I feel pretty good.

I think my department manager has decided she likes me. For now at least. I've got a healthy sense of humor, I work harder than all the people that have recently quit or been let go. Our framing department is woefully understaffed at the moment. And, while I'm not up to proper speed yet, I'm showing drastic improvement from my first day.

The mood back there is fairly relaxed, so long as you are working, and getting each order done in a timely manner, with it clean and neat. I'm not quite as fast as I need to be, yet, but it's getting easier to get it done, done right the first time, and done in a reasonable amount of time.

That's pretty much all for this entry, but considering I've been mostly whiny or worried lately, I thought this good mood needed to be documented.

Help me fix my ipod?

Okay, so when I was walking to and from work, early in the month, at Walmart, I was listening to my ipod to make the walk easier. Unfortunately one of those days I was walking home, I dropped my ipod and it got stuck on lock.

Now, I've looking into the problem, and it looks like it should be an easy fix. The cable that connects the locking mechanism to the harddrive comes loose alot in my model, the 5th Generation Video ipod. So, if I can get my ipod open, I should be able to fix it easy.

Problem is, I can't GET my ipod open. I looked online and there are alot of tools they sell with replacement batteries, to open your ipod, but no one sells the tools seperately that I can find, and I don't NEED a new battery because I've taken really good care of this one, and it still holds a charge well.

So, I'm asking, if you know of a place that sells the tool seperately, or if you have one that I could borrow, please let me know. If I must send it off to be repaired, I will, but I would much prefer to fix it myself if I can. I'm not worried about voiding the warranty because my warranty is up anyway.

I don't know.

I was discussing it with Rose earlier this week. I think I need to go back on anti-anxiety medicine. Problem is, I don't have healthcare through my new job, and I won't because it is apparently part time. I could theoretically try to get back on them through Navy medical since I'm still technically married to Nick, but I would prefer a more ideal method.

Also, I'm not really sure if it would help as much as I'm hoping. I can't REMEMBER how I functioned on zoloft. :[ I can't remember much of that year at all. I'd prefer not to have similar memory gaps about this part of my life, but the anxiety and panic don't stop. The more anxious, worried, and panicky I get, the more I wonder what the hell I really want out of life, if anything at all.

At this point I am no better now, than I was 1 year ago. I don't feel that I have accomplished anything of worth. I'm essentially homeless, living with my sister at the moment but that's not long term. I'm working a crappy part time job at a craft store, and I can't live on what I make there. I don't have a car, or even a driver's license. I don't even have any significant schooling I could fall back on. I have a GED. I am twenty-five years old. What the hell do I have to show for my life?

It's not that I'm suicidal per se, I'm just.. apathetic I guess. I don't really feel like I have anything to look forward to in life. I don't enjoy life at all anymore. I can't even find simple pleasure in my days now. I used to at least be able to enjoy life, day to day, even knowing things are bad. I don't like me, I don't like my belongings, I hate my life, and I don't know if there is anything I can do to fix it.

1st day at work, and HANDS!

Today was my first day at Hobby Lobby. I'm definitely out of practice as a framer, but I think I'll be back into my old groove soon. I still very much enjoy the work, which is nice.

My department manager is named Robin, so to keep things simple, I'm going by Roro (or Ro) at work. I'm not sure what she thinks of me yet, but she seemed pretty exasperated today. I think once I'm back up to speed and efficiency, we'll get on fine.

I don't have my schedule yet. Apparently she thinks having a written schedule, doesn't leave room for flexibility. She's supposed to call me with a schedule for the next few days, tonight. I'm hoping I have tomorrow evening off, so I can go to Knit Night.

Oh, but when I got home from work, I had a package sitting on my bed. My Yo-SD hands arrived! I got them second-hand (LOL) from my friend Gallye, and they are in pristine condition. I got pointy hands, and fists. No pics of the fists just yet. I'm saving them for a funny photo story. Sorry these pics are dark and grainy.

I am again, gainfully employed!

