Friday, July 25, 2014

I am no longer with Cash Converters.

Well I saw it coming about six months ago but it happened today. I was laid off. Our store alone is not able to support the volume of inventory needed for a successful Amazon store, and rather than garnering the cooperation of the surrounding local stores, the area manager and North America Manager decided to shut down my Amazon store. At least that's the reason I was given. I was also told that it was not a performance based lay off, that I was not Fired, but that there were no available positions in the company at this time.

The letter I was given was dated for three days ago. I was two hours into my shift when corporate asked if they could talk to me, and when I asked if they wanted me to complete the day's orders before I left I was told no, to please collect my things if I had any in the office, and go.

I have alot of feelings about this but I expect this is probably better for me in the long and short run. I've had job related anxiety for awhile now, and while I certainly don't enjoy job hunting, at least I don't feel like there is a sword dangling above my head any longer.

2013 was a really bad year for me in many ways but my work performance didn't suffer until Christmas when I hit rock bottom psychologically, or maybe I should clarify, when I became lucid and realized I was still at rock bottom. I'm in a better place emotionally, and psychologically now, than I was then, or this time last year, and I expect that whatever I end up doing next, I will be better prepared for.

Tomorrow I will file for unemployment to help me through until I do find the next job, and I will also look into what I need to do to maybe start classes at TCC (Tidewater Community College) in the fall, or probably in the spring since I'm sure I've missed the fall FAFSA deadline. Osaka has offered assistance in trudging through all of the information available.

I also have a few places in mind to put in applications once I get my resume back in order, and line up some more recent references.

At any rate if it does take a little while this will give my broken ankle a chance to heal better than my crutching about, to and from work as I have been.

Overall while I am nervous and anxious about what the future holds, I am also feeling some confidence that even though the world is spinning pretty fast just now, I will land on my feet on solid ground.

Honestly even if I end up just being a full time student there are worse ways to go about it. I will look for work and be happy if I can find it quickly, but I will also be a bit relieved if I am not having to try to go back to school after 15 years, and also juggling/learning a new job.

I am thankful that I am not in the middle of any layaways, and that Osaka is still working, and I hope this employment gap is as short as the last one was (about 2 weeks).

In non-job related stuff, when I got home from work, Osaka went with me to our storage unit so I could pull out my Legos from my childhood, as well as some doll related accessories. The Legos were filthy from years of play and inadequate storage, so we threw them in the tub with some dish soap, and I swirled it around and around till the water got gross, and carefully pulled each piece out, discarding broken bits, and non Lego stuff as I went. I expect they need another bath or two before I will want to mix them will all my newer shinier Legos but this is a start, and this was the day to do it.

I also received my birthday gift(s) from Mom and Faythe yesterday in the mail and took some photos of Doran with October. Doran took a tumble after I got the sweater on him, and all his head magnets popped out, but I glued them back in, a little too hastily (one is now backwards and I couldn't get it back out), and Doran is none the worse for wear.









Thursday, July 17, 2014

Everything is Awesome! Everything is great when you're part of a team!

If you haven't seen the Lego movie yet, you totally should. It's amazing. And in the Everything is Awesome range today, Osaka managed to get Zephi faceupped for me while I was at work, and he turned out beautifully.

In other Everything is Awesome stuff, my other birthday gift arrived today via FedEx, hence the Lego theme.




Zephi was very happy to show off his pretty face and sit by my new Lego set.



And then I proceeded to reorganize ALL of my Legos to try and make room and better fit what I have on the shelving I have available.

Here we have some creator sets, the castle set with the dragon, part of the Hobbit set where Bilbo first gets The Ring, and a little tiny Elf tree, also a Hobbit set.

You can also see from left to right Jessie, Émile, Elli, Ro, and to the far right Simon Oliver, Starshine, and Avery.



And in this you can see the Hobbit Lake Town set with the Dragon perched on my bedroom TV (of which view is obstructed by Lego).



Then I decided to photograph EVERYONE since I have them all in one room now. We did a deep cleaning of the apartment and all of my dolls are currently there, as well as their furniture and bins etc.

