day when put into any situation where cultural expectation requires choices. In a restaurant, I ask what others are getting, and will frequently get what someone else is getting. If it's a familiar setting, I will order the exact same item every single time, so that I do not have to make THE CHOICE. The safe (I know I can eat this) choice. Or I ask a friend what they like there. Let them pick.

Even when it came to going back to school I had so much anxiety picking out my classes. I was so thankful there was a guidebook telling me which classes I needed for my degree, and roughly in which order to take them. My work schedule made it easier to go, "I can only have classes that are during these days and roughly between these times." I also could make these choices quietly at home or in the library, instead of having a panic attack trying to pick my classes like I did for first semester.

So, when someone tells me, in any tone, any setting "You have to choose" I freeze. I can't choose, please don't make me choose. I can not even handle the responsibility of choosing. PLEASE NO. I will choose neither. I can't choose.

I have no idea whether this really has anything to do with how I was raised or if it plays into my mental health stuff, but realizing it is terrifying. How can I be a functional adult if I can't make choices?

There is no training that I am aware of, that I can take to help me learn how to choose. That it is okay to choose. That no one is going to be angry at me if I choose wrong. That there is not truly a WRONG choice.

I am such a headcase.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Hello Mania, go away please.

It seems that packing and being actively on the move (lengthening the time of the move if not necessarily the bad stress) has been enough of a game changer to help trigger Mania. I am in the SUPER ANXIETY + FAST TALKING/CAN'T STOP TALKING stage, and will be vibrating and nonverbal either by the end of the day, or Monday, depending on factors currently up in the air.

I have checked in with the Bi-polar support group on Ravelry, and with Osaka, and asked her how SHE communicates with me when I get too far gone, so I can pass that on to Mom and others as necessary, but I am seeing a pillow fort and lots of books or quiet gaming in my near future since there is only so much that I can do, having unpacked and organized all that I brought with me. I may rearrange the furniture in MY room a few times.

Mom may have found a dresser for me, free from a friend, and between that and the little one here (which I may strip and refinish, put that energy to good work) I should have enough storage for my clothes. I still need a desk, and a smallish table (to put the dolls and their stuff on), and that's about all I can fit in here I think.

I should have known that I was coming into mania because I've had all these creative ideas and SO MUCH DRIVE, that no one can keep up with my thoughts or actions. Ugh. There's creative, and then there's CRAZY, (and also crazy creative), and finding the balance is hard.

I may post a TON online for awhile to save Mom and others from my crazy, or I may withdraw into video games for awhile. I don't know. Whatever is going to upset others the least, and keep me safe.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Adventures in Babysitting

I asked Osaka which doll she might like most to see (since we both miss each other and our respective dolls very much), and she said she'd like to see Robbie and Owen, so I did a little photoshoot.

Basically Robbie lets the babies play until they fall asleep, and Owen puts away the toys on his own (because he likes to, not because he is asked to), then finds a quiet place to sit and be alone. Robbie doesn't have any little hidy holes in his house so the little rocker in the corner has to do.

Owen tends to prefer solo play or side by side, rather than interactive, and he doesn't generally PLAY HARD OR GO HOME like Simon does. Christopher can play quietly but will do interactive play, and tends to get played out after a short while because his other playmates (Lorelei, who belongs to Osaka, and Sarabelle who belongs to me) are lower key. I'm not sure that he has ever tried interactive play with Owen because Owen tends to go and try to find a place to hide until his brother falls asleep or is completely occupied.

Work in progress.

I said on facebook, but it is worth repeating, that constant re-organization is going to have to be a thing here.

We arrived a day earlier than Mom had planned for, which is good because it took that day, and the day she had hoped to rest, to get the floor finished and the bed assembled. Then I spent the night ninja-ing boxes into my new bedroom as quietly as possible so that when she woke there would be less visible evidence of a new occupant, as it is all contained now.

