Auf Wiedersehen 2015!

I don't generally do a reflection of the prior year and hopes or thoughts for the new one, because I'm not generally having a great time this point in my year. However, 2015 merits reflection.

I started 2015 in a long-term and long-distance romantic relationship, and while the friendship remains the engagement is broken. I have many feelings about this, but not much way to easily express them or figure out the healthiest way to express them so I flounder a bit. I'm not used to a healthy end to a romantic relationship which leaves me a little confused on how to deal with the sense of loss, especially when I still have a deep and abiding friendship. So I kind of put my feelings on a shelf and through myself into my schoolwork and HARD, and that worked out I guess, except that it probably stressed my immune system more than school might have on its own.

This leads me to, my general physical health which is in somewhat worse shape than what I had at the beginning of the year. I've spent the summer and fall in and out of the hospital, first for surprise pneumonia in June and then for.. mystery symptoms that I can't recall. Probably pain. I honestly don't remember clearly. I think the first time I went back it was because the pneumonia had not cleared up, and after that it was just that my general health was not well, and mysteriously high levels of pain, and incredibly high heart rate without high blood pressure to match. Oh and the time that I passed out at work and it was witnessed. That may have been blood sugar related. Who knows.

Also of note, we (Osaka and I) reached the final tipping point of we can't keep doing THIS (living paycheck to paycheck) stringing ourselves along and trying to live in Virginia Beach when we just can not do it on our own. Time to figure out what to do. After a whole lot of very blatant signs and my ignoring them it became clear that I am supposed to go back to Texas. Osaka and DragonMouse will be heading back to Tennessee to the family farm, and we will be staying in close touch because we are still the very best of friends and this is not the end of a friendship, just doing what needs to be done for our health and well being.

So I called Mom and talked to her about it, talked to Faythe about Texas, talked to both about my health and school. I also discussed briefly with my ASL teacher what my options were in North Texas for signing programs but she was more familiar with Austin's schools, so I will very likely be going to from TCC (Tidewater Community College) to TCC (Tarrant County College) to finish my ASL degree and may pursue further education if I can keep up my straight As all the way through and maybe earn a scholarship to one of the very many good North Texas colleges.

I have no delusions that 2016 will be stress free. I have a work intensive spring semester ahead of me as well as a move to prepare for, and I'm still not exactly sure HOW I want to move my things. I don't have a ton of things but I own enough that shipping things isn't necessarily feasible as an option. I also really really hate moving and I'm not super excited about being in Texas.

I'm happy about being near my family, and I look forward to getting to see my nieces and nephews and siblings and all more but I also am not looking forward to bumping into all the people who mocked me as a teen for being who I am. I don't look much different now than I did at 15. Just with a beard.

And I think that's all I can handle at the moment. So, goodbye 2015. 2016, bring me health and fortune please.

Doll Rambling

It's been kind of surreal to have more than a few hours between work and sleep and trying to eat to try and .. breath and think. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, breathing is nice. I just really got used to being completely slammed and exhausted with constantly recovering from being ill and schoolwork and actual work, and social media and burnout. OOF. I've had .. what a week off from school now? I've gone to work as usual had some days off, had two actual factual days OFF where in I frantically tried to busy myself and then I just kind of petered out.

I'm all caught up on my webcomics, all caught up on my various social media outlets (and actually unusually active on some of them), and looking hard at my knitting and sewing and wondering what sort of magic I can make happen before school starts back up. I still have work and all but I still have several like proper days off where I have nothing I NEED to do other than wake up and take my medicine and remember to eat and bathe and so I can PLAY. I feel like a little kid with new toys. I kind of am actually. I got Legos for Christmas. I have new dolls..(checks list) I have FIFTEEN dolls that haven't been properly played with or had anything made special for them since I got them. That's seriously half of my collection, not counting rolling heads or anything. These are properly faceupped dolls with bodies and everything. They need outfits and stuff.

First of all, Ed needs a proper not temporary faceup. I don't want to have to wait until I get to Texas and commission someone to paint him. I want my hands to recover enough that I can paint my own dolls again.

I will settle for making Robbie clothes though. He needs clothes. Long-sleeved t-shirts, graphic tees, maybe a coat, some shorts, just some variety. Robbie needs a swank wardrobe. My pretty little vanity boy mirror.

I also need to remember the sculpt that Osaka helped me to find for my own FaithAnn, since the Faythe's FaithAnn is MSD, and Robbie is SD. Also that allows me to do my own thing with her as BFF-sibling dolls. I think it was Volks Coco? Was it Volks SD Coco Osaka?

Robbie got a new sweater! :D

My own knitting has fallen by the wayside for the most part since I regained employment, and then for certain once I started school. I tried to do stuff but I kept getting sick and staying sick, and then there was all the school work and just.. anyway, you know who hasn't stopped knitting? Osaka. Osaka still knits. She knit her Severus a beautiful sweater, a lovely chunky knit (which is the in thing this season and I am loving it) in perfect doll scale, and my Robbie is roughly the same size and scale as he is. She was kind enough to make me a sweater for Robbie of the same style to fit him in grey for Christmas.

Unfortunately I still have dreadful lighting so you get dark photos in front of a sugar pink Christmas tree. I hope you enjoy his beautiful new sweater as much as I do. It fits him like a dream. :)











Hooray knitting! I will hopefully be able to knit again someday soon, like when the weather stops jumping 10 degrees in either direction every other day. =_=;;

Winter Illness and Holiday Dolls.

Osaka has caught a winter bug from her brother Wotan, who is out visiting for Christmas. Most years he is just recovering from it during winter break but this year he is fully ill from it and recovering out here slowly over the course over the break.

He has won Christmas as far as his nephew and sister are concerned. DragonMouse got DoctorWho Legos, and Osaka got a discontinued doll that she has been distressed, bemoaning missing out on recently. Wotan managed to get his hands on her and sneak her under the tree and we didn't quite realize it until we were down to the last of the gifts and Osaka was going "Wait a minute.. This is bubble wrap. This is labelled bubble-wrapped bundles with a Certificate of Authenticity. YOU DIDN'T. HOW?!"

This is two years running that Wotan has managed to get two incredibly special discontinued hard to get dolls for Osaka, and both are incredibly special. Last year's was THE SOULDOLL CHORIN that had been sitting waiting patiently for seven years waiting for Osaka at the doll dealer's website. This is the Souldoll Giselle that was discontinued and.. nowhere to be found ANYWHERE in any of the places one might find older discontinued dolls. Wotan has amazing doll luck, and he uses his powers for good.

So due to timing Osaka and I both ended up with dolls for Christmas. Mine being Twinkle, my Loongsoul Beck Deertaur, and hers Souldoll Giselle, who is petite and gorgeous. I also have my pony, but I need to un-string and scrub that pony so it can be sealed and painted up to be Epona.

Christmas 2015

Today has been bittersweet. It has been a wonderful quiet day with friends full of love, and the last Christmas that I will have here in Virginia with my BFF. Next Christmas I will be back in Texas with my blood family, which will be an entirely different experience. I have come to appreciate our quiet routine of opening up stockings playing quietly, frequently an afternoon nap, and Christmas lunch or dinner at a Chinese buffet. It's a different tradition but it's one that we have enjoyed together for many years now.

I had difficult time sleeping and got up a little past 7am and found that DragonMouse was also up. We whispered quietly (genuinely quiet) together and he walked dogs and got coffee going for Osaka so that she would have that ready when she stirred. I took a photo of the tree, and one of us together on the sofa for facebook, mostly for the memory.

Osaka woke up a little while later, got her coffee, and we got into stockings, and DragonMouse dutifully passed out gifts to us, so that we each had something to unwrap at any one time.

He got Legos, a Frightfully Tall Frankie, some stuffies, some MLP blind packs, nice stuff all around. I got some very nice coloring books (some the complex patterns for adults ones), some new colored pencils, Legos, and a few other really nice tidbits I probably am not remembering right now.

I've had a recurring migraine for several days now and it came back in the early afternoon so I took an imitrex and laid down and slept through when I was supposed to call my family in Texas to chat and say hi to everyone. I ended up calling Faythe and Mom after we came back from dinner and chatted for awhile, until Bonnie called me. I spoke to her and Jenni briefly, said Merry Christmas to them both, and then called Rose to say the same to her, and wish her a Happy Birthday since I work tomorrow and might not be able to get a hold of her tomorrow.

It was pleasant talking to Mom and Faythe as they drove back to Garland from Arlington. I think they had stopped off in Arlington from Fort Work so Faythe could walk the dog before she stayed the weekend with Mom in Garland and I got to speak with them nearly the whole drive. We discussed my upcoming move, and storage options and how large the middle bedroom is and how much room Mom was willing to share in her studio for Art supplies and/or dolls (I was assuming none, but she is generous), and Faythe was explaining to Mom that middle bedroom was larger than the space I currently share with DragonMouse and so it would not be an issue squeezing my possessions into that space even with needing to store some items against one wall.

I'm still not ready to go back to Texas but I understand that it is what I need to do. I am looking forward to being able to continue to my education and also having the option of seeing my family more than just like.. through facebook. That will be nice.

Pokemon Talk

I re-restarted Pokemon Omega-Ruby because I had started it in German, and my German is a bit rusty, and then I realized I have the dialogue memorized in English which is part of why I was playing it in German. *facepalm* Also to refresh my German. It's only been like 16 years since German 1, of which I remember only a handful of words and phrases.

I had just transferred over a full shiny team from Pokemon Bank to use and had my Eevee at full hearts in Pokemon Aime when I had an error and my 3DS crashed the game so I rage quit. So.. Now I am going to wait until morning, transfer everything back to Bank, and then re-restart it in German again because the English doesn't have the umlaut that I wanted to use for my character's name.

So annoyed that it crashed and that I hadn't saved. I have a team of shinies that are mostly dog types and will substitute as needed for gyms and story parts to progress the game but mostly I want to play with my little German boy and his shiny dogs. FULL SHINY TEAM. I have a shiny Gyarados and a shiny Togekiss for my water and flying types. My Eevee is going to be a Sylveon, and I have will have a Mightyena, and a handful of other shines I've hoarded from my other Gen 6 games and saved in Bank. I even have some shiny legendaries.

Still neurotic.

I am firmly in the midst of a manic swing and back toward a mixed state I thing I think, which is making communication challenging. With the fall semester over and Christmas this.. Friday I am working long shifts but my work schedule is still set up for school so I have my first proper day off since school started today. I slept in till 10am. I am both wired and exhausted. I feel overstimulated and worn out.

I have had pain levels near my the higher end of my pain-scale from the weather jumping all over the place and my joints freaking out over that.I spent like that last week of school with my knitting gloves, the ones from the craft store for people with arthritis to help with compression and prevent too much pain or swelling. I've also been taking as much ibuprofen as I can safely taken with my prescribed medications.

I don't think I like the migraine medications that the neurologist gave me. They help but I can't tell how much of the fogheadedness is from medication and how much is depression.

I hate this time of year. I am so tired of complaining about being sick, tired of being broken.

I feel like I am making people upset online and off and I am unaware of it until later. This is frustrating. This happened when I was on lithium and I am really not sure I can handle losing all of my friends again because I am completely and obliviously being a jerk.

I am aware this is week of Christmas and people have lives and are busy and I am probably barely a blip on their radar, but I have nothing to go on, and that makes me really anxious on top of the mania.

Photos from Deaf Events.

So, for American Sign Language 1 and 2 I was required to attend Deaf Events as part of learning about Deaf Culture and understanding the people that I would be likely be working with in some capacity as a translator. I attended several but only have photos from the two at the mall, and the event where we learned to sign some Christmas Carols. It was fun but mostly silly songs, which was kind of disappointing for me. I was hoping to see and sign some of the songs I've seen Mom sign over the years.

Anyway I haven't posted photos anywhere except to my assignment journals and submissions because... schoolwork. I only have three I am comfortable sharing but I had a really fun time. Early on there was some embarrassment when I hadn't quite learned enough signs to communicate but we had some friendly and helpful guys who like to help out the ASL students and hang out.

This is a mix of ASL 1, 2, and 3 students as well as some friendly local Deaf guys who were teaching us some basic signs.



This is Andrew who had a gorgeous Zelda themed tattoo which I expressed jealousy of, and had learned enough to converse. He was super cool, and friendly, and was apparently hard of hearing because later on he startled the heck out of some of the ASL students and laughed really loudly because he was fully capable of hearing the noise and knew exactly how loud it was going to be.



This was from the Christmas Carol event which was at the ASL club at the TCC Chesapeake Campus. On the far left is Kelley, my classmate, and in the middle is my teacher Ms Gilstrap, who is a fantastic teacher. You can't tell from this photo but I am actually taller than Kelsey, our teacher, she is a tiny pixie of a woman.



I have had so much fun with ASL, and while my hands are screaming thinking of all the frantic signing practice, and I am really looking forward to picking it back up when I get to Texas. I will need to PRACTICE so that I don't have to start back over. I didn't get A's to start back over in ASL 1 thank you very much. :P

That's it!

70 Questions, Photos and Stuff.

And now something hopefully a bit more lighthearted, which I took off Faythe's journal, the questions not the answers. She did it as a 7 day thing but I did it all at once cause I needed something to DO with school all wrapped up.

1. Are you jealous of someone you love?
I rarely express jealousy, and I try not to put myself in positions where it will be an issue.
2. Is making the right decision hard?
Sometimes. Occasionally the right thing to logically do is not what I feel PULLED to do. I have to follow my gut and think it over in situations like this, or it comes back to bite me.
3. What kind of language would you like to learn?
All of them, spoken, written, and signed. I am incredibly passionate about languages. I am currently learning American Sign Language.
4. Is there a stereotype about your country that pisses you off?
Yes. The USA is far too diverse to be accurately portrayed at all. A handful of stereotypes scattered over a couple of decades does not paint a clear picture of any country.
5. What do you appreciate more hearing or seeing?
While I appreciate sound, and would be sad if I lost my hearing, I would be devastated if I lost my sight. I could not stomach living without art and music both.
6. Have you ever got lost in somewhere? What happened?
I have gotten lost a handful of times and every single time it has been one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. The earliest experience I wandered walked away from my sisters at the botanical gardens connected to the Dallas Zoo I believe at age four. Then at age twelve or thirteen I got lost in downtown Dallas on a field trip to the Dallas Art Museum when I got separated from my group. I walked back to the museum, sat down on the sidewalk and cried. The most recent experience was about a year ago in Chesapeake after I got lost trying to find the bus stop after seeing a new psychologist trying to get back to Virginia Beach. I kept walking in the general direction I came from for about three miles until I found the gas station I remember being dropped off near.
7. Seas or mountains?
Both. I saw the mountains for the first time a few years back in East Tennessee and loved the land. It was gorgeous.

8. Lakes or fields?
Lakes are filthy. Fields are muddy.
9. Are you easy to anger?
Sometimes. Generally I'm easygoing but I have some big shiny red button triggers that are easy to slap, and a nasty temper.
10. What do you like most about your looks?
That depends entirely on how depressed I am. Usually I like my face. I have green eyes and a pleasant face unless I am angry. 

11. If you could change just one thing about the world what would it be?
Medical Care in USA.
12. What is the most noticeable feature in your looks in your opinion?
Probably my face. I have kind of a baby face, and green eyes.
13. Do you fear death?
No.
14. Do you fear life?
Yes.
15. What calms your nerves?
Music, Art, a few select people.
16. Is there someone who gives a crap?
Yes there are a few people who do.
17. Are you romantic?
Like you wouldn't believe.
18. Stars or the sun?
Stars for days.
19. Rain for 90 days or drought for 90 days?
Rain forever.
20. What season do you enjoy most? What month?
Autumn despite it being the time of my onset of yearly depression.

21. No sleeping or no eating for a week? (don’t worry you would stay alive, you’d just suffer. so basically: staying hungry or tired?)
Both make me cranky but no sleep makes me crazy.. can it be productive crazy?
22. Do you think you’re better than your peers?
Sometimes, but not like superior as a human, just perhaps having a different skill set.
23. Do you feel comfortable at social gatherings?
Rarely.
24. Are you hard to impress?
Maybe? Some people impress me easily but they are charismatic. Others can be ...technically intelligent and aesthetically pleasing and smug and I just will not be impressed with them.
25. What is the most physically appealing thing in the sex you're attracted to?
HAHA. I am not attracted to physical features. I do like blue eyes, but I also appreciate brown, green, hazel, etc.
26. What is the most mentally appealing thing in the sex you're attracted to?
Intelligence, humor, charisma, and humility. Musical or artistic talent goes a LONG way too.
27. What do you think about one night stands?
Not a fan.
28. What position do you sleep in?
Violently.
29. Are you a dreamer? Are you motivated enough to achieve your goals?
Yes and yes, but I take a very long time to do so.
30. What is the weirdest thing in your room?
A bunch of glass eyes in a metal box.

