Wednesday, July 27, 2016
I'm currently trying to find local doctors, schedule appointments, and get ready for school all at once and it's kind of a lot to do at one time. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I've contacted a local group that works with the LGBT community but I think my initial message was confused, as the response I got was about putting me on a wait list to be seen for hormone replacement therapy, which is about seven years too late. I'm just trying to find a new primary care physician before my prescriptions run out. I'm running into walls. I am so very very tired as a result and my body is not letting me sleep properly.
Today I fell asleep at Mom's office, in a chair down in the foyer. Tuesday is knit night, and I ride with Mom to her work place and hang out in the foyer until we pick up Faythe in Arlington after work and head over to knit night. Today I had a migraine, and my body decided I needed sleep, so I fell asleep in public which is actually a huge phobia of mine. I'm terrified that someone will either hurt me or rob me.
And now it's about 4am and I am wrung out. I want to sleep but I don't know if I can or for how long.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Since we got a second dresser from a family in Mom's church, I've been able to slow down slightly. The dolls are unpacked, the bookcase is full, my TV and gaming systems are set aside, ready to be hooked up and used. I have a folding table for crafting/sewing, and am kind of in limbo waiting on a few different things to get MORE done.
I got some new command adhesive strips so I can hang some art. I will need a few more clips, and to move all the dolls so I can put up two shelves. One is a sturdy wooden shelf, and one is a long narrow piece of glass (tempered I think) that needs a light dusting but would make a nice narrow knickknack shelf. I haven't figured out yet how I'm going to put that one up.
I'm also waiting on a small package from Osaka which will contain the power cord for my TV, and the bed risers that she doesn't need anymore (same type as what I got) which will fix a couple things. I'm planning to connect the bed risers with carriage bolts to each other, and one at the top that will screw directly into the narrow bottom of the metal bed frame. This will essentially give the metal frame solid STURDY wooden legs, reinforced with carriage bolts down through them. I'm planning on doing it up like this:
Functionally this also gives me ample storage under the bed for some of the bins and boxes that I have and need to be able to access but also store away at regular intervals.
Ideally I want to get art on the walls, but I want to get the doll shelves up first, and that means I need to figure out a safe way to put up the narrow glass shelf. It's maybe 4 inches deep, and I haven't measured length. I'm not sure I can find shelf stands the right size anywhere. I want something fairly discreet. I could do wood, with a little ledge grooved down carefully to hold the shelf or something if I painted it. I'll see what I can find.
Once the shelves are up I can see how much space I have left to work with on the doll wall, and go from there.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Mom helped me move the last of the food storage into the dining room (possibly temporarily, possibly longer term, and I got managed to carefully fix some of the minor damage (known) to the dresser, so that it was safe to load up with clothes. I have the big dresser full (emptied two space bags) and the small dresser also full. Most of what is in the small dresser is linens for right now. I will be shifting the quilts and blankets to sit on top and open at least one of the other space bags and try to distribute the contents within.
Big dresser is stuffed to bursting. I ALSO cleared off a table on casters that we had in the kitchen (we'd been using it as prep area), and with Mom's permission took that for my media table. It's the perfect size to snug into the pocket behind the bookshelf and in front of the food storage. TV fits nicely, there's room for the DVD/VHS combo on one shelf, set on a wire rack so I can put either the xbox360 or ps3 below that, and the other will go on the bottom (with the gamecube etc).
I also turned the folding table the dolls have been on, and cleared that to use as a desk and sewing table as originally intended.
We did a run to Walmart and picked up some blackout curtains which I had to hand just a bit below the top of the window because there is a shelf there, but I think I have a solution for that. I will need to sleep on it. I'm pondering hanging something kind of like a valance but not, below the shelf above the window. I have fabric on hand, and can probably whip up something that will fill the gap and not look terribly out of place. I have the original tension rod from the other curtains that had been up, so I can make just a little short, gap fixer thing.
Final thing I did today was unpack ALL the dolls except Epona. I can't find my Kaiju but I think he may have ended up in my resin bits box, so I'll check that later. Failing that I will pull back down all the doll boxes and check those. @_@ I don't even know. I put the doll boxes up out of reach (unless you're on a step-stool) in the studio.
I have tentative plans this week and beyond to help Mom get that room whipped back into shape so that it is usable for crafting, quilting, etc. I'm actually quite looking forward to that.
And now I am going to bed, because it is 1am, and it's cooled down enough that I can theoretically sleep.
News flash, Texas summer is HOT.
Monday, June 27, 2016
I took a ton of photos but these are some of my favorites. Some are slightly blurry, my hands were shaking a bunch by evening but I had a ton of fun. :)
The Ayumu and Bory boys belong to Onna, I believe they were in order, Finn, Vejii, and Bey. The Unoa girl, Soony, Woosoo and Iplehouse Panther, belong to Ashbet. The Loongsoul Beck (Twinkle), Souldoll Asiter (Craig), and Volks Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki (Ichigo) belong to me.
