This is why I've been quiet.

I've been kind of quiet lately, because I have been kind of mute. I go through periods of "normal" socialization, and then helpless mute observance. I lose the ability to respond coherently, to comment, to write, and so I just don't.

I've been there for about a month now. I'm currently seeking treatment.

When I was in my mid-teens (somewhere between 13-16) I was diagnosed with manic depression or bi-polar disorder. I don't know which classification it was, or even if they had much distinction at the time. I took the medicines that I was prescribed, and my moods worsened, my depression turned suicidal, and I went off my meds. I decided they were wrong, because the medicine that should have helped, seemed to make things worse.

Based on what I can find from different sources online, this is actually very common for people who are misdiagnosed as bi-polar. The problem is, that there is actually something very wrong with me. I may not be bi-polar, but I'm not quite right.

I mean, I get by, and with my friends and a good support group, I am able to be productive and positive and a useful member of society for sometimes months at a time. Then I will slip, no matter what is going on, no visible trigger, and I will be moody, depressed, suicidal, and there is NO DAMNED REASON.

One symptom that I didn't reveal in my teens, was hallucinations. When at the lowest, I suffer(ed) from auditory and visial hallucinations. Not all the time, just at the lowest point when the suicidal thoughts are there, all day long, all night long, trying to wear me down into doing something stupid and permanent and self destructive.

For years this has been a "normal" cycle, every few months going up and down like a yo-yo. Sometimes I bounce back quickly, sometimes I'm scrambling from the bottom of a pit, cutting my hands trying to climb out of the darkness.

I can't identify a trigger for this downward cycle which is when I realized this has been going on my entire life. I've probably realized this before, my memory is crap, and when I'm stressed I forget. I just forget, or block it, or whatever. I can't remember most of my childhood or teenage years. I can barely remember my early twenties.

So about three weeks ago I started looking for a psychiatrist. I called aroung to a few places and finally got in to where Ringo goes for his stuff. I'd been there before, with Osaka and Ringo, just in the waiting room, and the staff had been friendly, the doctors seemed competent.

Only when I arrived for my appointment (after a 1 hour 45 minute walk, because I am slow and out of shape) I was informed that my appointment had been cancelled, like, as I was walking to the clinic. I was assured they would squeeze me in though, and so I took a seat and was called back shortly.

The woman who I saw was a Psychiatrist, and I was uneasy. The office was in chaos, several people were "out sick" and I was incredibly nervous despite having taken one of my anxiety meds. She was initially polite, but got kind of annoyed when I asked if Osaka could join me.

She asked some background questions and after interrupting me a few times, I snapped a bit and launched into a "Please don't try to finish my sentences, that is NOT what I was trying to say" mini rant. She got really rude. I recognize that snapping on her was not polite, but I was uneasy, I'd mentioned my anxiety, and why I was quite so upset and she took on that super arrogant Psychiatrist mode that pisses me off.

I have NEVER seen a Psychiatrist that didn't piss me off mind, but I do try to keep an open mind. I'm not the same person I was at 7, or 12, or 15, etc. They all seem so damned cocky though, and they don't listen.

She was really aggressive about trying to put me on a new anxiety medicine before doing the diagnostic assessment I asked for, and when I told her that I didn't want to change any medicines until I had a better idea of my diagnoses she told me in a really snotty tone that her clinic refused to endorse drug abuse or addiction and implied that if I took my as needed anxiety medicine daily, I was some kind of junky.

When I left, I was more angry and upset than I had already been, and at that point I was at the very very bottom. I left with appointments for two Psychologists at the clinic, and when they called to cancel one of the appointments day of, I just cancelled the other as well.

As it turns out, the doctors were not out sick. Several of them were fired for refusing to sign new contracts drawn up by the new leads, if Ringo's Therapist is to believed. Given the confusion and chaos that I saw, I am inclined to believe.

I ended up seeing my regular doctor instead since I was leaving work anyway (initially for the other two doctors) and left with a script for Xanax to replace the Clonazepam/Klonopin which is no longer effective for me. I can take the Xanax only twice daily but it works immediately, and there is less risk of dependance or building up an immunity. So far I haven't taken it more than once a day.

The Xanax works differently despite being chemically very similar to what I was taking. I can tell when it kicks in because it works as a filter. That filter I have NEVER had? The one that tells you "DON'T SAY THAT!" Yeah, that one. Xanax makes one. I am still angry/hurt/anxious for a bit, but it kind of slows down my emotional reaction time, and requires a huge amount of concentration to have an outwardly visible emotional response. That's kind of exactly what I need right now. It feels similar to how Zoloft used to feel but it wears off and I don't feel like a zombie just coasting along on a cloud of "I don't care, that's fine, whatever."

I will never EVER go back onto an anti-depressant, or any take daily mood modifier unless it is absolutely necessary to live and function. If I come out of this (my doctor did give me a list of other clinics to try) with a diagnosis that requires that, I will make damned sure that my Psychologist knows that I will try every other method of dealing before I do that.

So the TL;DR is that I've recently realized I'm pretty crazy, and I'm currently trying to sort that out.

Thanks for sticking with me, have some doll pics: