Saturday, April 19, 2014
It started about midday yesterday and peaked about midday today, after another Ringo episode in the morning. I've learned to be rational and calm and patient because of my interactions with him, but this morning I told him that if he was going to behave badly he couldn't play xbox, and when he protested, instead of something reasonable, I found myself saying "It's MY xbox, and if I say you can't play it you can't. If I wanted to, I could unhook it and shove it in the closet." Which, while true, is not really a rational calm argument to make to a 12 year old.
So of course because I am in the place of FEELINGS I fixated on it but in the back of my mind where it hit me midday and I panicked. I was doing fine at work, had a good number of orders, decent numbers for the day and rounding out the week, for sales, plus my last day at work till my vacation starts. Not at all a bad day.
Except that despite all of that really awesome stuff and my feelings of love and affection prompting me to text and check on each sibling and Mom, I was freaking the hell out.
I held it together until I was leaving the grocery store after work, with the toilet paper and soap and a soda for Osaka. I felt it in the pit of my stomach and growing and raging in my head as I rounded the lake towards the apartment. My hand shook as I put the key in the door and turned the lock. And then I heard his cheerful voice say something innocuous and I was full of RAGE and HURT FEELINGS and all the inappropriate reactions one gets when they feel these things.
And I just stood there, door ajar, telling the dogs very softly to get back. Unable to speak more than a whisper. And after a moment I came into the living room and handed Osaka her soda and she told me "You look like hell, what's wrong?" with real and honest concern. And I told her that I was full of FEELINGS and ANGER and HURT FEELINGS and it was all because of that morning, and I kept going over it in my head trying to figure what I should have done, should have said but it just made me angrier and more confused. And Ringo, being a bright boy, realized pretty quickly what I was referencing, and slunk down like a dog being whipped. He was quiet and obedient and mild all afternoon and evening and I'm told he had been most of the day since about an hour after I left for work in the morning.
And now it's over six hours later and I'm still full of FEELINGS and one of those feelings is frantic. I am officially on vacation, 8 days off because of the way it's scheduled, and I am not doing a happy dance or a Yay Yay cry. I just want to cry. I hate feeling like this. This is not the Bi-Polar. This is what I felt like when I was a "girl". ALL THE TIME. Constant barrage of FEELINGS and HURT FEELINGS and second guessing every damn thing I do. I FEEL WRONG, because I took my shot one day late and my estrogen is too high, or my testosterone is too low. One damn day.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Arrival Date: November 24th 2006
Sculpt Version: Volks Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki
Gender: Technically neither. I use male pronouns.
Eyes: Soom 16mm Rainbow eyes
Wig: Fur wig by me.
Bio: Ichigo is an Angel who fell to earth, literally. Originally I had him written as a clumsy little thing that fell from the sky and had a hard landing. He's a mischevious thing, and also made of sugar.
Name: Robbie Math Ciarach
Arrival Date: June 11th 2008
Sculpt Version: Volks School Head C on SD10 boy body.
Face-up: By Osaka
Eyes: 16mm MoC Hypnotic EK04
Wig: Leeke something..
Bio: Robbie is my self doll. He works from home, and is the father of Christopher Owen. Robbie is openly gay and will eventually be partnered off to a character named Marek, whom I have yet to find the right sculpt for. Currently he has an on again off again thing going with Avery. Robbie has four sisters the younger two having physical form (in MSD scale, owned by Faythe), as FaithAnn, and Rosalie.
Name: Christopher Owen Ciarach
Arrival Date: January 10th 2007
Sculpt Version: Volks Tinatsu/Kuuta (Tinatsu faceup, I swapped lower torsos for a boy)
Eyes: Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki Default 16mm green
Bio: Christopher Owen has two Daddies was originally an idea I had for a series of children's books showing a little boy interacting with his two fathers doing normal family activities, because there is not enough literature out there in that vein. Similarly, Simon Oliver has two Mommies was meant to be the opposite gender version. Christopher Owen is Robbie's son but I have yet to unravel exactly how that happened. I've gone through a few theories.
Name: Adam Everett Avery (goes by Avery)
Arrival Date: April(?) 2008.