31. Believe in love at first sight?
Absolutely, but I don't think it's a lasting thing.
32. Link a song that you liked five years ago.
Five years ago.. um.. (OK Go - Here it Goes Again)
33. Link a song that you liked ten years ago.
Geez. I'm not good with time traveling like this. (The Toadies - Backslider)
34. Have you changed a lot in the last two years?
I changed enough to finally go to college. Also my health has declined terribly so yes.
35. Favorite fruit?
Fruits upset my stomach with their high acidity, but I do enjoy them. x_x
36. Do you say things just because people want to hear them?
Nope. I refuse to lie or tell people what they think they want to hear.
37. Do your friends get you?
I'm not sure but they try to.
38. What are you the most proud of?
At the moment I am damned proud of carrying straight As on a 12 credit semester of college for my very first semester of college.
39. What Disney character do you emotionally relate to?
Maleficent.
40. Who is your favorite hero/ine?
Dr McNinja

41. Is small talk easy for you?
Not as such.
42. Do you get along with classmates?
Better now than I did at the beginning of the school year. It's easier with adults.
43. Best beauty tips?
Moisturizer is your friend.
44. What ordinary things make you happy on a daily basis?
Breathing without pain, music, when I can sing along with my mp3 player without my voice cracking.
45. Are you creative?
Yes
46. Name three things you look for in a partner.
Honesty, humility, patience.
47. Skirts or jeans?
Jeans.
48. Do you fancy rompers?
Not so much no.
49. Define your style in a few words: clothing style, talking style, dream house.
Comfort for practicality. If I were slimmer, and wealthier I would dress to the nines in velvet and silk and vests and pinstripes and hounds-tooth, with gorgeous shiny shoes with fancy buckles and swanky socks.
50. Does practice make it perfect?
Perfection is unreasonable as a goal. However practice does improve ability and hone talent.

51. Do you believe in angels?
In a sense
52. Explain your url.
I assumed my family would disown me when/if I transitioned so I had chosen a name not associated with my birth name or life and used it online for years as my username everywhere.
53. Order or chaos?
Organized chaos.
54. Black or white?
Rainbows and grey scale.
55. Is there a one that got away?
I am the one that got away.
56. Are birds cute or annoying?
Ducks are cute. Herons are beautiful. Waterfowl in general, I have gained appreciation for (except geese), but domestic birds I detest.
57. Does the other sex make you nervous?
People make me nervous only when they are an unknown quantity.
58. Past, present or future?
Ugh. I don't want any of it.
59. Do you care about the big picture or your close territory?
Details.
60. Cute or sexy?
What is this question supposed to be even?

61. How do you drink your coffee or tea?
I don't drink coffee, and I am allergic to tea.
62. What makes you smile every time?
Puns, music, and art.
63. Do you like people coming up to you for help?
Quite a bit, but I'm not sure why exactly. I get bossy.
64. Are you comfortable talking about sex?
Absolutely unless/until it becomes apparent that someone is trying to flirt with me, and then I get super uncomfortable.
65. Are you open to new things?
Absolutely NOT.
66. Post four selfies (or pictures) that you originally took to your friends.
Okay. First the photograph of the intact sand dollar I found at the beach right as I began my medical transition; a symbol of new beginnings that I still have and will be carefully shadowboxing with this photograph.



And my second favorite thing naturescapes, specifically winter sunrise and sunset.



67. Are there any movie scenes that make you cry every time?
Yes I avoid movies that make me cry.
68. Do you have friends you consider as family?
Yes, my best friend Osaka, her brother Wotan, Steve, and many many people from my livejournal friendslist.
69. Are you a morning person?
Ah no. If I am awake in morning it is because I must be for work or because I have not slept.
70. Heavy or light sleeper?
I don't know. I don't sleep well. I have sleep apnea but it hasn't been properly diagnosed so it's not being treated yet.

Ace

I have a huge backlog of emotion that I am trying to process. Two weeks ago I had an accidental gap in one of my medications that was corrected but caused some havoc hormonally and emotionally. It's been sorted but it made a mess of me in conjunction with finals and other things going on.

Some of the emotional stuff is in regards to my upcoming move at the end of spring semester. Some of it is stuff I never processed from just before fall semester started, and some of it is realizations I had while doing research for the big English projects for my English 111 class.

I did my projects on Asexuality as a sexual identity. Those who know me, know that I have been married, have dated, have had romantic interest, and those who know me very very well, know that having sexual attraction has always been a tricky thing for me. I just.. either I do or I don't. I have had sexual interest maybe twice in my lifetime and it was a fleeting feeling, like a sneeze that doesn't happen.

I did my huge essays, my power point, my big counts for the big grades projects on asexuality, on the research that is already out there, and then my own opinion piece as my final project, and I realized in doing this, that I am never ever going to be happy in a relationship. I am super interested in romance, in relationships, in intimacy, but not in anything at all to do with sexual relationships. It squicks me out. I've tried it. I don't like it. My stuff doesn't work correctly. I don't enjoy it.

I have zero issues with other people having their relationships and romance and that including sexual intimacy but I don't want to negotiate that minefield. I don't want it. My stuff is broken. It always has been. I have less than zero interest in any goings past a friendly hug or maybe leaning into a friend to watch a film and I can do that with a FRIEND. So I'm done.

I'm not going to put my health and safety at risk on the off-chance that someone is willing to put up with dealing with my very specific needs of non-sex. Like, not ever. So I just won't date. I will go to school, and get a degree, and be a translator, or a teacher or both, or do something else, I don't know.

It's so rare for me to find anyone that I have any genuine interest in anyway and the odds of that person being interested in me too are not in my favor, let alone the odds that they would be fine with what I need. So I just won't.

This is the end of Fall 2015 Semester~!

All of my grades are final except for my English grade, which I believe should be up by.. Saturday. I think my professor said he had to have them in by tomorrow so maybe they will show by then. I'm not sure how that works on the college level.

Pending confirmation, I can tentatively say that I have worked very hard at the cost of my health and sanity and produced A's in ALL of my classes. In English before my final is graded, my weighted average is 101%.

I really enjoyed English 111. I had a great professor, an incredibly patient man, who was willing to work with me, was patient when I was confused, and helped me when I needed clarification and extra review, on assignments via e-mail. I realize that I can't expect that from the average professor which makes me all the more thankful for having gotten to know this one. I give him a Christmas card, with a link to the family blog, and also asked if I could keep in touch via e-mail and maybe facebook if he was comfortable since I would no longer be his student.

I also really enjoyed my classes with my ASL professor, and will dearly miss her, but I was unable to learn enough ASL to communicate my desire to keep in touch clearly. So, I may see if her facebook is public next semester and send a friends request then. I know that she keeps in touch with many former students as they tend to flock to catch up at the Silent Dinners and other Deaf Events, and I can understand it. She's a nice woman, very sweet, friendly, and makes learning a very difficult language fun. She is also incredibly patient, and despite the minor language barrier (she is fluent in written English as well, but profoundly Deaf), is excellent at understanding beginning students who have only gesture and confusion to communicate with.

I can't celebrate properly until I see my final English grade but I am excited. I set out to get straight As and until I am told otherwise, and despite SERIOUS setbacks I did exactly that. Now I can go and enjoy Mr B's first CD (he gave me a copy of his first CD in class today, which I asked about earlier this semester, and I will be tracking down his new release very soon) and ponder some thoughts that were brought up by all the research I did for my final English projects.

In regards to school, I have dropped *ASL 3  for spring semester and am taking a slightly lighter course load so that I can prepare for my move back to Texas without the stress of the move and finals killing me towards the end. I have three, 3 credit hour courses now, instead of four, and so will have a total of 9 credit hours for spring semester instead of 12.

I have a huge post that I need to write later about my English project(s) but I want to get back what I turned in today first, because I want to see further comments from Mr B (if there are any) before I share my thoughts.

*I told some ASL classmates that I had dropped ASL 3 and they called me a quitter and refused to let me explain my COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE HEALTH REASONS.

I’m only taking a short break to get my health on track and focusing on other classes in my native language. I will come back to ASL once I am in Texas seeing my specialist(s) and no longer have the health issues of brain reverting to English in panic mode when I stand up for presentations.

I KNOW the signs. I’m just not capable of signing them when I go tachycardic, and lightheaded and my brain switches to lock down mode.

USPS Mail Sorter

To the USPS Mail Sorter that mistook the folded up letter from my aunt for a gift-card (which is mentioned in the Christmas card but not found in the already torn open envelope) you are an ASS.

It's nice to know that the once yearly information I get from my aunt in California is worth Federal mail tampering charges should you be caught. I'm assuming you pocketed it with other stolen gift cards and the like and will discover it's actually about family health and how she is doing and personal stuff once you check the spoils of your ill gotten goods.

Thank you for at least letting me have the card from her, since it's the only correspondence I receive from my father's side of my family.

No love, Rory.

Doll Arrivals and last week of school BLAAAARGFFFF

Today, the items I ordered in group orders from WAY earlier this year on Ravelry via group order arrived safely. Among the items are a Loongsoul Beck Centaur with unicorn horn, and two sets of antlers and three different tail types. I will have him as an Albino Deertaur. I also have a brown Camillia Dynasty Sage (Yo-SD scaled pony) which will be painted up to be a tiny Epona, and a little cat to ride around on Robbie's head. The cat is painted so I can do a photo of that I suppose.



