My wisdom teeth were successfully removed today.

The pulling of the wisdom teeth went very smoothly. I was pretty anxious leading up to it, but by the time I was in the chair and being prepped I felt far more calm. They had a bit of trouble finding a vein for the IV, so they ended up putting it in my hand. Usually this is not a problem, but I was dehydrated, from the no water after midnight, and being on Lithium.

They put me on the gas just about as soon as I sat down though, so while it was certainly not comfortable, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I recall the IV going in, and them starting to say to count back from something. I never heard what number I was meant to count back from. Next I knew I was grunting in discomfort as the dentist was re-cementing my crown. I asked, with a mouth full of gauze if he'd gotten all four teeth, and if the crown had been a problem. He said he'd removed the crown before even trying on my right side, because he didn't want to damage it, and that it had actually been the lower right one that gave him a little trouble.

They they walked me to another room where I sat and listened as they gave Katy (my friend and coworker who took me) care instructions.



Then we went to Target and filled my prescriptions. They gave me Percoset and 800mg Ibuprofen as well as an Antibiotic. I'm supposed to start the antibiotic tomorrow. I am tentatively planning to return to work on Thursday, but if I'm feeling well enough Wednesday i may go in after I see Dr T. I'm not sure what to expect at this followup, but now that my teeth are sorted (for now anyway) I can focus on getting my psychological crap treated.

I'm icing every hour or so, and sitting/sleeping upright on the sofa intermittently. I expect the healing to go well at this rate. I still taste blood but the bleeding has slowed significantly since noon, when the procedure was completed. I went through all the gauze they gave me, and ended up walking to the store to get more. I regret walking, but I needed the gauze as I was bleeding enough to be feeling quite ill. '

I also got to talk to Steve today which was nice. Talking is kind of hard. My jaw is wanting to lock and be stiff. It was very nice though, even if I was a bit of a space-case.

I hope you're all doing well!

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out.

Well. The last several weeks have felt insanely hectic. I've juggled doctor and dental and mental appointments and finally got back to normal-ish this week. I think. It's hard to say.

I know I'm early on in the psych meds, but I have noticed side effects. I have a hard time focusing on using the computer. On the other hand I cleaned the bedroom, organized, de-cluttered, and have prepped for a faceup for Innis. I have also been incredibly productive at work. It's a slow time of year but my office is organized and clean. I'm also completely up to date on emails and paperwork, which have suffered in the past.

I feel strange, a little scatterbrained, but many of those little thoughts that go skittering off like grease on a hot griddle, come back to me after a bit. I've had intermittent nausea, and drowsiness, the latter of which I've combated with B12 energy shots.

I'm a bit frantic. I will be having oral surgery on Monday to remove all four wisdom teeth. They came in and out for years and finally fully emerged sometime in my late twenties. They were there when I had my root canal about a year and a half ago. One of them was the tooth that broke early last week. I'm a bit anxious but have been reassured by everyone that it will be fine. I'm a little worried about how I might cope, since I can't even drink water (and can't dry swallow) so I won't be on my meds. The procedure is late enough in the morning I will not take my morning meds, and will take the evening meds to get back on track.

My manager told me to take as long as I need. I plan to go back in on Thursday, but she is expecting me to probably leave early if I do. Fingers crossed I don't need to.

I can't focus anymore so.. I hope you're all doing well.

Happy Birthday Osaka!!

Today has been amazing. It's Osaka's birthday which USUALLY goes terribly. The day started off on a bit of a rough start with Ringo throwing a tantrum about properly brushing his teeth.

Then I left for my appointment with Dr T, and somehow was there an hour and a half early. I had subtracted time from the commute since I was there an hour early last time and I have no idea what happened. I think I might have walked faster. I was pretty anxious. By the time my appointment started (20 minutes late) I was in a full blown panic attack.

Dr T was really nice. He has some other TG patients and is well educated in those issues as well as the bi-polar, depression, anxiety and other factors. I was expected a middle-aged, soft in the middle, soft-spoken man, and instead met a YOUNG tall, good looking, polite and articulate man. He threw me off a few times with some of his questions and comments but in a way that put me at ease.