Sculpt Version: Souldoll Lune
Face-up: Original default Souldoll faceup.
Eyes: 16mm MoC Hypnotic EK03
Wig: I can't even remember. I bought like six wigs trying to please him.
Bio: Avery is mostly a mystery still. He took a long time to come together and all I really get from him is that he's a shamelessly charismatic flirt. Fun fact; I got his head in 2008, and his body in 2013, same as Robbie. He also has factory ear piercings, and wears tiny silver star earrings, that I picked up at a local shop that has since gone under.
Arrival Date: December 26th 2009
Sculpt Version: Soom Beyla *Human head*
Face-up: By Me
Eyes: 14mm MoC Hypnotic EK24
Wig: Leekeworld Kona 6/6.5 in Maroon
Bio: Earnán is a Phoenix boy who is from the same fantasy world as Starshine, Doran, Innis, and Moonbeam. He is most involved in Doran's story.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
I think I'm far more bothered that I don't know what they said, than I am by either conclusion. Because really, I get shouted at all the time. People in cars think it's hilarious to shout at people on the sidewalk, and most of the time it's unintelligible.
It also strikes me that with either intended insult, it comes across as a person pointing at a feline and shouting with a tone of authority and dominance "YOU'RE A CAT!" I am aware that I am a chubby guy, and I am aware that my current hairstyle and clothing may peg me as gay. I'm not really bothered by that, because that's kind of what I was going for. I AM gay, and if my hairstyle and clothing reflect that, then so be it. I'm also overweight, and someone shouting "HEY, YOU'RE FAT!" does not change this.
I took a selfie at work yesterday and posted it to facebook, but this is what they were shouting at:
So after careful thought, and some discourse with Osaka, I'm left with dissatisfying feeling of confusion rather than anger or outrage.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Maybe I'll do sets of five since I have a total of 25 dolls. I thought I was closer to 30 but my current and up-to-date list on Den of Angels says 25. I was going to go in order of arrival but I don't think I can handle that. So here's what I've put together so far.
Arrival Date: October 4th 2013
Sculpt Version: Luts Tiny Delf Alice in real brown skin.
Face-up: By Luts (default)
Eyes: Luts glass default (dark green)
Wig: Luts mystery wig.
Bio: October is the Prince of the Pumpkins. He says that he is the son of the Pumpkin King. October is a toddler/baby who speaks in baby-babble with real words but in a way that makes sense only to him.
Arrival Date: February 16th 2013
Sculpt Version: Fairyland Littlefee Event Vampire Rolly Faceplate
Face-up: By Me
Eyes: 14mm MoC Azure Ice Glitter (I think, might be midnight)
Wig: Unstrung Hero Fur wig.
Bio: Innis is a water dragon. He was intended to be paired off with Moonbeam for magic training and eventual romantic interest when they reached adulthood. The bonding ceremony was alarmingly interrupted by way of Starshine landing on the ground in the form of a Unicorn boy who stole the show and the girl, whether he wanted to or not. Innis resides in the same general time and place as Starshine, Earnán, Doran, and Moonbeam.
Arrival Date: December 26th 2009
Sculpt Version: Soom Beyla *Unicorn head*
Face-up: By Alison (UnseelieQueen)
Blushing: By Alison, on the hooves, and tail.
Eyes: Souldoll Acrylics
Wig: Blue fur wig, made by me.
Bio: Starshine was originally a shooting star, and found himself startlingly captured into a physical form as a Unicorn boy, when a bonding ceremony by a young witch named Moonbeam went sideways. Starshine is the angriest unicorn, as he is pretty pissed off to be stuck in a physical form, and is prone to temper tantrums including alot of stomping things with his tiny hooves. Starshine is part of the fantasy world that includes Earnán, Doran, Innis, and Moonbeam.
Arrival Date: May 21st 2009
Sculpt Version: Narshadoll Narsha girl
Face-up: By Osaka
Eyes: 14mm MoC Violet
Wig: Mystery wig!
Bio: Jessie is a mystery. I think she is a witch like Moonbeam, from that world of magic.
Arrival Date: August 4th 2009
Sculpt Version: Soom Initial Monthly Doll Release of Glot and Glati
Face-up: By Me
Wig: CustomHouse wig, that came with my Uranus.
Bio: Doran is a little sheep-faun from the fantasy highlands of Scotland, in a world where magic is real and fantasy creatures exist. He resides in the same general time and place as Starshine, Earnán, Innis, and Moonbeam.
And that's all for this batch! Next up.. who knows?
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I have decided to try and take a portrait quality photo of each of my dolls and make up a profile tag in Livejournal so I can look them up later to remember details.
Also I can't get Painter Classic to work with Windows 7. My tablet works just fine still but I need recommendations for freeware or shareware that is easy to learn and manipulate. Any suggestions?
I wrote out a bunch of explanation and apology but it was confusing to write, let alone read so I'm just going to move on. I know that I have good friends, and family, and I know who I can contact if I am in crisis, and I am incredibly thankful for both.
I don't know all of what lies ahead, but I do know that there are things I would like to do. I'd like to visit the West Coast, and get to meet my cousins. Technically I met two of them when I was 7, but that was 23 years ago and it was the summer Grandpa died so... Yeah I want to create some new positive memories with my cousins, if they want to meet me. If they don't I have some other friends (Lori and Mike) who live in that area, that I'd love to spend some time with, and I could go further south and see my Aunt and maybe my Uncle in California (And Batchix if she isn't busy ;D). I'd also like to go to Arizona and be a Tourist. I've never seen the desert, and I believe a good chunk of Arizona is desert. So I could visit Myriai, and pass through to Texas to see DollyKat and all my Texas family.
None of this is like actually planned out with maps and dates and times or anything. Just things I would like to do. I need to remind myself of the things I would like to do, when I'm in a dangerous self-harm kind of mindset, and that's a huge travel list to fixate on and embellish. And that's just the US trip.
I'm not saying I'm okay, or that I didn't mean what I said. I'm just trying to show that I haven't given up despite the inclination.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Regardless of tasking, or awkward communication, or attempts at normalcy, if that compulsion is there when you wake every morning, and it's harder to tune out every day, something is wrong.
Every single medication that I have been prescribed to treat bi-polar disorder mentions suicidal thoughts or actions as a RARE but SERIOUS side effect. The problem isn't the medicine though. I was suicidal to start.
Violent vivid mental images of my death play out, out of the blue. No change in music, no scent on the wind. Just, here have a home movie of one way you could kill yourself in realistic hallucination mode.
That's why I sought treatment in March of 2013. I said it was hallucinations, but I didn't specify what.
I don't WANT to die. I just am having a really really hard time wanting to live.
I expressed this to Dr Cortes, and he asked why I didn't follow through. I didn't have an answer really. I think I just stared him in the face and said that I just didn't. I don't want to die, but I have the urge to. It's a really pressing urge.
In the past thinking of my family has been the thing that has stopped me, but those stupid voices, MY voice, tells me that it really doesn't matter. The earth will keep spinning, people will still be cold, hungry, homeless, and one more dead tranny won't change that. My being dead doesn't make life any easier or harder financially for Osaka and Ringo. It won't help him in school, and it can't mess him up much more than his father running off on him. I know that voice is wrong, but it's my voice, and I can be pretty damned convincing. I pride myself on my charm.
Lithium helps me to make better choices, and think things through. Clonazepam helps with the PANIC!Anxiety that I experience every day over stupid things. Saphis is the new one, been on it about a month and I had interest in my hobbies and other things briefly. I attributed it to the medicine, but it was probably the manic episode I was trying to treat. Who knows, it's the most I've felt, in a positive way, in over a year.
I know I must come across like a psychopath in my recent posts and I apologize. I don't feel like I know how to properly communicate anymore.
Everything is fear and judgement, and fatigue. I am so exhausted, despite getting a proper amount of sleep, and being sure to caffeinate early in the day so that I can be productive.
I used to enjoy my job so much, and now I live in constant fear of losing it. I've been too sick for too long and it's affected my work. I'm too dysfunctional to get my office job right. I've always screwed things up in the end. At least it certainly feels that way right now.