The others will have to wait as my camera is not charged, and I still have school work I need to work on I have an essay to polish for English, and a story to polish for ASL (to sign for my last video to be recorded in class Monday evening), and tomorrow morning I have a sign language event and just.. last week of school. @_@

Spring semester starts in January then goes through to I believe May, and then I will be back in Texas. I may be shuffling my class schedule before school starts. I signed up for a full 12 credit hours, 4 classes of 3 credit hours apiece and I'm struggling at the end of this semester juggling just two 3 credit classes. =_=

I haven't bought my spring books yet or put my Spring schedule in at work yet so I can still tweak if I need to.

ALSO TODAY I REFILLED ALL THE PRESCRIPTIONS. Super productive.

Left ankle, you're fired.

I don't know who gave my left ankle permission to fall out from under me again as I was walking to the bus stop on the way to work but that's not the way to get a day off. ;)

In all seriousness though, I am really tired of my joints doing this to me, and my falling on pavement or who knows where, frequently alone where I can't easily get assistance if I am really hurt. I got away this time with scuffed knee, palms and a braced ankle, but it could have been far worse.

Mental Health.

I have tipped over until fully blown not-functional. I knew it was coming but wasn't sure when exactly. It happened.. Wednesday? on the 2nd I think. I ended up calling out of work because of migraine. I worked slowly and painfully on schoolwork and went to class. That was painful. I got home and flipped out on Osaka. I cried. I don't remember much. I apologized. I woke up Tuesday and went to class. I flipped out. I cried. I had my English professor baby-step me through salvaging my project so half of that is done (the powerpoint half), and now I need to write a rhetorical analysis essay on it. I also need to write an essay for ASL over the weekend.

Also Pherret is in town for the weekend. I am ... not functional enough to process anything about that, but I am happy to see him and I hope that I am appropriately expressing that. He accidentally triggered me this evening, and I don't know how to say anything about it because he was trying to be honest about a serious thing and I appreciate that, but it was alarming and I can't process it. So..

I have two essays to write. I need to pick from a selection of topics for ASL, and write a 3 page essay for that, and also do my analysis of my powerpoint for English. Anyone have ideas on how to focus when your world is crumbling at your feet?

This sensation feels an awful lot like falling.

Currently stumbling backwards into a pit of self doubt with a precipice of glimmering future balanced on a razor wire in front of me to grab hold of. It's only going to hurt like like hell either way.

More Thorough Medical Information

In a previous entry, I wrote briefly about the details of my two ER visits in the last month. As I think I said in that entry I had a neurology appointment set for November 19th.

In keeping with health disclosure, last night while I was in ASL class I had what was described to me as a seizure. I'm not sure which kind of seizure, but several classmates noticed it, one of them a nurse, and another a mother of a child with a seizure disorder. I don't remember the incident, just that my classmates kept asking me if I was okay. I had been rubbing my eyes, as the overhead projector was flickering it hurt my eyes. I had taken off my glasses and was holding my head in my hands trying not to look up at it, because it hurt to look at, and I was told after class that I froze for a several second period, as well as visibly clenching my jaw,  and then resumed rubbing at my eyes as though nothing had happened. There was no obvious reason to freeze, the teacher wasn't signing at that moment, there was nothing that should have grabbed my attention, and I don't remember the incident at all. I told the classmate that approached me that I had an appointment with a neurologist in the morning and would tell him of it.

This morning I woke up after not enough sleep (night time class), and Osaka went with me to my neurology appointment because I had nerves and she is an incredibly good and supportive friend. When we arrived I had a bit of.. unsettlement as there was someone singing and playing the guitar in one of the adjacent rooms and it felt a little like music therapy in a mental hospital, which did not help my nerves at all.

The staff were very friendly though, not at all judgmental, and we didn't have to wait long at all. It was really bizarre (in a good way) to see my doctor at the actual time of the scheduled appointment.

I don't remember much detail from the appointment because I was stressed out and in quite a bit of pain. Osaka said I was wibbly; kind of quiet and.. trembly sounding.

The doctor took a moment to look over the information I brought in. Some was requested, but I had also typed up a summation of my side effects on the new medication, and an up to date list of medications and dosages, which did not match what the hospital had on file. He entered all of that in there, and asked questions about family history. I mentioned that my youngest sister had a diagnosis of epilepsy, and went over details in the medical history of myself and close family members.

Once that was through he asked me to take off my shoes and socks, stand up, and walk toe to heel to the other side of the room, and then back again. I had a very difficult time staying upright and imagine that I was flailing my arms for balance. I think he asked if I felt dizzy and that I told him I did.

Then he asked me to sit on the medical..table? The thing you sit on at the Dr's office, and he checked my reflexes, did that touch my finger, touch your nose test, looked at my eyes with the lights on and off, and then told me I could sit back down and put my shoes back on. I think he did some other test stuff but I can't clearly remember.

After I had my shoes back on he said that while he didn't think it was epilepsy he did have a theory, but it required extensive testing and he was concerned because of my lack of insurance that the cost might be prohibitive.

He asked if I had looked into insurance and I explained that I've been jumping through hoops for about two weeks trying to get insured either through the government insurance or state medicare. At this point I am eligible for healthcare through the government market but can't afford it. I do not make enough money to qualify for the tax credit to afford it. Also Virginia opted out of offering anything other than family planning(or preventing) care, so.. I'm not eligible for that either, or rather I could get on it but it wouldn't cover ANY of what I need, so I didn't continue the application for that. It didn't help that the person reviewing my case was poverty-shaming me.

Anyway he said he was certainly willing to work with me, and do tests as I can come up with money for them or manage to get insurance. He prescribed two new medications for my migraines (no doubt at all that I am experiencing actual migraines), and we scheduled a followup in two months time to hopefully do the first test that will either eliminate or confirm epilepsy. He said that on the brain level epilepsy and migraines are very similar, but he suspects what I actually had was something called POTS or postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.He believes I very probably also have sleep apnea which makes things worse for both migraines and POTS if that is indeed what I have.

The EKG(?) test for epilepsy would cost between $150-300 he guessed, for someone with no insurance, and he said the sleep apnea test would be in the thousands. He did say that insurance would almost definitely cover all of the tests I need at a very reduced rate, so if I am able I should try to get insurance. I think that I have exhausted all of my insurance options at the moment.

So I am left with the quandary of what to do. I am going to try and pull together money for the epilepsy test by my January followup appointment, and go from there I guess. I did want answers and I got some, but nothing is firm without proper testing. So.. in the meantime I do at least have better migraine medication. I think I'm taking what Ashbet takes for hers (please feel free to confirm or deny in the comments!). In fact right after I left my doctor's appointment, I texted in order Mom because I promised I would, and Ashbet because I know she is aware of POTS, and might have some insight.

It was really nice to be taken seriously. I have spent the majority of my life being told I am being melodramatic, or a hypochondriac, or just.. ignored. I was taken seriously, treated with respect, and I feel validated that NO, there IS something physically wrong, thank you very much.

Fun fact. There are 15 hospitals in the US with a POTS specialist. My hospital of choice is one of them.

Follow up with neurologist in two months.

After putting all my data into the hospital computer system, my doctor did a quick evaluation and said that while it COULD be a seizure disorder, he was more inclined to think it was postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome or (POTS) along with a likely diagnosis of sleep apnea. Further testing is required. Lack of insurance has pushed testing back so I can try to come up with the funds or insurance. Testing without insurance would cost into the thousands of dollars. He also prescribed imitrex and topamax in the mean time to help with my migraines. There are apparently generics available for both so I'm hoping I can scrape together enough to pick those up.

Thinking about dolls and the future.

First I want to thank everyone who has been able to assist us. Because of your incredibly generous efforts we will be able to pay some of the due bills and also eat, and for that we are incredibly thankful. I continue to be so very thankful to have friends who are able and willing to assist in many different ways, and I want each of you to know that I would not hesitate for a moment to do the same for any of you. I care deeply for my friends, and if you are seeing this message, you are among those. 

Completely unrelated to my gratitude above, I’ve realized that I really need to play with my dolls more. I was poking at Den of Angels updating some details in my profile and realized that of dolls I’ve purchased over the last several years, the only one that I have really and truly played with in that time is October, and more recently Owen. I only have “Look faceup” photos for many of my dolls, and that is just sad. 

I realized this because I received notice that a doll (two actually) that I had on layaway from awhile back, were finally shipped from the company to the person who organized the group order, and I was thinking that while I am certainly excited to receive them, I haven’t really done much with any of the dolls I’ve gotten in the last several years because of work and now school. I miss my dolls. 

I’m strongly considering going through the resin bits box and selling off bits and pieces I bought for characters that never happened. I have a handful of rolling heads, with characters in mind, but I have no intention of buying their bodies until I am OUT of school, so.. I find myself wondering if I should really be hanging onto them or if I should let them go to people who would appreciate them. It’s something I will have to think over hard. My collection is large, and we don’t have much space in our apartment. 