Tiny White Cat wanted to be a part of the fun.
One of the things that stuck out, over and again, was the inability to make decisions. I can not begin to express that panic I feel when I am asked to choose something if I was not prepared to know a choice needed to be made. I even do it when eating out, reading the menu and mentally preparing myself for The Choice. It's not about the food, the price, the company. It's The Choice.
There was a moment in my youth I can only barely remember that was echoed recently as someone said in an authoritative tone, "You need to make a choice" with a pause, and an expectant face, that was losing patience.
I CAN NOT DO THAT. I tend to have panic attacks when UNEXPECTED CHOICE presents itself. And I don't mean I get a little nervous, I mean full blown tachycardia, WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING, NO NO NO.
It's not that I don't know what I want even, because when I know there is a choice I can prepare myself for it to an extent. It's the surprise choices, where I can't just go, I'll do what (that guy) did. I'll have what he's having. Whatever you like, I don't mind, honest.
I am only just realizing that I do this all day every day when put into any situation where cultural expectation requires choices. In a restaurant, I ask what others are getting, and will frequently get what someone else is getting. If it's a familiar setting, I will order the exact same item every single time, so that I do not have to make THE CHOICE. The safe (I know I can eat this) choice. Or I ask a friend what they like there. Let them pick.
Even when it came to going back to school I had so much anxiety picking out my classes. I was so thankful there was a guidebook telling me which classes I needed for my degree, and roughly in which order to take them. My work schedule made it easier to go, "I can only have classes that are during these days and roughly between these times." I also could make these choices quietly at home or in the library, instead of having a panic attack trying to pick my classes like I did for first semester.
So, when someone tells me, in any tone, any setting "You have to choose" I freeze. I can't choose, please don't make me choose. I can not even handle the responsibility of choosing. PLEASE NO. I will choose neither. I can't choose.
I have no idea whether this really has anything to do with how I was raised or if it plays into my mental health stuff, but realizing it is terrifying. How can I be a functional adult if I can't make choices?
There is no training that I am aware of, that I can take to help me learn how to choose. That it is okay to choose. That no one is going to be angry at me if I choose wrong. That there is not truly a WRONG choice.
I am such a headcase.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
I have checked in with the Bi-polar support group on Ravelry, and with Osaka, and asked her how SHE communicates with me when I get too far gone, so I can pass that on to Mom and others as necessary, but I am seeing a pillow fort and lots of books or quiet gaming in my near future since there is only so much that I can do, having unpacked and organized all that I brought with me. I may rearrange the furniture in MY room a few times.
Mom may have found a dresser for me, free from a friend, and between that and the little one here (which I may strip and refinish, put that energy to good work) I should have enough storage for my clothes. I still need a desk, and a smallish table (to put the dolls and their stuff on), and that's about all I can fit in here I think.
I should have known that I was coming into mania because I've had all these creative ideas and SO MUCH DRIVE, that no one can keep up with my thoughts or actions. Ugh. There's creative, and then there's CRAZY, (and also crazy creative), and finding the balance is hard.
I may post a TON online for awhile to save Mom and others from my crazy, or I may withdraw into video games for awhile. I don't know. Whatever is going to upset others the least, and keep me safe.
Friday, June 24, 2016
Basically Robbie lets the babies play until they fall asleep, and Owen puts away the toys on his own (because he likes to, not because he is asked to), then finds a quiet place to sit and be alone. Robbie doesn't have any little hidy holes in his house so the little rocker in the corner has to do.
Owen tends to prefer solo play or side by side, rather than interactive, and he doesn't generally PLAY HARD OR GO HOME like Simon does. Christopher can play quietly but will do interactive play, and tends to get played out after a short while because his other playmates (Lorelei, who belongs to Osaka, and Sarabelle who belongs to me) are lower key. I'm not sure that he has ever tried interactive play with Owen because Owen tends to go and try to find a place to hide until his brother falls asleep or is completely occupied.
We arrived a day earlier than Mom had planned for, which is good because it took that day, and the day she had hoped to rest, to get the floor finished and the bed assembled. Then I spent the night ninja-ing boxes into my new bedroom as quietly as possible so that when she woke there would be less visible evidence of a new occupant, as it is all contained now.
The next couple of weeks will be carefully sorting through what had been stored in what is now my room, but much of that really needs to be looked through by Mom so that I don't accidentally get rid of important things or treasured memories. It's fine to donate things not needed anymore but I need to make sure I'm not setting aside weddings gifts for donation, that sort of thing.
These are my current progress photos.