Dr W was very nice, but I was still pretty nervous and upset when I left, despite his best efforts. I was actually in a pretty good place today after speaking with Dr T.

We addressed my concerns over anti-depressants. He also told me that Xanax was about the worst anxiety med possible for me and to discontinue use immediately. Xanax is why I've had anxiety dreams, increased panic attacks, and horrific mood-swings for the past two weeks.

He has prescribed Lithium and Seroquel for now, and requested blood-work and an EKG.

He also told me that he can see why I was diagnosed as bi-polar going on Dr W's notes, but that he thought there was probably something else going on, maybe as well as, maybe instead of. We're hoping to clarify that with the blood-word and EKG, or at least that was the impression I was given.

Some of the questions and comments threw me off and delighted me were as follows. The first of which was telling me that I was a good looking man, and that he was excited to meet me. I laughed kind of awkwardly and asked what he meant and he smiled and repeated that he'd been excited to meet me since he'd seen my file. So that was fun. Then later in the background Q&A he paused and asked "Were you a pretty girl?" to which I responded "Well yes, of course!". I'm sure there is no doubt of my vanity. :P He also complimented my beard and said he wished he could grow one like that.

I'm nervous yet about being on anti-psychotics, but I know that I can't get better if I don't actually try the treatments so I will take them. So, after a short day at work, I went to the pharmacy at Target to fill them, and pick up a new rescue inhaler. I also went by the toy section since generally if I have to visit the doctor I buy myself a treat. I didn't find anything for myself but I did find a little Rarity plush for Osaka! And in amazing serendipitous luck, Osaka actually found not one, but TWO Deuce Gorgons at the Target near where she works, one for her, and one for me, because she is AWESOME like that. So I did still get a pretty freaking awesome treat for doctor visit.

We (Osaka and I) actually ended up on the same bus home for the evening, so we scooped Ringo up and went out for a nice birthday dinner at San Jose! Dinner was awesome, until suddenly there was what felt like chip stuck in my teeth. It was actually critical tooth failure much to my distress. Luckily I do have good dental insurance. So tomorrow I will be hunting trying to get into somewhere for an emergency dentist appointment. Trying not to think about that, like at all.

But then we came home and there was a box on my bed~ My (very early) birthday gift from Steve arrived! I did open it (cause I could not wait until July, seriously), and was delighted. I knew what was coming because he ordered it for me while we were on Skype the other day, but I am delighted none-the-less. I got the Sunshine Hello Kitty, with the Harajuku hoodie. <3 and="" because="" br="" crazy="" dark="" i="" in="" it="" lemonade="" m="" magical="" my="" no="" pajamas.="" pictures="" pink="" raspberry="" s="" she="" soft.="" super="" this="" yet="">
I hope everyone else had a nice interesting day. @_@

Graze Box 7

My 7th graze box arrived tail end of last week and I finally actually opened it yesterday evening. I'm still excited about them, but I'm finding myself wanting to pace myself now. I may switch to the every 2 weeks schedule in the near future.

Anyway Box 7. 50/50 sweet and savory.

Chocolate Orange Granola - Trashed. I don't like that waxy crunch texture of nuts generally and the blanched almonds were everything I hate about nuts. So no blanched almonds for me.

Smoky Gazpacho Dip - I was really excited about this one. I love the dippers, and this was a savory one, not too sweet, and just a hint of smoky flavor. Loved it.

Scandinavian Forest - Liked. It was a little too apple/raisin texture heavy for me to love, but the flavor was very nice.

Chili and Lime Pistachios - LOVED. I think this may be my favorite of their seasoned pistachio samplings. <3 1="" amazing.="" and="" before="" box="" br="" had="" i="" in="" it="" s="" still="">

Hmmn.

So, I saw a Psychologist today Dr W, who listened and asked questions and then very kindly and politely explained why I was diagosed bi polar in my teens, why it was and is a correct diagnosis, and how my symptoms differ from some of the other conditions I thought it might be.

I'm still really upset by the diagnosis. Bi polar disorder is a terrifying mental disease, there is no cure, no guarenteed treatment. I was hoping it was a mistake and that I'm just exceptionally neurotic.