I don't know what to do. I know that I want to push through and focus on getting my name legally changed. I got hung up on that because I can't figure out where I'm supposed to take the form and money order. I know at the court house, but I don't know if it's at the same place where we apply for our 2nd-hand dealer's license each year or someplace else. What I will probably do is ask off one day and just go up there early and ask around. Someone will know where to send me before all the offices close for the day.
I want to run away and hide. I want to sleep forever. I want the physical pain to stop. But I also want a life with Steve. I'd like to see my youngest niece and nephews grow up. I'd like to go to England and meet Steve's family, and have him meet my HUGE Texas family. I'd like to play with my dolls again, and I'd like to be able to cry. I want to help Osaka, and Ringo. I want to SEE Osaka. Our schedules conflict and we see each other less than 4 hours out of the day. Usually between 2-3 hours from when she comes home from work to when she goes to bed.
I would really like the possibility of being a functional human being. With or without medication and psychotherapy.
Monday, March 17, 2014
I've expressed to family and friends that I am really going to miss him. I don't like Psychiatrists as a rule. They tend to come across as cold, distant, condescending, and worse. Dr T was funny, charismatic, and even came off as passionate about his patients. I've never had a mental health provider like him, and I'm sad that I will likely never see or talk to him again.
Psychologists are a different mess. There are many different kinds, with many different attitudes and approaches to therapy. Dr M, whom I saw in my teens, had a talk it out approach, which works well for me. I never dreaded seeing him, and I never felt judged. I can't say as I've ever felt judged by any Psychologist, but I liked Dr M probably as much as I did Dr T. Dr C, who was at the same practice as Dr T, was similarly pleasant, but his approach to therapy bothered me. It was the kinds of charts and graphs and "training yourself to XYZ" that I remember from School Counselor visits and early on therapy and I hated all of it. There are some things that you can learn or train yourself to do, instead of this, or instead of that, but I can't just train myself not to be bi-polar. I can't change my GUT reaction, and I ALREADY change my outward reaction. So therapy with instructions to "re-write" my life is contrary to my needs.
Honestly much of it takes me back to things my father used to say, telling me to just not react to stimuli, as though it's that easy for an 8-year-old. Dad had lots of that kind of wisdom, and brain training, and neo-hippy mumbo-jumbo. It went hand in hand with the sorts of people who end up being and seeing Chiropractors. There are people who truly believe that Chiropractics and herbal supplements can cure ANYTHING. Chiropractics and herbal supplements do have their place, but if you have say Cancer, or Diabetes, or Arthritis, you really need to see a Specialist, and go from there.
There is a not-so-fine line between doing a cleansing diet of grains and veggies with lean protein, which I would consider a healthy thing, and downing a bunch of herbal shakes and running 5 miles without proper hydration to cleanse yourself of "toxins". Someone says that word in that context and I get hives. I want to throw things. Your body doesn't make "toxins". Your body may have a virus, or a bacterial infection, which can be treated properly and cured, but you do not MAKE "toxins". People who think that you do, think you need to drink tons of water (ok, not a bad thing), take ALL the herbal supplements (please run those by a pharmacist just to make sure), and then there's the tonic "cleansings" by way of colonic enemas. Just, No. They throw off your body's natural balance of bacterias, electrolytes, and make it far more likely for you to contract infections. It's dangerous.
I have lots and lots and lots of baggage about my Dad. The last two paragraphs barely scrape the surface.
Next rant. Tacobell has been showing this new commercial depicting something that I find incredibly upsetting for two reasons.
First, the women depicted smile and say no when asked if they want something, and then as the food arrives or is handed off, they immediately dig into it. It really pisses me off that this an okay thing to stereotype. It pisses me off an equal amount that these women laugh or smile and say no, then immediately take food off the other person's plate. DO NOT EVER TAKE FOOD FROM ME OR FROM MY PLATE.