Here we have Robbie and Rowen, and Avery's head in the background.


This is a huge group shot from left to right with Noland, Orion, Amelia, Reji, TJ, Toby, Christopher Owen, Shen, Doran, Ichigo, Bear, Apollo and Earnán.


This is the bookshelf they are sitting on, with the rest of my legos, a mix of LOTR, and Hobbit sets, and Innis and Sarabelle on the next shelf down.


On the bottom shelf October has a tiny little area for himself.


And last in a pink chair off to the side, we have our newest member of The Cupcake Club, Zephi.


And I will finish with one last shot of Zephi with the new lego set because I like how this photo turned out.


I think that somes up my interests, BJDs, Legos, Videogames, Movies, and Books. Everything is Awesome!

And because I can't say it enough, I am so happy with the faceup work that Osaka does for me. She always does a beautiful job, and the faces are so expressive and perfect for what I like in my dolls. :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

So I guess I'm 31 now.

So I think my 31st birthday is probably the quietest birthday I have ever had. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I was pretty sick when I turned 30 and can't remember most of that year. I had a rowdy 29th with friends and coworkers. I think I'm very happy with a quiet birthday at home with my very best friend. I could have done without the broken ankle but honestly I'm not fussed, it was such a nice QUIET, pleasant day.

My big birthday gift to myself was Zephi, and Christy's gift to me will be a beautiful faceup for him when the weather is agreeable. She tried to paint him for me this weekend but the humidity was too high, so she'll try again when the weather is more receptive. I will probably come home some time in the next week or two and he'll be painted and smiling up at me from where I usually sit. :)

I also got the other big gift I wanted, direct from the Lego site, and will post photos of my Lego collection (a hodgepodge of Hobbit/LOTR/Creator sets) when I have it in hand and put together. We tried finding it in a local store but it was marked up from what it was direct from Lego, and I also ordered a couple of base plates and got free shipping and a limited edition minifigure for free.

Anyway I have to hobble out the door, back to work vacation is over. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

So I have a broken ankle.

So, last Tuesday I fell and broke my ankle. I was crossing the street, just got off the bus, almost to work, and then suddenly my left ankle rolled out from under me and I was stunned and on the ground in the middle of the road. Luckily there were people who saw me fall, and waited around, stopped the car that wanted to keep doing, and made sure I was okay. Well not okay, but not hit by a car.

I know that I have weak ankles so I keep an elastic compression ankle brace in my backpack so I always have one with me. I put it on and limped the rest of the way to work, which was not too far, as I was at the intersection of the shopping center. I realized pretty quickly that it was probably broken, and when I reached the store, and the manager let me in, I told her right away "I need to go to the doctor, I fell and I think I broke my ankle."

She gave me a concerned but skeptical look and had me remove my shoe and brace. She had me put an ice pack on it, and after a bit she concluded it was probably a severe sprain. One of my coworkers was kind enough to take my to my doctor who works through an urgent care center.

Dr C did three xrays from the back, a 45 degree angle, and the side and concluded that it was a very bad sprain with a hairline fracture. He asked me how it happened and when I explained the angle that my foot rolled he was sure that it was fractured from hitting the pavement, when the tendons and ligaments gave way.

After a week I'm wondering if there is not much more soft tissue damage than initially thought. I have 800mg motrin and about a days worth of vicodin left. I'm still in a bunch of pain even with the pain relief but this morning I was in more pain than I have been since I first fell. I was having serious difficulty getting moving when my alarm went off, and I've had a fever on and off since about 2 days after the injury.

I woke up white as a sheet, in agonizing pain and feeling like I was going to be sick all over the place. I was still struggling to find the strength to climb out of my loft bed when Osaka poked her head in and turned on the light to check on me. I told her that I felt terrible and I wasn't sure if I could get out of bed let alone get dressed and go to work. She looked at me hard and agreed, telling me that I looked terrible and should call out and rest, try to settle my stomach, get my temperature down, and rest. I started to argue, but I just didn't have the strength and honestly most of the time she's right about this sort of thing. I wake up feeling crappy lots of mornings, but generally push through it, go to work and up up doing okay. This was not one of those days.