I have a followup with a Psychiatrist Dr T, to discuss treatment options, for May 7th. It was stressed that I MUST take my meds, and that it is important to discuss changes rather than just deciding they don't work and discontinuing treatment. Fair enough since that's totally what I did in my teens..

I'm scared, angry, worried, and maybe a bit hopeful.

This is why I've been quiet.

I've been kind of quiet lately, because I have been kind of mute. I go through periods of "normal" socialization, and then helpless mute observance. I lose the ability to respond coherently, to comment, to write, and so I just don't.

I've been there for about a month now. I'm currently seeking treatment.

When I was in my mid-teens (somewhere between 13-16) I was diagnosed with manic depression or bi-polar disorder. I don't know which classification it was, or even if they had much distinction at the time. I took the medicines that I was prescribed, and my moods worsened, my depression turned suicidal, and I went off my meds. I decided they were wrong, because the medicine that should have helped, seemed to make things worse.

Based on what I can find from different sources online, this is actually very common for people who are misdiagnosed as bi-polar. The problem is, that there is actually something very wrong with me. I may not be bi-polar, but I'm not quite right.

I mean, I get by, and with my friends and a good support group, I am able to be productive and positive and a useful member of society for sometimes months at a time. Then I will slip, no matter what is going on, no visible trigger, and I will be moody, depressed, suicidal, and there is NO DAMNED REASON.

One symptom that I didn't reveal in my teens, was hallucinations. When at the lowest, I suffer(ed) from auditory and visial hallucinations. Not all the time, just at the lowest point when the suicidal thoughts are there, all day long, all night long, trying to wear me down into doing something stupid and permanent and self destructive.

For years this has been a "normal" cycle, every few months going up and down like a yo-yo. Sometimes I bounce back quickly, sometimes I'm scrambling from the bottom of a pit, cutting my hands trying to climb out of the darkness.

I can't identify a trigger for this downward cycle which is when I realized this has been going on my entire life. I've probably realized this before, my memory is crap, and when I'm stressed I forget. I just forget, or block it, or whatever. I can't remember most of my childhood or teenage years. I can barely remember my early twenties.

So about three weeks ago I started looking for a psychiatrist. I called aroung to a few places and finally got in to where Ringo goes for his stuff. I'd been there before, with Osaka and Ringo, just in the waiting room, and the staff had been friendly, the doctors seemed competent.

Only when I arrived for my appointment (after a 1 hour 45 minute walk, because I am slow and out of shape) I was informed that my appointment had been cancelled, like, as I was walking to the clinic. I was assured they would squeeze me in though, and so I took a seat and was called back shortly.

The woman who I saw was a Psychiatrist, and I was uneasy. The office was in chaos, several people were "out sick" and I was incredibly nervous despite having taken one of my anxiety meds. She was initially polite, but got kind of annoyed when I asked if Osaka could join me.

She asked some background questions and after interrupting me a few times, I snapped a bit and launched into a "Please don't try to finish my sentences, that is NOT what I was trying to say" mini rant. She got really rude. I recognize that snapping on her was not polite, but I was uneasy, I'd mentioned my anxiety, and why I was quite so upset and she took on that super arrogant Psychiatrist mode that pisses me off.

I have NEVER seen a Psychiatrist that didn't piss me off mind, but I do try to keep an open mind. I'm not the same person I was at 7, or 12, or 15, etc. They all seem so damned cocky though, and they don't listen.

She was really aggressive about trying to put me on a new anxiety medicine before doing the diagnostic assessment I asked for, and when I told her that I didn't want to change any medicines until I had a better idea of my diagnoses she told me in a really snotty tone that her clinic refused to endorse drug abuse or addiction and implied that if I took my as needed anxiety medicine daily, I was some kind of junky.

When I left, I was more angry and upset than I had already been, and at that point I was at the very very bottom. I left with appointments for two Psychologists at the clinic, and when they called to cancel one of the appointments day of, I just cancelled the other as well.

As it turns out, the doctors were not out sick. Several of them were fired for refusing to sign new contracts drawn up by the new leads, if Ringo's Therapist is to believed. Given the confusion and chaos that I saw, I am inclined to believe.

