First Christmas in Texas in over a decade?

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas, for those who celebrate it, and a nice break in general for everyone.

Mine was blessedly drama-free. I was a little nervous after Thanksgiving ending in tears but Christmas was fine. The only hangup was when Mom and I attempted to make scratch queso-dip and botched it. Christmas dinner was TexMex, and we ended up bringing ginger cookies since the queso was a fail.

Mom and I stayed up Christmas Eve and opened our gifts just after midnight. Logan gave me some cute/fun pokemon themed gifts, and Mom gave me chocolate and a cute gnome she made.

I just realized this afternoon that this is the first Christmas since I received my first Lego set when I was 10, that I have not gotten Legos for Christmas at all. I wasn't expecting gifts at all, but in retrospect it's a weird place of disappointment. I don't feel like I should be upset, because I wasn't expecting anything, but it also doesn't feel like Christmas (or birthday) without Legos. I might have to poke around and see if I can find an inexpensive set that I like. This quiet down-time is usually spent building or playing with my new Lego set or sets so I feel kind of at odds.

I couldn't sleep Christmas Eve (stress?) so as soon as we got home from Fort Worth I took my evening meds and went straight to bed. I slept I think 12 hours and spent a little time reading a webcomic Faythe was telling me about, and then decided to check in online.

Anyway, Mom's cooking up dinner and I feel like being companionable, so I'm gonna go see what help I can be.

I hope that everyone had a pleasant and drama-free day of it.

I slept a few hours and dreamt of Gods and Dragons.

I wasn't able to get any sleep before my doctor's appointment but it went okay. I calmed down enough (reading over at Archive of Our Own) that I was able to mostly articulate clearly from what Mom said. I have little memory of it. The appointment was 8am.

We discussed my head trauma (I seem to be fine at this point), my persistent and aggressive migraines, my Reynauds-like symptoms, and potential treatment for all of the above.

Dr M has tentatively doubled my dose of imitrex. Our thoughts are take a full dose at onset, take a half-dose if I need more. This would not only stretch out my medication, but it should hopefully kill this month long migraine. It has a better chance of it than what I'm doing now which is taking the bare minimum of medication every 3 days or so to take the edge off. I had to make my meds stretch, so basically I couldn't properly dose, or I'd be out in less than a week.

I also know in theory what needs to be done at school. I will have to go up to campus very soon and plug through talking to financial aid, reassessing with an advisor, tweaking schedule, and talking with financial aid again to confirm that it will work. This is a huge headache even without the stupid migraine. It's necessary though, so it will be done.

I'm doing to be flipping exhausted by the start of school in January if I'm scrambling like this the whole stupid time.

Anxiety attack at 2am.

I have an early doctor's appointment (regular check-up) and went to bed at a reasonable time so of COURSE I can't sleep. I think this happened last month before my visit too.

I'm a bit aggravated by this. I've been trying all my usual "time to sleep" tricks, turning off the lights, getting comfortable, familiarizing myself with the night noises, but my brain is on hyper alert. I've had a migraine pretty much non-stop minus a few hours here and there for I think a month.

What is keeping me from sleeping right now? I keep settling into bare consciousness and hearing a plastic bag rustling. The plastic liner in my little trash can is not touching the fan blowing at low speed. There are no stray plastic bags in the hall, and Mom's light is OFF which tells me she is not playing with plastic bags at 2am.

Best guess as to actual noise? Audio feedback. I've been having issues translating speech today, noise only. I've been able to read and respond to text, but spoken word has been that strange noise I can't quite decipher. My brain feels like it's got an electrical fire going and is stuck in a bucket of mud simultaneously. The mud slows down processing but does nothing to alleviate the lightning storm in my mind.

I could scream. I just wanted to get a couple hours of sleep so I don't look as crappy as I feel when I see the doctor. I don't like going to see a doctor when I look as crappy as I feel. It's depressing, and it tends to throw off my sense of self. I have a hard time feeling like anyone should take me seriously when I feel and look like hell.

I'm beginning to feel frantic about school. When I got my classes signed up, there was an issue with FAFSA. The government website says I'm fine, so I need to go back to the school and try to figure out if it's a matter of trying to take too many credit hours or what.

I was told that not attending in Fall should not affect my eligibility for Spring semester and I'm going to be really angry and upset if I find that my transcripts getting lost in the mail the first time, shot me in the foot for attending this particular school. I'm running out of time to get it sorted. I need to tweak the schedule I set up even if FAFSA is fine, because the class times are not what I thought I was signing up for. I can do the course load but not the weird hour set up that I have going right now.

This seemed so much easier at TCC (Virginia). I went in, I signed up for courses, I could get to the school on my own (via bus OR walking), and all the offices I needed were easy to find. The staff seemed friendlier too. I just REALLY need this. I need to not feel like a complete screw-up. I need this to work out. I don't think I have time to try and get into a backup school, and I wouldn't know where to look right now honestly. I don't want to be left twisting in the wind, and if I can't get this sorted for Spring semester, I can't attend this school at all, ever. They will put a permanent irreversible block on my record for something in the vein of failure to get myself together.

I want to scream, cry, sleep for a month. I want this damned migraine to end. I want Christmas to be over. I can't handle all of this.

I accidentally gave myself a concussion today.

I had migraine going, and ducked my head into the fridge to grab something (I think a soda, needed caffeine), and cracked my head audibly on the freezer door when I stood up, thinking I was clear. I stood there a second just internally screaming in pain and then felt violently sick.

I ended up sitting down but upright and my sister Faythe who has been over for the weekend fetched me an icepack, my nausea meds, and some ibuprofen to get the knot that was forming to hopefully settle down.

Seeing stars when you already have a migraine sucks. Not being able to go to sleep while having a migraine also sucks. I’m waiting for my pupils to return to normal and my symptoms to lessen before I even consider sleep. Right now I’ve got the ice pack again and am poking at the internet and gaming stuff in low light but with my contacts in so I remember that I can’t go to sleep yet.

Also, I did get my school schedule sorted out I think. The times are a little weird but coordinating my schedule was challenging since as a transfer student I can't set it up myself the first time.

Also apparently I need to re-apply for FAFSA because I wasn't able to attend the school this Fall, so it zeroed out or something. In theory it's an easy fix. I WILL get it sorted, and I WILL be attending school this Spring damnit.

So, I guess I will go fight with the FAFSA website now, and go ahead and set up my 2017-2018 FAFSA as well while I'm at it.

School prep.

It's a bit startling when I scroll through my Facebook feed after updating or changing my profile picture and my initial response is "who the hell is that?!".

I'm in that place where I don't recognize myself in photos very well but the mirror isn't throwing me off much.

If I recall correctly I experienced this to a similar degree, roughly three months ago also.

Tomorrow I get to go up to the school and sort out Spring semester, student ID, and some other sundry details. I will also theoretically get to spend some time with Logan, which will be nice.

I'm aiming for a 12 credit hour Spring semester, preferably 2 or 3 days per week so I have time between classes to work on my assignments.

It's supposed to be about 26F tomorrow morning when I'm planning to head out so I dug out a hat, gloves, and some thermals.

Migraines, Pokemon, and Holiday Depression.

My sleep has been more erratic than is usual for me. When I'm sleeping it's been fitful, and in short bursts of 3-5 hours versus my more common approximately 8 hours. Last night I went to bed about 1:30am (that's the last time I looked at my phone for the time), give or take 15-20 minutes to actually get comfortable and fall asleep, and I switched from dreaming to fumbling lucid dreaming somewhere about 4:30. I was aware of physical discomfort, aches in joints, even while still dreaming, and also a pressure that I recognize as a need to pee. As the dream went from vivid but almost pleasant to robotic and crumbling in realism, even the dream variety which is more surrealism I was frustrated to find myself very much Awake, but without the adrenaline rush of a panic attack. Phone said it was 40F and 5am.

Even in that awake, I still felt fatigue, so I went to the restroom and then curled back up under my blankets trying to find comfort. I gave up about 5:30am. I am light sensitive and sound sensitive. I've still got the migraine I was fighting Thanksgiving day. It's come and gone in intensity but only because I have been medicating and resting as much as allowed. I think the sleep disturbance is exacerbated by the imitrex. The sleep issues are not the same kind of insomnia I've had my whole life, and this has been the first longer more intense migraine in several months I think.

Some of it is hormonal, it's that time for switching to a new vial of testosterone, as the open vial is low and less efficient by month three. Some of it is also the season. I think I've touched on this before (probably every year) but the holidays make me suicidal. I'm not currently feeling that but I can feel all of the stress that comes, and the guilt (not actually associate with anything I've done or not done, thanks brain).

For me it tends to gear up in October and swell around American Thanksgiving in November for a terrifying crash into the abyss right about Christmas.

How I'm coping at the moment is attempting to stay busy. I have the need of an ADD squirrel for constant mental stimulation. I have the depression going which means that instead of sewing an army's worth of clothes, or knitting a million sweaters, I'm gaming on multiple formats at once. Yesterday I woke very early after a couple of hours of sleep, and kept myself occupied by having either a movie or youtube on the TV, my phone playing a game that has an auto mode that can be toggled so there is minimal need for input but lots of visual stimulation, and pokemon leveling and grinding on my 3DS.