So that job interview? It was actually at Hobby Lobby. I showed up at JoAnns, to a very confused manager, who wasn't going to look at my application till next week. So then we ran over to Hobby Lobby as quick as we could. My interview went well I guess, but I really wasn't sure, until just a minute ago, when he called me back and offered me the job. I start Monday. I'm still feeling nervous, but hopefully this will work better since I basically already know what I'm doing, I just need a refresher course. I'm hoping the nervousness passes.

I quit Walmart.

So I quit today. I tried to stick it out, but I had a massive (continuation of a) panic attack, and I just could not process. I really wanted to stick it out until I found a better job, but I just could not handle it.

But, I have a job interview at JoAnns in the morning, and I've called Hobby Lobby to see if/when they're hiring. The JoAnns interview is for a framing position, which is what I did when I worked at Michaels. Any openings at Hobby Lobby would be for the same.

I'm a bit calmer now than I was this morning. Going to Knit Night helped me to calm down alot, and I started a scarf. I'll post pictures another time. I'm still a bit frazzled. I was really really worried about Jenni's reaction. It was calmer than I was expecting.

I'm hoping tomorrow's interview goes really well. Rose is taking me. She and I have also worked out a ride arrangement, so if they hire me, I'll do fine. I'm still a bit nervous, and I feel really anxious and depressed about quitting, but I feel that things will work out.

Honestly, I'm a bit frustrated right now, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. I was trying to stick it out, until I could get work elsewhere, but with my schedule, I didn't really have off the right times to be able to call around easily, and check on my applications. I called JoAnns this morning, right before I left for my shift, and I called Hobby Lobby this afternoon, shortly after I came back home. JoAnns called me back right after I got off the phone with Hobby Lobby, which was good timing.

I still feel a little panicky, and I'm still worried sick about all the things I need to be doing, but I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time for now, and get things done that way.

Doll Wishlist

So, I was poking around, looking at some different doll sites, and I decided to do a break down of my doll wishlist. I've been pruning it, and updating it, for the past several weeks, and I think I've narrowed it down to only the dolls I really am willing to shell out for, rather than the ones I love to look at and won't buy.

First though I want to do a breakdown of the dolls I already own, in the order I got them. I'm not going into characters here, just which dolls I bought and when.

I got Ro, my Dream of Doll Tender Yen first. I ordered him when I was staying with Dad briefly, and Nick was in boot camp for the Navy. He arrived shortly before I left Texas for Great Lakes, Illinois. He will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I'm looking forward to having him restored to how I loved him best.

Then I got Elli, my Custom House Mars for Valentine (2006 version). I knew I wanted a second doll, to interact with Ro, and I thought that all I'd ever want was the two of them. I looked at the Mars and Uriel sculpts and decided I really wanted a Uranus, which is the Uriel head, on the Little Junior body, but since those dolls were really limited, I voted for Mars. Then Mars for Valentine came out, and it was like a need that I can't describe. I was desperate to get him, and I ended up borrowing the money from a friend, and paying them back in installments. And, when Elli arrived, he was different than I expected, but I still love him very dearly. I play with him the least, because he is special in a different way, and I'm terrified to play with him, and scratch his perfect faceup again.

Then I got Ichigo. I knew I wanted a Volks Tsubaki, when I saw them on Den of Angels (specifically Tasu's Sora), but I didn't really think I'd ever be able to get one, because they can only be bought at the Volks Sato store. Then my online friend Shnooks got one, via Ria_Ria on Den of Angels. It blew my mind because a shopping service had never occurred to me. So, I contacted Ria_Ria, and worked out a layaway plan. I sold Ro's body, for the deposit on Ichigo, since I was planning to upgrade Ro to a more posable body anyway. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but Ichigo was the beginning of my love for Volks dolls.

Next I got a Volks Tinatsu, that I bought from Radiotrash. I loved it immediately, and did a trade, of the lower torso part, to make mine a boy. I named him Gabriel, and he was a tiny incarnation of Thor, for awhile, and later became a twin to my Sweet Dream Piccolo, and later still, a wolf boy, and later still is a girl again, named Christopher. @_@

I got my Sweet Dream Piccolo from EvaFriedel. She brought him to the doll meetup where I met Ti Chan actually. I told her if she ever decided not to keep him, to keep me in mind, and a few months later I bought him from her. He's gone through a few different characters as well, but has settled well into the Hanlon Clan, as Seanan.

