Monday, August 22, 2016

Clearing dead wood.

I occasionally listen to my Mother. More than occasionally if I'm honest. I have been blocking people on facebook left, right, and sideways recently for all kinds of reasons, trolling, racists, extremists of any kind who will not stop, etc.

A moment ago I saw something hilarious on facebook that I wanted to repost but hesitated because it would have been obvious who I meant and that person for complicated reasons was on my list. So I removed them. I mean at first I just said, yeah I can't post it because THAT person would see it, and Mom asked "Well why do you have them on your friendslist anyway? You really should remove them, so you can say what you want to say if you want to." Something in that vein, I don't think that's verbatim. So, I did.

I don't think I can block their email without losing old conversations that I need to keep (contain sensitive information), but I can make my life a whole lot easier.

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In completely unrelated news I have finally taken a breath and re-surfaced. I have been mostly offline for weeks, posting from phone between DOING THINGS and scrambling. Now that I have missed the fall deadline I can actually breathe, and worry about getting things in properly for spring on a more reasonable timeline.

I will try to read back and catch up on what's going on. I can view LJ and blog from phone when I have wifi so I've tried to read and keep up but may have missed things. I apologize. I have missed you my friends and I intend to be more active for awhile.

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Current rotation for the Hogwarts knitting group is coming to a close so I am working on other projects and finishing up knitting in progress in hopes of submitting before close this Friday. I only submitted two projects this rotation but I'm still active so that's better than I've been doing in general.

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I miss my dolls. Like they are right in front of me, and I have yarn for knitting, and I have ALL MY MEDS OH MAN, I'll get into that in a minute, but in theory I actually have energy to make for my dolls and photograph and stuff and I am excited about that.

I think I may be re-character-ing Innis's Littlefee form into someone else. I love him and he isn't quite right for my dragon. I don't know who he'll be, but there are Fae in The Forest so I'll come up with something. I could make him related to Crunchy if I wanted to, as his family is HUGE. Younger brother or something. I want a greenish wig for him, golden eyes, and a new faceup I think. Maybe new faceup first and figure out the wig and eyes later.

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Medicine/Health etc. So, Mom found me a new primary physician that we think will work out well. I also have new provisional contacts (and have had for two weeks tomorrow), and I will be seeing a dentist for a checkup tomorrow. I have all my medication for the next month and a doctor whom I can see as needed for anything that comes up.

I have imitrex again (I had run out) and while I've had a flurry of migraines since I came to Texas between heat and air pressure differences, they are FINALLY settling down now I've got my meds right again and am not stressing about that as much. I had been using a backup as needed medication that I was prescribed in case the imitrex didn't work out, and now I can use them both off and on so that I don't build up a tolerance to either AND have a supply for the whole month between them.

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I think that is everything. Whoof. No school until Spring, have doctor, have contacts, have knitting, continuing decompression. I've also fully come OUT of my manic swing through the mixed state, swung into a depressive state very briefly and am currently actually stable. Fingers crossed that stays for more than a few days. I am rapid-cycling so who knows what the future brings.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Apparently school will start in spring for me.

Despite HAVING all the paperwork I need and being willing, I have been unable to get all of the new student paperwork completed in time for fall semester.

I feel extreme guilt and frustration. I will be visiting campus regularly to make sure everything is truly and properly sorted well before enrollment for spring classes so that I can meet with an advisor and plan my semester out properly.

I can't decide if it's because I chose the wrong school or timing isn't right or what but I'm incredibly frustrated at myself and the circumstances.

I haven't specifically done anything WRONG with school, and it just did not come together in time for Fall. I knew that might happen but I'm still very upset.

Therapy knitting to follow as I get the last of the crap done, in, scheduled.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Some random questions.

Mom did this as part of a team building exercise at work and shared her results. She and her coworkers answered 8 questions and listed their favorite song and co-workers had to guess which answers went with each person.

I'll spare ya'll that part, clearly.

1. What is your biggest fear? Being eaten alive, and falling respectively. Not heights, but the actual sensation of falling. Though, honestly on reflection biggest fear is failure.

2. What makes you laugh the most? My family's strange sense of humor.

3. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Anything at all? I would nap and read on a king-sized bed covered in pillows stuffies and blankets with the AC cranked down to like 60F for optimal snuggling down into blankets.