Also it’s very likely that I will be moving at the end of this first school year and the details are not set on that so it might be worthwhile to have less things to have to pack come June(ish). Nothing is set yet and the details are quiet for now because I need to focus on getting through the rest of Fall 2015 semester and all the way through Spring 2016 semester. 

One thing that I am planning, is to get my driver’s license this spring. I never have, and I may not always be able to drive depending on medications, but I would like to have the option, and depending on where I live, I may not have access to public transport. I’m also planning to get my US Passport to make things easier when I move. All of my legal documentation is changed at the federal level, and having the US Passport as my main identification will help in getting hassle-free ID in my new state regardless of where I end up.

Financial Assistance

In the interest of full disclosure, and not being privately shamed via PM, I am asking for help again without a crowdfunding site. They take a percentage, and require you to post to facebook, and while I am not ashamed of asking for help when I need it, I don't appreciate someone messaging me specifically to try to evoke a feeling of shame, as happened when I was asking for assistance (even just a signal boost) to help pay for my medical bills from my most recent bout with pneumonia.

So here's the situation. The past two weekends I have ended up in the ER. The first weekend it was on Saturday, and I had called out of work Friday due to migraine. Generally I work through them for school and work but I had gone past my point of functioning days past by that Friday, and my medicine had long-since stopped helping. So, due to unknown factors I kept passing out, and someone at work REALIZED this, and they made me go to the hospital.

The ER sedated me and released me after giving me a "standard migraine cocktail" intravenously. I ended up stumbling towards home still heavily drugged and realized as I reached the school library (my ER of choice is right next to my school) that I was in a state and should probably not be up and walking around, and so I waited at the bus stop there for the correct bus, and managed to get home somehow. No one was the least bit amused.

If I recall correctly the first ER visit I got a small script for something that was supposed to help with the migraines but it just made me feel sick, so I stopped taking it after 2 days.

So.. I missed several days of work that weekend. I went to school, and then by Sunday (last weekend) I just.. could not function anymore. I got dressed, I called work and told them I was going to the ER because I was getting worse (which was true), and I called a friend and asked them to please drop me at the ER because the buses do not run on Sunday and I was not well enough to walk the 2 miles to the hospital. My friend picked me up and dropped me off, and I waited about 3 hours until I just could not take any more anything and inquired politely if there was somewhere quieter I could wait.

I ended up being put into a quiet and dark room for a few minutes and then I was escorted to a proper ER patient room and left to change and sit for about a half hour. I was listless and speaking in a pained whisper by that point, and my eyes were rolling around in my head as I tried to block out the light with anything I could. A nurse came in and asked some questions about why I had come back so soon, and what exactly my complaints of pain were, and then they sent me for a CT scan.

After the scan, the doctor came in and gave me a once over, had me trying to focus my eyes on her face, then her finger, touching it, touching my nose, touching her finger again in a new location, and bringing my finger back to my face, etc. I don't know what this test does exactly but she seemed displeased by the results. She went mentioned a bunch of migraine drugs that do NOT work for bi-polar people (usually) and I said so, as I'd done research after the first ER visit, and she said she would look into low cost options with generics after I told her I could not afford to go get medicine.

She left and came back, and told me she thought she had found the right drug, and then she had a nurse give me something to sedate me, because I still had not been given anything for the pain or to help in any way. They took blood before the medicine, and after the CT scan. The CT scan came back clean, no legions, masses, or bleeds.

Then I think I slept for about 2 hours. People came and went, because I remember the light going on and off, but I don't recall details. I was heavily drugged and began to feel some relief. They let me sleep off the worst of the sedation and made VERY sure that I had in fact secured a ride home this time, and then I came home. 6 hours had passed at the ER.

Both trips were absolutely necessary. Both trips cost me most of my working hours for this paycheck. I still need to see the neurologist. I need to come up with money for the copay, and food.

I have applied for food stamps again, and medicaid or medicare (the one that doesn't require disability) through the state and will hear back from them on Tuesday according to the call I received today.

In the meantime Osaka and I are in dire straights. Between my medical costs, and her HAVING to be home with her special needs son, we are having a very difficult time finding rent each month let alone money for food, clothes, electricity..

Those who know us, know that Osaka has worked as much as possible, and that her son has made it impossible to work outside of the home. She was doing daycare out of the home earlier this year, but the family was on a waitlist on base, and got into that, so that ended. She has been dutifully putting in applications and has had some interviews and is waiting to hear back from one that would allow her to work from home with a fairly flexible schedule.

In the mean time rent is overdue, my check won't even pay my phone bill, and we have no money for food. This is not a matter of not trying or not caring. We have managed to pull through as things have gotten tighter and tighter for three years now.

What we need (aside from being approved for help with food and medical) is a bit of help for the next few months. We know that things will be fine by February once I get my I'm a Student tax return, and she gets hers for her work this year, with the child tax credit, but from December to February we are going to have a very difficult time.

If anyone is willing or able to assist, via signal boost or donation, would appreciate any help. I hate feeling like I'm begging for help, but we are in desperation at this point.

Anyone who wants to help can link back to this post, or make a discreet donation via paypal (rorekgwolfe(AT)gmail(DOT)com). ALL assistance is appreciated.

Quick ER Update

I went back to the ER on Sunday because I hit a solid 10 on the pain scale and just couldn't... anything. 

A good friend took me to the ER where I waited 3 hours, was quietly put in the "family" waiting room because noise pain (this is a room where they to you someone has died I was told), and then was rolled into a room and left for a half hour or so. 

A nurse popped in and asked some questions about my medicines, shined a light at my eyes, took blood, and left again.

A bit later the Doctor came in to see me and asked why I had come back so soon and I explained how I was drugged and released last time and asked for them to please do some tests, some kind of answer and maybe try something else for the migraine.

I got about 5 hours of initial relief, and the migraine came back but not as strong. The dr thinks my fioricet with codeine may be the culprit in the never-ending migraine loop. It's the codeine and magic bipolar brain going LOL NOPE THIS MEDICINE NO WORK NOW LOLOLO. 

She prescribed two medicines to take daily, one twice a day, the other thrice daily, and prescribed enough to get me through to my neurologist appointment on the 19th.

Edit: The medicines names, the generic at least are Diclofeniac 100mg and Gabapentin 100mg. I believe in that order based on what my pharmacy receipt shows, reflecting price of pills.

I don't even know.

What is the opposite of homesick? Not quite a rhetorical question.

There is a very very very small part of me that misses some aspects of Texas. The rest of me would be dragged back kicking and screaming and crying. What I miss primarily are my family members and a few select very special friends, some from childhood, but most from my very dear internet family that have all somehow settled in my home backyard across the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex.

What I do not miss? The heat, the culture. The constant judgment real or not, that I have felt with every fiber of my being since I was wee. The bugs in the summer.

I miss my family. I'm missing so so much of my family. I have seen my youngest niece a handful of times, and my two nephews by blood even less so.

Where would I go? What would I do? Could I stand to be in Texas again as the man I am, versus the person who left 10 years ago? Would I falter? Would I fall? Have I grown enough to endure? I don't know. I don't really want to think about it.

I like Virginia Beach. I love the culture. I love the people (for the most part). I love the ocean being so close I can TASTE it in the summer and feel it in the winter.

What about somewhere else? Do I still want to move to England? Do I want to move somewhere else entirely? Could I make it on the West Coast? What do I need to do? What do I want to do?

Do I feel like a complete human being? Am I healthy enough to live on my own? Am I healthy enough to advocate for myself as needed in ANY circumstance? Where do I go from here?

This is not about school by the way. I have straight As for the semester and have been busting my butt to maintain them. School is fine.

Also I don't know if I mentioned it here but last weekend I passed out at work and went to the ER. They drugged me and released me after determining that I needed to see a neurologist and ruling out head trauma from my falling. I never struck my head. I have an appointment on Nov 19th to have I don't even know what kinds of tests done. I need to pull a $60 copay out of somewhere for that. Atypical migraine symptoms, dizziness, halos, disrupted speech, and lasting and intense pain that did not respond to ANY medication (including the cocktail they gave me in hospital). So.. need to figure that out. The appointment conflicts with my English class but my professor is understanding of the circumstance and is willing to work with me in regards to it.

Properly Introducing Marek (April Story Fall)

This has been more than slightly delayed because of school, health, and work. Finally introducing Marek!

Osaka painted him up for me a couple of weeks ago and we put in some temp eyes and I gave him some temp clothes and then this evening I finished up a wig that Osaka put together for me until I can find the right fiber wig. I like the fur wig look just fine, but I have a particular look that I want for him, and it's hard to do with the faux fur.

Anyway pics!









Marek: "Why are you wearing my shirt?"
Robbie: "Have you seen my pants?" T_T;;

Vikings

I have decided that I want some gorgeous Scandinavian Vikings. In doll form of course.

I've settled on Iplehouse EID Akando on the super hero body with real skin (light tan) color, icy blue eyes, and silky blond hair down to his waist. Also EID Arvid in maybe normal skin with Auburn or ginger hair and beardscruff. Both will have chest/torso scarring from stupid teenage adventures, in skinny-dippying with murderous mermaids. Akando will have a deep piercing wound(scar) at about lung level on his right side. Arvin will have a deep slash (scar) from groin to collarbone deeper at the top, and both will have much less severe scars scattered across limbs and faces. I had already determined that my Amelia was descendent from Vikings so they fit nicely there as part of her village. I fancy the blond being her uncle and Arvin being uncle's best friend.

Also since in The Forest no one wears furs or leathers they could have lovely bulky knit tunics for warmth with fitting trousers or leggings.  Mostly I just want a pair of gorgeous scarred up Vikings.

ASL is going well I think.

For my last couple of ASL classes, I've had earplugs in because of migraines but I think I may just wear them for each class now. It helps deflect distracting noises and forces myself and my classmates to sign and gesture instead of sign and whisper if our instructor can't see..

I asked our instructor if I was being rude by using earplugs and she said I was fine whether I needed them medically or not. It was a huge relief.

I attended my first Silent Dinner and Deaf Culture Event on Friday and was horrified that another first year class was using English speech and ASL interchangably. As I understand it, they are learning at a slower pace, a full semester for ASL 101, whereas we are learning ASL 101 and 102 back to back for this semester.

We have finally begun to pick up speed and are learning past abcs, and early numbers. It's still mostly social things, how to identify someone, how to ask interests, etc but it is actually feeling like progress now.

I am relieved. So far my grades are shaking out across my courses as solid A, and I'm going to do all I can to study and keep up. I think I've found a good groove with my homework and I haven't missed an assignment yet.

My English 111 class is my only non-condensed course so I'm actually ahead there.. It's hard work and I'm terrified of falling into old school habits but I think I might be doing okay.

Marek arrived safely today!

My April Story Fall arrived today, and I will try to have photos up soon, like in the next week. Osaka and I have figured what kind of faceup he needs, and if weather cooperates that will happen some time this weekend. I don't have the eyes I thought I wanted for him (he was going to have blue eyes) but I did have some that fit really well in him for right now, so at the moment he has light grey eyes. I think I know where I got them so I should be able to get his blue eyes in the near future.

No introduction yet, but his name is Marek, and he will be introduced once he has a faceup and pants. He will have a fur wig initially, because money, but I will hopefully find an appropriate wig for him in short order.

Marek will be my aging goth, with careful faceup work to give him subtle crows feet by the eyes, and some gentle aging. He is a bit taller than I expected, and his head is a bit smaller than I expected, but a big fluffy wig will help, and it may seem less obvious once he is clothed and faceupped and all done. :)

Osaka and I did some poking at astrology and determined he would be a Taurus, so his birthday would be May 18th, just picking based on descriptions that matched how I've seen him. This works well as Taurus and Cancer are a good romantic match.

As soon as I have pants made, and hair (with or without face) I will share him.

ALSO I need to do a 10 year anniversary photoshoot with Ro. He turned 10 on August 29th. So.. I need to make that happen. I've been distracted with school and work so that may not happen until some of my classes finish up. @_@

College first final grade.

One of my final grades posted yesterday evening. I have a 98% Average in my Math course, which is basically a condensed refresher on pre-algebra. I have the next condensed Math course starting next Tuesday. My test counted for 80% of my score which means I got one problem wrong. That is about standard for me. I get the simple stuff mixed up.

I realized today that only one of my 6 courses this semester is not a condensed course. My English 111 is a standard full semester. College Success Skills is a bit over half the semester. My ASL 101 and 102 are straight half semester 3 hour lecture courses, and both math classes condense a year of math skills into 3 weeks.

It's no wonder I've felt under pressure... It should be noted the only ones I knew were condensed were the Math classes... I overheard some classmates discussing how a previous college ASL course had been a full semester and roughly 1.5 hours per lecture.

I'm the dumbest smart person I know. :P

Signing in my sleep and joint dislocations.

I woke up signing in my sleep. I'd woken a bit earlier over-heated from having closed the bedroom door, and having gotten up I took some ibuprofen for pain. Then I went back to bed and woke again after awhile realizing I was repetitively signing "cat" against my face.

I can distinctly remember that I was signing to my Ravelry friend Barleystonks, with whom I have been practicing my ASL. I was trying to articulate that I did not currently have any cats, just stuffed animals. I had signed "cat" repeatedly, and was specifying brand name as I learned in class on Thursday, by finger spelling Sanrio, Hello Kitty, and Chococat. I remember grabbing at stuffies on my bed in a half-wake dream and gesturing to them before signing which they were, and I woke as shooting pain went through my left shoulder.

As it turns out sleep-signing is not the worst thing I could be doing. I accidentally partially dislocated my left shoulder the other night in my sleep through normal sleep movement and didn't quite realize why I was in such pain until after a full shift of work and and having a study session with a classmate. I ended up having to carefully work it back into socket by rolling on the floor and massaging the shoulder while trying to shift it back into place.

Pro-tip. Dislocations hurt and tend to swell angrily once you have "fixed" them. Also I tend to be more prone to injury in the same place after this happens once or twice. My beloved sister Faythe has similar joint issues and has dislocated limbs in her sleep as well. I am a violent sleeper and I need help. x_x

This course is stupid and mandatory.

In doing my weekend homework between work shifts I finally came to my Student Development Course which is basically psycho-analyzing the student population for the first semester of school. I skimmed the course textbook (WAAAAYYYY OVERPRICED) and it's a bunch of psuedo-psychological crap from cover to cover. This is a required course for every single student getting a degree or certification and it is a huge waste of time and money.

I was rage-facing just completing and submitting my weekly assignment. I got to a point of blind rage and had to call it quits. I will need to double check my class submissions but I think I have one more assignment I need to complete by Tuesday.

How can you be paying for school and not take it seriously?

I keep ending up seated next to people who aren't taking the class seriously and are either openly mocking the professors or just talking loudly over them. I kind of want to throat punch them.

We're still friends, so please don't make it awkward.

July 31st, Steve and I discussed our long-term life goals and our current busy schedules and determined that we had reached a point of life differences enough that we decided to amicably part ways. We have been friends for nearly 10 years, and dated for 3 of those years, so I don't want to see any trash talk in either direction. We're still very good friends and this came after several hours of rational discussion about what we are currently each doing and needing to do, and where we both want to be in the next few years. We will continue to be friends and interact, and enjoy each others company when we can.

Although it was a peaceful parting, I would still like some time to process this before I have to talk about it with anyone. Thank you, and have a great weekend!

Short Medical Update

Since my last post I have received the rest of the medical bills. In total I owe close to $25,000, so my initial guestimate of $15,000 was lowballing. I will tweak my YouCare page accordingly but I honestly don't expect to raise much more than I already have.

Thank you to everyone who has helped, shared, prayed, and generally wished me well. I appreciate you.

I turned 32.

I posted an update earlier today to my YouCare crowdfunding page since I have finally received my medical bill(s) from the hospital. I've not gotten anything regarding the followup at the ER so I am guesstimating based on what the ER visit from the first trip cost. Anything "extra" if I manage to actually gather all of what I need would go to current medical costs and cost of living.

Thank you again to everyone who has been able to assist, either financially or via signal boosting. I have gotten some generous donations which helped offset the cost of some of my recovery and medications when I got out of the hospital.

In Non-Medical things, yesterday (July 14th) was my 32nd birthday and I had a ridiculous epiphany as I was getting up in the morning.

I looked in the mirror as I do almost every birthday and reflected on what young me, at various ages (5, 8, 10, mostly pre-puberty) would have thought of who I am and how it differs from who I expected to be.

I realized as I was pondering that I never really processed the moment when I became legally male according to the Federal government and all current identification. I mean I went through all the steps and went GOOD it's DONE, but I never actually processed it.

If you had told five-year-old me that I would grow up to be a relatively well adjusted MAN who was comfortable with who he was, and what he was doing with his life, who had friends who loved and accepted him for who he is, friends all over the world, all over the US, five-year-old me would have looked you in the eye and told you that you shouldn't lie.

And yet, it's all true. I have friends all over the world who love me, accept me, respect me, and treat me as a Human being worthy of respect, friendship, and love. My support group, my allies, are more than I can count in number, and all of them are true friends. Many of them have helped with my health, both physical and mental, and many of them are on my "Seriously need to hang out with before I move overseas" list.