Then my Custom House order arrived. I'd ordered a Mars and a Uriel, to make a Uranus for myself and a Petite Mars for Rissa (her Trevor). Uranus was an incarnation of Nick, to hold me over when he was out on deployment. When Nick asked for a divorce, I put Isaac (his old name) away for awhile. He eventually became Declan Hanlon, third born in a large Irish Catholic family.
When I was staying with Christy, Souldoll discontinued all their old SD sculpts. I was upset, because I'd wanted a Lune, and never got a chance to get him. He hadn't been a priority because he wasn't limited. So, when a Lune head was for sale on the marketplace for a reasonable price, I grabbed him. I was going to make him into a Detective Elliot Stabler doll from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, but I found a different doll that will suit that character more, so right now he's tucked away until I buy him a body and figure out who he is.

Then when Christy went to Volks New York Dolpa this last year, she got a School C Head for me, which I reimbursed her for. It was the chance of a lifetime, and I'm eternally grateful, as I'd have had to pay probably $400 for just the head otherwise. I'm currently waiting for the price of SD 10 bodies to go down, before I complete him. He's Onigiri, and I'm so happy to have him. He's another doll I didn't really think I'd be able to get.

So that's all the dolls and heads I have at the moment. Now we move on to the dolls I want. :] I have this list, on my Resinality and Den of Angels profiles, listed in alphebetical order by company, and order of want as a further organization.

First on my list is Custom House Meoloo, who has been discontinued. I'll have to find him second hand, but I'm desperate to do so. I love his little face, and no one else will do for Declan's mischevious twin, Breck. I can't just link to him, since he's been discontinued, so here's the one picture I have of him. He will also have the really vibrant red hair that Declan and Seanan have.


Second and third on my list are two Fairyland Puki Pukisha. I waffle about these, but every time I see them in photos (and since I saw one in person) I really want one, or in my case, two. I want both the openeyed and sleepy eyed versions.

Fourth on my list is Michele, my Fairyland Littlefee Shiwoo. I posted about him a week or two ago, and he is one of the two or three that I'm hoping to be able to buy this year. He'll be Marius's son.

Fifth is Marius, a Fairyland Minifee Luka. He's absolutely beautiful, and I can hardly wait to have my softspoken frenchman hanging around. I want the basic version, but it hasn't been released yet, so I link to the full package version. I've settled on medium brown hair for him and his son. He will have eyes with blue and brown in them, and I'm currently searching for just the right pair of dual-colored eyes.

Sixth is another of the Hanlon Clan. Rylee is the firstborn child of Leslie, and she is an Iplehouse Amy. I love her face, her little teeth, and her size and build, in relation to the little juniors. I think she'll fit in really well, with the small bust option. Personality-wise I don't have her figured out yet but I think she is a protective older sister who is a little bit shy.

Seventh on the list, is the father of the Hanlon Clan, Leslie. Leslie is an Iplehouse Louis, my second SD-sized love. I've wanted one, ever since I saw his picture, but because he isn't limited, he hasn't been a priority. I'm aiming to get him towards the end of this year, or early next year. I've waffled over getting him in white skin or regular, and I don't think I will know for certain which I want, until I order him. I have settled on the muscle body though. The model body is too thin for my tastes.

Eighth on my list is Iplehouse Evan. I would LOVE to be able to get the limited fullset, but I don't have $1000 sitting around. @_@ So, I will suck it up, and aim to get the basic version. I don't know who he is, character-wise, but he's too beautiful to pass up, much like Ichigo and Onigiri were.

Ninth on my list, is my new Elliot Stabler, Iplehouse Akando. He has the perfect face and build, and I knew it as soon as I saw the basic version. I'm not sure when I'll be getting him, but I do definitely want him.