I texted my store manager, and the opening manager, letting them know that I had a fever, and would not be able to come in, as I could not keep down my pain meds, and could not function without them. Then I took some pepto, ate some bread, took my pills and curled up on the sofa with a bucket and waited.. and fell asleep apparently. I woke up about 1pm ravenous, still in agonizing pain, and still pretty damned nauseous. I took another pepto pill, and more pain killers, and Wotan (Osaka's brother who came into town this last Wednesday) took me to get some lunch, and brought me back home.

I've spent about a week feeling listless, sore, and weak. When I'm sitting and resting I feel mostly fine, but the minute I get up and start to try and move, the world spins and my ankle shoots pain up my leg, and I try not to get sick all over the place.

I know the bone is broken and that there is alot of soft tissue damage but this is just ridiculous. I can't handle this and I'm almost out of hydrocodone. I have enough for tomorrow, and plenty of motrin for after that but I'm barely functioning with both and I am really concerned about how I'm going to get through the next several weeks of healing. It took nearly a year for this ankle to heal last time it got jacked up.

I'm so tired and frustrated.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Introducing Zephi, my 2014 Birthday Doll.

My birthday doll arrived super fast. Like way faster than I expected. I think that he was completely ready and packed before I made my final payment seriously.

Anyway he arrived today, sans faceup. He's beautiful, and completely perfect, and I'm looking forward to figuring him out. He's already proving easier than my last SEVERAL dolls because he gave up his name on the first day.

Introducing Zephi (short for Ismael Zephaniah):




It's amazing how much personality he has even without a faceup. I love the Ttory sculpt so much and I'm so pleased with him. He is soft and sweet and made of love. He's claimed the shirt and shoes for keeps but I need to get him some jeans and make him some shorts that are better fitting and more personality appropriate.

Incidentally for my own records, I made the initial order on 5-22-2014, final payment on 6-14-2014 (a Saturday), and he shipped 6-17-2014, and arrived 6-19-2014. He didn't even pause in Customs, just shot straight from JFK to Norfolk to our apartment.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

It's been a fantastic day.

So for my birthday this year, Osaka and I talked it over, and I'm purchasing a doll on layaway via Luts, just in time for their summer event. I've made two of my three payments per the layaway agreement and in two weeks I will make the final payment and will have properly secured a Ttory (for whom I have always had a soft spot) in the Real Skin Brown, with a lovely wig, in "natural black". Osaka has graciously agreed to do the faceup for me, and I am looking forward to having a beautiful tan MSD.

In addition to that I have had a fortuitous day today. I woke up in excruciating pain with a migraine coming into fullswing, but decided to take something for it and gut it out for adventuring with Osaka and Ringo. And Adventure we did.

First we ran into an old friend, who is also a doll friend (Syrinfox, who does the beautiful feathered wings), at the Mongolian BBQ place we went for lunch. I was peering at her baby boy because he looked very familiar (I recognized him from a recent facebook post about him eating) but I hadn't looked up at Mom, until she greeted us with a smile. We caught up briefly and agreed that we should meet up and talk dolls or just hang out soon. It was a very pleasant surprise.

We then stopped by our favorite Asian decor etc store and Osaka got me a beautiful pink dragon that's scaled as a lovely LARGE statue for SD scaled decor. She got herself a couple of tidbits as well, a smaller dragon, and a tiny Guan Yu.

Then we hit up the mall, Osaka got a gorgeous tote with an octopus on it, at Francescas, I got her some Autobot earrings at Hot Topic, she got Dynasty Warriors 8 Extreme Legends at Game Stop, and then we hit up Build A Bear, where Ringo got Sweetiebell (He wanted Scootaloo but they were out), and I got the VERY LAST How to Train Your Dragon 2 hoodie for one of my stuffies.