I had a very quiet 32nd birthday. A friend took me, and Osaka, and Ringo out for a nice lunch, and then I came home and had a nap. It was a blessedly quiet day. And it was the first birthday where I realized that legally I'm done. I will always have health maintenance in regards to transitioning but also in regards to being bipolar, and having asthma, and a thyroid condition etc. What I have left is medical and psychiatric stuff. Legally I am male, and it's all I have ever wanted out of life. Life is worth living.

How Marriage Equality Doesn't Affect You, Religiously.

I know that there are lots of people with feelings about SCOTUS decision to legalize Marriage Equality.

Someone on facebook by the name of Jessica Mathews said it better than I could, so here is their post, with my thoughts after:

"I say this with sincere love to my many friends who are passionate fundamentalist Christians who believe that the SCOTUS’s decision yesterday on marriage equality is an abomination to themselves and to God: As a lawyer, I need to attempt to set the record straight.

Our country was created by our founding fathers very deliberately to prevent the establishment of a national religion from our governance. The Church - Catholic or Anglican - was central to almost every other country in the world historically, especially England from which our founding fathers separated. It was critical to our founding fathers that one central religion NOT be declared and NOT be incorporated into our Constitution or governance. They understood that an establishment of a national religion would ultimately abridge the very rights they believed were fundamental and were meant to be recognized and protected by the Bill of Rights and ultimately the Constitution.

Religion-based loss of basic rights had been their experience in England and they wanted to prevent that here.

The fact is that this decision yesterday was a LEGAL decision about the scope of our Constitutional rights as humans and US citizens. It was not about religion, religious beliefs or religious freedom. It is about equal rights, just as the decisions to give women the vote and the decision to abolish slavery were about equal rights.

Rights are not and should not be up for a popular vote or up to the states to determine. Rights are absolute and cannot be dependent upon anything other than the fact that the person is a human being and is a citizen of the US. If those two conditions are met, YOUR belief system about what is MORALLY or spiritually right or wrong does not matter and should not. You should be glad that is the case, because it would be just as easy for another religion to take over and curtail your rights as a Christian (something that has happened throughout history).

In fact, one religious party believing they know the truth for all humans is how terrible oppression starts - that is how Naziism started, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Klu Klux Klan, Al-Qaeda and now ISIS - the most destructive, hateful, murderous periods of human history have arisen directly out of one religious group (ironically, most of these examples were lead by Christians) believing their religion and religious beliefs were THE truth, and therefore they had the right to take away the rights (and lives) of those who lived or believed differently than them.

Our founding fathers wanted to prevent that outcome. So does our current Supreme Court. THAT is the law of the land and I could not be more grateful to be an American than when human rights are protected. I don’t have to agree with you to believe with all my heart and soul that YOUR rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness should be protected against oppression or prejudice. LGBT US citizens deserve exactly the same treatment. God Bless America.

p.s. Those railing against the decision of marriage equality as a basic constitutional right are confusing the idea of constitutional (i.e human) rights with certain types of behavior (the stuff they call "sin"). But human rights are inherent in all human beings and US citizens - not doled out based on who is behaving "well" and who isn't. All US citizens should have the equal right to pursue life, liberty and happiness, regardless of the "sins" they commit. The only behavior that should curtail your constitutional rights is if you commit a crime (a felony) and are convicted. But even then, criminals can still marry, have kids, own property, work and live in our communities. The only things they can't do is vote and carry firearms. If committing a sin was a barrier to receiving basic constitutional rights in this country, we would all be in big trouble, not just the LGBT community."

In contrast to the legal breakdown above and the opinions associated with it, I will say this. Nowhere in any of the decision to pass marriage equality did SCOTUS infringe upon each and every religion's right to CHOOSE which marriage ceremonies to perform.

No religion will be forced to perform ceremonies they would not already be performing. There are some Christian sects, and other religions that do practice same sex marriage as well as heterosexual marriage, and these would be the options for people who want a religious ceremony to seek out.

Just as I could not try to have a traditional Jewish wedding as a non-Jewish person, I could not go to the Catholic, Mormon, or Muslim church, or temple, or synagogue and ask for them to perform a same sex marriage or union.

There is no risk to your religion by granting me the same legal FEDERAL rights that you are entitled to, and if you want to argue that NO one should have those Federal rights that is a different argument entirely.  No one is going to be pounding on the doors of the church and demanding that their marriage be performed in that chapel if the religion forbids that union. This is the epitome of separation of church and state.

I can now legally do what I have already done once, and go find somewhere, anywhere and have a ceremony celebrating the union of two people and forming a legal bond. I went to a Justice of the Peace when I married the first time. I will be seeking a consenting Christian church to perform my second wedding ceremony. My fiance and I both highly respect and wish to have the Christian ceremony if we can. However we will not be asking anyone who would not be allowed or willing to perform this ceremony either in the UK or the US.

If that means that I get married by a civil servant who writes us some nice vows throwing in appropriate respectful scriptures about living a good clean life and respecting your spouse and potential family then that is what we will do.

It would be illegal for the United States Government to demand ANY church of any religion to perform these unions and I am 100% in agreement with that. I fully support the right of everyone to live by their beliefs and I would not ask any religious leader to do something out of bounds like that.

I'm probably speaking in circles and if I am, I apologize. I just wanted to make it clear that while I am so very very happy to finally have equal rights in this, I want my loved ones to rest easy knowing that their religious freedom is safe. This is still the USA, and Religious Freedom is still a very big deal.

I just saw my projected paystub for this Friday's paycheck.

I posted a brief update to my You Caring fundraiser to the effect of HELP PLEASE.

The long and short of it is that I am back at work so my check AFTER this one will be normal sized, but this one is about $500 less than my usual pay. So.. I desperately need some help. If I can raise between $200-$300 by the first then I can pay necessary bills like rent, and food, and will be back on track in two weeks when I am paid again.

I still don't have a final number from the hospital, in part because of my second ER visit and the followup visit to the other clinic which was apparently billed to Sentara Princess Anne Hospital.

Any help at all whether signal boosting, or even $1 helps very very much. I really hate to ask, but I'm in a very tight spot with bills due, and while I am working NOW, that doesn't really do anything for the bills due now.

Being hospitalized, and then home healing was absolutely the right thing to do for my health, but it's hurting me and Osaka (and her son, and the dogs) now because I am the only person with income. So please help as you can, and thank you all very much!

Geez I haven't been online in over a week it feels like.

Oh wow, I just realized it's been 10 days since I posted anything. Sorry about that!

I have been slowly healing. On June 10th, I had my follow up at a clinic a bit out of the way, and their "follow up" was to take blood and send me back to the hospital I came from for chest x-rays. Yesterday I received from this clinic a one page synopsis of "pneumonia" with no other information. Yes, I am well aware that I have/had "pneumonia". That's why I had the follow up, to check how it's healing.

I ended up following my instincts and several hours later after feeling completely dissatisfied with my "follow up" and the pain that I was in, I went back to the ER. They took some blood of their own, a urine sample, and a second x-ray even though I'd had one done in the same hospital that afternoon.

There I received actual follow up. "How are you feeling? Where does it hurt? How does it hurt? Okay, based on that, we have progress in your healing, the infection is slowly clearing up, but please follow up with your REGULAR doctor in the next two weeks or so to make sure it's cleared up then. The pain is normal, but you are dangerously dehydrated, so here are some IV fluids, and here is something for the pain, please use it sparingly."

This is the sort of interaction that I am used to with my own doctor so this is the sort of thing I was expecting from the clinic not "Oh we're just going to take some blood and send you back to the hospital for x-rays."

On top of that, there were some issues with misgendering even when I showed documentation and explained my medical conditions. The paper I received that stated "pneumonia" with no context had me down as female, which legally, I am not. The Sentara Princess Anne hospital records show me as male (which is LEGALLY correct), with a note of my medical condition so that my nurses and doctors are informed. I know this, because I am able to check my chart online because this is a really fantastic and tech savvy medical group.

When I first got home from the hospital I spent most of my awake time in a pain-haze, and I was sleeping on the sofa so I didn't aspirate more stomach acid. One positive is that I've finally kicked soda. I've been trying to give up soda for months but the week long migraines (which appear to have been an early symptom of the pneumonia) had me in a tight spot with that, and also going through my rather expensive migraine meds like crazy.

At this point I am still sore, and physically weak but I feel hesitantly comfortable saying that I am actually improving. I've been craving healthy foods and trying to follow through and eat them. My biggest concern is actually in regards to work. I'm nervous that they won't allow me to take on a non-seasonal position when this one ends because of my health.

I have received some help with the medical bill thanks to those who have been able to help via my crowdfunding page on You Care. I'm still waiting to receive the final bill from the hospital and I've been checking my chart online every so often to see if billing has updated so I have a real number.

TLDR: I'm sorry I didn't update for a week and a half. I am slowly healing. Not out of the woods yet but showing improvement.

Aggravating Truth: You can't sleep away Pneumonia.