Number ten, is Leekeworld Min. There is just something about his sweet smiling face that I need in my crew. His name is Caleb, but I don't know anything else about him. If you scroll down to the summer pictures, you can see his faint smile, that won me over.

Eleven is Simon, a Luts Elf Cherry boy. He's Ichigo's best friend, and a little demon boy. He's the tamest demon around, and Ichigo is the least angelic angel, which is why they make such a funny match. I plan to dress him more goth-punk.

Number twelve, is a Luts El. I know everyone and their dog has one, but I've always loved that face, and I have a character in mind for him. My friend Devan has one, and I got to play with her boy alot, and knew I needed one of my own.

Thirteen, is another Hanlon Clan boy. Ossian is a Sleepy Narsha boy, and he fits in between the older set of twins, and all the little bitty kids. Ossian dotes on his baby sister Oilbhe, and will speak for her, since she doesn't talk.

Number fourteen is Rohan, a Rosen Leid Maret. Rohan is twin to Edana, and second youngest in the Hanlon family.

Fifteenth on the list, is Rohan's twin, Edana. She is a Rosen Leid Melody. She and Rohan are the youngest set of twins, and generally play by themselves, and avoid the other children.

Sixteenth, is the final Hanlon child, Oilbhe. She is a Rosen Leid Melon. She's the only child whose hair is not red in any way shape or form. She doesn't speak at all, and will gesture to get what she wants.

Seventeenth on my list, is one that I debate about. I've wanted him since I first saw him, but I don't know that I will ever actually get him. He hasn't fallen off the list yet, but I want most of the dolls on my wishlist, more than I want him. Tiku, is a Soom Pepper. He's a little squirrel boy, and I have all sorts of fun ideas for him.

Eighteenth is a doll that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get, and isn't a huge priority, but I would love to have some day. Unoa Sist, boy. I've always liked the Unoas, and I'm not crazy about either of the boy faces, but I don't really want a girl, so I'd love to have a Sist boy. I can't link, and I don't have pictures of one either. @_@

The nineteenth doll on my list, is Nephi. I want a Volks FCS MSD F-08, in sunlight skin. I've seen some gorgeous owner pictures, and I definately want this boy. It will be awhile though, because he's a Sato exclusive mold, so I plan to wait until I have the opportunity to travel to Japan.

Twentieth on my list, is a Volks FCS SD-13 F-29. I hope to be able to order him at a New York Dolpa, one of these years soon. He will be my Link (as in from Zelda), and I'm really excited about him.

Twentyfirst on my list is Volks MSD Hewitt. I don't seem to have any photos saved, but he's super cute. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get him, but I would love to own one, some day.

Last, at twentysecond on my list, is Hoshiko, a Volks Sweet Dream Tsubaki. I'll need to get her through a shopping service as well. She is Ichigo's twinsoul. I'd like to have her on a MSD girl body.

So, that is my very long wishlist. @_@ And, these are just the dolls, that I really intend to buy, not counting all the dolls I LOVE but don't want to own.

::Edit:: What the hell? I left out one of the most important dolls. @_@ Souldoll Gisele, to be Lil, the mother of the Hanlon clan. I don't know, HOW I missed her. x_x

AUGH.

I feel another long-term panic attack coming on. It started this morning when they told me I was being moved back to nights. I started panicking pretty much immediately, which the managers noticed. So they looked to see what other positions might be available, and offered me an evening shift in the Deli. I still feel panicky, and now depressed, but it's not as intense as the last one. I've got the next two days off, which I'm going to try to enjoy. x_x Then I start in the deli. I'm nervous, and I'm really not looking forward to smelling fried chicken all day long.

I feel like I'm being too whiny and too picky, but I can't really explain why I'm panicking, because I don't KNOW. I just feel irrationally scared again. I'm so exhausted. I'm going to go to bed and attempt sleep.

Guitar Hero, and FOOD. @_@

I meant to post about this in my last entry, but I guess I got distracted and left it out. Jenni got a Wii, and Guitar Hero: World Tour. It's so awesome to get to play Guitar Hero again. I'm still pretty good with the guitar, I can fake it about %50 with the microphone, and I'm kind of scared to try the drums because I have issues with rhythm. It took me awhile to get used to the rhythms of the guitar, too.