The next couple of weeks will be carefully sorting through what had been stored in what is now my room, but much of that really needs to be looked through by Mom so that I don't accidentally get rid of important things or treasured memories. It's fine to donate things not needed anymore but I need to make sure I'm not setting aside weddings gifts for donation, that sort of thing.

These are my current progress photos.

This is not my final form, not even close. That dresser is going to move into the closet, and I will hopefully be getting a hold of a larger dresser or wardrobe, a desk, and a side table. I am used to being wedged back behind furniture so that will not be a stressor for me. We also plan to put the bed on another stack of risers, and I would like to see about actually gluing or otherwise fusing the stacks for solidity and safety so my bed doesn't fall over in the night. End goal there is to be able to slip my sterilite containers under the bed, with room to store my yarn and some other bits and bobs as well. The doll boxes, once emptied, will probably be stored in the Garage. Most of the dolls are still IN their boxes for their safety.

The saloon style window coverings will be removed in favor of blackout/UV filtering curtains that are blue or green on my side. The ones I had, were accidentally melted in Virginia Beach because fatigue. We had washed them and threw them in the dryer and they melted. Oops! No harm no foul.

Later today I have almost no visible goals. I woke up to a dislocated arm that resisted relocation back into socket so I am short on spoons. I will be attempting to change out light bulbs for Mom in the kitchen and my bathroom, after I have eaten and the ibuprofen lowers the swelling on my left side. That arm is hanging kind of uselessly but IS back in socket. The nerve pain reached a level that my brain has set aside any sensation from there, so I have this weird dead weight thing going, with a background throbbing and awareness that there is pain but I don't FEEL it per se.

All those cans are food storage, at LEAST a years supply of dried goods for 2 1/2-ish people. There is more that is currently sitting in the living room, but there is no more room at the inn Mary. Some of the older stuff, Mom has given to a friend with animals. Still technically good for human consumption, so definitely won't harm the chickens (or goats, etc), but again, no room at the inn, so we picked a date, and anything older than that was loaded into the Tardis(Mom's truck) and Mom dropped that off with the friend after work last night.

I have been heat sick every day that I've been in Texas, and a couple of days on the road. Summer is not an ideal time to move to Texas. The house thermostat batteries died while Mom was with me, and Faythe didn't know what to check for, so she soldiered through as the temp rose into the 80's and 90's indoors and just kept working. She sprained her ankle at some point before we arrived which slowed down (but did not stop) her re-flooring of the bedroom. I lent her one of my ankle braces to hopefully expedite healing.

I have internet, my laptop, my dolls, and my clothes. Much of my things were left safely with Osaka, who Mom and I will go back out to see, in the spring, and retrieve the last of what would not fit into the truck. I think Osaka also plans to mail some of the smaller boxes or break down some of the larger boxes as she can, and that will also help. :) I have downloaded a WiFi-based free texting app, so if you need my number email me or hit me up on facebook. This is probably a temp number, but it's better than none at all.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Getting Settled in Texas.

Mom and I arrived safely yesterday afternoon and made relatively short work of unloading The Tardis (Mom's truck), with Faythe's assistance. Then we dug the mattress out of the garage, did a little bit of team effort work in the bedroom and eventually slept.

While Mom was taking the scenic route back to Texas with me, the batteries in her thermostat fried so we came home to the house in either high 80's or low 90's Fahrenheit. I can't recall exact temp, but after trying to cool down I determined that I was melting. It finally cooled enough for sleep about 5am. I need a temp of roughly 69F for optimal comfort. Dipping into the lower 60's puts Mom (and me) at risk for bronchitis and pneumonia respectively. Anything higher than 75F makes me heat sick very quickly.

I was delirious with migraine and heat sickness both today. I've drank and sweat gallons of water, no exaggerations. I can clearly remember waking up, and going to Home Depot, then Lowe's for more metal shelving and fan pulls. Then I was sick.

