Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Today was a day of overall success.

Today I woke up to a thunderstorm and it was a bit disconcerting. I had a strange dream that felt like a Doctor Who episode (mystery, weirdness, science fiction) and ended with an excruciatingly painful brain surgery where for whatever reason EVIL THING did part of a surgery and then offered up the consent forms for MORE surgery before finishing so you either are stuck and die of pain and not being finished, or consent to full brain replacement. It was weird. I woke up pre-migrainey but that passed with the storm.

We also went to pick up some prescriptions once Mom got off work. We got a 3 month supply of contacts, a 6-9 month supply of contact solution, and my next 3 month supply of testosterone all taken care of. We had In'N'Out to celebrate GETTING THINGS DONE.

Most of my day was quiet. I got dressed.. played a little bit of Dragon Quest 9 on my DS, played some Dragon Quest 4, and chatted off and on with Faythe and Osaka. My sleep schedule has been a bit messed up since I've been fighting the same migraine off and on for about two weeks, but I think it should even out soon. I suspect it's continued fallout from GETTING THINGS DONE medically, across the board. That is a wonderful thing, but for me it's also very stressful.

I'm still trying to figure out WHY school didn't get worked out for Fall, because these things happen for a reason, but I don't have an answer yet. I don't know if I'm meant to just heal, or if something is going to come along that needs time aside from playing with and knitting/sewing for my dolls or what.

I keep having anxiety dreams. I keep dreaming I'm still in Virginia Beach, or that I live with Osaka in Tennessee instead of in Texas, and each time I dream that, I'm confused in dream because I'm aware that I came to Texas but not sure how or why I'm back the other place. I do have a planned trip to visit Osaka in the spring, to coincide with Spring break assuming that I get school properly sorted out and enrolled for that. There is no reason it shouldn't be sorted by Spring logically.

I just want to be in school. I think much of my stress is being a homebody. I value my solitude but I'm drowning in it right now. I get out every Tuesday, go to work with Mom and sit down in the lobby and play on my phone, or DS, or draw in my sketchbook and then we go pick up Faythe and go to Knit Night in Grand Prairie. It's nice, it's a routine, but I have 6 other days where I'm going WHAT TO DO?!

Sundays I can tag along with Mom to church if I like, and I have a few times. I enjoy the music, and the people are friendly but there are too many of them and socially it's not a comfortable place for me. There is this question mark hanging in the air most places I go anywhere with Mom. I can't describe it, but it's places that are deemed as her territory in my brain. Her work, her church, I feel awkward. I introduce myself as her kid. She introduces me as her kid. She doesn't use pronouns, which is better than using the wrong ones but is still kind of awkward.

I am thankful, truly, and also I am thankful that I do not live in Arlington where people might actually recognize me. There are people I would be totally fine seeing regularly and others that I just might punch in the teeth if I ever saw them face to face again. I was bullied quite a bit as a kid. I was small, I was weird, my family was poor, and we were The Mormons.

I feel that same "otherness" if I go somewhere that is MOM'S SPACE. Knit Night is a safe place because there are people I knew there in 2009. My trans status is a non-issue. It's known but not a Big Deal, nor is it spoken about in whispers when I get up to go to the restroom.

I hate Texas for the heat, because I would be walking all over creation if A) I had shoes for it, and B) it weren't die of heat temperatures on a regular basis. I MISS WALKING. I miss being OUTSIDE. I miss daylight, but I legitimately need the blackout curtains (x2) on my bedroom window due to migraine frequency.

The more time I spend by myself the more awkward I feel. The more awkward I feel, the less I want to get out. The less I get out, the more I spend time by myself. I'm not even super depressed right now!! I just.. am terrified of anything social at this point. My anxiety is at an all time high. I don't feel like I'm passing well because I have put on some HEALTHY weight, and rebuilt most of the muscle I lost over winter. I think I'm also putting on a bit of extra, and my binders are wearing out. That makes for.. awkward public appearance.

I had a day out with my step-brother Logan on Wednesday of last week, just surprise visit let's go hang out, and it was awesome. No one questioned me, we had a good time, and I didn't feel judged. I know it's head weasels but I don't know how to get rid of them.

Now I think I'm gonna go cut my hair, trim my beard, and make sandwiches for tomorrow.

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About Me

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I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.