If we are in a position of eating out and I ask if you would like to share an appetizer, and you say no, but then try to eat it when it arrives, I am going to be furious. If you wanted to share you should have said yes. If I am not WILLING to share, you may order your own, but I will not hesitate to assault someone who tries to take food from me. It's not a "fat" thing, it's an "I was a starving child" thing. Don't try to turn it on me. Don't try to judge me. Order your own damn food.
If I OFFER you some food and you say no, that is fine. If I OFFER you some food, and you take some that is fine. If I am minding my own business enjoying my meal and you reach for some you may find a fork or knife in your hand and I am not even kidding.
I have had arguments with coworkers at several different jobs because they wanted to try what I was eating and just reached for it and I flipped out. Most of them didn't make that mistake twice.
In fairness, I will never try to take food from you. I am not, and never wish to be a hypocrite. If you have not given me express permission to take some of what you have, I will not touch it. I do not take food from my siblings or Mother unless they specifically offer it. I do not take more than is offered.
I think that's all I can manage. I'm sorry for the raw emotional rant, but I just haven't been able to communicate well for so long that I needed to vent.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I had a delivery I was expecting today anyway, my Zelda themed 3DS XL. I wasn't sure if I was going to have to sign for it or not. It turns out NOT because I fell asleep on the sofa some time after 1pm, and woke up when Ringo about dropped the box on my face, with a chirpy helpful "I dunno what it is, but it has your name on it! 8D". That was about 4:30 when the bus drops him off.
After sorting myself out and waking up, I opened it, and it was my 3DS which I set to charging and downloading/installing the Link Between Worlds game that is part of the bundle. I still need to associate it with my Nintendo ID but I can't remember the password I chose and I don't want to screw it up on my red 3DS XL where the password is saved, so I decided I'd figure it out later. This does give me a DS that is not FULL of Ravelry (knitting forum) people from when I was playing Animal Crossing New Leaf (August to Halloween).
I also ordered new game cases yesterday? The ones I have don't accommodate 3ds game cartridges so I have those in my zip up carrying case, in a small plastic bag, which is less protection than I like for my games.
I'm really annoyed about working Saturday because I actually had plans, KNOWING that I had both days of the weekend off. This morning I was dressed for work and texted my ride only to find out that the store manager who has been in and out for medical reasons, has temporarily misplaced his keys, and was trying to get one or the other of the assistant managers to come let him into the store. At about an hour into what should have been my shift I texted him back saying that I would stay home today and work Saturday. I was pissed but between leaving work early yesterday (NECESSARY YES, not the point) and coming in late, I would have been WAY under hours and forced to work Saturday anyway if I want to pay my bills.
So after I texted and got the affirmative "K" (different rant, different time), I walked to the grocery store and picked up some necessary items for the apartment. I got something nibbly, either for lunch or dinner, and something substantial to be the other meal, and something for Ringo for his dinner, since Osaka asked me nicely to do that for her today.
I don't know if I'm aggravated because I stopped the new med (like withdrawal?) or if I'm just aggravated.
I did have a pleasant surprise in the evening. I'd been noodling around learning the map on the new Zelda game, and my phone rang, and it was my Mom. I think she said right away that nothing was wrong, and that she just wanted to talk to me, or check on me. Something in that vein, friendly, loving. I gathered she'd read my recent entries here, and I rambled on a bit. Several times I think. It's really hard to focus, when I try to focus it feels like tightening your hands around a wet noodle. It's slippery and moving, and the more you try to grip it, the more it wiggles out of your hands. Mom was really gracious, but I think she tends towards that. I don't remember much of her as a kid, because I don't remember very well in general, and Mom spent much of that time busy. Busy with Church, or crafts, and sometimes willing to interact, but always busy.
We talked about Church a bit, and I tried to articulate why I am not an active member of the LDS church but I think I failed badly, and may have been offensive. That was not my intent at all. We also talked about Mert, and how I bonded with my step-brother Logan when I went to Texas to be with Mom right after he(Mert) passed. I was expressing missing that quiet time with her, even that quiet time in an unfamiliar but safe-feeling place that I had while she was at work, and I was.. watching old TV shows, and skyping with Steve, and plotting doll purchases. I think I went manic like right at the end of that trip, because I remember which dolls I was looking at second hand on Den of Angels, and they are the ones that I ended up purchasing.