I don't remember much clearly until a loud sound woke me. Head pounding, sweating, pale and red in the face. It turned out to be Mom and Faythe team working on the shelving unit. I ate something, I think a ham sandwich, and did my migraine food thing (something salty, something sweet, little bit of caffeine, generally in Mountain Dew form), with plenty of water.

I recovered enough to help out in the bedroom. The flooring has been all Faythe so far and is a bit over half done, which us especially impressive without functional air conditioning and a sprained (?) ankle. We got the food storage shelves nearly full, got loopy from fatigue, and ended for the night. I believe priority tomorrow is to finish the floor, cram more food on the shelves (dry goods), and find the bed frame in the garage and assemble it.

Bonus points if we can find a home for the legitimately EXTRA dried goods to get them out and to anyone that could use them.

I took some photos of what the room looks like in progress.

That's pretty much what we have right now. Dolls are in boxes, and suitcases are in the closet but we need to finish consolidation of those boxes (that's all food, not my stuff), and get the floor finished so we can put the bed together and move my stuff in from the living and dining rooms. :)

Monday, June 20, 2016

Father's Day

I had an intense day. First went with Mom to the nearest branch of her church to the hotel we stayed at last night. I didn't realize it was Father's day. I had an anxiety attack.

I have these feelings of conflict regarding my father, still living, my stepfather now deceased and my potential role as a parent.

I felt intensely this morning, the loss of the children I nearly had. While married, we miscarried three times, and each potential child already had a name. I used to see them in my dreams as a child and up until I married.

I have been around others' children, and would theoretically like to be a parent, but I feel my health could prevent me from being a truly good parent.

I cried all morning and gave myself a migraine. I took my medicine and was notably quiet. I mourn the loss of what might have been.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Packing for the Move

Packing is going.. well it's going. I feel like there is still a TON to do, and I'm trying to make sure that I don't go into "THROW EVERYTHING INTO BOXES MOVING DAY IS NOW" mode. I know we have more time than that. Logically I know that.

I've sorted through most of the old memories and bins, and I have left to pack, approximately one medium sized bookshelf worth of books and small things that would not fit in other boxes or bins.

I have most of the school stuff I'm keeping, Math and English notes, Psychology notes etc, set into two tidy stacks, of first semester, and second semester, and I think I can fit all of that into my black star backpack.

I sorted the last of my clothes today, donate pile, keep pile (neatly folded), and trash pile which is already out to the dumpster thanks to Osaka. She also helped me, once I had set aside approximately two weeks of clothing for packing into a suitcase, put the rest of my keepable clothes into the spacebags that I got. Those I may keep out since those bags are sturdy and can be used to cushion in the moving van.

I've got one plastic bin that is not damaged left that is empty, which I will carefully fill tomorrow I think. I am tentatively planning to put photos, kept greeting cards and doll postcards and the like into a decorative box, and put that into that bin, with some of smaller doll sorted boxes, which contain clothes and accessories for the dolls.

I unpacked a bunch of emotional baggage as well as clothes and stuffed animals today when I was sorting through a cracked storage bin and trying to figure why I'd kept a handful of stuffies. Many of them were early on gifts from the ex-husband, and some of them were from an older boyfriend who lived in East Texas and brought gifts when he would come to Arlington to see me. It took me finding a small wooden box that said "Sajin" on it for me to connect the dots. I have tucked away the bits for keeping, and donated any stuffies that have unwanted baggage but are in good condition. I have a bunch of little TY beanie babies, some of which are almost 22 years old.

This is probably the least stressful packing I've ever had, as Osaka and Ringo/Dragonmouse have been really supportive and mainly doing their own thing and leaving me to it. Both have happily helped when I have needed help, and both have kindly left me alone when I just needed to work on something by myself. I'm going to miss living with them both very much.

I packed MOST of my dolls away really early on, because I needed them safely out of the way to contend with moving all of my things around the room and apartment in order to carefully pack each type of item together, so I don't have random boxes of "I don't even know what this is" like I did trying to sort what we pulled from storage.