4. What did you want to be when you were small? An architect.

5. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? PIZZA.

6. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Don't poke the bear.

7. What was your first job? Security at the front gate of Six Flags Over Texas.

8. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? Bi-polar bear.

Favorite current song would be OK GO, We Dug a Hole.

One more step in the right direction.

Holy cow. It looks like everyone is having a hell of a month.

I had some positive stuff this morning. My mother has been kindly covering medical costs for me while I get settled and we determine if I CAN work and school at the same time, cause that is what tanked my health last year.

This morning I had my first appointment with who will be my primary care physician. He had reasonable questions about why I am taking my particular cocktail of medications, listened, checked blood pressure, and was impressed by the weird little things I do to try to balance health and life.

He is content for the moment to help me continue my medications, and wants reasonable bloodwork to see if anything needs tweaked. It was a little discombobulating to do my speaking quickly explaining because anxiety and see a doctor actually visually tuned in paying attention.

Hesitantly I want to trust him which is the opposite of most I of my medical experiences.

So, with this and my exam last Thursday I'm closer to having my health in hand. I am still twisting in the wind about school but there is only so much I can do.

When I woke yesterday, I was completely disconnected. I interacted only if repeatedly prodded and only understood a fraction of what was communicated. I'm not sure Mom has ever seen my like that but I know they happen from time to time. I just wake up completely disconnected from reality flailing in any attempts to interact with people.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Would not repeat this week for the world.

I hid from the world yesterday. Thursday I had a medical appointment in Arlington with Faythe for seriously overdue physical of a kind that I can not psychologically handle. Faythe held me hand, and I held hers, and it was terrifyingly reminiscent of a similar exam when she was 14 and I was 16. The nurse and doctor were fantastic, polite, great about trying to help us stay calm, and it will never be an exam that is not horrifically traumatic for both of us.

I was in excruciating pain as soon as the internal portion of the exam began, and I'm still sore. Yesterday I felt like a tube of toothpaste squeezed 'round the middle and held tight until close to 24 hours after the exam (5:30pm-ish). I finally slept when I could hear thunder booming outside my window. I woke up briefly at 10am, uncomfortable, drank some water and went back to sleep until 3 or 4am. Not exactly sure.

This threw a huge spanner in the works in terms of trying to get anything done with school. I'm actively trying to allocate documents and get my old school website to let me in so that I can save and print off my unofficial transcripts in the interim. Unless/Until the school confirms receipt of my official ones I can't attend school but the unofficial ones will allow me to "confirm" my grades and apply for classes without further testing. If they don't receive my transcripts that I mailed like 2 weeks ago, by Sept 12th I will be dropped. I'm anxious about that.

Today a box from Osaka is due to arrive according to tracking, and I'm pleased about that. Mom may have made plans to do things today, I don't know because I was asleep when she got in, and she was asleep when I woke briefly in the night. I'll find out soonish depending on how long she sleeps.

I have slept so much in the last week and I am still so very tired.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

44 Questions.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
I enjoy the flavor but I can't psychologically handle knowing the blue streaks are mold so I don't eat it.

2. Have you ever smoked?
No, I am allergic to cigarette smoke.

3. Do you own a gun?
Nope.

4. What is your favorite flavor?
Salty.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor visits?
Yes, always. I'm worried that I won't be taken seriously. I have serious doctor-phobia.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I am squeamish about hot dogs. I will eat kosher dogs.

7. Favourite Christmas movie?
Elf.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water, followed by Mountain Dew.

9. Do you do push-ups?
Not if I can help it.

10. What is your favourite piece of jewelry?
A silver ring with a tiny diamond set in it. I'd like to replace the diamond with a ruby.

11. Favourite hobby?
BJDs, photography.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
I've never been diagnosed but I wouldn't necessarily be surprised.

13. What is the one thing you hate about yourself?
My inability to understand and relate to people no matter how hard I try.

14. Middle name?
Mathias

15. Name three thoughts right now?
"I am terrified out of my mind of this type of medical procedure." "I don't know if I can manage what I need to do to get to go to school this Fall." "I just want to go back to bed."

16. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.
Water, Mountain Dew, Lemonaid.

