So I was encouraged by Osaka, to voice one of my irrational fears. As many of you are aware, I've been staying with Osaka and Pherret and their son Ringo, since Nick kicked me out, minus a 9 month period where I went back to Texas. It's been like three years now I think, not counting those 9 months. In April I think it will be three years, minus from October 2008 to June 2009.
Anyway for this time I've been sleeping on the couch in their living room, since they have a 2 bedroom apartment, and the second bedroom is their son's room. We've talked about me sharing a room with Ringo since a bit before I came back, but I've just not gotten the furniture, or really looked into a storage unit, as I need to do.
I placed the reason I've been so hesitent to buy a bed, and it is the most irrational fear I think I've ever experienced. I'm afraid that if I buy furniture I will end up homeless. Not because I think Osaka and Pherret will kick me out, or anything like that. I'm just convinced that if I buy furniture I will end up homeless. I'll have spent money on something big I can't take with me, and can't easily store.
And, if there's anything I hate, it's spending money on something I can't use. I recognize that purchasing a bed (or desk, chair, bookshelf, etc) is not going to automatically cause me to become homeless, and that it's a CRAZY fear, but it's totally why I haven't bought a bed.
I could have, with my tax return last year, but my laptop was dying, and it made sense to invest in a replacement, (and also that's portable) and I can justify buying dolls somehow, but I just.. I'm scared to buy furniture.
This year I am going to do it. I will buy my bed, and a mattress, sheets, etc, and then I will use the remainder of my tax return for a downpayment on Arvid, because I would still like him, and I can justify him better if I also do something responsible with the other portion of my return.
Now as for what triggered this weird fear, I suspect it's because when Nick and I were discussing our divorce terms, he told me I could take the furniture. I liked the furniture but there was no way I could take it with me. Mainly because I had nowhere to PUT it, since he had kicked me out on my ass. If I had been employed, found my own apartment etc, I doubt I would now be experiencing this irrational fear at the thought of buying a bed.
But, that's where I am. I have an irrational fear of buying furniture.
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About Me
- Rory
- I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.
I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.
I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.
Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.
Maybe not an irrational fear. Buying furniture also means that you're a grownup, a solid, dependable human being who can hold down a job and make rational decisions about money. You grew up with hand-me-down furniture, the kind that can easily be left behind. Most of mine still is. It's only been in the last three years or so that I have been able to begin to replace it with pieces that better express who I am, or what I like (the wicker chairs, the painted dresser, the armoire, the antique bookcases). Kudos to you for facing down one of your fears. Can't wait to see a picture of your new bed.
ReplyDeleteRemember too that baby steps are ok. You don't have to buy a bedroom set, maybe just the mattress set and the actual ($45 or sometimes free) frame to set it on. Then you can look at more pieces here and there. I don't think it is irrational, I think it takes maturity to acknowledge the things that worry/frighten us and courage to face them head on and work towards chance. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteDitto what they said. When you have psycho ex to consider, I'd say that your fear of officially putting down roots, even though you are where you've been for years, is perfectly reasonable.
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