Ace

I have a huge backlog of emotion that I am trying to process. Two weeks ago I had an accidental gap in one of my medications that was corrected but caused some havoc hormonally and emotionally. It's been sorted but it made a mess of me in conjunction with finals and other things going on.

Some of the emotional stuff is in regards to my upcoming move at the end of spring semester. Some of it is stuff I never processed from just before fall semester started, and some of it is realizations I had while doing research for the big English projects for my English 111 class.

I did my projects on Asexuality as a sexual identity. Those who know me, know that I have been married, have dated, have had romantic interest, and those who know me very very well, know that having sexual attraction has always been a tricky thing for me. I just.. either I do or I don't. I have had sexual interest maybe twice in my lifetime and it was a fleeting feeling, like a sneeze that doesn't happen.

I did my huge essays, my power point, my big counts for the big grades projects on asexuality, on the research that is already out there, and then my own opinion piece as my final project, and I realized in doing this, that I am never ever going to be happy in a relationship. I am super interested in romance, in relationships, in intimacy, but not in anything at all to do with sexual relationships. It squicks me out. I've tried it. I don't like it. My stuff doesn't work correctly. I don't enjoy it.

I have zero issues with other people having their relationships and romance and that including sexual intimacy but I don't want to negotiate that minefield. I don't want it. My stuff is broken. It always has been. I have less than zero interest in any goings past a friendly hug or maybe leaning into a friend to watch a film and I can do that with a FRIEND. So I'm done.

I'm not going to put my health and safety at risk on the off-chance that someone is willing to put up with dealing with my very specific needs of non-sex. Like, not ever. So I just won't date. I will go to school, and get a degree, and be a translator, or a teacher or both, or do something else, I don't know.

It's so rare for me to find anyone that I have any genuine interest in anyway and the odds of that person being interested in me too are not in my favor, let alone the odds that they would be fine with what I need. So I just won't.