I kept thinking it looked rather like an illustration, the dark figure highlighting only by the glow of multiple screens at different angles, the only light reflected off the eyes, emphasized by the dark circles under them. My imagination gets away with me, but I was briefly tempted to try to focus on just one thing and try to draw it. I'm not capable of that right now though. I don't do multitasking in a traditional sense, as I can't focus well on multiple targets, but when the name of the game is ultimate distraction and grinding through anxiety and feelings best left alone, staying that busy doing realistically meaningless tasks helps.

I'm not exactly clear on how long I've had this migraine (at least a week, but I suspect longer), but the intensity of it is such that low light is painful, and having the overhead light on, is simply compensation so that I can stand to view my laptop screen at the dimmest setting. The sound of fabric rubbing on fabric is painful, and the sound of my blood pumping is deafening. I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do aside from what I have been doing.

If I haven't shared before my migraine treatment goes like this. I take Gabapentin as prescribed daily to lessen the frequency and intensity of the migraines. At the onset, or as soon as I recognize the early warning symptoms of the migraine, I take an imitrex, 1 benadryl, and 2 ibuprofen. I will also have a soda on hand (my preferred is Mountain Dew Voltage), and try to eat something salty and something sweet. Then if possible, I remove myself to a dark and quiet place (i.e. my room with the double layered blackout curtains), and apply either an icepack eyemask, or standard sleep mask and lay down until I either fall asleep or the symptoms lesson. Oftentimes both.

When out in public and retreat is not possible, I take the medication, have soda on hand, try to get something salty and something sweet, and gut it out with sunglasses and earplugs. Usually this is enough to make me resemble a functional person until I can safely get home. When it is not I have been known to be snappish as I try to function through the screaming nerve pain that is amplified with the migraine.

~~~

And now for something completely different.

I beat story mode for Pokemon Moon in 41 game hours. I'm working on dex completion now since Bank is not yet compatible. I'm at 100% for the first island. I'm at 90% or above for the other three islands. The few pokemon I have left are things that need to be leveled really high or are only catchable through the SOS system.

Anyone playing Sun or Moon with me? If you have gaps I have been keeping what I've caught or traded so in theory I can breed to help with dex completion. I have all three starters, and most of the Sun exclusive pokemon, as well as the Moon exclusive ones.

If you are playing and we have not already exchanged friends codes feel free to comment and we can add each other. This is me.

Rory
1693-0464-6407

Trainer names for Gen 6 (XY/ORAS) are Rorek, Rokinshi, and Cailin. Gen 7 (Sun/Moon) is Shiro.
I do have all of XY/ORAS, but have been keeping Omega Ruby at early so I can restart it for extra legendaries that I have been setting aside for Ringo. I promised him beginning of 2016 that I would get copies of all the 2016 Legendary releases for him, and would hold onto them until he had a Gen 6 game for me to transfer them to.

I don't have Sun yet but I've sold some games I don't play (tried them, never will) and am hoping to scrape up enough for it either for Christmas or shortly after.

~~~

I hope everyone has a fantastic Holiday season.

Checking in a bit late.

It has dipped into more consistent cooler weather in the last week or two. I'm actually hoping for a severe for Texas winter because I just can not deal with our two seasons (hotter than hell, and maybe cool enough for a hoodie or jacket for a couple of hours).

The temperature overnight was 42F so at the risk of triggering a heat wave I put my flannel yeti sheets on my bed, and layered some blankets. I discovered my comforter is in a box somewhere in Tennessee cushioning fragiles. I do have another duvet bit it needs a cover. I think Mom and I may hit some of the consignment stores and look for one. I don't want to pay full price for what may be temporary protection for the duvet.

Friday I went to Grandparents and Special Friends day at the school of my niece and nephews in Fort Worth. They attend a lovely school and we got to visit their classrooms and see each of them for a bit. It was really nice.

Oldest nephew got to show a fun scientific display, and show us his classroom.

Younger nephew read to us in the library and performed in his immersion Spanish class play of The Three Little Pigs. He was the Fox which they had instead of a wolf.

Youngest niece (on that side of the family, though oldest child in her immediate family) took part in a quiz game with her class and it was fun. Visitors were encouraged to cheer them on which we did.

In a completely different direction I am dreading Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to seeing almost everyone, and I'll prep for migraines and everything I generally prepare for but I'm incredibly anxious about interacting with my father.

I don't talk about him much. Several years ago (late 2008) he had a series of big strokes and nearly died. Scans showed scarring indicative of longer term damage from older smaller strokes which explains the series of personality changes he has gone through as far back as I can remember. The person he is currently physically resembles the man I called father but the line is drawn there.

I'm increasingly anxious knowing that his current personality likes to poke at soft spots and claim ignorance. I broke down in tears and begged my mother last night to please pleased have my back when/if he started in on me about my ex-husband or transition or pronouns.

I'm already suicidal this time of year and I just can't handle interactions with him. I will be expected to at least greet him but I imagine since I've been gone the majority of the last 10 years he will try to corner me to talk and I just can't.

I want to live. Honestly I do. I just can't sit there any listen to him ask me if Ex and I are going to try to work it out (the divorce was final in 2009), and then blatantly ignoring any response and jumping into telling me why I'm wrong about (insert any topic here, literally anything). I also have learned from reliable 3rd party sources that he is misgendering me and "correcting" family members that are using my correct legal name (as opposed to my birth name) and correct legal pronouns (as opposed to assigned at birth pronouns). That is probably the biggest source of anxiety. The poking at the marriage and why we didn't have children (we tried, we couldn't) that hurts enough but poking at the only red angry soft spot I have left is exactly the sort of thing he will do, because he's been doing it to me since well before the strokes, and he's been doing it to my sisters for at least since late 2008. One of them refuses to be alone with him because of how he intentionally gets under her skin, and I do not blame her in the least.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT~!

Friday Logan dropped off my preordered Pokemon Moon while Mom and I were in Fort Worth, in discreet packaging to prevent theft, and I have been playing it almost non-stop since.

I went with Litten to start with, but once Bank is enabled I am planning to bank all my progress and restart unless I have been able to procure a copy of Sun between now and then. Right now I'm about halfway though going on the Z-crystals I have, and where I'm at on Island 3. There's one more proper island, still lots to do on the one I'm on, and a man made island which I expect will be a plot-point. My pokemon are hovering between level 45-53 which is dangerously close to the "not gonna listen" point, so I'm hoping to breeze through the last challenges on this island and unlock my next chunk of levels that will listen to me.

So far I like the way the character customization plays out. You get access to the salon and some clothing pretty early on, and it looks like unlike X and Y, the store inventory stays the same, so I can buy all of one store and not have to go back and check every day for new items there. Right now my character has a short blond hairstyle, brown eyes, and light tan skin, and a green, white, and black outfit.

Serebii doesn't have much information yet so I'm googling because there are a few people who got early release copies or did speed runs to get information out there for us. Serebii has some information but mostly if I have a question I'm googling it. Some of my questions don't have answers yet. Some do, and I've noted them and moved forward.

I initially saved and quit to change my sheets and have a sandwich but now I'm considering sleep. I am running a load of laundry (the sheets that were on my bed, and whatever was in the basket) and have a timer so I know when to get up and go put that in the dryer. My tentative plan is to stay awake long enough to transfer to dryer, ensure the load is dry, sort, and put away the laundry and THEN sleep. That means I would be awake another two hours minimum. I was overheated after I changed my sheets but now I'm back to my normal temperamental swing between comfortable and slightly too warm or too cold.

My only firm plans for this week are MAYBE Knit Night tomorrow, definitely Thanksgiving with family in Fort Worth on Thursday, and Friday here in Garland with Mom and Faythe. Black and Blue Friday is a tradition of working on the house the day after Thanksgiving and avoiding the shopping crowds. I may skip Knit Night this week to save spoons towards Thursday.

Busy busy. Staying busy for sanity.

I don't think I posted anything about how things went this last week.

Monday was good, I spent much of the afternoon with Logan as planned. We had a very pleasant low key afternoon.

Tuesday Mom took me up to Richland College to see about paperwork and potentially see an advisor and select classes for Spring. Turns out my transcripts were lost in the mail so we came home and ordered new copies.

Wednesday I read in the living room so I could hear the UPS truck come. It was a beautiful day so I ended up sitting out on the porch for awhile reading and enjoying the fresh air.

Same for Thursday except for an evening interview with someone who is working on some youth lit and needed some information about realistic expectations and reactions to things I've experienced.

Friday was a Pie Five doll meet, and Faythe came over and has been with us through the weekend and will be visiting Logan with me again today. I also got to spend some time with Ashbet as she opened her new doll and decides on eyes, wig, and outfit for the meetup. :)

Saturday was our quilt club day and we went out to Carrollton and then visited a yarn store on our way back. I was tired and took a nap.

Sunday I accidentally didn't sleep until 2pm and then I slept 8 hours fitfully. After midnight I caught up on laundry.

I tried going to sleep at maybe 4am but couldn't sleep so I got up and had a shower and decided to write a quick entry to check in.

It was a very long week and I have things going on this week too but less than last week. Today with Logan and Faythe. Tomorrow is Knit Night and Faythe goes home after. Wednesday fir recovering, Thursday is a Dr appt, and the weekend is free for now. @_@

I may be forgetting something.

