I feel kind of isolated. It seems like every time I try and talk to my mom lately, I either end up posting on her Facebook wall, or leaving a voicemail. I don't think I've actually spoken to her, voice to voice, in several weeks. And while that's not really unusual for me (I don't talk to my family frequently, never have) lately I've been trying to make a real concerted effort to stay connected to my family.
I took it for granted that they wouldn't want anything to do with me, if I transitioned, and now that I'm out, and they are still talking to me, I'm really trying to make an effort. I feel like my poor decision to stay closeted, fueled by fear, has caused me to miss out on years of theoretical love and acceptance.
I want to prove that I'm worth it. I want to show that there's a reason I was blindly clinging to the ideal of family despite differences and crippling fear. I love them. I may not agree with them, but I do love them.
There are plenty of closet skeletons, plenty of shame, upsetting stories, but there is also unfathomable love. I think for every sad or painful memory, if pressed, I could come up with a good one or two. There were times it was more in favor, or times it was unpleasant, but it would be dishonest to imply that it's all bad.
I think we all view our family in a very skewed way. I probably remember things a bit tainted, sometimes bitter, sometimes nicer than things may have been. My perspective is colored by time, circumstances that I can't remember clearly, revelations from family members, years after the fact.
I find myself homesick, not for Texas per se, but for spending time with my siblings, as adults. Not all at the same time, because that just doesn't seem to go well, but one or two at a time, I think I could handle, and vice versa. I can't say as I really spent much time with my siblings when we were kids. We fought alot, but every once in awhile, when it was just one or two of us, we would do something fun together.
I want to repeat that experience. I don't know that there's anything the five of us like to do aside from sing, but even that would be fine. I just want the opportunity to really get to know my family, as an adult.. Because I sure didn't as a kid. I was a selfish jerk.