Wednesday, October 19, 2016
I had been dreaming that I had a migraine coming on with really nasty nausea, and woke up feeling ill. I was hesitant to take my zophran when I wasn't sure I would keep down water, so I've not done that yet. If my stomach settles down more I'll do so.
I have had a migraine for a few days, mostly low key but it was ramping up last night as Mom and I came home from running to a few different Gamestops getting codes for Volcanion. I did the math with Logan we determined between his household, me, and Faythe's household we needed a minimum of 20 codes for one per eligible game cartridge. Mom and I grabbed a couple of codes last Tuesday, and Logan had gotten a few sometime this week, and I think Mom and I grabbed the last of what we needed and if there are leftovers I will will over them up on Ravelry and to any LJ friends that play but can't easily get to Gamestop.
While I was laying down with my icepacks my brain decided I wasn't uncomfortable enough and started delving into the past. I don't talk much about my failed marriage or what happened exactly but I'm going to for a moment. There are a lot of subtle nuanced things that happened but it ended as approximately this scenario.
Person A is closeted gay, and feels threatened by Person C being Trans. They refuse to allow any kind of personal expression that might not be perceived as female. Gaslighting abounds.
Person B has common interests and is met at a doll meet. They profess to want nothing but to have more friends with common interests, and after a series of short one sided discussions Person A moves them in while Person C is asleep. Gaslighting continues by both parties.
Person C has a series of miscarriages that result in a complete mental breakdown, not their first, and end up on anti-depressants contrary to their established history as someone with bi-polar disorder. The result is that Person C becomes malleable, easily influenced, and is less likely to respond negatively even to obvious abuse.
Any outside parties are cut off without prejudice by persons A and B when possible, with gaslighting when necessary to explain that other people wouldn't understand the unique situation that Persons A and B have cultivated allowing them to have an affair publicly with little room for Person C to argue or express any kind of opinion on the matter.
Person A goes on deployment as a military person tends to. Person B freaks out because gaslighting all by oneself is harder, and Person C has a support group that are desperately trying to help, despite all efforts to cut them off from Person C.
Person B resorts to new and unusual abuse tactics including re-triggering PTSD in Person C by keeping them constantly on edge and nervous about reactions with gaslighting and panicked responses designed to plea to Person C's sense of decency. Person A also out of no one knows why reasons decides the best way to do this is to apologize with an small personal inexpensive gift when they step really out of line even by gaslighting standards, and excuse their behavior as not handling Person A being gone very well.
Person C runs out of their anti-depressants and realizes the kind of situation they find themselves in, and is FURIOUS. They reach out to any friend they think they may have, who are confused but sympathetic, as up until this moment Person C has been incredibly private about what has been going on, due to gaslighting and intentional isolation by Persons A and B.
Person A returns from Deployment and continues completely unacceptable and inappropriate behaviors with Person B, assuming that Person C is still compliant and appropriately submissive by their standards. Person C demands that Person A make a choice, and is gutted when person A chooses Person B.
YEARS later, Person C still struggles with the seemingly random acts of kindness by Person B, feeling guilty about wanting to keep the gifts given, small as they may be, because they earned them by living through the abuse, but also wanting to get rid of any reminder of what happened during that span of time. Person C is deeply conflicted and it keeps them up at night. Person C decides celibacy is the best course of action to prevent anything like this from ever happening again.
I don't talk about all of that because I tend to feel guilty because gaslighting works. I feel like I could/should have done more. I feel like I should have stood up for myself more. I feel like I should have reached out to my friends more. I am furious that I let myself be abused like that. I am furious that I didn't recognize it as abuse at the time. I am furious that my youngest sibling came out for a visit when I was cycling off of the anti-depressants and took the Mistress's side in all things, assisting in gaslighting me. I don't know if our relationship can ever come past that.
I feel guilty about the less than a handful of things I kept that were gifts from his mistress, but at the time I truly thought she was my friend. The memories are tainted but the gifts were small and meaningful and that hurts.
This is not a topic of discussion I bring up often and I am not okay with questions about it, but I needed to voice what happened as clearly as I can remember.
I am so physically tired. My chronic migraines are acting up again. I have a standard health checkup tomorrow morning and I don't even know what to say to my doctor. Obviously the first thing will be that I've passed the kidney stone, and healing is a beast. I've been having fevers off and on since before the stone was diagnosed and I was assuming they had to do with the stone so I'm nervous that I'm still getting fevers.
