I've been kind of quiet lately, because I have been kind of mute. I go
through periods of "normal" socialization, and then helpless mute
observance. I lose the ability to respond coherently, to comment, to
write, and so I just don't.
I've been there for about a month now. I'm currently seeking treatment.
When
I was in my mid-teens (somewhere between 13-16) I was diagnosed with
manic depression or bi-polar disorder. I don't know which classification
it was, or even if they had much distinction at the time. I took the
medicines that I was prescribed, and my moods worsened, my depression
turned suicidal, and I went off my meds. I decided they were wrong,
because the medicine that should have helped, seemed to make things
worse.
Based on what I can find from different sources online,
this is actually very common for people who are misdiagnosed as
bi-polar. The problem is, that there is actually something very wrong
with me. I may not be bi-polar, but I'm not quite right.
I mean,
I get by, and with my friends and a good support group, I am able to be
productive and positive and a useful member of society for sometimes
months at a time. Then I will slip, no matter what is going on, no
visible trigger, and I will be moody, depressed, suicidal, and there is
NO DAMNED REASON.
One symptom that I didn't reveal in my teens,
was hallucinations. When at the lowest, I suffer(ed) from auditory and
visial hallucinations. Not all the time, just at the lowest point when
the suicidal thoughts are there, all day long, all night long, trying to
wear me down into doing something stupid and permanent and self
destructive.
For years this has been a "normal" cycle, every few
months going up and down like a yo-yo. Sometimes I bounce back quickly,
sometimes I'm scrambling from the bottom of a pit, cutting my hands
trying to climb out of the darkness.
I can't identify a trigger
for this downward cycle which is when I realized this has been going on
my entire life. I've probably realized this before, my memory is crap,
and when I'm stressed I forget. I just forget, or block it, or whatever.
I can't remember most of my childhood or teenage years. I can barely
remember my early twenties.
So about three weeks ago I started
looking for a psychiatrist. I called aroung to a few places and finally
got in to where Ringo goes for his stuff. I'd been there before, with
Osaka and Ringo, just in the waiting room, and the staff had been
friendly, the doctors seemed competent.
Only when I arrived for
my appointment (after a 1 hour 45 minute walk, because I am slow and out
of shape) I was informed that my appointment had been cancelled, like,
as I was walking to the clinic. I was assured they would squeeze me in
though, and so I took a seat and was called back shortly.
The
woman who I saw was a Psychiatrist, and I was uneasy. The office was in
chaos, several people were "out sick" and I was incredibly nervous
despite having taken one of my anxiety meds. She was initially polite,
but got kind of annoyed when I asked if Osaka could join me.
She
asked some background questions and after interrupting me a few times, I
snapped a bit and launched into a "Please don't try to finish my
sentences, that is NOT what I was trying to say" mini rant. She got
really rude. I recognize that snapping on her was not polite, but I was
uneasy, I'd mentioned my anxiety, and why I was quite so upset and she
took on that super arrogant Psychiatrist mode that pisses me off.
I
have NEVER seen a Psychiatrist that didn't piss me off mind, but I do
try to keep an open mind. I'm not the same person I was at 7, or 12, or
15, etc. They all seem so damned cocky though, and they don't listen.
She
was really aggressive about trying to put me on a new anxiety medicine
before doing the diagnostic assessment I asked for, and when I told her
that I didn't want to change any medicines until I had a better idea of
my diagnoses she told me in a really snotty tone that her clinic refused
to endorse drug abuse or addiction and implied that if I took my as
needed anxiety medicine daily, I was some kind of junky.
When I
left, I was more angry and upset than I had already been, and at that
point I was at the very very bottom. I left with appointments for two
Psychologists at the clinic, and when they called to cancel one of the
appointments day of, I just cancelled the other as well.
As it
turns out, the doctors were not out sick. Several of them were fired for
refusing to sign new contracts drawn up by the new leads, if Ringo's
Therapist is to believed. Given the confusion and chaos that I saw, I am
inclined to believe.
I ended up seeing my regular doctor
instead since I was leaving work anyway (initially for the other two
doctors) and left with a script for Xanax to replace the
Clonazepam/Klonopin which is no longer effective for me. I can take the
Xanax only twice daily but it works immediately, and there is less risk
of dependance or building up an immunity. So far I haven't taken it more
than once a day.
The Xanax works differently despite being
chemically very similar to what I was taking. I can tell when it kicks
in because it works as a filter. That filter I have NEVER had? The one
that tells you "DON'T SAY THAT!" Yeah, that one. Xanax makes one. I am
still angry/hurt/anxious for a bit, but it kind of slows down my
emotional reaction time, and requires a huge amount of concentration to
have an outwardly visible emotional response. That's kind of exactly
what I need right now. It feels similar to how Zoloft used to feel but
it wears off and I don't feel like a zombie just coasting along on a
cloud of "I don't care, that's fine, whatever."
I will never EVER
go back onto an anti-depressant, or any take daily mood modifier unless
it is absolutely necessary to live and function. If I come out of this
(my doctor did give me a list of other clinics to try) with a diagnosis
that requires that, I will make damned sure that my Psychologist knows
that I will try every other method of dealing before I do that.
So the TL;DR is that I've recently realized I'm pretty crazy, and I'm currently trying to sort that out.
Thanks for sticking with me, have some doll pics:
