I don't even know.

What is the opposite of homesick? Not quite a rhetorical question.

There is a very very very small part of me that misses some aspects of Texas. The rest of me would be dragged back kicking and screaming and crying. What I miss primarily are my family members and a few select very special friends, some from childhood, but most from my very dear internet family that have all somehow settled in my home backyard across the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex.

What I do not miss? The heat, the culture. The constant judgment real or not, that I have felt with every fiber of my being since I was wee. The bugs in the summer.

I miss my family. I'm missing so so much of my family. I have seen my youngest niece a handful of times, and my two nephews by blood even less so.

Where would I go? What would I do? Could I stand to be in Texas again as the man I am, versus the person who left 10 years ago? Would I falter? Would I fall? Have I grown enough to endure? I don't know. I don't really want to think about it.

I like Virginia Beach. I love the culture. I love the people (for the most part). I love the ocean being so close I can TASTE it in the summer and feel it in the winter.

What about somewhere else? Do I still want to move to England? Do I want to move somewhere else entirely? Could I make it on the West Coast? What do I need to do? What do I want to do?

Do I feel like a complete human being? Am I healthy enough to live on my own? Am I healthy enough to advocate for myself as needed in ANY circumstance? Where do I go from here?

This is not about school by the way. I have straight As for the semester and have been busting my butt to maintain them. School is fine.

Also I don't know if I mentioned it here but last weekend I passed out at work and went to the ER. They drugged me and released me after determining that I needed to see a neurologist and ruling out head trauma from my falling. I never struck my head. I have an appointment on Nov 19th to have I don't even know what kinds of tests done. I need to pull a $60 copay out of somewhere for that. Atypical migraine symptoms, dizziness, halos, disrupted speech, and lasting and intense pain that did not respond to ANY medication (including the cocktail they gave me in hospital). So.. need to figure that out. The appointment conflicts with my English class but my professor is understanding of the circumstance and is willing to work with me in regards to it.