Sunday, January 16, 2011

I don't know what I can do.

I've been in a funk for several days now. I've not been sleeping well, been worried about work, worried about money, fretting over dolls, etc.

I want to sell some of my dolls, but I can't get past the needing to take sales photos part. I start to get things set up for photos and start fretting. I'm worried my doll(s) will go to some idiot who will sharpie-faceup them. I'm worried they'll get tarted up and paired off with SD or larger dolls. It seems silly to worry about that when I obviously don't want them anymore, but I still care about them. I just feel guilty that I am not enjoying them as much as I enjoy my other dolls.

I have fourteen dolls, if you include my two SD heads, and my Byuri who is paid off, but undelivered. I play with Sarabelle, Ichigo, Starshine, Moonbeam, Doran, Robbie, and sometimes Christopher Owen and Émile. If I sold all the dolls but the ones I play with REGULARLY, I'd only keep Ichigo, Sarabelle, Starshine, Doran, and my incoming Byuri.

I love my other dolls, but some of them are strongly intertwined with negative memories. I can't bond with my Sweet Dream Piccolo for the life of me, and my Customhouse Uranus has given me similar problems. Pairing him up as a sibling for Sarabelle has helped, but I just.. I associate those two (and my Tinatsu to a point) with Nick and Brittany, much to my frustration. Then there's Jessie, my Narsha. I like her, and I like the sculpt, but I wanted a BOY!Narsha. She's very charming, and she's mine, but.. I don't play with her, or really have any developed character or story for her, the way I do my other dolls.

My Souldoll Lune head? I've had him since very shortly into my separation from Nick, and I still don't know who he is, or what I want to do with him. I don't want to sell him because he's irreplaceable. So is Customhouse Uranus. And, I tried selling my Piccolo once before (to Brittany) and regretted that within a two month period.

I'm really frustrated, because I want the ones I can't love, to go where they will be loved, but I don't have faith in the Den of Angels population. I don't want to see them ignored, abused, but I'm certainly not enjoying or playing with them.

Buying Byuri lit a fire under me, inspiration-wise. I want to buy more dolls this year, for characters attached to my, and Osaka's characters. I want to play with my dolls, sew for them, draw them, photograph them. That's how I love mine. I love to dress them, sew new clothes, take pictures, draw them, and just hold them and pose them. I wish I loved all the ones I've brought home, that much, but I don't.

There are some that are too precious to me to ever be able to sell, but I can't play with them either. I want to be able to play with all my dolls. I've had Piccolo boxed up for months, waiting to take sales photos, but I don't want to see him go. I can't bond with him, I can't make a character stick, but I can't see him go somewhere he'll likewise not be played with, or worse.

And that's just my fretting over the dolls.. I've been really wound up tight for seriously about a week, and I don't know how to cut loose.

I was really looking forward to today and tomorrow because I have both days off, but everyone is home, which means I have to deal with tension at the house, because we all get under each other's feet, and therefore skin, in short order. It'd be fine if it were just me and Osaka, or us plus Ringo, but when you bring Pherret into the mix, just the amount of people (plus dogs) is enough that we all get stressed. The tension is driving me crazy.

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About Me

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I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.