I ended up seeing my regular doctor instead since I was leaving work anyway (initially for the other two doctors) and left with a script for Xanax to replace the Clonazepam/Klonopin which is no longer effective for me. I can take the Xanax only twice daily but it works immediately, and there is less risk of dependance or building up an immunity. So far I haven't taken it more than once a day.

The Xanax works differently despite being chemically very similar to what I was taking. I can tell when it kicks in because it works as a filter. That filter I have NEVER had? The one that tells you "DON'T SAY THAT!" Yeah, that one. Xanax makes one. I am still angry/hurt/anxious for a bit, but it kind of slows down my emotional reaction time, and requires a huge amount of concentration to have an outwardly visible emotional response. That's kind of exactly what I need right now. It feels similar to how Zoloft used to feel but it wears off and I don't feel like a zombie just coasting along on a cloud of "I don't care, that's fine, whatever."

I will never EVER go back onto an anti-depressant, or any take daily mood modifier unless it is absolutely necessary to live and function. If I come out of this (my doctor did give me a list of other clinics to try) with a diagnosis that requires that, I will make damned sure that my Psychologist knows that I will try every other method of dealing before I do that.

So the TL;DR is that I've recently realized I'm pretty crazy, and I'm currently trying to sort that out.

Thanks for sticking with me, have some doll pics:

Graze Boxes 4, 5, and 6

So... my last three weeks worth of graze boxes all arrived this week. @_@ I'd reported box 4 as lost in the mail since it was 3 weeks overdue. That one came today.

So anyway box 4 was 50/50 sweet and savory.

Honeycomb crunch - Liked. The crunch was more than I expected despite the name. Tasty but maybe a little bit too sweet for something I want on the regular. 

My Thai - LOVED this. I'm noticing that I really love the relishes and dippers, and this was no exception, sweet and mildly spicy. Not hot at all.

Summer Berry Compote - Loved. The little biscuit/cookies tasted a little stale but this was the box that was overdue, so I'm chalking it up to that. The jam was fantastic.

Black Pepper Pistachios - I am never going to not like pistachios. I think this has been my favorite so far. That little bite of the pepper is fantastic!


Box 5, I ate earlier this week. It arrived Monday I think. This box was mostly sweet.

Hot Cross Yum - This was amazing. It tasted almost exactly like a hot cross bun, from what I can recall. A fantastic ratio of spice to fruit and nut. I loved it.

Fruit and Seed Flapjack - I actually really loved this. The soft chewy bar is much better with the crunch of the seeds and the sweet of the fruit.

Herby Bread Basket - Loved this all the way, very flavorful, like a really tasty snack mix.

Marvelous Macaroon - LOVED this. I've found these mixes taste much better together than as separate parts, so I take a small pinch and taste, and I ate this so fast I barely tasted it.


This week's box, arrived today! This is faster than usual. This box was mostly sweet.

Florentine - This was my first repeat. I had this in my very first box, and loved it. It's still very tasty!

Boston Baguettes - I was pretty disappointed with this. The BBQ relish tastes more like vaguely spiced ketchup, so it was too sweet and too tomato flavored for me to enjoy as much. I was hoping for something a bit more savory like the Carolina style BBQ sauce which is vinegar based. I've actually trashed this one because while I don't HATE it, there are other foods I would much rather receive.

Tropical Daiquiri - Really like this. It's very tart, and sweet but not TOO sweet. I think it's the lime raisins that pull this together. Surprising cause I tend not to like raisins but I've liked them so far with the Graze mixes.

Mississippi BBQ Pistachios - Initial reaction, the seasoning is very mild. There is definitely a good flavor, but not as bold as I expected. REALLY like this. The flavor gets subtly layered with each successive nut.


Over all I have liked or loved the majority of the foods sent in my Graze boxes. :]

Graze Box 3

Another graze box review. This box arrived very quickly in comparison to the last one. I think I can expect them about every weekend, which makes for pleasant snacking on Sundays. :]

This box was a good mix of sweet and savory

Apple and Cinnamon flapjack - I ate this while in mid-migraine when I first woke up, at a height of nausea, and found it incredibly soothing. I liked it better than the one I had before with the cranberries.

Bonnie Wee Oatbakes - Loved, a good mix of sweet and savory. The oatcakes were drier than expected with a nice little crunch, perfect with the sweet caramelized onion marmalade. I would love to have this again.

