Thursday, December 15, 2016

Anxiety attack at 2am.

I have an early doctor's appointment (regular check-up) and went to bed at a reasonable time so of COURSE I can't sleep. I think this happened last month before my visit too.

I'm a bit aggravated by this. I've been trying all my usual "time to sleep" tricks, turning off the lights, getting comfortable, familiarizing myself with the night noises, but my brain is on hyper alert. I've had a migraine pretty much non-stop minus a few hours here and there for I think a month.

What is keeping me from sleeping right now? I keep settling into bare consciousness and hearing a plastic bag rustling. The plastic liner in my little trash can is not touching the fan blowing at low speed. There are no stray plastic bags in the hall, and Mom's light is OFF which tells me she is not playing with plastic bags at 2am.

Best guess as to actual noise? Audio feedback. I've been having issues translating speech today, noise only. I've been able to read and respond to text, but spoken word has been that strange noise I can't quite decipher. My brain feels like it's got an electrical fire going and is stuck in a bucket of mud simultaneously. The mud slows down processing but does nothing to alleviate the lightning storm in my mind.

I could scream. I just wanted to get a couple hours of sleep so I don't look as crappy as I feel when I see the doctor. I don't like going to see a doctor when I look as crappy as I feel. It's depressing, and it tends to throw off my sense of self. I have a hard time feeling like anyone should take me seriously when I feel and look like hell.

I'm beginning to feel frantic about school. When I got my classes signed up, there was an issue with FAFSA. The government website says I'm fine, so I need to go back to the school and try to figure out if it's a matter of trying to take too many credit hours or what.

I was told that not attending in Fall should not affect my eligibility for Spring semester and I'm going to be really angry and upset if I find that my transcripts getting lost in the mail the first time, shot me in the foot for attending this particular school. I'm running out of time to get it sorted. I need to tweak the schedule I set up even if FAFSA is fine, because the class times are not what I thought I was signing up for. I can do the course load but not the weird hour set up that I have going right now.

This seemed so much easier at TCC (Virginia). I went in, I signed up for courses, I could get to the school on my own (via bus OR walking), and all the offices I needed were easy to find. The staff seemed friendlier too. I just REALLY need this. I need to not feel like a complete screw-up. I need this to work out. I don't think I have time to try and get into a backup school, and I wouldn't know where to look right now honestly. I don't want to be left twisting in the wind, and if I can't get this sorted for Spring semester, I can't attend this school at all, ever. They will put a permanent irreversible block on my record for something in the vein of failure to get myself together.

I want to scream, cry, sleep for a month. I want this damned migraine to end. I want Christmas to be over. I can't handle all of this.

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About Me

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I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.