I don't thing Mom or Faythe are bringing home germs but I can't be sure about that. They are both really great about being aware and avoiding illness and sharing because they know that I am immuno-compromised. Faythe was over all weekend and while we enjoyed each others' company for the most part we didn't spend much time together in contrast to most visits. It was still pleasant but not the same as our usual visits.
I get a bit frustrated because I lose track of time and I don't realize that I've fallen off the map and am not checking in online or elsewhere. Time passes and I have no concept of whether we last spoke a week ago or two months ago.
This is the ramping up point of my hard time of year. There is no particular trauma or memory that I am aware of that makes this so. I just know from experience these are my danger months. October to sometimes January I need to check in and make sure that people know I am physically okay.
I know I need to catch up on a bunch of your journal entries and respond to a few comments. I will do my best to do so.
In gaming things I am nearly complete on my 2nd living Dex. I plan to have that finished by end of today if possible, minus Genesect and Meleotta, which I only have one of each, and they are in my first living dex. I will get more as they come out for the last of the special drops this year. I'm missing about 5 pokemon out of 721 to have full dex completion (1 of every single evolution) not counting alternate forms. I have all the alternate forms in my first living dex but I've not been focusing on that for this one. If I finish the basics of it today I will go back and trade on the GTS for alternate forms. I would love to just have the whole thing ready to port over to Moon with alternate versions and all.
I'm still collecting all the forms of Vivillion, but that takes a back burner to completing the living dex.
In school, I need to get up to campus before the month is through with all of my documentation and confirm that all of my transcripts are in, meet with and advisor and plot out my academic course for Spring semester.
I have had intermittent contact with the school since I missed the Fall deadline for enrollment but nothing helpful, so I'm going to just go up to campus one day with all my papers and get it sorted.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
I've been continuing to heal up from passing the kidney stone. My body is resistant to my returning consistently to solid foods. I ate mostly soft things like toast, mashed potatoes, soft cheese, etc while I was passing the stone and for another week or so after, and my body keeps flipping out when I have something that actually has seasoning or substance. It's a frustrating process.
~~~~ Gaming ~~~~
I've been playing Pokemon, grinding and preparing to restart Y, as well as setting aside another living dex (every single pokemon, all the evolutions) to have ready to transfer to Moon when I get that next month.
I have also as of today, picked back up with Dragon Quest 9. I'm playing that one with my sister Faythe in co-op, but we agreed that we could level alternate jobs and do quests without each other, as long as we don't progress plot or level the main job class. So today I did some Grottos, worked on some quests, and continued to finesse my equipment for each job class.
We are both playing with a group of three, so that when we play together whoever is hosting can just open their gate and not have to put away their supporting party characters. This is the build Faythe determined, and it worked well for what I wanted so I'm also using it.
Hero = Minstrel -> Thief -> Armamentalist -> Luminary
Healer = Priest -> Mage -> Ranger -> Sage
Melee = Martial Artist -> Warrior -> Paladin -> Gladiator
I made a 4th to have for backup healing while I'm playing by myself and so far I've gone with Priest -> Minstrel for her. She is not limited to 4 total jobs for the build but I'm mainly leveling her with the others so she only changes to something else if I need a skill the others don't have, which I'm mostly covered on.
~~~~ In "What Is This Even" News ~~~~
I'm really behind in everything social. I have been checking in with facebook a couple of times a day which barely covers anything and ended up having to post a "SERIOUSLY NO DEAD ANIMALS IN MY FEED" thing because over the course of last weekend all of a sudden I was inundated with posts of seriously injured or dead cats, dogs, snakes, etc. No idea what triggered it. I blocked several people, removed several more and then posted that it was not okay to post that crap.
I've also had a problem with people posting injured children, which is WHAT worthy. I don't know what the hell is going on with people. I thought the politics crap was bad enough, but between dead and injured animals and children, and all of the clown photos from news stories I'm blocking every other thing on my feed.
For those not in the know, I am extremely scared of clowns. I don't want to know, don't want to see it, don't want to hear about it. Just NO clowns please and thank you.
~~~~ Summary ~~~~
I'm in the process of going through and trying to read back entries and catch up but my energy is still really low overall. I will try to get back online more regularly now.
Monday, September 26, 2016
After the first stone I went back to the ER about a week and a half to two weeks after I passed that stone and was reassured that it was normal to hurt (that's part of why they prescribe more than a few days of pain medication), and that it could hurt intensely for up to three months.
Not especially reassuring but basically keep an eye on things, if I start to bleed, if pain worsens, or if I have unusual urine I should get looked at. I'm in about as much pain I was in before going to the ER but not as much pain as I had while actively passing the stone. So.. I just have to gut it out basically.