I really miss playing them on the playstation 2. I think I will be re-acquiring the ones that Brittany/Ti-Chan, had and sold, since I was able to beat the majority of them, on easy mode. There were alot of awesome songs in there too. So, I'll get a couple of the guitars, and slowly grab the games, as I have money now and again.

And on to other things. So, yesterday, was the one year anniversary for our physical store at work. It opened January 16, 2008. Our store manager decided to throw us a party in celebration. One of the (I think) assistant managers brought in his smoker, and made us some of the best steaks I've ever had. They were rib-eyes, and the steak I ate was cooked and seasoned to perfection, took up two thirds plate. I think it may have been around 22 ounces. They also had baked potatoes, and the potatoes were HUGE. They were about the biggest you can find potatoes. In addition, there was chicken, for those who don't eat beef, and a pretty wicked assortment of salad.

Then, there was also cake, ice cream, and cookies. @_@ I was so stuffed. I think I ate more yesterday than I have all week. I couldn't finish my baked potato, or my ice cream, or my cake. I was just, way too full.

So, all in all yesterday was good. It was way too cold, so Jenni gave me a lift to work in the morning, since she didn't have to leave till later anyway, and then picked me up in the evening, since she was picking up some pizzas for dinner anyway.

Then after dinner, we played Guitar Hero together. Jenni is pretty good at the drums, and seems to like drums best. Derek too actually. I think I'll still with guitar and bass. :B

Doll plans for 2009

I have a day off! I didn't count Sunday because I went to Church and the day was still fairly busy for me. Today is Thursday, and I get paid again one week from today. I only have one big ticket item I want to buy, that has been waiting, oh, a year and a half. I'm getting Ro a new body.

I'm pretty ecstatic about getting him back on a Dream of Doll body. I'm going with the type 3 body, with the doublejointed elbows and super posable body in general. It's what I wanted for him in the first place, but he was my first doll, and that kind of body wasn't even around yet, when I got him. Come late this summer, I'll have had Ro four years. He arrived August 29th, 2005. And, once the new body arrives, I'm shipping him off to my buddy unseeliequeen, for a new faceup. Then I'll sell the old body, and use it for a deposit on Minifee Luka and Littlefee Shiwoo, whom I want to get on layaway from Denver dolls.

Those are my doll plans for the entire year, because, I'm also going to be saving for a car, and once I've got one, all my disposable income will be gone because of insurance for a brand new driver, and gas money. :B

So, aside from that, from this check, I also plan to buy some good shoes for work. Probably New Balance, since that's what most of my co-workers recommended. I'm much less excited about the shoes, but they are necessary for me to be able to be on my feet all day and earn the money.

OMNOM Hat is completed!

So, I put the eyes on the monster hat today. I started off with two, as per the pattern, but the eyes I got are a little on the small side, so I made it a triclops instead. I did take a picture with just the first two eyes though.




This one made me giggle hard. OHNOES IT'S EATING MY HEAD!




And you may have noticed that the googly eyes are blue. I got a whole pack of assorted rainbow eyes. I'm thinking of making another braineating hat for Ichigo out of this:


And that's pretty much all, for the knitting portion of this post.

I'm doing better at work, on the day shift. It's still hard work, but I'm able to handle it easier, and that massive drawn-out panic attack is over, so I'm feeling tons better, even as tired as I am. And, on that note, I'm off to bed! G'night everyone.

OMNOM progress, and a teeny Batman shirt.

So last night at Knit Night, I was trying to do the teeth on the OMNOM hat and I ran into a glitch in the pattern. I just thought I was doing it wrong, but Mom tried it and she had the same problem I did. So I asked for help from Bookgrump, who recently made a Chain Chomp hat, which also has teeth. She found a discrepancy in the last two rows of the pattern and helped me figure out how to finish it off.