This is not my final form, not even close. That dresser is going to move into the closet, and I will hopefully be getting a hold of a larger dresser or wardrobe, a desk, and a side table. I am used to being wedged back behind furniture so that will not be a stressor for me. We also plan to put the bed on another stack of risers, and I would like to see about actually gluing or otherwise fusing the stacks for solidity and safety so my bed doesn't fall over in the night. End goal there is to be able to slip my sterilite containers under the bed, with room to store my yarn and some other bits and bobs as well. The doll boxes, once emptied, will probably be stored in the Garage. Most of the dolls are still IN their boxes for their safety.
The saloon style window coverings will be removed in favor of blackout/UV filtering curtains that are blue or green on my side. The ones I had, were accidentally melted in Virginia Beach because fatigue. We had washed them and threw them in the dryer and they melted. Oops! No harm no foul.
Later today I have almost no visible goals. I woke up to a dislocated arm that resisted relocation back into socket so I am short on spoons. I will be attempting to change out light bulbs for Mom in the kitchen and my bathroom, after I have eaten and the ibuprofen lowers the swelling on my left side. That arm is hanging kind of uselessly but IS back in socket. The nerve pain reached a level that my brain has set aside any sensation from there, so I have this weird dead weight thing going, with a background throbbing and awareness that there is pain but I don't FEEL it per se.
All those cans are food storage, at LEAST a years supply of dried goods for 2 1/2-ish people. There is more that is currently sitting in the living room, but there is no more room at the inn Mary. Some of the older stuff, Mom has given to a friend with animals. Still technically good for human consumption, so definitely won't harm the chickens (or goats, etc), but again, no room at the inn, so we picked a date, and anything older than that was loaded into the Tardis(Mom's truck) and Mom dropped that off with the friend after work last night.
I have been heat sick every day that I've been in Texas, and a couple of days on the road. Summer is not an ideal time to move to Texas. The house thermostat batteries died while Mom was with me, and Faythe didn't know what to check for, so she soldiered through as the temp rose into the 80's and 90's indoors and just kept working. She sprained her ankle at some point before we arrived which slowed down (but did not stop) her re-flooring of the bedroom. I lent her one of my ankle braces to hopefully expedite healing.
I have internet, my laptop, my dolls, and my clothes. Much of my things were left safely with Osaka, who Mom and I will go back out to see, in the spring, and retrieve the last of what would not fit into the truck. I think Osaka also plans to mail some of the smaller boxes or break down some of the larger boxes as she can, and that will also help. :) I have downloaded a WiFi-based free texting app, so if you need my number email me or hit me up on facebook. This is probably a temp number, but it's better than none at all.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
While Mom was taking the scenic route back to Texas with me, the batteries in her thermostat fried so we came home to the house in either high 80's or low 90's Fahrenheit. I can't recall exact temp, but after trying to cool down I determined that I was melting. It finally cooled enough for sleep about 5am. I need a temp of roughly 69F for optimal comfort. Dipping into the lower 60's puts Mom (and me) at risk for bronchitis and pneumonia respectively. Anything higher than 75F makes me heat sick very quickly.
I was delirious with migraine and heat sickness both today. I've drank and sweat gallons of water, no exaggerations. I can clearly remember waking up, and going to Home Depot, then Lowe's for more metal shelving and fan pulls. Then I was sick.
I don't remember much clearly until a loud sound woke me. Head pounding, sweating, pale and red in the face. It turned out to be Mom and Faythe team working on the shelving unit. I ate something, I think a ham sandwich, and did my migraine food thing (something salty, something sweet, little bit of caffeine, generally in Mountain Dew form), with plenty of water.
I recovered enough to help out in the bedroom. The flooring has been all Faythe so far and is a bit over half done, which us especially impressive without functional air conditioning and a sprained (?) ankle. We got the food storage shelves nearly full, got loopy from fatigue, and ended for the night. I believe priority tomorrow is to finish the floor, cram more food on the shelves (dry goods), and find the bed frame in the garage and assemble it.
Bonus points if we can find a home for the legitimately EXTRA dried goods to get them out and to anyone that could use them.
I took some photos of what the room looks like in progress.
That's pretty much what we have right now. Dolls are in boxes, and suitcases are in the closet but we need to finish consolidation of those boxes (that's all food, not my stuff), and get the floor finished so we can put the bed together and move my stuff in from the living and dining rooms. :)
Monday, June 20, 2016
I had an intense day. First went with Mom to the nearest branch of her church to the hotel we stayed at last night. I didn't realize it was Father's day. I had an anxiety attack.
I have these feelings of conflict regarding my father, still living, my stepfather now deceased and my potential role as a parent.
I felt intensely this morning, the loss of the children I nearly had. While married, we miscarried three times, and each potential child already had a name. I used to see them in my dreams as a child and up until I married.
I have been around others' children, and would theoretically like to be a parent, but I feel my health could prevent me from being a truly good parent.
I cried all morning and gave myself a migraine. I took my medicine and was notably quiet. I mourn the loss of what might have been.
- I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.
I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.
I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.
Currently I am living in Coastal Virginia in the USA and working towards a degree in American Sign Language at Tidewater Community College.