Thankfully I am not having to juggle school assignments and work with it this time. I was relating to Mom that I while passing the first stone I went to work, worked my full shift, went to school from there, and then went to my morning class the next day before I emailed my afternoon professor and begged off. I explained to her that I was actively passing a kidney stone, asked permission to submit my schoolwork via e-mail, and e-mailed her my ER note from a few days prior as proof that I wasn't just making excuses. She told me not to worry about the homework and to go home and rest and she hoped to see me next class. So, I went home immediately e-mailed her the assignment and doctor's note (because I listen SO well), and then went into the bathroom and finished passing the stone over the next three to six hours. Oh and I was foolish and turned down pain medication so I did all of that on pure stubborn stupidity. Never again.
That was really awful, and in contrast I have been mostly on bed rest, intermittently mobile (mostly to prepare food and eat so I can take my pain pills), and have really not had much pressure to do anything but try to rest and heal.
The really tricky thing is going to be how I do Tuesday. Mom and I have some minor dental work that needs doing, and I'm basically not able to wear anything but loose pajamas right now because my kidney is still inflamed, and it hurts to move or wear anything remotely constricting. I'm wearing a loose T-shirt and athletic shorts, and have basically not worn proper clothing since we left the ER.
So.. tomorrow I'm going to try and get dressed (gauge my pain) and see how much that hurts. That will determine how we do things Tuesday I think.
I'm still mostly eating soft easy to prepare food (toast, bagels with cream cheese, lots of orange juice, fresh fruit, instant mashed potatoes) because it takes too much energy to prepare AND eat food. I've done well with rinsing my dishes, and emptying the dishwasher, to minimize extra work for Mom.
In contrast to me at optimal health I'm eating very slowly. I tend to be the first one finished eating most of the time, and it's taking me forever to eat TOAST. It's taking me a half hour to eat a small bowl of mashed potatoes. It's very frustrating.
I have this incredibly unrealistic mindset of "I've passed the stone so obviously I'm FINE now. I should be instantly better right?" and I'm growing increasingly impatient with my very slow to heal body. If it were a ragdoll, I'd have thrown it across the room by now in a temper tantrum. It's been what, less than a week since I was diagnosed with the stone, and it took about two days to pass it from the ER visit so I'm only 2 days out from a huge physically traumatic instance and I'm fidgeting and going "COME ON LET'S GO! I WANT TO DO THINGS!!"
I have to laugh at myself because I barely have the strength to get up and walk to the restroom or kitchen and I'm sitting here going "Yeah I feel like crap, and I'm tired but I'm SO BORED." Not realistic at all.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
I had several painful abdominal cramping sessions between my cuddles with a heating pad, and short naps with vivid dreams. Somewhere in that time the pain moved firmly out of my kidney, and this morning I can't find any spot of pain, discomfort, distinctly OTHER feeling of where the stone might be, so I can only conclude that in one of the painful cramping moments I did actually pass it.
I have little memory of October at all. I think I pretty well fell off the radar. I don't remember much of September either to be honest. I am relieved that I was sick, because it makes a bunch of my "WHAT IS THIS" symptoms make sense. I am still physically drained, though well-hydrated, and have quite a bit of residual pain, but it's not actively passing a kidney stone pain now. I think it's "I just passed a kidney stone and boy did leave an internal mark" pain.
Holy crap I'm confused. We aren't in October yet are we? What the hell. Did I mention vivid dreams? LOTS OF VIVID DREAMS?!
Right then, I'm done. I'm going to lay down with my heating pad. I will be trying to catch up with everyone over the weekend and into next week.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
I've been having some troubling symptoms for I guess a couple of weeks. Fever coming and going, increasing lower back pain, and quite a bit of nausea without the usual migraine as accompaniment.
Turns out I have my second kidney stone this year. The first I can firmly blame on Topamax which I am no longer on. This one? No idea. I was told I might be more prone after the first stone.
I discovered my back pain was kidney pain quite by accident. I asked Mom to look at my back and tell me if there was any bruising (I've been falling down, running into things) and she said no and asked if it could be a kidney stone. I said "No, because that would hurt here *knuckle to kidney in back* OW!!" Instant bruise where my knuckle had been.
So I slept on it, emailed my doctor whom I had just seen for routine blood work, and he told me if I suspected a kidney stone to please go directly to the ER. So, we did when Mom got off work yesterday and it was or is indeed a small stone in the kidney and thankfully no infection.