So, I have the OMNOM hat 95% finished. I need to add the googly eyes, and block it, and it will be all finished. I took some pictures last night, of Chris, in the hat, and matching scarf. The scarf is a stockinette pattern with a garterstitch border. :]




You can also see the tiny batman shirt, made to match my grey one. I used the tag from my older batman shirt, for the symbol on this one, since I lacked any yellow or black knit fabric. It's a little rough around the edges of the symbol, but the shirt itself is well made. :]

Work

I've been having crippling panic attacks since my second night of work. They were getting progressively worse, so that I wasn't even able to calm down on my two days off, which were right in a row, after three days of work.

So, last night I went in for my shift, and proceeded to have the monster of panic attacks, in the parking lot. I went inside with every intention of quitting, because of the severity, and when I spoke to the manager on duty, he said it was a shame, because everyone he'd spoken with, had been very impressed with my hard work, and they'd hate to lose a worker like me. I was stunned. He asked me to come in today and talk to one of the managers about how I was feeling, and explain to them, the problems I was having, to see if there was anything we could do.

Nowhere I have worked, to date, has given a damn about me like that, or has been willing to work with me like this. Nor have I ever really gotten any recognition for my hard work, so I was floored.

So today I rode my bike in, and spoke with Heather the manager that hired me. She's temporarily switched my schedule to days, after we spoke about my concerns. Days does less of the really physically draining stuff, and more of what I'm used to, like zoning, price changes, tracking stuff down for customers, and basic stocking, in addition, but mixed in, rather than just hours and hours of lifting.

She said if I was still having a really hard time with that, we could see what other positions might be available that I could do more easily, after a couple of weeks. So, I have a new schedule from 7am to 4pm, for the next two and a half weeks, and then we'll see if I'm doing better in days, or if there is something else (like cashiering) that I could do more easily.

So yeah, massive panic attacks for the last four days, and the calm after the storm now. @_@ I'm someone who hates to cry, due to associating it with childhood trauma, and I've been sobbing almost non-stop for the last four days, with increasing irrational panic. Right now, I feel normal. It's so bizarre to think so clearly right now, when I've been paralized with fear and panic for half a week.

I'm going to go ahead and set up my medical and dental insurance, and cross my fingers that days is more managable for me.

Ugh

Stocking is much more physically taxing, than I was expecting. I'm sore from head to toe, and not looking forward to my walking to and from work. The work itself feels fairly rewarding, but the walk home afterwords nearly brought me to tears. My feet were sore, my back was sore, I was so exhausted, I could barely keep my eyes open, and all I could think, was "Oh man, I have to do this again tomorrow (the walking)."

I think I need to find a comfortable way to ride my bike so I can avoid the numbness in my feet, that I felt this morning. The bike I have is slightly too large for me, and I can't comfortably touch the ground with my feet. It's also kind of difficult to get on and off, because my legs aren't all that flexible anymore. So, I walked to work yesterday, and I really wish I'd just braved the bike, which bruises my backside. All I could think, at 7 this morning, was that if I had my bike, I'd be home much faster. It took me almost an hour to walk home (takes me a little less than a half hour to get there, at a leisurely pace), and every step was agonizing.

The actual job, while physically exhausting, isn't too bad. I'm not sure I like the night manager I worked with last night, because she has a permanent sour look, and was expecting me to work alot faster than I'm able to yet. I know I need to be able to work at a certain pace, but it was my FIRST DAY. You can't really expect me to be that fast on my first freaking day.

And then she asked me to stay late. I told her I couldn't, because honestly the last half hour, I was counting the minutes, thanking god, I only had so many minutes left before I could stop. And I would have rested in the break room before walking home, but I didn't want to get nasty looks for being there and not working, since I said I couldn't stay. So, I walked to the end of the parking lot, and sat in front of a donut shop for about 20 minutes, to give my feet a break before the walk home.

Tonight I'll be riding my bike, unless my youngest sister can give me a lift. She has other things to do this evening, but will try and drop me off tonight, if she's still in the neighborhood.

On a positive note, I DID get my two fifteen minute breaks, and I get a whole hour for lunch. And they had cheese and fruit platters for us in the break room, so I nibbled off one of those for lunch.