Election Final 2016

I have never been more scared in my life than I am now. America elected a man who stirs up hate, has no qualms about assaulting women, abuses the system, and in general terrifies me. I have no future in this country and lack the means to leave.

Politics

I think I am either Captain Oblivious or a massive masochist.

I hate politics. I hate seeing people I love become nasty every 2 years between local and national politics. I think I have removed more people from Facebook in the last two weeks for seriously not okay over the line politically bent stuff than I ever have in the history of Facebook.

I've always tended to be an early voter so I was a bit thrown forgetting this is election day when I checked FB messages, clicked wrong and had a scrolling screen of vitriol.

I have been very quiet about my political views I think because in general I tend to be the "we don't need to agree, but we do need to be respectful" sort. My unfriending and unfollowing has been reserved for only extremely hateful posts of any political background. There's been enough mud slinging on all sides my friends list keeps shrinking and I'm starting to just be sad and disappointed as I continue to remove bigots and those who sling hate in any direction. I wish I could say it was only people who have different political views but it's not.

I'm ready for this to be done. I need this to be over so I can prepare for the fallout.

My week in a nutshell.

The last week or so has been a blur. I had a migraine that refused to consistently respond to medication. I also had a mystery fever that kept popping up. By Thursday I was physically wrung out, but determined, and I ended up going with Mom to work so I could go to my niece's school play in the evening.

My older sisters both have kids, one of them has two grown daughters, technically stepdaughters but we all consider them family. The other has one daughter, and two sons, and this play was that neice's school. She's almost 12, goes to a very nice private school and I was incredibly impressed with the quality of the performance, and quietly jealous of the quality of costuming and sets.

Were it not for the height of the actors I might have assumed I was at a college play, one with a GREAT budget for acting coaches, costuming, and props. The play was Sleeping Beauty and I kept admiring the sets and costuming, and the acting legitimately impressed me. This could have easily been set from a film (High School Musical) where there are clearly professionals doing costumes, makeup, and sets. Prince Phillip's costume was animated film perfect down to the last detail. His and Aurora's dance in the forest was choreographed and they had clearly actually learned how to dance. These kids are 5th and 6th graders, from what my sister told me. It was so surreal. Really cool but also incredibly surreal.

I've missed out on most of the school activities for my nieces and nephews. I've lived out of state for a decade, and when the eldest was born I was living in South Texas rather than North Texas, so I have missed most of their lives to date.

My family had a big combined July Birthdays party for me, eldest sister, and older nephew, and that was the first time I had seen them in three years. I wore my earplugs the whole time and heard everyone just fine because my family is loud. Mom and I used sign because the only remotely quiet one in the family is actually the sister just older than me (with the sons). She had to speak up a bit to be heard but wasn't at all resentful.

It's a little weird being the "quiet one" in the family after always being the loud one. I've found my confidence in myself but I feel so vulnerable around family, now that I am truly myself and there are no secrets. My anxiety has always spiked around winter holidays and it's no different this year.

I am firmly in "depressed" territory and struggling to get up every day and want to do anything. Tomorrow I get to spend some time with my step-brother Logan which will be awesome.

The past few days I sped through the first 5 Percy Jackson books, and I've read 3 of the five from the Roman sequel series. I've started book 4 of that series but I can't focus on it very well. It's interesting but I've been having difficulty focusing on anything. When I finish the Roman series I will go back and read the Kane chronicles which are apparently based on Egyptian theology and mythology. The Norse series is in progress but Mom has the books that have already come out, and I'm looking forward to reading those too.

It's pretty easy reading but I do find it legitimately interesting, but I've always loved Greece and Roman mythology and so even fictional delving into it is interesting. The author has clearly done some solid research which I always appreciate. I'm looking forward to getting through the Roman series and moving onto the Egyptian, then the Norse.

This week I have kind of a full plate. Tomorrow with my brother, Tuesday I will go up to the school to sort out paperwork, and Wednesday I will sit in the living room reading and waiting for the UPS truck since I have a doll coming (not mine) that I need to be able to listen for. Thursday I think is open, and Friday I have plans with Ashbet to hang out and then go to a meetup in the evening, where Mom and Faythe will join us.

Wish me luck.

Strange Self fulfilling Memory

Sometimes I'm startled when I look into a mirror. If my hormone balance is off my dysphoria is stronger. I was a day late with my shot this week because Halloween threw me off, and I didn't realize it until I felt weird the next day.

Today I glanced into the mirror as I sometimes do and instead of seeing my reflection I saw an echo. I saw my teenaged self, lost, angry, depressed. I saw frustration and pain in those eyes. Instead of my beard and clipped short hair I saw a smooth face, dark rings around the eyes and long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail.

It was like looking through time. When I was about 16, nearly 17, I looked into the mirror and was startled to see an older man, short cropped hair with grey at the temples and a dark short beard touched with gold and red. I stared and the man stared back. Our eyes were the same. This could be me somehow but I knew that was impossible so I turned off the water, dried my hands and walked away from the man in the mirror.

Today was that day. This was the other side of the mirror. I saw the angry teen girl whose eyes looked like mine but her body was younger. Her pale face dotted with freckles, her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail with flyaways at the ears curling and refusing to pull back.

She was so lost. I wonder if she saw that our eyes had that same look of fear and anger and loss. I don't remember noticing that, but I remember seeing him. I assumed it was a hallucination.

Something close to 14 years later the moment is complete. I've always wondered. I wondered who he was. It gave me a quiet secret hope. It also made me more depressed. I had no idea how to become that man but I have always somehow suspected it was me looking back at myself, judging.

Now I know it wasn't judgement. It was sameness, recognition of my younger self. He was every bit as startled to see me as I was him. I don't understand why I got this, whether it was one of those weird things where for me time isn't linear and I just looked through the mirror from both sides by chance. But I do know it was not hallucination.

Photographs

I posted to Facebook about the pictures. This is what I said,

"If I post a photograph of myself please refrain from telling or asking me to smile. I could easily launch into a long emotional rant about this but really I shouldn't need to. Please show respect, and refrain from commenting if your only thought is that I need to smile. This is not directed at any one person. Commentary on this subject is not welcome."

I doubt this will entirely curb the behavior but having said something I will feel no guilt in deleting future comments and referencing that post if asked about it.

If anyone chooses to unfriend me over it, I'll get over it. I don't need that stress.

I was expressing to Mom a summary of what I said in the comments on yesterday's post. She hates having her photo taken and was sympathetic. She tends to have a pained expression in photos unless they are candid shots and she is unaware the camera is on her.

I can remember having to take photos for an art assignment of family members and being frustrated when the film was developed and every picture of Mom she looked pained or even a bit anxious. I asked her about it and apparently Grandpa used to fuss at her to "smile damnit!" which understandably put her on edge. I don't think she has ever really recovered from that pained "oh crap, not this" response to cameras.

As a result of her and others in my life I try to always ask before trying to take photos and make it clear that while I would like a photo, I will not be offended if someone says no.

Happy Halloween, and a small rant.

Happy Halloween to those that celebrate it in one form or another. I'm not dressing up as such. I have one of my favorite light hoodies, layered beneath a favorite t-shirt. The effect is rainbow striped sleeves and a fun D&D joke on my shirt and I've decided if anyone asks me what I am supposed to be I will tell them a gamer. I'm just being myself for Halloween.

When I was younger I never got to excited about Halloween because we could never afford to buy costumes and Mom legitimately didn't have time to make 5 costumes for her kids. I was either a Werewolf or Vampire from age 10 to 14, because one year I got a cape on clearance after Halloween and hung it up in the closet for future Halloweens. I didn't grow much so it fit till I was 15. Plus Dad never fussed about paying a dollar for the really cheap grease paint so I'd get one of those and either go paler with fangs, or just wear fangs. I had a drawer full of plastic fangs from I don't remember what, probably tickets from PuttPutt or something, and I used those every year.

I like dressing up in theory but I would rather keep to myself on Halloween especially since Zombies are a big deal and I am absolutely terrified of them.

Mom and I passed out candy Wednesday night at a Church function and tonight we are planning on leaving the lights off. I have blackout curtains so it's a non issue if I have a low-light lamp on, but the house is going to be mostly dark because we aren't buying more candy and there are very few kids in this neighborhood anyway.

And now for something completely different.

I don't post a ton of photos of myself on facebook, but when I do I constantly get one comment, from different sources. "Smile!" I want to just delete every damn photo I have up when I see that one word comment.

It's really hard to for me to cheese it up for photos. I am much more comfortable with a neutral expression, or a really faint smile. I have been self-conscious about my smile since I was about 8, and people commenting one word "smile" when I post the first photo after I've been feeling like crap, and looking sick in every photo for a year REALLY pisses me off.

Most of the time you are getting the one photo where I don't look like I've been constantly sick for THREE YEARS now. Either enjoy actually seeing me instead of "showercat" or just please don't say anything. I am really sick of being sick, and if I post a photo because for one damned day I don't feel like death, your little "Smile!" comment instantly makes me regret even trying to take my picture and that is INCREDIBLY depressing.

