I occasionally imbibe liquor, and last night was one of the occasions I did so. I had a concoction of some fruity variety, made by Captain Morgan Parrot Bay. I think it was pineapple and orange flavored or something. Anyway it was some fruity thing. I don't drink often really, but when I do imbibe, it's generally a fruity drink. I can't stand the taste of beer, and I think wine tastes equally horrible. I just don't like the bitterness I think. I've always prefered sweet things though. Were it not for my father's diabetes (and therefore my familial tendency towards it) I'd indulge my sweet tooth far more often than I do.
But, that isn't what I was meaning to go into. I'm not feeling well this morning as a result. Not horrible mind you, and not what I'd call hung over exactly, but maybe like I shouldn't have had the second one. I feel kind of pale and a bit crabby, which I'm hoping will pass after a hot shower and some breakfast. I have delicious chocolate muffins to eat.
I'm also feeling a little down emotionally. Not, depressed exactly but kind of lost, and embarrassed/ashamed. I was filling out a quiz about experiences and I've done what I would consider alot of things, that I'm far from proud of. Sexual promiscuity in my late teens for instance. I made alot of mistakes, and mistook male attention of that variety, for genuine interest. I'm also ashamed of my heavy drinking, and drug experimentation around the same time. I realize that those were both my way of dealing with post traumatic stress disorder, brought on by two separate occasions, one being the rape, and two being earlier, not understanding or dealing well with my parents divorce. I've since come to terms with both, but I've had other things that reinforced my emotional fragility. For instance, I had a mental break down, when I was trying so hard to conceive with Nick, about three years ago. That was when I went on Zoloft, and it was the beginning of the end for us. And of course, more recently, the fiasco that has been trying to get the ***damned divorce in order.
I'm not depressed at the moment per se. I'm feeling.. ambiguous, and thoughtful. I'm certainly not read to jump for joy, or anything like that, but I'm not like suicidal either.
I'm tired, emotionally. I'm tired of being stuck in Virginia, and I'm tired of being ignored by Nick. I'm pissed at him for ignoring me completely now that my stuff is out of the apartment. I'm not asking to hang out, or go do stuff, or anything ridiculous like that. I just want him to get his shit together and get me home. I'm much more angry about than I may seem. He asked for this divorce, and I am trying to oblige, so they least he could do (I know the LEAST he could do is nothing, but you know what I mean) is to get me the hell home, so I can safely sign the damned papers and he can re-marry. I just want it OVER already.
I didn't sleep well, at all. I only slept for gosh, maybe five hours, which is plenty for some, but not for me. I slept lightly, and startled awake around 7:30. I'm listening to some music, trying to bring my mood up, but it might help, if I wasn't listening to the same depressing music I listened to in highschool. I need more peppy lighthearted stuff on my ipod. For now, I suppose the fall back of country music till I feel better about my own life (at least my life isn't as bad as THAT), and the fun techno/electronica stuff will do.