I feel kind of isolated. It seems like every time I try and talk to my mom lately, I either end up posting on her Facebook wall, or leaving a voicemail. I don't think I've actually spoken to her, voice to voice, in several weeks. And while that's not really unusual for me (I don't talk to my family frequently, never have) lately I've been trying to make a real concerted effort to stay connected to my family.
I took it for granted that they wouldn't want anything to do with me, if I transitioned, and now that I'm out, and they are still talking to me, I'm really trying to make an effort. I feel like my poor decision to stay closeted, fueled by fear, has caused me to miss out on years of theoretical love and acceptance.
I want to prove that I'm worth it. I want to show that there's a reason I was blindly clinging to the ideal of family despite differences and crippling fear. I love them. I may not agree with them, but I do love them.
There are plenty of closet skeletons, plenty of shame, upsetting stories, but there is also unfathomable love. I think for every sad or painful memory, if pressed, I could come up with a good one or two. There were times it was more in favor, or times it was unpleasant, but it would be dishonest to imply that it's all bad.
I think we all view our family in a very skewed way. I probably remember things a bit tainted, sometimes bitter, sometimes nicer than things may have been. My perspective is colored by time, circumstances that I can't remember clearly, revelations from family members, years after the fact.
I find myself homesick, not for Texas per se, but for spending time with my siblings, as adults. Not all at the same time, because that just doesn't seem to go well, but one or two at a time, I think I could handle, and vice versa. I can't say as I really spent much time with my siblings when we were kids. We fought alot, but every once in awhile, when it was just one or two of us, we would do something fun together.
I want to repeat that experience. I don't know that there's anything the five of us like to do aside from sing, but even that would be fine. I just want the opportunity to really get to know my family, as an adult.. Because I sure didn't as a kid. I was a selfish jerk.
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About Me
- Rory
- I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.
I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.
I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.
Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.
Love you, honey. I was out running around with Fourthborn yesterday, and the phone was mostly off. Sister Q, whom we both enjoy so much, was at Knit Night last night. Wish I could teleport you here for Tuesday nights.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any comfort, I feel a similar frustration in my relationship with my own wonderful sister. There's no friction, and we share a lot of interests, but there's a two-hour timezone difference, and we talk on the phone a couple of times a year and no longer write letters back and forth, and I haven't seen her since my 50th birthday, eight years ago. We are each closer to our best-friends than we are to one another.
I will try to be more sensitive to your need to talk. My weekly talks with Mom were my lifeline to sanity when I was raising you girls and navigating the shoals and sandbars of marriage.
Miss you, too.
I know you have lots to keep you busy, but maybe save up some of that vacation time and when you come for a visit we can plan some one on one time for you with each of us. Love and miss you.
ReplyDeleteI am definitely trying to come home for Thanksgiving next year, and I should have plenty of vacation hours for that. My vacation rolls over in October, and I should be getting 40 hours to use from that point.
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