Then we stopped at Barnes and Noble in the cafe for a snack and for me to take another pain killer. After a bit when we'd finished out tidbits we decided to take in a movie, and chose Malificent over Godzilla because my poor head could not take all the explosions today.

So we made our way over to the theater and were about an hour and change early but went on in. I was wearing my bright turquoise "Free Hugs" shirt pictured with an aggressive looking bear, and got hugged by two (teen) guys who were really chill and amusing. The first looked at me and said, with a voice of almost awe "Free Hugs?" and extended his arms in invitation. I smiled and leaned in and laughed and give him a hug, and he promptly turned to his friend and said "Dude! Look at his shirt! Free hugs!" And so I hugged his friend as well. It was so much fun, and a reminder of why I like Virginia Beach quite so much.

We sat in a quiet remote part of the outer theater area until it our theater was open for seating. I got us popcorn and soda, while Ringo and Osaka secured us some nice seats. It was a FANTASTIC film, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who may have been on the fence about it.

Afterwards we walked home and I took more pain medicine and relaxed on the sofa while Osaka and Ringo went on to the store and got dinner.

It's been a beautiful and fantastic day, despite my persistent pain and discomfort and I look forward to another beautiful day tomorrow.

The only downside to our adventuring, is that I missed my window of opportunity to speak with Steve via skype. Hopefully we can do so tomorrow. I might also go swimming and play with more of my dolls. :)

I apologize for any big spelling or grammatical errors. I'm currently pretty heavily drugged so that I can function and it makes focusing on the details a little difficult.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Ichigo is awesome.

I've gotten kind of bad about posting regularly. I took a week of vacation in April and spent the whole week listless and aggravated. I kept trying to figure out what to do with my LONG day, and ended up staring at my computer screen in frustration, or playing the same video games for hours, but annoyed about it. I wish I was taking that vacation time in like a month. Each time I've stepped down the Lithium (twice now) my head gets clearer. It feels like my head has been wrapped in cotton, and I'm peeling it away and can finally breathe.

Last night, for the first time in I don't know how long, I actually played with Ichigo. I pulled him down off my MSD bench, and changed his eyes back to his rainbow eyes, changed his clothes, his wig, and just looked at him, at his faceup, his hands, his tiny sculpted belly button.

I love all of my dolls, but Ichigo is particularly special. He was my third doll, and the second that I thought I would never ever have a chance to get. He doesn't have a rare irreplaceable (Rollingpumpkin) faceup like Elli, so I've always been more comfortable handling him, and after the limited posing of the old Dream of Doll body and the Customhouse Little Junior body, I was incredibly charmed by his similar but more charming in every way body. The Little Junior body is beautiful but doesn't pose well, and the Dream of Doll body was limited and seemed featureless in comparison.

Ichigo is also incredibly special in that he is the only doll from the Nick/Brittany era that is not completely tainted with bad memories. I had a rocky bit with him, when I was living in Texas and everything was in flux, but after all this time, of the six that I had at the time, I don't touch two of them at all, I traded one away, I completely made one of them over, TWICE, and the other had a major identity crisis before I was able to deal with them again. Ichigo had a rough patch and slowly as I've gotten to a better place, the little spark that made him special has returned to brightness.

I was going to take photos but I'm tired of taking photos indoors in the dark, and it's grey and rainy today so I can't get good shots outside. I will try and get photos this weekend I think, and maybe play around a bit with some of the other dolls.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Catching up. Life is busy.

I've needed to do an updated post for a bit now but things have just been a bit crazy.

To start, Ringo was brought back home with a positive diagnosis of Aspergers after about two weeks. They were pretty sure the first day, but had questions for Osaka, who took him home on the Thursday of the week following his initial hospitalization. While Osaka was there they also confirmed that she has Aspergers, and that Ringo has the same potential for being high functioning like she is.

I reached a level of fed up with my physical side effects, from my meds, and my inability to find an adequate replacement for Dr T. I spoke with my medical doctor, after about a week of research and pondering, about stepping down the doses and getting off the psych meds.

