I got an interesting e-mail out of the blue today. I didn't check my e-mail (or go online at all) before work. I generally do, after I get dressed for work, but before I leave for the bus-stop, but I was ranting and raving this morning.
So, when I got home from work I checked my e-mail, not expecting much, maybe a comment on livejournal, or the familyblog, and found an e-mail from Nick. As in, my ex-husband.
And, what really surprised me, is that it was an apology. From the wording, a heartfelt, genuine apology, for several different events from the period of our joint life. It was totally out of the blue, and I'm amazed, both at the apology, and at my reaction.
I don't feel angry, suspicious, or any of the things I might have felt at seeing that in my inbox a year or more ago. I don't know his intention, but I responded. I asked what brought it on, and I asked him about his daughter, and the fate of the cats that we had, since I don't know. If he responds, I may ask further questions, but I feel only curiousity, no anger, no suspicion at the moment.
Today has been amazing for communication. I had a much needed conversation with Pherret, regarding the tension in the apartment, and I feel that we communicated well. Things have been a bit tense since Christmas, due to multiple circumstances, and I think things will slowly start to get better from here, and at least now I know why he was reacting to things the way he was, and I can handle that.
I feel a ton better after that talk, and kind of hyper after reading the e-mail from Nick. It has me thinking a million miles a minute. I'm genuinely curious about how he's doing, and the idea of finding out, doesn't hurt now. I hope he's well, and if I hear nothing more, I will continue to wish him well.
I am happier today, than I was yesterday, happier than I was last year, happier than I've been in awhile. I feel sane. I feel like maybe I'm making some progress in my life, even though there aren't alot of visible (to myself) changes.
I've changed my diet, my weight, my attitude, and I'm feeling the results, even with fighting a cold or allergies or whatever this is.
Despite being off my thyroid medicine for a day or two, and my advair (till Friday when I get paid and can refill them), I feel pretty well. My anxiety comes and goes, but physically, I'm in the best shape, I've been in almost a decade. Psychologically I'm doing much better too.
It feels so good to be honest, to not have to worry about secrets, or lying. Because, to me, huge secrets, feel the same as lying. I don't have anything hidden under that hat anymore.
I feel whole. Even with quite a ways to go transition-wise, I feel whole. I feel good.