I posted a short blurb with a link to my You Care funding goal shortly after getting home from the hospital, and have spent approximately 50% of my time since then asleep. Possibly more.

Sleeping in a hospital bed is all but impossible with people coming to poke, prod, and get vitals every 1-2 hours, and I found after the first night that sleeping between meals and meds was far more effective. Nursing staff were impressed at my ability to sleep in that bed at all, and the day staff mostly let me be, checking on me when I had meals or when they needed vitals (which by day 2 they could just about do in my sleep).

When I got home, Osaka and I determined that it would be SAFER for me to sleep on the sofa where she could monitor my breathing and wake me every 4 hours to take my meds. This worked well for me the first day, but by the second day we were both worn out with not enough sleep and general feelings of crappiness.

I keep trying to remember the exact symptoms that are auto GO DIRECTLY TO HOSPITAL, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Persistent fever up to 102F was one, in combination with swelling of the legs, further lung pain, or the unusual symptoms that prompted me to go to the ER in the first place (hurting EVERYWHERE).

I'm trying to be careful, to make sure to rest, to breathe slowly and carefully, and to not push myself too far. Mostly I feel very physically weak. My arms feel bruised, and I'm pretty sure I've got a scar from the IV (amazing technology, hurts like hell) plastic infuser thing that they left in for 2 days. I kept bumping it on things or catching it on the bed, and having to try hard not to move that arm, which happened to be my dominant arm.

In less whiny and more holy hell what is this even news, I was reviewing my medical records online because technology is amazing, and I was trying to find out the final bill for my hospital stay. I estimated a goal of maybe half of what one of the hospital brochures gave me for an average hospital stay of 3 days for someone uninsured, because you can always raise the goal later and I didn't want to ask for more than I needed.

The amazing and terrifying bit, is that I was reviewing the specifics of what medications I was on, the test results, and severity of pneumonia and I was gobsmacked. In tiny notation as though this were normal and fine, the Dr spelled out that I had the infection in the upper lobes on both lungs and going all the way down to the bottom lobe on one lung, though most severe at the tops.

The culprit? Acid reflux. I aspirate it in my sleep, leading to severe pneumonia. Unfortunately I can't take anything for acid reflux until I finish medication and treatment for pneumonia because the antibiotics I need (not a simple zpac) don't play well with acid reflux medications or treatments.

This comes as a big surprise to me. There is a family history of severe acid reflux (looking at you Moose) but I had no idea that breathing tiny amounts of it in my sleep could try to kill me. Nor did I realize I was breathing it.

The long and short of it, is that whether I chose to go to the ER voluntarily or not, I was about a day out from being hospitalized or worse.

Over the course of the two days in the hospital I went through at least 10 separate bags of IV antibiotics. I think more than that but they mostly tried to do them while I was awake. Unfortunately I felt so crappy that I couldn't think very clearly and I couldn't keep track. I felt worse at discharge than I did at admission.

Honestly I still feel really crappy. My lungs still hurt badly, I'm physically very weak now, and I can't walk down the hall without getting winded or dizzy. It is within the realm of possibility that I could be re-hospitalized after my followup visit on Wednesday.

I want to thank everyone who has helped with the You Care fundraising, whether by signal boosting or donating. Every little bit helps, and I am extremely grateful.

When I receive my final bill, I will adjust the numbers on You Care for accuracy, but in the meantime my goal should help defray further costs of the followup visits where I need to pay up front, and for that I am very thankful.

Pneumonia strikes again!

Wednesday, I woke up in agonizing pain. I crawled out of bed and told Osaka "I hurt all over, I don't think I can go to work today." She raised a brow (with good reason, sometimes I have a nasty case of the "don't wannas") and told me to give it a proper try. So, I got dressed, and got really and continued to just really feel like hell. Finally I told here I just could not deal with this pain, even with a short shift, and she countered that if I felt that bad, I really should go to the hospital.

I argued at first because I didn't have the money to see my GP that happens to work through an Urgent Care clinic and we agreed I'd go to the ER, because I wouldn't be expected to pay upfront, and I could get the treatment I needed and pay it back later.

So, we got two all day bus passes and headed for the ER of the nearest Hospital (Sentara Princess Anne) and I got admitted. 6 hours later, and a whole lot of whining on my part (because honesty matters) we had a diagnosis of bi-lateral aspiration pneumonia, which is incredibly rare, incredibly aggressive, and tends to happen to people with a history of acid reflux. People at risk are those with compromised immune systems, people who take long term steroids, people with asthma, etc. I can check every box there.

The doctor wanted to have me stay for overnight observation (which I argued against) and after Osaka spoke sense to me, I grudgingly agreed to.

I swiftly learned that I was MUCH sicker than I thought I was, and that I really should have come in weeks ago, because symptoms I was attributing to my migraines and my hypothyroidism were the early stages of this pneumonia.

So.. basically I don't listen to my body well enough and I'm lucky that I have Osaka to make me be reasonable.

Which brings me to this. I work part time. I am ineligible for state insurance and can't afford insurance off of the government network. I also am not eligible for it through work as a seasonal employee. So, taking into account the estimated cost of an uninsured person in the hospital for two days and nights, I have started a crowd fundraiser for medical expenses through You Care.

I'm going to learn ASL!

Today I filled out my FAFSA for Fall 2015 semester at TCC (Tidewater Community College). I have already applied (as of Friday, May 29th), and now I am waiting for my next day off to go and take my placement tests and find out if I need supplemental courses for Math or English.

Because I am going for a 2 1/2 year (ish) certification in American Sign Language, I believe I am not required to take a science or arts course or anything in that vein. I may do so after I finish the certification, if college agrees with me, and get a Bachelor of Arts or something but I think I will wait and see if I crash and burn or manage to do this properly.

Osaka purchased a cake of celebration to have after dinner. :D I am excited and nervous.

Luts Summer Event 2015

So, I'm not in position to do a Luts order myself but I am VERY interested in the Kid Delf Summer Event head. If anyone is or was planning on placing an order and is not interested in the head please let me know. I'd be happy to discuss the details of a trade or agreement.

Just throwing this out there, since many of my friends do end up ordering somewhat regularly from Luts and may be getting one of these heads with no interest in it. :)

Thanks guys!

Re-Introducing Ro!

Ro is properly put together again. He has a beautiful fresh faceup from Osaka, and a beautiful new body, a classic white skin Bluefairy Tinyfairy boy body. It's the slightly more mature look I wanted for him (compared to the original DOC body) that was NOT what I got with the Dollmore body I tried in 2007, which he sat on until the end of 2014 when I popped him off that and put the body up for sale or trade.







I will need to dig in the closet later this week or early next week to get out HIS wardrobe which is separate from the rest of the MSD clothes, and will need to shift some things and give him a dedicated wardrobe/chest.

All said, I'm very pleased to have him back together, and I seem to have misplaced (or re-purposed) the eyes I had in him, so I will be ordering him some new light grey eyes from Mint on Card in glass. I've got 14mm eyes in him and am liking the look compared to the 16mm eyes he's worn for YEARS.

Ro will be 10 on August 29th. It does my soul good to have him in one piece again with a beautiful fresh face, a beautiful more mature body (not too slim, not too tall), and still so much love for him after all these years.

It's not even Wednesday.

I had a really oddly paced work day which ended just.. not well. Nothing in particular went wrong, it just.. really sucked. I went in to work in a pretty good mood, the weather was nice, my MP3 player was cooperating with me and playing songs I liked (which reminds me, I need to charge it), and when I got to work I had time to sit and rest from walking to work since the buses don't run on Sundays here.

Then we were SLAMMED (first nice day in weeks, shortly after military AND civilian paydays), my lunch was ridiculously early in my shift because of coverage problems, I ended up tearing up my index finger at the end of my lunch, got heat sick and nauseous and spent the last 5 1/2 hours of my shift trying not to throw up and remember to smile and be careful counting change. I could not take anything for my increasing pain because of nausea. I had a panic attack AND an asthma attack, and we still didn't have coverage so I couldn't even ASK for a break to try and recover.

Then the person who offered days ago, to give me a lift home from work today swung by out of nowhere like an hour before I was scheduled to get off and told me they were leaving early and couldn't give me a ride, which was just too much on top of over-stimulation. I think I just said "Okay." and then I quietly asked the cashier working next to me when they left, and since they left at the same time, asked if they would mind dropping me home after. They were nice enough to do so.

Then when we did leave I came in the door radiating ANGRY and howling in pain and confused/distressed my roommates, much to our combined frustration. I HAVE apologized, and am attempting to decompress and act like a normal human being. I am so FUCKING done.

No spoons. Probably no spoons for tomorrow either. I'm hoping to recover some spoons with dinner which Osaka kindly went and fetched, so that I can go out tomorrow and get my hair cut, and maybe do some light shopping.