This is not directed at anyone here or on Livejournal but it needs saying and I am so frustrated that I'm trying to find a way to say it more politely on facebook without looking like I'm lashing out at the last person that commented. Cause it's not about the last person. It's that any time I post a photo I'm actually happy with some rando comes along and makes me feel self-conscious and anxious about it. That's a dick move, whether it's intentional or not.

I've had a migraine for a week solid, and had an afternoon Saturday where I had blessed REAL relief for about four hours. I took a picture, this one:



I posted it and if you look I AM smiling. It's a small smile, but it's there. It's not an 8D face like someone just told me I'm going to Lego-land and can have any set I want for free. Neither is it the seeing your best friend for the first time in weeks or months face, but it is a face of "I have been in so much pain for a week straight and at this moment I feel relief and that is so nice."

END RANT.

Happy Halloween! I hope everyone has a really awesome night!

Saturday Funday (As opposed to Sunday Funday)

Today was a mostly quiet and pleasant day. Mom and I went over to visit a friend a town over and talk dolls. I brought home a doll to restring for our friend, and got to see a beautiful Lusion doll in person. She was enormous and stunning, and I didn't dare try to lift her. I'm told she weighs about 7lbs. I took a couple of photos of her, with Ichigo for comparison.





Then Mom and I came home by way of a late lunch and stopping to vote. When I got in I sat down and my left shoulder fell out of socket, which was not ideal. I got it properly seated again, applied biofreeze, since I couldn't get an icepack to sit and wrap around my shoulder properly, and laid down carefully propping my arm up (and carefully balanced in socket) and went to sleep for awhile. I woke about 11:30pm and feeling marginally more human set about stringing the doll I'd brought back with me.

I sent a photo of him standing up and strung, and now he is sitting in a borrowed t-shirt, waiting for me to make him some quick boxer shorts. Shorts are simple and I don't mind sending him home with tidbits. If I have time I may make a simple t-shirt so that he has a basic simple outfit to sit around in until our friend has time to get him into his intended wardrobe.

I also came home with some bronze Soom fantasy parts for keeps. There are the Hati/Skoll paws, a couple of human pairs of hands, and the shield and buckler. I've asked in the local group if 5StarDoll is compatible in terms of resin match and jointing. I don't mind dying a doll to match if I need to, but I don't want to piecemeal something from the DOA marketplace at inflated prices. I only really like a handful of the Soom Teeniegem heads, so I'm looking to hybrid most likely. I don't really have the money to BUY anything right now, but looking is free, and if research tells me that Company A is compatible in jointing and makes a similar color, dying to match is a simpler process than grabbing a head, a body, and maybe some additional parts (ears and tail?) and trying to get them to all come out the same color. I'm thinking little Wolf or Cat boy or girl depending on what I hear back about compatibility.

Aside from the dislocation of my dominant arm at the shoulder (which is safely back in socket now) my day was really nice. It was warm but not dying of heat warm, and I had a really pleasant time getting to visit with Mom and our friend and talk dolls and see some of her collection. :)

I finished a thing!

Back in August(?) I went to BJD-Con in Austin with my brother Logan, his wife, and a mutual good friend. I came back with some lovely tidbits for my dolls, in exchange for future knitting. I made a deal with a lovely vendor to make a sweater in the same style as what Owen was wearing in exchange for some shirts in SD and Yo-SD size.

I finished the knitting portion of the sweater September 18th, and it took me 10 days to knit instead of the usual two or three days. As it turns out I was sick at the time with a to be diagnosed kidney stone. It's taken from then until now for my hands to be steady enough and not swollen to stitch down the ribbon and sew on snaps. I am aghast that it has taken me so long to finish just one tiny sweater but I know it is well made, and I am hoping that makes it a bit easier for the person receiving it. I have written some care instructions in case they are used to different material clothes, and need the info.

I sent an e-mail with photos of the sweater modeled on Owen, and apologizing for the wait. I didn't give excuses, just apologized for the length of time. I know why it took so long, but I don't want the anxiety of worrying about someone believing me about WHY I couldn't do what I wanted to do for them sooner or faster. I did start on the sweater really quickly after I came back from BJD-Con but my erratic health has made knitting, sewing, crafting in general difficult.





~SIDE RANT~ I hate the anxiety I feel when people see me (I generally am assumed to be younger than I am) and tell me that I am either too young to be sick, or that if I did X (whatever X is) that it would cure my chronic nerve pain, migraines, genetic disorders, bi-polar etc. I know I don't look old enough to be sick. I'm pretty damned sure that cancer doesn't play favorites with age groups, and neither do genetic diseases. I thankfully do not have cancer but it would take several long posts to go into detail about every single health thing that I deal with regularly without the oddball things like kidney stones, or dislocating toes/fingers etc. Part of why I keep a beard is that it makes it slightly more believable that I am indeed my age. 33 is still pretty young to be chronically ill, and immune-compromised. I am well aware, and hearing it with a suspicious or surprised tone does nothing to ease my anxiety. Whether I'm "too young" or not, I have what I have, and no there is no cure. I just have to do the best I can. ~END RANT~

So basically I sent pictures and asked for her shipping address with an apology for the wait citing that it took longer to complete than anticipated. If she asks for details I will give them, but I think she would rather just have her doll sweater.

My health is the main reason I do not have an Etsy shop for what it's worth. I can't reliably depend on my health to stay stable enough to make things and ship them out promptly. The things I do make are of excellent quality in my opinion, but too often I am not well enough to make them. My hands are swollen and angry from sitting and carefully stitching the backing ribbon and sewing on the snaps. It's a simple careful thing, and the act of stitching ribbon into the sweater has my hands furious and pain shooting up my fingers into my wrists.

~~~~

Today is now official Friday so this is my checking in with the general internet saying that I am doing okay. I'm physically uncomfortable, but psychologically fairly stable. Not much better than last week, but no worse. I'm hoping to be able to get laundry done today, probably a load of dishes and if I have enough spoons maybe try to cast on another sweater for keeps.

I still need to sew ribbon into, and snaps into the sweater I made about the same time as the one for the client. It's not going anywhere though so it can wait until my hands are not screaming. Knitting a new sweater is somewhat gentler on my hands than stitching the ribbon and snaps into one. I'm not feeling it right now but I might be up for it after I've slept.

I hope that everyone has a really pleasant day. :)

A first for me.

I have had what I think may have been a delayed allergic reaction to cilantro (which I know I have been sensitive to in the past) and am hoping to arrange an allergy test with my doctor.

My sister Faythe has many food allergies and sensitivities and I am concerned about my increased sensitivity to some foods.

I had what I suspect was a delayed anaphylaxis reaction (within 10? hours of eating), with choking/shortness of breath, and swelling of the throat, and tonsils, visible with a light shined at the back of my throat. I took three benadryl spaced apart, choked down water, took two motrin, and my rescue inhalor and the swelling has gone down marginally.

I know that cilantro tends to burn my throat, despite my enjoying spicy foods, and that the taste tends to be off putting but last night into this morning is the first time that I can ever recall having a reaction like this.

We (Mom, Faythe, and I) tried a new to us Mexican restaurant that used a heavy hand with cilantro in their salsa which I ate despite the taste being off-putting (I am one of those people that it tastes like soap to, and generally avoid it as a result) as we were waiting for the rest of our group to arrive. I had about two bowls of cilantro heavy salsa and was unable to eat my meal. I chalked it up to fatigue and boxed it up to take home.

I woke at 4:20am choking on air. We started on the salsa approximately 6:35pm Tuesday/last night and I continued eating it for about an hour and a half as we waited for our friends and food. When I woke I could just barely breathe and assumed the burning in my throat was dehydration. I tried to drink water and choked.

Concerned I got up and took a benadryl, and as an afterthought, two ibuprofen in case it was a non-allergic inflammation. I managed to swallow with some effort. I finished a bottle of water and choked on it. My choking woke Mom, who asked if I was okay. I explained to her about waking up choking and after visually confirming inflamed tonsils with no clear (to me, no lesions, or discoloration other than red) sign of infection, I took a second benadryl with a second bottle of water. When the swelling seemed to stay consistent I took my rescue inhaler, albuterol and a third benadryl in hopes the combination would allow me to breathe more easily.

Suspecting cilantro as the culprit I also drank a small glass of milk which I tend to avoid, thinking that as a base it would sooth my throat and allow for easier swallowing and breathing.

I've never had a reaction like this to food that I can recall and the time line is perplexing. My allergies to cats and dogs triggers a different physical response namely trouble breathing, itchy eyes, and rash when I touch animal fiber. This reaction is consistent with some wools, which I am sensitive to. As a result I tend to carry benadryl on me at all times in addition to ibuprofen for swelling, and imitrex and zophran on hand for migraines.

If it was anaphylaxis, I am aware that I'm meant to go to the ER, but I fear that I am mistaken and don't want to sit for 10+ hours in the ER on less than 4 hours sleep in 48 hours, nor do I wish to drag Mom there only to be told that there is nothing more they can or could do. I don't want to waste anyone's time but neither do I wish to be reckless.

The swelling has abated enough in an hour and a half at roughly 6am that while I'm not comfortable trying to sleep again, I do feel that I can breathe and that given time the swelling will discontinue entirely.

That is as much detail as I can remember clearly, but I did message Faythe and ask how her allergic reactions to foods manifests and if the time line was unrealistic in her experience for it to be an allergic response.

She confirmed that my described reaction was similar to her reaction to cucumbers, which she tends to react to several hours after exposure. We discussed my symptoms back and forth and I am fairly confident the only known irritant was the cilantro which I mentioned as soon as we tasted the cilantro. Faythe could also taste it but said it didn't taste that strong to her. Mom couldn't identify it among the other flavors in the salsa, so this indicates to me that even my initial reaction was stronger than usual for me.

Normally I would set aside the cilantro food, but I hadn't eaten much yesterday and we had about an hour and a half wait until everyone showed up for the meal if I remember correctly. So, out of a need to distract myself from my increasing hunger I filled up on chips and salsa.

It is now roughly a quarter after 6am and while my throat is sore the swelling is near non-existent. Am I safe at this point? Can I assume that I have averted the reaction or is it likely to come back? Any thoughts would be helpful.

Playing Pokemon and Seasonal Depression

I'm officially in bad headspace. I woke from anxiety dreams to sleep paralysis, after maybe a single hour of sleep. Fighting a migraine that's maybe 4(?) days now.

I woke up wanting to be dead. I calmed once I could move, enough that I no longer actively wish to be dead but I feel it lurking in the dark corners.

When I got up I cleaned my room, decluttering some stuff I had let pile up, and made my lunch.

I'm pretty fed up with Facebook right now. I'm not feeling Ravelry either. I barely spoke to Mom this morning. I'm not angry with her I just want to be left alone which is actually super dangerous for me.

I accidentally did a speed run of Pokemon Y. I had carefully transferred off items and banked Pokemon Thursday I think when I was spending time with my stepbrother Logan. So I restarted it, and I swear I dithered more about the trainer name than anything else. I actually texted Osaka asking what I should name my female Pokemon trainer. It might have been Friday? Anyway I got through badge one, and then got struck with a stomach bug and ground through the other badges and Elite 4 + Champion as a distraction.

I'm actually kind of annoyed because I was planning to play slow and just take my time and stretch it till closer to the Sun and Moon release date.

I'm considering replaying/restarting Black2 or White2 or both. I hate Gen 5 but I don't want to restart Silver or Gold and my GBA games are sitting in Osaka's closet with my Gameboy colors etc.

That's the substance of what I'm doing at the moment. Trying not to be suicidal and fussing about pokemon.

The Mind is a Funny Thing.

I fell asleep with my socks on and woke up heat-sick. I didn't take my temperature because I also woke up really nauseous and didn't want to risk getting sick all over my bed because I used an oral thermometer. What I did do was drink a bottle and a half of water and retrieve my ice packs from the freezer, one for just under my shoulders and one that is a face mask worn on the forehead or over the eyes.

I had been dreaming that I had a migraine coming on with really nasty nausea, and woke up feeling ill. I was hesitant to take my zophran when I wasn't sure I would keep down water, so I've not done that yet. If my stomach settles down more I'll do so.

I have had a migraine for a few days, mostly low key but it was ramping up last night as Mom and I came home from running to a few different Gamestops getting codes for Volcanion. I did the math with Logan we determined between his household, me, and Faythe's household we needed a minimum of 20 codes for one per eligible game cartridge. Mom and I grabbed a couple of codes last Tuesday, and Logan had gotten a few sometime this week, and I think Mom and I grabbed the last of what we needed and if there are leftovers I will will over them up on Ravelry and to any LJ friends that play but can't easily get to Gamestop.