17. Where's the question?
You ate it. Jerk.

18. Current hate right now?
Fear and how it cripples me.

19. Favorite place to be?
Home, in my room, on a pile of pillows under fluffy blankets.

20. How do you ring in the New Year?
I prefer not to make a big deal of it.

21. Where would you like to go?
England.

22. Name three people who will complete this?
Ashbet already did it. Maybe Osaka, and maybe Faythe?

23. Do you own slippers?
No.

24. What colour shirt are you wearing?
Blue plaid.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No, I don't like the texture of satin.

26. Can you whistle?
Yes.

27. Favourite colour?
I love all colors. If I have to pick, I'll say the teal-aqua range.

28. Would you be a pirate?
No. I get seasick, and the lack of clean water and food would kill me.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower.

30. Favourite girls name?
Amelia

31. Favourite boys name?
Gregory

32. What is in your pocket right now?
Wallet, phone, earplugs.

33. Last person that made you laugh?
Osaka, I think.

34. Best toy as a child?
Cloudshine, my most cherished stuffed animal, a grey dog.

35. Worst injury?
Broken toes.

36. Where would you love to live?
England. Maybe Germany.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Just the one.

38. Who is your loudest friend?
I don't really have loud friends. Maybe Debbie. She gets excited and passionate and volume rises to match. In general though she's pretty low-key.

39. How many dogs do you have?
I do not have any pets.

40. Does someone trust you?
I would like to think that several someones trust me.

41. What's your favorite movie?
The Princess Bride

42. What is your favourite sweet?
Authentic german gummies.

43. What is your favourite sports team?
Dallas Stars.

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Pachebel's Canon in C Minor.

45. And since that was a morbid note to end on -- what is your favorite thing about *yourself*?
My desire to do good in the world.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Long day is long.

Today was a long day. I posted briefly about having a nasty panic attack fairly early into the day. There was some miscommunication between Mom and myself and it's not her fault, and I'm not sure I have ever been clear in the past about WHY I can't do New Places by myself and why being Lost is instant panic. I gave a bit of context to Mom after stressing that it was absolutely not her fault, and while I was frustrated it was not at HER.

Then we discussed how her doctor's appointment went on our way to my eye exam. I'm pretty sure this is the first eye doctor I ever saw, who fitted me for glasses when I was 10. He looked familiar, his name rings a bell, and I remember some of his personality quirks (not bad, just different) which for me is saying something. I don't generally remember people very well, but he seems familiar and I have no other reason to have that sense of familiarity.

I was fitted for contacts, same prescription as before but a new brand of contacts. Did you know that the same prescription fits differently depending on the brand? I didn't until I put the first pair in and was confused that I couldn't quite see clearly or get my eyes to focus. Dr C made a thinking face, told me to throw that pair away and came back with a different set, same prescription, after doing a little looking at one eye and then the other and determining it was not a wrong prescription issue. Second pair went on fine, I could focus, read the signs, all was well. So I learned something new today, that fit and focus vary on brand. That explains why you are supposed to only use the brand you are prescribed.

I also learned that monthlies are a better choice for me than dailies. My previous eye doctor prescribed dailies and told me that I could wear them for up to a month safely assuming I was cleaning them correctly and changing out my lens case every month. I told this to Dr C who cringed and asked me to please never ever do that. So I will be wearing monthly lenses and swapping them out when I change my lens case every month. I go back in 2 weeks to make sure these lenses are the right fit and prescription more long term.

Then I will make sure that I get the name of the brand so that I can order the lenses online. I have a coupon for one of the local pharmacies for like 20% off a contact lens order that I would like to use.

In regards to school, Osaka as ever helped me to get calm and think clearly and make reasonable plans to try to get school sorted out. The school still has not received my transcripts. They could be in the mail room or sitting on someone's desk but they have not officially been received and read. So I was told that I could submit the unofficial transcripts in the short term so that I can apply for the right classes, with the understanding that the official ones need to be in by September 12th. I also need to bring a copy of my GED for them, which I think I have saved as a PDF on my hard drive so that is theoretically easy.

The hard part will be trying to log into my old school to get my unofficial transcripts. I may have to do some emailing or calling to get access since I'm not an actively enrolled student. I will deal with that TOMORROW (Wednesday) and hopefully can print off that and the GED and run them by the school later this week.

Then I need to speak to an advisor and determine which courses I should take for the goal I have in mind, and I can't do that until my transcripts are in (or the provisional ones at least). So immediate goal is get that done, and seek an advisor.