I have left out for travel and because some don't have doll boxes, but I do have carrying cases Robbie, Ichigo, Ro, Owen, and Link. Owen and Link will go into their boxes on moving day. Robbie has a special bunting with pillows that Osaka made for me, and Ichigo and Ro will go in the Dream of Doll carrier, which is meant to safely cushion and carry two dolls.

I'm planning on having Robbie or Ichigo out for photos at some of the places that Mom and I go, while we take the scenic route back to Texas. I'd like to have Owen and Link at hand as well.

I wanted to take photos of many of my dolls with Osaka's before we left for the farm, but since I put most of mine away early on, I have only been able to take photos with some of them.

Tomorrow I hope to do another photoshoot or photostory with Owen and Osaka's Lorelei. Today I took pictures of Ichigo with Yukimura (also Osaka's).

I feel like if Tsubaki were to grow up, he could look quite a bit like Isao. I may just be partial though. ;)

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Final GPA and Moving

So it was pointed out to me, that I have completely neglected to mention that the school year has ended, let alone mention how I did. Finals week was hectic, but I scraped by with a C in Psychology, and an A in each of my other two classes for Spring. So my final GPA for the year is 3.7, which is only a minor step down from my 4.0 first semester. I wish I could have pulled down an A in Psych and maintained the 4.0, but I am proud that I at least passed and retained knowledge. I hope to do better in any future psychology courses.

Tomorrow I plan to go by TCC and request my transcripts to make transitioning to a Texas school easier for the Fall semester, and to sell the books I will not be keeping. I'm keeping my American Sign Language textbook and DVDs, and my Religions of the World, and English books. My book for English should help for further classes.

As rough as my health has been the last year I'm really quite proud of how well I managed to do. My professors really were willing to work with me when I was in and out of the hospital so much in Fall, for which I am thankful, and my health mostly stabilized by Spring, though it improved drastically with the change in medication in February.

Since finals week I have been busy with packing, and pairing down my possessions to a reasonable amount. I own more than I realized and I have been carefully going through and packing, trashing, and donating as necessary. I have a ways to go, but each day I make a small amount of progress, and some days I do REALLY well.

We should be safely out of Virginia by the end of the month, and from there my internet access will be sporadic. My cell phone is definitively cut off, but I will have my laptop and plan to go into town once Osaka and I safely reach Tennessee, to send Mom some landmark pictures so that she can recognize what to look for coming in towards the property.

ETA: OH YEAH. I forgot to mention that EVERY SINGLE professor I have had, has encouraged me to pursue teaching, specifically at the college or university level. Kind of an important thing to forget. :P I will probably actually listen to all seven of my professors and switch my major to education.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Nightmares, Medication, Migraines, and Packing.

Weird nightmare I was living with my hoarder father again. Also dreamt that an elder sister was asking me to help look after her newborn baby (the baby in question is a different person's child in the waking world) and then was quietly judging me for being unprepared. I fell asleep in dream having a cry with a followup of anxiety attack and trying to figure out how my careful packing and planning had landed me living with my father in a terrifyingly filthy mess again.

I woke up briefly at 4:30am in screaming pain from the migraine Osaka diagnosed at 9pm last night. Still have that going. I will be getting up and out of the apartment as soon as the pharmacy opens across the street. I called in refills for some prescriptions last night, and discovered that I don't have refills on my anxiety medicine. I need to wait a little while for the pharmacy to have been open long enough to call my doctor so that I can be sure my medicine will be there, and/or call my doctor and ask them to please send the refill to the pharmacy so I can do it in one trip.

I am in screaming head-pain. Things to do, and I mostly just want to run crying from the apartment and hide in a cold dark hole and not be conscious.

In positive news a friend had an extra (correct dosage, never opened) inhaler on hand and was able to get that to me..yesterday? So if I can sort out the anxiety medicine issue with my doctor I should have enough medicine to get me to early June overall.

About Me

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I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in Coastal Virginia in the USA and working towards a degree in American Sign Language at Tidewater Community College.