~~~~

While I was laying down with my icepacks my brain decided I wasn't uncomfortable enough and started delving into the past. I don't talk much about my failed marriage or what happened exactly but I'm going to for a moment. There are a lot of subtle nuanced things that happened but it ended as approximately this scenario.

Person A is closeted gay, and feels threatened by Person C being Trans. They refuse to allow any kind of personal expression that might not be perceived as female. Gaslighting abounds.

Person B has common interests and is met at a doll meet. They profess to want nothing but to have more friends with common interests, and after a series of short one sided discussions Person A moves them in while Person C is asleep. Gaslighting continues by both parties.

Person C has a series of miscarriages that result in a complete mental breakdown, not their first, and end up on anti-depressants contrary to their established history as someone with bi-polar disorder. The result is that Person C becomes malleable, easily influenced, and is less likely to respond negatively even to obvious abuse.

Any outside parties are cut off without prejudice by persons A and B when possible, with gaslighting when necessary to explain that other people wouldn't understand the unique situation that Persons A and B have cultivated allowing them to have an affair publicly with little room for Person C to argue or express any kind of opinion on the matter.

Person A goes on deployment as a military person tends to. Person B freaks out because gaslighting all by oneself is harder, and Person C has a support group that are desperately trying to help, despite all efforts to cut them off from Person C.

Person B resorts to new and unusual abuse tactics including re-triggering PTSD in Person C by keeping them constantly on edge and nervous about reactions with gaslighting and panicked responses designed to plea to Person C's sense of decency. Person A also out of no one knows why reasons decides the best way to do this is to apologize with an small personal inexpensive gift when they step really out of line even by gaslighting standards, and excuse their behavior as not handling Person A being gone very well.

Person C runs out of their anti-depressants and realizes the kind of situation they find themselves in, and is FURIOUS. They reach out to any friend they think they may have, who are confused but sympathetic, as up until this moment Person C has been incredibly private about what has been going on, due to gaslighting and intentional isolation by Persons A and B.

Person A returns from Deployment and continues completely unacceptable and inappropriate behaviors with Person B, assuming that Person C is still compliant and appropriately submissive by their standards. Person C demands that Person A make a choice, and is gutted when person A chooses Person B.

YEARS later, Person C still struggles with the seemingly random acts of kindness by Person B, feeling guilty about wanting to keep the gifts given, small as they may be, because they earned them by living through the abuse, but also wanting to get rid of any reminder of what happened during that span of time. Person C is deeply conflicted and it keeps them up at night. Person C decides celibacy is the best course of action to prevent anything like this from ever happening again.


I don't talk about all of that because I tend to feel guilty because gaslighting works. I feel like I could/should have done more. I feel like I should have stood up for myself more. I feel like I should have reached out to my friends more. I am furious that I let myself be abused like that. I am furious that I didn't recognize it as abuse at the time. I am furious that my youngest sibling came out for a visit when I was cycling off of the anti-depressants and took the Mistress's side in all things, assisting in gaslighting me. I don't know if our relationship can ever come past that.

I feel guilty about the less than a handful of things I kept that were gifts from his mistress, but at the time I truly thought she was my friend. The memories are tainted but the gifts were small and meaningful and that hurts.

This is not a topic of discussion I bring up often and I am not okay with questions about it, but I needed to voice what happened as clearly as I can remember.

~~~~

I am so physically tired. My chronic migraines are acting up again. I have a standard health checkup tomorrow morning and I don't even know what to say to my doctor. Obviously the first thing will be that I've passed the kidney stone, and healing is a beast. I've been having fevers off and on since before the stone was diagnosed and I was assuming they had to do with the stone so I'm nervous that I'm still getting fevers.

I don't thing Mom or Faythe are bringing home germs but I can't be sure about that. They are both really great about being aware and avoiding illness and sharing because they know that I am immuno-compromised. Faythe was over all weekend and while we enjoyed each others' company for the most part we didn't spend much time together in contrast to most visits. It was still pleasant but not the same as our usual visits.

I get a bit frustrated because I lose track of time and I don't realize that I've fallen off the map and am not checking in online or elsewhere. Time passes and I have no concept of whether we last spoke a week ago or two months ago.

This is the ramping up point of my hard time of year. There is no particular trauma or memory that I am aware of that makes this so. I just know from experience these are my danger months. October to sometimes January I need to check in and make sure that people know I am physically okay.

~~~~

I know I need to catch up on a bunch of your journal entries and respond to a few comments. I will do my best to do so.

In gaming things I am nearly complete on my 2nd living Dex. I plan to have that finished by end of today if possible, minus Genesect and Meleotta, which I only have one of each, and they are in my first living dex. I will get more as they come out for the last of the special drops this year. I'm missing about 5 pokemon out of 721 to have full dex completion (1 of every single evolution) not counting alternate forms. I have all the alternate forms in my first living dex but I've not been focusing on that for this one. If I finish the basics of it today I will go back and trade on the GTS for alternate forms. I would love to just have the whole thing ready to port over to Moon with alternate versions and all.

I'm still collecting all the forms of Vivillion, but that takes a back burner to completing the living dex.

~~~~

In school, I need to get up to campus before the month is through with all of my documentation and confirm that all of my transcripts are in, meet with and advisor and plot out my academic course for Spring semester.

I have had intermittent contact with the school since I missed the Fall deadline for enrollment but nothing helpful, so I'm going to just go up to campus one day with all my papers and get it sorted.

What I've been up to.

Well I posted a bunch for a little while there. e_e;; I hate how sporadic my posts get as I heal up from "being sick" whatever the circumstances. It makes it hard to remember what happened in that time, which is part of why I keep a journal online, and I lose track of time and don't know when I am.

I've been continuing to heal up from passing the kidney stone. My body is resistant to my returning consistently to solid foods. I ate mostly soft things like toast, mashed potatoes, soft cheese, etc while I was passing the stone and for another week or so after, and my body keeps flipping out when I have something that actually has seasoning or substance. It's a frustrating process.