I have accepted that it may not be possible to get everything properly lined up for Fall semester but I am going to try like hell, and if it doesn't work out then I will at least have things set up so that I can attend in Spring. That's the best I can do right now at current stress levels is take it one bite at a time.

When Mom and I finished up with doctor's appointments we came back home instead of sticking in Arlington for a few hours until knit night. I was out of spoons and I went to bed almost straight through the door. I've just woken up, found something to eat and popped my contacts back in for some night knitting and maybe a movie or some TV for background noise.

Monday, August 8, 2016

I went to Austin for BJD-Con.

I went down to Austin BJD-Con and had a great time. I received a message a few days prior from my step-brother who asked if I wanted to go, as he had room in the car and was definitely going. I gave a tentative yes, mentioning that I needed to double-check Saturday plans with Mom, and after Mom gave the thumbs up, I confirmed.

The car ride itself was awesome. I brought my MP3 player and played DJ from the backseat and was delighted to see that there was a ton of musical interest overlap. I played from my most eclectic playlist on shuffle, somewhere between 250-270 songs, and on the drive there and back I think only on or two songs repeated because shuffle reset. For those that don't know Austin is a several hour drive down. We left Garland at 6:30ish am, and arrived at the Convention about 10:15am. We only stopped once for fuel, restroom break, and breakfast which we ate on the road. I had some of the best kolaches I have ever had from a place called Czech Stop in West, Texas. That's the name of the town, not like.. the region of West Texas.

From there we arrived in good order and basically did laps of the room looking around. I hadn't brought any money with me because I don't have any income right now, but I had a good time looking around, making notes of vendors for future purchases, and then ended up doing a trade with one vendor, where I exchanged contact information and she let me pick out several items in exchange for a future knitted sweater like the one Owen was wearing. I did a similar trade with my step-brother and his wife where I got an outfit from another vendor in exchange for a future knitted item. I wasn't expecting to bring anything home but great memories so it was a pleasant surprise.

The items I got were a dress for Amelia:


And three shirts, one button down in SD scale, and two TTYA shirts in Yo-SD scale:


I am potentially planning to pre-knit a bundle of things to take to trade for things next year. I may see if anyone I know well is going to have a table or find out how much a table costs. I don't think I want to go that big in scale though. I'd rather knit a bunch of stuff for trade and sell or trade the rest locally.

I didn't take a bunch of pictures but I got one of myself with Owen in front of a hat store.


Owen got quite a bit of attention which was awesome. Many people had never seen a Crobidoll in person, and just about every Vendor I spoke to asked to see him, which was nice. Several people asked to buy the sweater off his back, which is how I ended up doing a trade with the one vendor. I told her not THIS sweater because it's Owen's, but I would be happy to knit her one similar to it. She was delighted and we discussed value of hand-knits and agreed on a trade value and she had me pick out some things and let me take them with me. :)

The only down part of the day was that it was in the triple-digits and I got heat sick when we stopped for lunch after leaving the Con. It was no one's fault, I drinking plenty of water, and being careful but it was like 102F with the heat index making it closer to 115F so I got sick in under a minute in downtown Austin. We spent some time in an awesome Comic and Games shop and I recuperated there for awhile before we headed back up to Garland. We made another pit-stop at the Czech Stop to pick up kolaches for Mom, SIL's Mom, and some for step-bro and SIL to enjoy for themselves.

All in all it was an awesome day, and I spent all of yesterday resting, sleeping, and drinking lots of fluids to recover.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Busy busy busy.

It's been a busy and hectic.. week? Two weeks? I'm not sure. I think my last entry was right around my birthday in July. Since then I have successfully applied to Richland College locally here in Texas, and have hit a snag either in admissions or financial aid. I think what they need is a copy of my letter stating that I am exempt from selective service (which is why I am not registered) but I can't find my copy. It's also possible they need medical records as Texas requires that students have some very specific inoculations before they can attend college or universities even if they have previous college. I have not received a letter or ANYTHING in the standard mail to tell me what is needed. I received a vague email telling me there was an error with my financial aid after I saw that it was received and approved, and the student website shows no error. What I need is to find that damned letter and take it and ALL documentation up to campus to sort it out.