The Saphis I was able to stop cold turkey because I'd only been on it about a month. The Lithium we are stepping down 300gm every two weeks. I started at 1200mg daily, and have been on 900mg daily for a week with noticeable improvement. I'll be at 900mg for the rest of this week and will start 600mg on Sunday. Once I hit the end of that week I will go back in and see Dr C to make sure everything is copacetic, and then go down to 300gm daily, then maybe 100mg before stopping entirely.

My appetite is back. I gained weight on Lithium but I was nauseous ALL THE TIME. I still am right after I take my morning dose, and for part of the evening after my evening dose. To compensate I had been eating regularly and healthily but in the past I've always done better with my weight if I eat when I'm hungry and just DON'T if I'm not. Eating regularly and feeling sick, I gained back everything I had slowly and carefully lost over a couple of years. My skin is also clearing up, my headaches are getting less severe, and I feel like I am able to think clearly. I also feel more playful. I was just goofing off with Osaka and Ringo last night, just all of us in giggles, when it was pointed out that I hadn't been like this in over a year.

The medicine made me super serious all of the time, and react angrily to most input. I do have a wicked temper, but honestly, unmedicated I react and then it's over. I apologize if I've reacted out of bounds, and then it's OVER. No long term drama, no grudges, unless it's about something really important and there is a serious miscommunication.

Anyway that's enough blather. TLDR: Ringo is home safe with a diagnosis, I'm going off the Psych meds under medical supervision.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

*TRIGGER WARNING* self harm

I awoke this morning to an unfamiliar male voice in the apartment. It was a soft voice, but I snapped awake and was startled to have not six inches from my face, a baby-faced blond police officer, who was speaking at eye level to Ringo. I determined this through bleary eyes without glasses based on the color of his clothing and the placement of patches. I responded by not responding when I sat bolt upright and was greeted with "Well hey there big guy!"

I mostly squirmed in my sheets for several minutes as adrenaline raced through me, trying to get a handle on what exactly was going on. I called out to Osaka, who explained that Ringo had threatened self-harm, and had also threatened her, and was trying to get at a weapon when she called the crisis number.

We had discussed this in the last few days, that the next time he made this threat we needed to take it seriously and actually call the number. It's the second threat with actions implying intent in three weeks. It's a threat we have heard quite a bit I am sad to say, mostly when he has his screaming meltdown tantrums which have gotten more severe lately.

After a few minutes the police officer spoke with a female officer, and Osaka. Ringo began packing up a suitcase and then several other smaller bags. The male officer gently told him that he couldn't take the whole apartment with him. The officer asked if I had heard anything and I said that I hadn't. He said I must be a heavy sleeper. I told him that the medication helped with sleep, and the fan's white noise blocked out the rest.

I finally stepped off into the bathroom to get dressed, and found Osaka, and Ringo leaving for the Hospital when I came out. I asked Osaka to keep me updated as they determined the best course of action.

I went to work. I did my tasks, texting Osaka every half hour or so asking if anything was settled, did we know what was next, etc. At about 2pm I convinced her to let me leave work and bring her food since she had not eaten at all today. One of my coworkers was very kind about it and ran me by Wendy's and then dropped me off at the ER, where they had put Ringo. I asked the receptionist if it was okay for me to bring in food and explained that Osaka had not eaten all day and she and Ringo had been there since early. She said it was fine and directed me to security for a visitor's pass. The pass had a photo of me on it with a date and time stamp, 4/28/2014 3:05:04pm.

I stayed with them and we talked softly back and forth, I was there for 4 hours, they were there for 10, all told, I believe.

It had been determined that Ringo was going to be checked into a mental health hospital, and the main reason for the wait, was trying to find an adolescent hospital with a free bed/room. Ringo was nervous and at times very scared. He kept insisting that they were going to strap him down and jab him with needles full of sedatives. I explained that it doesn't work that way, and told him about my own experience (albeit as an outpatient) with a mental health hospital, to try and reassure him.