~~~~ Gaming ~~~~

I've been playing Pokemon, grinding and preparing to restart Y, as well as setting aside another living dex (every single pokemon, all the evolutions) to have ready to transfer to Moon when I get that next month.

I have also as of today, picked back up with Dragon Quest 9. I'm playing that one with my sister Faythe in co-op, but we agreed that we could level alternate jobs and do quests without each other, as long as we don't progress plot or level the main job class. So today I did some Grottos, worked on some quests, and continued to finesse my equipment for each job class.

We are both playing with a group of three, so that when we play together whoever is hosting can just open their gate and not have to put away their supporting party characters. This is the build Faythe determined, and it worked well for what I wanted so I'm also using it.

Hero = Minstrel -> Thief -> Armamentalist -> Luminary

Healer = Priest -> Mage -> Ranger -> Sage

Melee = Martial Artist -> Warrior -> Paladin -> Gladiator

I made a 4th to have for backup healing while I'm playing by myself and so far I've gone with Priest -> Minstrel for her. She is not limited to 4 total jobs for the build but I'm mainly leveling her with the others so she only changes to something else if I need a skill the others don't have, which I'm mostly covered on.

~~~~ In "What Is This Even" News ~~~~

I'm really behind in everything social. I have been checking in with facebook a couple of times a day which barely covers anything and ended up having to post a "SERIOUSLY NO DEAD ANIMALS IN MY FEED" thing because over the course of last weekend all of a sudden I was inundated with posts of seriously injured or dead cats, dogs, snakes, etc. No idea what triggered it. I blocked several people, removed several more and then posted that it was not okay to post that crap.

I've also had a problem with people posting injured children, which is WHAT worthy. I don't know what the hell is going on with people. I thought the politics crap was bad enough, but between dead and injured animals and children, and all of the clown photos from news stories I'm blocking every other thing on my feed.

For those not in the know, I am extremely scared of clowns. I don't want to know, don't want to see it, don't want to hear about it. Just NO clowns please and thank you.

~~~~ Summary ~~~~

I'm in the process of going through and trying to read back entries and catch up but my energy is still really low overall. I will try to get back online more regularly now.

Yes I'm still on about the kidney stone.

I had momentary panic when I woke having missed a dose of pain medicine and in agony. Then after a the panic settled I remembered that I had similar really nasty pain after my first kidney stone, because that stone tore a damn hole on it's way out.

After the first stone I went back to the ER about a week and a half to two weeks after I passed that stone and was reassured that it was normal to hurt (that's part of why they prescribe more than a few days of pain medication), and that it could hurt intensely for up to three months.

Not especially reassuring but basically keep an eye on things, if I start to bleed, if pain worsens, or if I have unusual urine I should get looked at. I'm in about as much pain I was in before going to the ER but not as much pain as I had while actively passing the stone. So.. I just have to gut it out basically.

Thankfully I am not having to juggle school assignments and work with it this time. I was relating to Mom that I while passing the first stone I went to work, worked my full shift, went to school from there, and then went to my morning class the next day before I emailed my afternoon professor and begged off. I explained to her that I was actively passing a kidney stone, asked permission to submit my schoolwork via e-mail, and e-mailed her my ER note from a few days prior as proof that I wasn't just making excuses. She told me not to worry about the homework and to go home and rest and she hoped to see me next class. So, I went home immediately e-mailed her the assignment and doctor's note (because I listen SO well), and then went into the bathroom and finished passing the stone over the next three to six hours. Oh and I was foolish and turned down pain medication so I did all of that on pure stubborn stupidity. Never again.

That was really awful, and in contrast I have been mostly on bed rest, intermittently mobile (mostly to prepare food and eat so I can take my pain pills), and have really not had much pressure to do anything but try to rest and heal.

The really tricky thing is going to be how I do Tuesday. Mom and I have some minor dental work that needs doing, and I'm basically not able to wear anything but loose pajamas right now because my kidney is still inflamed, and it hurts to move or wear anything remotely constricting. I'm wearing a loose T-shirt and athletic shorts, and have basically not worn proper clothing since we left the ER.

So.. tomorrow I'm going to try and get dressed (gauge my pain) and see how much that hurts. That will determine how we do things Tuesday I think.

I'm still mostly eating soft easy to prepare food (toast, bagels with cream cheese, lots of orange juice, fresh fruit, instant mashed potatoes) because it takes too much energy to prepare AND eat food. I've done well with rinsing my dishes, and emptying the dishwasher, to minimize extra work for Mom.

In contrast to me at optimal health I'm eating very slowly. I tend to be the first one finished eating most of the time, and it's taking me forever to eat TOAST. It's taking me a half hour to eat a small bowl of mashed potatoes. It's very frustrating.

I have this incredibly unrealistic mindset of "I've passed the stone so obviously I'm FINE now. I should be instantly better right?" and I'm growing increasingly impatient with my very slow to heal body. If it were a ragdoll, I'd have thrown it across the room by now in a temper tantrum. It's been what, less than a week since I was diagnosed with the stone, and it took about two days to pass it from the ER visit so I'm only 2 days out from a huge physically traumatic instance and I'm fidgeting and going "COME ON LET'S GO! I WANT TO DO THINGS!!"

I have to laugh at myself because I barely have the strength to get up and walk to the restroom or kitchen and I'm sitting here going "Yeah I feel like crap, and I'm tired but I'm SO BORED." Not realistic at all.

Second kidney stone of the year is done, I think.

The last several weeks have been a blur of pain haze, foggy memory, and for the last few days feeling really really drugged in between moments of intense pain. Because I actually had pain relief for this kidney stone I am somewhat less certain of when exactly I passed the stone.

I had several painful abdominal cramping sessions between my cuddles with a heating pad, and short naps with vivid dreams. Somewhere in that time the pain moved firmly out of my kidney, and this morning I can't find any spot of pain, discomfort, distinctly OTHER feeling of where the stone might be, so I can only conclude that in one of the painful cramping moments I did actually pass it.

I have little memory of October at all. I think I pretty well fell off the radar. I don't remember much of September either to be honest. I am relieved that I was sick, because it makes a bunch of my "WHAT IS THIS" symptoms make sense. I am still physically drained, though well-hydrated, and have quite a bit of residual pain, but it's not actively passing a kidney stone pain now. I think it's "I just passed a kidney stone and boy did leave an internal mark" pain.

Holy crap I'm confused. We aren't in October yet are we? What the hell. Did I mention vivid dreams? LOTS OF VIVID DREAMS?!

Right then, I'm done. I'm going to lay down with my heating pad. I will be trying to catch up with everyone over the weekend and into next week.

Oops, another kidney stone.

I've been having some troubling symptoms  for I guess a couple of weeks. Fever coming and going, increasing lower back pain, and quite a bit of nausea without the usual migraine as accompaniment.

Turns out I have my second kidney stone this year. The first I can firmly blame on Topamax which I am no longer on. This one? No idea. I was told I might be more prone after the first stone.

I discovered my back pain was kidney pain quite by accident. I asked Mom to look at my back and tell me if there was any bruising (I've been falling down, running into things) and she said no and asked if it could be a kidney stone. I said "No, because that would hurt here *knuckle to kidney in back* OW!!" Instant bruise where my knuckle had been.

So I slept on it, emailed my doctor whom I had just seen for routine blood work, and he told me if I suspected a kidney stone to please go directly to the ER. So, we did when Mom got off work yesterday and it was or is indeed a small stone in the kidney and thankfully no infection.

Today Mom and I will make a quick run to the pharmacy for medicine to help it pass easier and with less pain and then I'll be housebound until the stone passes.

General Health Update

I'm having some insomnia issues culminating in being awake for very long periods of time and then falling asleep at odd moments and places. I had a visit with my doctor this morning, and he took blood for routine lab work, and we discussed which medication I think has been causing some issues. We also discussed my need for a routine and some possibilities for getting enough physical activity during the hot times when I can't realistically get outside much.

I think the next step will be when I see him in a month discussing some low impact exercise I can do at home to help. I also emailed him prior to my appointment about some EDS information and if he is able to read up on that during the month (I do realize he is busy and has things to do) then we can discuss appropriate testing. In theory it is a simple flexibility check with some questions and observations but we'll see what we see.

In the meantime he re-upped my imitrex so I will have enough of that to get through the next month, and sent in a script for zophran for me to have on hand for when I get the really nasty sudden onset nausea.

Rather than continuing with Mom to work and then Knit Night we determined that I should come back home and try to rest. I've started a load of laundry and once I get that into the dryer, I will take out my contacts try for a nap. If my body won't have that, then find something to do that will be physically taxing.

My back is sore at this point from bending and lifting things. Overall pain is low. Dr M takes the blood himself and sends off what he needs to, to an outside lab, but much of it they can do in house. He seemed quietly amused that I wasn't bothered by him sticking me and didn't express much in the way of pain when the first stick didn't work and we had to switch to the other arm. I explained that while it wasn't comfortable it was nowhere near my levels of pain that I'm used to with medical stuff. I think I had an involuntary flinch or muscle spasm on my left arm where he initially tried. I'm impressed that there is no bruise there. I tend to have ridiculous bruising after blood work, usually immediately after.