Today Mom and I will make a quick run to the pharmacy for medicine to help it pass easier and with less pain and then I'll be housebound until the stone passes.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
I think the next step will be when I see him in a month discussing some low impact exercise I can do at home to help. I also emailed him prior to my appointment about some EDS information and if he is able to read up on that during the month (I do realize he is busy and has things to do) then we can discuss appropriate testing. In theory it is a simple flexibility check with some questions and observations but we'll see what we see.
In the meantime he re-upped my imitrex so I will have enough of that to get through the next month, and sent in a script for zophran for me to have on hand for when I get the really nasty sudden onset nausea.
Rather than continuing with Mom to work and then Knit Night we determined that I should come back home and try to rest. I've started a load of laundry and once I get that into the dryer, I will take out my contacts try for a nap. If my body won't have that, then find something to do that will be physically taxing.
My back is sore at this point from bending and lifting things. Overall pain is low. Dr M takes the blood himself and sends off what he needs to, to an outside lab, but much of it they can do in house. He seemed quietly amused that I wasn't bothered by him sticking me and didn't express much in the way of pain when the first stick didn't work and we had to switch to the other arm. I explained that while it wasn't comfortable it was nowhere near my levels of pain that I'm used to with medical stuff. I think I had an involuntary flinch or muscle spasm on my left arm where he initially tried. I'm impressed that there is no bruise there. I tend to have ridiculous bruising after blood work, usually immediately after.
Fingers crossed everything comes back normal. This is routine stuff, not looking for trouble stuff. Last lab results I had said that everything was functioning normally but it's been at least 6 months since my last ER visit or lab workup.
I am incredibly fatigued and I think my tolerance for heat is fluctuating, as what has been roughly comfortable in the house is now just a bit too warm, and I'm feeling overheated about 90% of the time. I'm not hot enough to be heat sick, but definitely warm enough to be uncomfortable. Dr M and I agreed that ideal temperature would be approximately 68F which is roughly where we had the thermostat in Virginia, but Mom is prone to bronchitis and that would be FAR too cold for her. We're going to try dropping it from 75F to 74F for awhile and see if that is enough. I will have Mom adjust the thermostat since I don't know how to work it, and I don't want to screw it up.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
I've been watching Being Human (original UK version) and am into Series 5 now, and it's gone a bit odd as they do a few seasons in. I want to keep going but I'm beginning to be bored with it, which makes me sad. There are some compelling plot things I want to watch play out but there's too much of the old villain is destroyed (again) meet new more Villainy villain. It's ..a weird cliche of supernatural TV shows and I remember it so much when I used to watch Buffy. It drove me nuts then too.
So.. I'm also knitting. I've been slowly working on a doll sweater, and when I finish it, I am wanting to try to size the pattern up for MSD and possibly down for TinyDelf. I am not ready to do the necessary math for that right now though.
Last night I went to my first big local public BJD meet at Pie Five and it was nice. I just woke up from a weird anxiety dream in which a "local" person was hosting a meet at their house, cornered me and was either aggressively hitting on me or trying to make me feel unwelcome by being the wrong sort of friendly. I woke up in an anxious way breathing hard and feeling freaked out.
I chalk that up to meeting so many new people. Mom and I sat quietly with our dolls and were friendly, everyone there was friendly, but I felt myself slipping out away into "I'm not here because I literally can not process any of this anymore" overwhelmed place. Mom either picked up on that or was also just done. We made polite goodbyes, and both came home and went pretty immediately to bed.
I took Robbie my School C boy, and Mom took Grace her Pukifee Shiwoo girl.
The only people I knew from actually having met physically before were my brother's roommate Ed, and Debbie and Crockett. There were many beautiful dolls and everyone seemed friendly but I was rather too intimidated to go over and visit with people that weren't seated just right next to me. I'm not sure if even half of the usual people were there but it was way too many people for my comfort zone, even if they are NICE people.
It's really strange because I can remember hosting doll meets and setting up meets for Southeast Virginia shortly after I moved there in 2006/2007, and because we were so far south we rarely had more than six or seven people show up, and it wasn't always the same people but I don't think they started to get bigger until towards the end when I stopped hosting/scheduling them. I don't know if anyone out there is till hosting them. The community there fluctuates so much because of the military.
I have many friends I met through BJDs who have relocated to the DFW area since we started being friends which is really cool, but DFW is a HUGE metroplex and that makes coordinating difficult and overwhelming. I like the big meetup in theory but I think next time I go I will take an anxiety pill before we go, and sit in the corner with my back to the wall. I met too many new people at once and that anxiety is likely to spill over for several days.