Last night I dug through all of my legal papers, the last seven years of medical receipts, pay-stubs, tax returns, etc, hoping it was in there with my birth certificate etc. I also dug through all of the paperwork regarding my name change and federal gender change. I have all the copies of my doctors letters, all the copies of my name change paperwork, my confirmation from Social Security that it's been updated, found my original social security card, my copies of old ID etc, but not this damned letter. I fear that I gave the original to Tidewater Community College despite making very sure to make copies since they don't give them back.

I can apply for another letter with explanation that the first was surrendered to school or lost in a move but it would take a month to receive once they received my form, and also it says on the federal website to KEEP THE ORIGINAL. I'm in fits about it. I need to have everything sorted and be enrolled in classes by August 20th if I am to attend school this fall. Otherwise I guess I have time to sort it out for Spring but that is not the timeline I want. I could do Spring and Summer semester I suppose if I can't get this letter, but I'd really prefer to be actively in school, not scrambling.

I have e-mailed TCC asking if it would be possible to scan and email me (or fax my new school) this letter and what I would need to do to prove identity. I'm waiting to hear back.

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In less other news I have been marathoning Dr Who on and off for a couple of weeks and have suddenly lost interest. I hate the way Moffet writes The Doctor. I didn't like Matt Smith as The Doctor (nothing against the man as an actor) and hated the story lines for seasons 5-8, in which Moffet had creative license to do whatever he wanted. I was furious at how he ended Tennant's story line. I hated the man-baby he made Matt Smith. I don't like the 12th Doctor being a confused sociopath (as of where I left off), though I adore the actor. It just doesn't jive with classic who the way that Ecclesten and Tennant did for a time. I can't see 12 as the same man (or a version of the man) that 4 was. He's not even the same kind of cranky older man that we had with the first doctor.

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Tangents. I've slid out of my mixed/manic state into anxious depression. I'm knitting and crafting to try to stay sane in between bouts of Adulting. I made Toby a sweater which fits him beautifully. Mom made me socks for Sarabelle for my birthday this year. They are beautiful and I want to knit her a lovely lavender sweater to go with. :)





I'm not sure if I am going to use the same pattern as I did for Toby's sweater because it is relatively easy and I already have it, or if I am going to try a different pattern that I have on hand. I have some lovely sparkly lavender and white silk/bamboo blend stuff that I want to make a stripey hoodie out of, but I remember being aggravated at how the fabric fought me last time I used it.

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I also have a series of doll photos that I need to resize and share from visits with Ashbet and other local DFW friends. I have been in a constant state of flux, so I haven't been great about resizing and uploading pictures. That will be in a later post I think.

I'm sorry for anything I've missed in the last couple of weeks. I haven't been online much other than to look at school website, look for doctors in my area and try to coordinate. I've spent the last week mostly offline with Faythe starting the reorganization of Mom's studio. There is so much STUFF in there, and much of it is valid crafting stuff. Some of it is "I don't know where to put it, but it will be safe in here" stuff, and sorting out which is which has proven somewhat challenging.

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TLDR: I am exhausted. I knit a sweater. I've been watching Dr Who and frantically trying to get ready for school and line up doctors at the same time and it's not going particularly well.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Juggling cats.

The other day, I'm not sure exactly when, Mom misheard an analogy as "juggling cats" which feels unfortunately rather accurate.

I'm currently trying to find local doctors, schedule appointments, and get ready for school all at once and it's kind of a lot to do at one time. I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I've contacted a local group that works with the LGBT community but I think my initial message was confused, as the response I got was about putting me on a wait list to be seen for hormone replacement therapy, which is about seven years too late. I'm just trying to find a new primary care physician before my prescriptions run out. I'm running into walls. I am so very very tired as a result and my body is not letting me sleep properly.

Today I fell asleep at Mom's office, in a chair down in the foyer. Tuesday is knit night, and I ride with Mom to her work place and hang out in the foyer until we pick up Faythe in Arlington after work and head over to knit night. Today I had a migraine, and my body decided I needed sleep, so I fell asleep in public which is actually a huge phobia of mine. I'm terrified that someone will either hurt me or rob me.

And now it's about 4am and I am wrung out. I want to sleep but I don't know if I can or for how long.

About Me

My photo
I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in Coastal Virginia in the USA and working towards a degree in American Sign Language at Tidewater Community College.