Fingers crossed everything comes back normal. This is routine stuff, not looking for trouble stuff. Last lab results I had said that everything was functioning normally but it's been at least 6 months since my last ER visit or lab workup.

I am incredibly fatigued and I think my tolerance for heat is fluctuating, as what has been roughly comfortable in the house is now just a bit too warm, and I'm feeling overheated about 90% of the time. I'm not hot enough to be heat sick, but definitely warm enough to be uncomfortable. Dr M and I agreed that ideal temperature would be approximately 68F which is roughly where we had the thermostat in Virginia, but Mom is prone to bronchitis and that would be FAR too cold for her. We're going to try dropping it from 75F to 74F for awhile and see if that is enough. I will have Mom adjust the thermostat since I don't know how to work it, and I don't want to screw it up.

First big DFW meetup.

I spent Wednesday afternoon with my brother and his wife. We had a fun time playing video games and binge watching TV, just hanging out. We watched a complete season of "How I Met Your Mother" which was initially on for background noise as Logan and I played Dragon Quest 9 and I directed through plot points.

I've been watching Being Human (original UK version) and am into Series 5 now, and it's gone a bit odd as they do a few seasons in. I want to keep going but I'm beginning to be bored with it, which makes me sad. There are some compelling plot things I want to watch play out but there's too much of the old villain is destroyed (again) meet new more Villainy villain. It's ..a weird cliche of supernatural TV shows and I remember it so much when I used to watch Buffy. It drove me nuts then too.

So.. I'm also knitting. I've been slowly working on a doll sweater, and when I finish it, I am wanting to try to size the pattern up for MSD and possibly down for TinyDelf. I am not ready to do the necessary math for that right now though.

~~~~

Last night I went to my first big local public BJD meet at Pie Five and it was nice. I just woke up from a weird anxiety dream in which a "local" person was hosting a meet at their house, cornered me and was either aggressively hitting on me or trying to make me feel unwelcome by being the wrong sort of friendly. I woke up in an anxious way breathing hard and feeling freaked out.

I chalk that up to meeting so many new people. Mom and I sat quietly with our dolls and were friendly, everyone there was friendly, but I felt myself slipping out away into "I'm not here because I literally can not process any of this anymore" overwhelmed place. Mom either picked up on that or was also just done. We made polite goodbyes, and both came home and went pretty immediately to bed.

I took Robbie my School C boy, and Mom took Grace her Pukifee Shiwoo girl.

The only people I knew from actually having met physically before were my brother's roommate Ed, and Debbie and Crockett. There were many beautiful dolls and everyone seemed friendly but I was rather too intimidated to go over and visit with people that weren't seated just right next to me. I'm not sure if even half of the usual people were there but it was way too many people for my comfort zone, even if they are NICE people.

It's really strange because I can remember hosting doll meets and setting up meets for Southeast Virginia shortly after I moved there in 2006/2007, and because we were so far south we rarely had more than six or seven people show up, and it wasn't always the same people but I don't think they started to get bigger until towards the end when I stopped hosting/scheduling them. I don't know if anyone out there is till hosting them. The community there fluctuates so much because of the military.

I have many friends I met through BJDs who have relocated to the DFW area since we started being friends which is really cool, but DFW is a HUGE metroplex and that makes coordinating difficult and overwhelming. I like the big meetup in theory but I think next time I go I will take an anxiety pill before we go, and sit in the corner with my back to the wall. I met too many new people at once and that anxiety is likely to spill over for several days.

I took some photos but my hands were shaking pretty badly so I'll try to post the least blurry ones.

~~~~

Tuesdays are long.

So I accidentally stayed up Sunday night into Monday binge-watching Being Human (UK version) halfway into Series 2. When I did realize how long I'd been awake I immediately went to sleep, slept about 7 hours, and woke for dinner, a little bit of conversation and went back to sleep for maybe 4 hours. I woke about 3 am.

I've packed lunches for Mom and me today. Tuesdays I tag along with her into work and we go to Knit Night afterwards with my sister Faythe. So I spend the day in downtown Dallas, down in the lobby playing Pokemon or Dragon Quest, or on my phone or drawing etc, while trying to ignore Fox News which is where the charging ports are.

I have also discussed with Mom getting some floating shelves to put along the wall where my dresser is for doll space. I want to get them up off the dresser, maybe some of them onto stands, and have a safe place for that. I also want to install a wall-mounted desk, but I'm trying to figure out the best (least expensive) way to do that, which will support the weight of a desktop PC. I'd also like to get narrow bedside table and possibly a laptop stand which I can swing round next to my bed. If I had more space I would have the bed set up as a day bed since it also functions as a couch for me for watching TV, playing games etc, and day beds area good fit for a twin mattress.

I don't want to commit to a bunch of real furniture though. I'm pretty upset that I had to leave my loft bed behind in Virginia and that I had to leave my really nice mattress behind in Tennessee. The one I'm using now is not a bad one, but I had a very nice one that I bought when I bought my bed.

Also my room is a very compact space. I believe it is the smallest of the three rooms, and I'm okay with that really, but ideally I would like to have enough room to have a functional bedroom AND space for the dolls and that so far is not working out to my liking. If/when I put in a desk (either tiny student desk or a wall mounted desk) I will have to put away the small amount of doll furniture that I do have out, and I really don't want to do that.

I'd like to put some floating shelves about my bed on the wall opposite the dresser for displaying completed Lego sets. I have many that I would love to have out on display and be able to take down for play.

It's a process. Anyway I have a long day ahead of me so I'm off. I hope you're all well!

Doll Sitting

I dug out clothes, wigs, and eyes to see if the B&G Saphira is a doll I could work with as one of my own and I think I found a bit of spark. The wig would not be long-term, but I like the golden eyes, and he looks good in the borrowed clothing. This particular sculpt has optional elf ears which are included, and are super cute. I think the faceup would need to be repaired or altered (I like it, but there are some not easily seen on camera scuffs).





I like the bones of the sculpt, but I think I would prefer him as a blond or with a different style of red wig. I think he looks better with the 16mm eyes I put in him rather than the 18mm default eyes. The elf ears are really cute and I took a few pictures of those on my phone for comparison.





I have him with just the human ears in right now because I don't want to risk breaking the long elf ears. The wig protects the human ears well.

Next I need to pull out the other doll and eye and wig him and see what I feel. I think I could definitely see this guy in my long term crew even if I don't know who he would be yet. I'll have to discuss with Logan and his wife what sort of trade we could work out exactly.

Migraines and knitting.

So.. one of my migraine medications makes it super easy to sleep and the other switches me on like woah. I had migraine backlash this evening so I took the other one, because I had taken my preferred (Imitrex) several times in the last couple of weeks and I'm supposed to be alternating them.

I lay down to sleep/rest, plugged my phone in to charge, rolled over.. and suddenly I was WIRED. Aggravated, I got up, turned the light back on, and grabbed my knitting.

I finished a the hat for Logan's Pan yesterday and cast on a sweater for Yo-SD. I'm about four rows past where the sleeves split off (raglan pattern) and I've set it aside so I don't make any serious fatigue mistakes.

Have I posted any of the knitting I've done recently? I don't think that I have. Since I made Owen's sweater in July 2015, I haven't really been able to knit because I was so sick. Since I got to Texas late June of this year, I have made a stuffed cat, two sweaters, and the hat for Logan's doll Pan.

First I made Beans the Cat, which I named Bohne die Katze, which if my German isn't too rusty should translate to "Beans the Cat" because I was either going to do it in German or Spanish, and I think Osaka beat me to it with naming one Frijoles del Gato. I may also make a black or brown one named Frijoles del Gato, but it will be smaller than the first one I made.

I'm not fluent in German or Spanish, truly, but I know enough that I can do silly stuff like that. I named my last cat Decke Ventilator Von Souffle, which if I recall correctly was "ceiling fan" in German with Von Souffle tacked on the end, because I was a goofball. I loved that cat.

Anyway knitted stuff. First we have Beans:


Then I made Toby a sweater of his own in a soft acrylic which has hints of tan and pink:


Then feeling confident I made another sweater from the same pattern from different tidbits that were all gifts from friends. I called the project the Friendship Sweater:


And last for now, is the hat intended for Pan, modeled by October:


In addition to late night knitting I've also been organizing playlists for my mp3 player and putting music back on my laptop that was accidentally deleted, from the mp3 players. I made a new playlist for when I'm just hanging out at the house.

Going back to my migraine medicine, I think that my backup medication (Maxalt) is aggravating my insomnia. I will bring it up with my doctor when I see him later this month and see if instead of alternating the two as needed migraine medications, I can just get more of the Imitrex. Doctors seem to be really stingy with migraine medication which baffles me because it doesn't get you high, and honestly it makes me feel like crap, just less like crap than I do when I actively have a brain-screaming migraine. It's probably a legislative thing but it's frustrating all the same. I would prefer not to even risk repeating the 9 month migraine and right now I'm still fighting out of the two week-ish one.

Random thoughts. I'm going to try to sleep.. again I think.

New shoes today!

Holy cow. I fell under a migraine-rock and don't remember much of the last two weeks. It should be safely over. I was reminded by Osaka that I frequently get migraines at the end of a vial of testosterone, that are resistant to medication, and now that I'm in the new vial it should even out with my medications.
In the mean time I am vaguely aware of having interacted with people in person and online but my brain just dumped everything in the "shred/burn" pile so it's all a bit hazy.