I took some photos but my hands were shaking pretty badly so I'll try to post the least blurry ones.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
I've packed lunches for Mom and me today. Tuesdays I tag along with her into work and we go to Knit Night afterwards with my sister Faythe. So I spend the day in downtown Dallas, down in the lobby playing Pokemon or Dragon Quest, or on my phone or drawing etc, while trying to ignore Fox News which is where the charging ports are.
I have also discussed with Mom getting some floating shelves to put along the wall where my dresser is for doll space. I want to get them up off the dresser, maybe some of them onto stands, and have a safe place for that. I also want to install a wall-mounted desk, but I'm trying to figure out the best (least expensive) way to do that, which will support the weight of a desktop PC. I'd also like to get narrow bedside table and possibly a laptop stand which I can swing round next to my bed. If I had more space I would have the bed set up as a day bed since it also functions as a couch for me for watching TV, playing games etc, and day beds area good fit for a twin mattress.
I don't want to commit to a bunch of real furniture though. I'm pretty upset that I had to leave my loft bed behind in Virginia and that I had to leave my really nice mattress behind in Tennessee. The one I'm using now is not a bad one, but I had a very nice one that I bought when I bought my bed.
Also my room is a very compact space. I believe it is the smallest of the three rooms, and I'm okay with that really, but ideally I would like to have enough room to have a functional bedroom AND space for the dolls and that so far is not working out to my liking. If/when I put in a desk (either tiny student desk or a wall mounted desk) I will have to put away the small amount of doll furniture that I do have out, and I really don't want to do that.
I'd like to put some floating shelves about my bed on the wall opposite the dresser for displaying completed Lego sets. I have many that I would love to have out on display and be able to take down for play.
It's a process. Anyway I have a long day ahead of me so I'm off. I hope you're all well!
Friday, September 9, 2016
I like the bones of the sculpt, but I think I would prefer him as a blond or with a different style of red wig. I think he looks better with the 16mm eyes I put in him rather than the 18mm default eyes. The elf ears are really cute and I took a few pictures of those on my phone for comparison.
I have him with just the human ears in right now because I don't want to risk breaking the long elf ears. The wig protects the human ears well.
Next I need to pull out the other doll and eye and wig him and see what I feel. I think I could definitely see this guy in my long term crew even if I don't know who he would be yet. I'll have to discuss with Logan and his wife what sort of trade we could work out exactly.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
I lay down to sleep/rest, plugged my phone in to charge, rolled over.. and suddenly I was WIRED. Aggravated, I got up, turned the light back on, and grabbed my knitting.
I finished a the hat for Logan's Pan yesterday and cast on a sweater for Yo-SD. I'm about four rows past where the sleeves split off (raglan pattern) and I've set it aside so I don't make any serious fatigue mistakes.
Have I posted any of the knitting I've done recently? I don't think that I have. Since I made Owen's sweater in July 2015, I haven't really been able to knit because I was so sick. Since I got to Texas late June of this year, I have made a stuffed cat, two sweaters, and the hat for Logan's doll Pan.
First I made Beans the Cat, which I named Bohne die Katze, which if my German isn't too rusty should translate to "Beans the Cat" because I was either going to do it in German or Spanish, and I think Osaka beat me to it with naming one Frijoles del Gato. I may also make a black or brown one named Frijoles del Gato, but it will be smaller than the first one I made.
I'm not fluent in German or Spanish, truly, but I know enough that I can do silly stuff like that. I named my last cat Decke Ventilator Von Souffle, which if I recall correctly was "ceiling fan" in German with Von Souffle tacked on the end, because I was a goofball. I loved that cat.
Anyway knitted stuff. First we have Beans:
Then I made Toby a sweater of his own in a soft acrylic which has hints of tan and pink:
Then feeling confident I made another sweater from the same pattern from different tidbits that were all gifts from friends. I called the project the Friendship Sweater:
And last for now, is the hat intended for Pan, modeled by October:
In addition to late night knitting I've also been organizing playlists for my mp3 player and putting music back on my laptop that was accidentally deleted, from the mp3 players. I made a new playlist for when I'm just hanging out at the house.
Going back to my migraine medicine, I think that my backup medication (Maxalt) is aggravating my insomnia. I will bring it up with my doctor when I see him later this month and see if instead of alternating the two as needed migraine medications, I can just get more of the Imitrex. Doctors seem to be really stingy with migraine medication which baffles me because it doesn't get you high, and honestly it makes me feel like crap, just less like crap than I do when I actively have a brain-screaming migraine. It's probably a legislative thing but it's frustrating all the same. I would prefer not to even risk repeating the 9 month migraine and right now I'm still fighting out of the two week-ish one.
Random thoughts. I'm going to try to sleep.. again I think.
- I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.
I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.
I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.
Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.