I keep thinking I have just enough Tax return that I could get another tiny, but.. I don't want to. I mean I'd LIKE to, but I don't have time to play with the ones I have, and mental health takes priority, physical health as well. All of my free time goes to commuting from one doctor to another. It's exhausting. I am so thankful that I have good health insurance. I'm so terrified that my struggle to get my bi-polar episodes evened out is going to cost me my job, my friends, my home.
I know that I am doing the right thing by having a set day that I go to the Dr (Wednesday!), and once we get my meds sorted that it will just be a maintenance thing, not a twice a month or more thing. I look forward to having my weekends back. And maybe even my creative passion. I want to want to sew, knit, draw, paint, any of it. I play video games but I DO enjoy creative pursuits. Or at least I used to. Where is the button to turn that back on?
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
So I spoke with my manager J, who had given me a lift into work, explaining that I was having the same symptoms as yesterday but more severe. I saw my reflection. I looked ill. I could barely recognize or even see myself, as my eyes kept trying to roll back in my head as I stood in the bathroom trying to wash my hands.
After a short discussion, I carefully processed the days orders and clocked out. J drove me home, bless him. I was concerned about waiting at the bus stop with the erratic passing out.
Once I got home I immediately called my Psychiatrist's office and requested to speak with him. I was told he was in a session and I could be routed to his voicemail. I protested, that I would wait, they could put me on hold, explaining that I had tried to reach this doctor a week ago at his request, and had been completely unable to leave even a message for him, despite 15 attempts. I requested that if she was unwilling or unable to place me on hold, could she please write a note and pass it to him, regarding my latest medication and my concerns with serious side effects. I also clearly asked if it was *SAFE* to discontinue this medicine. The now cranky receptionist took down my name and phone number, and some portion of the message, and promptly hung up on me, before I could even thank her. I know she doesn't make the system, and I understand that they must be trained to be cautious of "demands" of psychiatric patients, but I was still a bit put off.
I was speaking with Faythe via skype (no video, need to fix that) while on the call and she was as confused and aggravated by the receptionist's attitude as I was.
I did receive a call, FOUR HOURS LATER, by someone other than my Doctor asking what my concerns via the medicine were. I repeated my symptoms, clearly and politely said that I would prefer to discuss DIRECTLY with my Dr, and answered her questions before I was politely hung up on. I don't understand how it can be so hard to say "Thank you and goodbye" or something to that effect. Truly this bothers me.
Finally, two and a half hours later, I received a call from Dr T, who had gotten a VERY garbled version of my message. He was his usual casual but polite self, and told me to stop taking the new medicine immediately. He then went over his notes to try and find a secondary medicine that I haven't tried yet. He mentioned one, then decided on a different one, saying it was like a Lamborghini, you have to try it to see if you like it. He has such a way with words sometimes. I'm really going to miss having him as my Psychiatrist.
He stressed that if I stop sleeping, I need to come in sooner than my next appointment which is next Wednesday. I told him that I would. And then he told me he had to go because he was hungry. I laughed and told him "Then go eat!".
I'm still manic, and have been, but the Lithium seems to help me to make responsible choices, so I'm not lost. I have splurged a bit with my tax return since I won't be using it for surgery, but I've thought each purchase through, thoroughly to see if it's something I will actually use and enjoy, and there have been a number of things I decided against, because they were impulse buys and I don't need them. That is HUGE for me, especially while manic.
I've purchased some Lego sets on clearance at %50 off or better at the Kroger next to work. I've purchased a Littlefee boy body for Innis. I've purchased the special Zelda 3DS XL bundle via Amazon which should arrive tomorrow. There is still some left, and everything else I've spent has been on groceries or lunch at work, reasonably priced.
- Welcome to The Cupcake Club! This Journal is to showcase my crafts and designs. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior and architectural design, but I do most of that with programs like The Sims 2, with tons of custom content.
I also post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.
My interests include the above, design, in most varieties, Anime, Manga, Crime Dramas, and videogames of various kinds (Guitar Hero, Dragon Quest, etc). :3