Eventually the hospital sent an ambulance to retrieve Ringo and Osaka (for paperwork). I asked if I could come but it was against regulations. So I hugged them both, and I walked to the college campus where the covered bus stop is, because it was raining. I was able to sit and feel numb and conflicted for about 10 minutes before my bus came, and then I hurried home to walk and feed and water the dogs, who had been shut up since the police came in the morning (I assume).

Today was so long, and so gut wrenching, and upsetting all around even though logically I know it was the right thing to do. Osaka and I discussed this as a we must do this next time he threatens self harm, because we MUST take it seriously, thing, and it's still upsetting.

I am full of adrenaline, and writhing guts full of FEELINGS, and concern. I hope that Ringo isn't scared now. I hope that he's sleeping restfully. I hope that this hospitalization teaches him some coping skills, and that he grasps why we have to take him seriously.

I hope I can calm down.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

I'm a boy. This is one of many reasons why.

So Ringo had a tantrum of EPIC proportions Tuesday afternoon into the evening, and as a result I completely forgot to do my (testosterone) shot. I did realize and do it the next evening but it has thrown my entire world off balance. I have a very regimented schedule of rise and fall of testosterone because of my dose and my taking it weekly instead of bi-weekly or monthly. So, when it gets off even by one day, I start having FEELINGS in all caps, and EMOTIONS, and am quick to cry.

It started about midday yesterday and peaked about midday today, after another Ringo episode in the morning. I've learned to be rational and calm and patient because of my interactions with him, but this morning I told him that if he was going to behave badly he couldn't play xbox, and when he protested, instead of something reasonable, I found myself saying "It's MY xbox, and if I say you can't play it you can't. If I wanted to, I could unhook it and shove it in the closet." Which, while true, is not really a rational calm argument to make to a 12 year old.

So of course because I am in the place of FEELINGS I fixated on it but in the back of my mind where it hit me midday and I panicked. I was doing fine at work, had a good number of orders, decent numbers for the day and rounding out the week, for sales, plus my last day at work till my vacation starts. Not at all a bad day.

Except that despite all of that really awesome stuff and my feelings of love and affection prompting me to text and check on each sibling and Mom, I was freaking the hell out.

I held it together until I was leaving the grocery store after work, with the toilet paper and soap and a soda for Osaka. I felt it in the pit of my stomach and growing and raging in my head as I rounded the lake towards the apartment. My hand shook as I put the key in the door and turned the lock. And then I heard his cheerful voice say something innocuous and I was full of RAGE and HURT FEELINGS and all the inappropriate reactions one gets when they feel these things.

And I just stood there, door ajar, telling the dogs very softly to get back. Unable to speak more than a whisper. And after a moment I came into the living room and handed Osaka her soda and she told me "You look like hell, what's wrong?" with real and honest concern. And I told her that I was full of FEELINGS and ANGER and HURT FEELINGS and it was all because of that morning, and I kept going over it in my head trying to figure what I should have done, should have said but it just made me angrier and more confused. And Ringo, being a bright boy, realized pretty quickly what I was referencing, and slunk down like a dog being whipped. He was quiet and obedient and mild all afternoon and evening and I'm told he had been most of the day since about an hour after I left for work in the morning.

And now it's over six hours later and I'm still full of FEELINGS and one of those feelings is frantic. I am officially on vacation, 8 days off because of the way it's scheduled, and I am not doing a happy dance or a Yay Yay cry. I just want to cry. I hate feeling like this. This is not the Bi-Polar. This is what I felt like when I was a "girl". ALL THE TIME. Constant barrage of FEELINGS and HURT FEELINGS and second guessing every damn thing I do. I FEEL WRONG, because I took my shot one day late and my estrogen is too high, or my testosterone is too low. One damn day.

About Me

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Welcome to The Cupcake Club! This Journal is to showcase my crafts and designs. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior and architectural design, but I do most of that with programs like The Sims 2, with tons of custom content.

I also post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

My interests include the above, design, in most varieties, Anime, Manga, Crime Dramas, and videogames of various kinds (Guitar Hero, Dragon Quest, etc). :3