If I have spoken to anyone about anything important, a reminder would not be at all out of bounds. I don't think I committed to anything other than making a hat in trade for a pre-ordered copy of Pokemon Moon via my brother Logan, but I would like to be certain.

Ashbet, I emailed you when I did the thing that you asked for, but if there was anything else I was supposed to do, or bring, or schedule (like another get together) if you could please remind me of details I would be super grateful.

My technically common-law brother J was out of town for work this last weekend so Faythe was over with us from Thursday night to Monday evening. We put her Netflix on my PS3 so that when she is over we can watch things together. Monday we watched the new The Little Prince, and the animation was gorgeous all over. I wasn't familiar with the story so there were some unexpected feelings but it was a great film, and when it comes out on bluray, it will be coming home. When Zootopia drops on Netflix at the end of the month I will ask Faythe to watch it with me. I have heard nothing but good things about it.

Honestly for the past two weeks I can only remember taking medicine, sleeping, and brief painful stints of sunlight. I am aware that I DID other things, and enjoyed a visit with Ashbet but I don't remember anything else.

I'm aware that Osaka and Ringo went to a beautiful quilt show and posted lots of lovely photos and specifically I remember two bear quilts from that post, but everything else is kind of.. gone. I will go and re-read things while I am reasonably coherent.

This evening after Mom got home from work, and a quick Costco run, we went by Academy Sports and Outdoors and got two pairs of shoes on clearance. Mom got new sneakers, black, and grey with red highlights, and I got a pair of slides (Mom called them slippers, regional variation?) that are stone-wash denim with memory foam insoles. They are reasonably fashionable, and probably very adult looking but I don't care because I have shoes between flipflops and snow sneakers now. When I go back to school proper Mom is willing to buy me a second pair of shoes so that neither pair blows out in 6 months to a year.



Pictured with my charging 3DS, and my blue fuzzy blanket.

I am also doll-sitting two dolls for Logan, both of them elf-earred boys. I will rummage and see if I can get them, dressed, wigged, and eyed and take some photos. Logan has had them in the closet for 3 years "for sale" with no bites and wanted me to give them some love. If I do want one or both he and his wife will discuss bartering some reasonable exchange of crafted goods for one or both dolls.

The little one I've never seen before, it's from Popo doll, and the other is a B&G doll but I'm not sure which sculpt.

Body what is this...

My brain and body decided sleep was not happening so I cut my hair, trimmed my beard, had a shower, brushed my teeth, ACTUALLY shaved my neck, took out the trash, and packed lunches for Mom and me.

No idea how this no sleep is gonna mess with me yet. Probably I'll fall asleep at Mom's office. Possibly I will stay awake and sleep like a normalish person tomorrow/tonight.

I also moved my shot from Tuesday to Monday evening because shenanigans like this really mess me up and I'm too tired to SAFELY do my shot. I've forgotten for like 3 weeks till I'm in bed in jammies and half asleep, which further ducks up my sleep as I crawl out of bed do my shot and then lie awake thinking about what a fucking long day it's been.

Wish me luck for today. I need positive vibes to make it to .. 10pmish.

Today was a day of overall success.

Today I woke up to a thunderstorm and it was a bit disconcerting. I had a strange dream that felt like a Doctor Who episode (mystery, weirdness, science fiction) and ended with an excruciatingly painful brain surgery where for whatever reason EVIL THING did part of a surgery and then offered up the consent forms for MORE surgery before finishing so you either are stuck and die of pain and not being finished, or consent to full brain replacement. It was weird. I woke up pre-migrainey but that passed with the storm.

We also went to pick up some prescriptions once Mom got off work. We got a 3 month supply of contacts, a 6-9 month supply of contact solution, and my next 3 month supply of testosterone all taken care of. We had In'N'Out to celebrate GETTING THINGS DONE.

Most of my day was quiet. I got dressed.. played a little bit of Dragon Quest 9 on my DS, played some Dragon Quest 4, and chatted off and on with Faythe and Osaka. My sleep schedule has been a bit messed up since I've been fighting the same migraine off and on for about two weeks, but I think it should even out soon. I suspect it's continued fallout from GETTING THINGS DONE medically, across the board. That is a wonderful thing, but for me it's also very stressful.

I'm still trying to figure out WHY school didn't get worked out for Fall, because these things happen for a reason, but I don't have an answer yet. I don't know if I'm meant to just heal, or if something is going to come along that needs time aside from playing with and knitting/sewing for my dolls or what.

I keep having anxiety dreams. I keep dreaming I'm still in Virginia Beach, or that I live with Osaka in Tennessee instead of in Texas, and each time I dream that, I'm confused in dream because I'm aware that I came to Texas but not sure how or why I'm back the other place. I do have a planned trip to visit Osaka in the spring, to coincide with Spring break assuming that I get school properly sorted out and enrolled for that. There is no reason it shouldn't be sorted by Spring logically.

I just want to be in school. I think much of my stress is being a homebody. I value my solitude but I'm drowning in it right now. I get out every Tuesday, go to work with Mom and sit down in the lobby and play on my phone, or DS, or draw in my sketchbook and then we go pick up Faythe and go to Knit Night in Grand Prairie. It's nice, it's a routine, but I have 6 other days where I'm going WHAT TO DO?!

Sundays I can tag along with Mom to church if I like, and I have a few times. I enjoy the music, and the people are friendly but there are too many of them and socially it's not a comfortable place for me. There is this question mark hanging in the air most places I go anywhere with Mom. I can't describe it, but it's places that are deemed as her territory in my brain. Her work, her church, I feel awkward. I introduce myself as her kid. She introduces me as her kid. She doesn't use pronouns, which is better than using the wrong ones but is still kind of awkward.

I am thankful, truly, and also I am thankful that I do not live in Arlington where people might actually recognize me. There are people I would be totally fine seeing regularly and others that I just might punch in the teeth if I ever saw them face to face again. I was bullied quite a bit as a kid. I was small, I was weird, my family was poor, and we were The Mormons.

I feel that same "otherness" if I go somewhere that is MOM'S SPACE. Knit Night is a safe place because there are people I knew there in 2009. My trans status is a non-issue. It's known but not a Big Deal, nor is it spoken about in whispers when I get up to go to the restroom.

I hate Texas for the heat, because I would be walking all over creation if A) I had shoes for it, and B) it weren't die of heat temperatures on a regular basis. I MISS WALKING. I miss being OUTSIDE. I miss daylight, but I legitimately need the blackout curtains (x2) on my bedroom window due to migraine frequency.

The more time I spend by myself the more awkward I feel. The more awkward I feel, the less I want to get out. The less I get out, the more I spend time by myself. I'm not even super depressed right now!! I just.. am terrified of anything social at this point. My anxiety is at an all time high. I don't feel like I'm passing well because I have put on some HEALTHY weight, and rebuilt most of the muscle I lost over winter. I think I'm also putting on a bit of extra, and my binders are wearing out. That makes for.. awkward public appearance.

I had a day out with my step-brother Logan on Wednesday of last week, just surprise visit let's go hang out, and it was awesome. No one questioned me, we had a good time, and I didn't feel judged. I know it's head weasels but I don't know how to get rid of them.

Now I think I'm gonna go cut my hair, trim my beard, and make sandwiches for tomorrow.

Happy 11th Anniversary Ro!

Ro is 11 tomorrow, August 29th. Eleventh anniversary baby! So I did a kind of silly but hopefully cute photostory. Many of my doll props and furniture are still in storage with Osaka so I have like.. what you see and a handful of tiny things on hand to use.


Ro: *typing*


Elli: What's with all the pillows on the bed? Or rather, why did you drag out your baby bed and set it up?


Ro: Orion got me a birthday present, and said it would be a pet. I'm hedging my bets it will need somewhere to sleep.
Elli: What, like a puppy? You could have put some pillows on the floor for a puppy.


Elli: .... *stares at bed*


Elli: Wait, is that the electric blanket? What is it wrapped up around? Electric blankets aren't safe for pets!


Ro: Calm down, it's an egg. I'm incubating it. I don't put off enough heat to just curl up with it, and Orion is keeping an eye on things.


Orion: Eggs need heat. The blanket is set on low heat and I won't let it get too hot.


Elli: You do know that pets make LOUSY birthday gifts right? Also what kind of pet comes in an egg that size?!
Ro: Exotic pets. Don't worry about it.

~Some time later~


Ro: You are the first humanoid anything I've seen come from an egg. I don't know how I'm going to explain a child as a pet..


Child: ...


Ro: Don't worry, I'll think of something. You're not going anywhere little one. <3 br="">
~~~~End~~~~

I'm pondering a new look for Earnán. I've changed out his eyes and will play with wigs and think about faceups once I have all my stuff on hand again. I'm tempted to grab a wig off someone else and see how I like him as a blond. He may not stay Earnán, or even the same gender. He's still a Phoenix I think, so same creature, different look is not out of the realm of possibility.

Anyway, 11 years ago, my first BJD came home, and last year I made a point of making sure he was back on a body by his 10th anniversary but then I was sick a bunch so.. no photos happened.