Garden of England - Loved. I was really excited about this mix. I liked the dried apple much better in this, than with the toffee. The dried fruit is soft, tender and juicy, perfect for snacking. I think the baby strawberries are the best part of this mix.

Pear Tatin - LOVED. The creamy yoghurt covered seeds are a pleasant touch with the crunch of almond, and the soft sweet fruits. A beautiful blend, much better with all parts than sampling by piece. I think the seeds are my favorite part, thought I've been craving almonds just about daily for awhile.

I pretty much loved this entire box. I think I probably wouldn't have liked the flapjacks as well if they hadn't been so soothing on my upset stomach, but I DID enjoy them and that's worth something.

Lune has a name! And other doll ramblings.

My Souldoll Lune has settled into a name. I knew it was an A name but I was getting conflicting feelings. I tested Avery and it felt right, but what I actually settled on was Adam Everett Avery. I don't know why but I've mulled it over for several days now and that seems like the best and most appropriate choice. :] I may flip-flop between calling him Adam and Avery.

Now I just need to find some shoes that fit him. I ordered a pair of blue tennis shoes from Mint on Card, and while I can squeeze his feet into them, they're not a great fit. The shoes are warped after one wear. I may try the black Ajumapama tennies I have, that Rowan has claimed. I can get more black tennies for him, but those Souldoll BOATS are bigger than SD13 feet, longer, thicker, wider in the heel, and the toe.

If you know of anywhere that makes good solid tennis shoes about 9cm in length please let me know. His feet are super-cramped in an 8.5cm shoe. I'm willing to spend a more for good quality shoes. The cheapy tennies were more out of convenience than frugality.

I'm still not sure what kind of clothing to make for him. Sometimes it takes me a long time to figure out what clothes suit the character, and I'm still feeling him out. I just don't want him stuck in pajamas forever. I think I will make or purchase some shorts for him, and make a tank top to show off those muscles. Maybe I can find one of the Iplehouse ones on the Den of Angels marketplace.. He's built like an SID. His feet are about the same size, going on the measurements listed at Iplehouse.

Also need to find a wig that fits. I love the color and style of the red wig he's wearing but it's just too big, he keeps throwing it off any time I adjust his position.

Luckily Amelia (Manabu girl) has been far less fussy. I had some stuff on hand she looks lovely in, and I ordered her a cute pair of shoes from Mint on Card with Avery's shoes, and eyes for Innes and Robbie. It was a small but necessary order.

Robbie looks fantastic with these eyes. It's too late and dark for pictures today but I will try to give Robbie some love tomorrow with the camera. :] He looks more like me with these much lighter eyes, than he did with the green-hazels which are truer to my actual color.

I'm not sure about Finn. I mean I like him, and he's not going anywhere but I'm not sure he's going to stay Finn. His faceup (which is beautiful) is all wrong for the character, and the weather is too finicky for re-faceupping at the moment. The high was in the low 50's Sunday, wet, cool, and up to almost 70 Monday by 4pm. Ugh. I'll sort him out after I've got Avery, and Amelia clothed.

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter. :]

Does anyone else remember when I only had three?

So, I did get all of my dolls together for a group shot.. as I was losing daylight. e_e;; So it's kind of a blurry sloppy mess.

I will share anyway! I'm hoping to try again tomorrow while there is plenty of daylight. If I'm feeling adventurous I may attempt to get ALL the BJDs in the house together: mine, Osaka's, and Ringo's. :]

That may be challenging from posing logistics, and also because all of Ringo's confiscated toys are in the livingroom, which is the only place there's room to spread and pose the dolls. e_e

Anyhow here we are:













Because I was in a hurry to get the last of the daylight, they're not posed as particularly as I might like. There are dolls who should be next to each other, some who should never be next to others, and some who have specific seating needs based on poseability.

Oh but this is actually EVERYBODY I own, not counting like.. parts. Innes isn't in there cause he's just an unpainted faceplate at the moment. I'm hoping to remedy that soon. Ro needs a new faceup too..

23 full dolls, 3 SDs, 7 MSD, 13 Tinies. I am counting Little Juniors and Narsha as Tinies per DOA standards, even though I consider them minis.