FS: Sweet Dream Piccolo

Okay, I put up a sales post for Piccolo over on Den of Angels. Please, pass it on, if you could. Man, that pain in the ass Osaka kept nagging me! Nag nag, what a harpy! I jest, she just gently reminded me... alot. (Only in the last few days)

I know I'm neurotic, but this is just silly.

So I was encouraged by Osaka, to voice one of my irrational fears. As many of you are aware, I've been staying with Osaka and Pherret and their son Ringo, since Nick kicked me out, minus a 9 month period where I went back to Texas. It's been like three years now I think, not counting those 9 months. In April I think it will be three years, minus from October 2008 to June 2009.

Anyway for this time I've been sleeping on the couch in their living room, since they have a 2 bedroom apartment, and the second bedroom is their son's room. We've talked about me sharing a room with Ringo since a bit before I came back, but I've just not gotten the furniture, or really looked into a storage unit, as I need to do.

I placed the reason I've been so hesitent to buy a bed, and it is the most irrational fear I think I've ever experienced. I'm afraid that if I buy furniture I will end up homeless. Not because I think Osaka and Pherret will kick me out, or anything like that. I'm just convinced that if I buy furniture I will end up homeless. I'll have spent money on something big I can't take with me, and can't easily store.

And, if there's anything I hate, it's spending money on something I can't use. I recognize that purchasing a bed (or desk, chair, bookshelf, etc) is not going to automatically cause me to become homeless, and that it's a CRAZY fear, but it's totally why I haven't bought a bed.

I could have, with my tax return last year, but my laptop was dying, and it made sense to invest in a replacement, (and also that's portable) and I can justify buying dolls somehow, but I just.. I'm scared to buy furniture.

This year I am going to do it. I will buy my bed, and a mattress, sheets, etc, and then I will use the remainder of my tax return for a downpayment on Arvid, because I would still like him, and I can justify him better if I also do something responsible with the other portion of my return.

Now as for what triggered this weird fear, I suspect it's because when Nick and I were discussing our divorce terms, he told me I could take the furniture. I liked the furniture but there was no way I could take it with me. Mainly because I had nowhere to PUT it, since he had kicked me out on my ass. If I had been employed, found my own apartment etc, I doubt I would now be experiencing this irrational fear at the thought of buying a bed.

But, that's where I am. I have an irrational fear of buying furniture.

Change of plans.. maybe.

So ya'll remember how I was fussing about Volks not having Kanata in stock? It may well be a moot point. I am sorely tempted by Iplehouse Special Edition Arvid (in light brown).

I did a mock order, and I could just cover it, with an outfit (not THE outfit) in the light brown resin, with my tax return. If I got him in basic skin nude, it'd be cheaper, but if I want him, I want him in that gorgeous dark tan resin.

I kind of want to make him my exotic tan silver fox. Cause that'd be totally hot. Maybe with a faceup by Lyn. Assuming that is, that she's still taking commissions openly when he does eventually arrive. Cause damn does she do good work with Iplehouse boys.

I really want to get Robbie put together, but basic SD10 boys aren't going anywhere, and neither is he. Arvid on the other hand, is limited edition, and I wouldn't want him in normal skin.

I've had a hard time resisting Iplehouse, because I knew I wanted an EID but they just hadn't made the right one for me yet. Well, now they have. The perfect balance of pretty, manly, and sexy.

I'm not completely sold just yet, but we'll see if I'm still this hooked in about a week when my tax return is supposed to hit.

Volks Kanata, or the lack thereof.

I'm annoyed. I was planning to purchase Volks Kanata direct from Volks USA, for Robbie's body, and make a Kanata girl with the extra head, or something. I don't know.

I took a look on Den of Angels for just SD10 bodies, but they're all old skin, except for one but she won't ship to the US. e_e;

My tax return is slated to hit my account on February 4th, so assuming that is correct, I can buy Robbie's body like same day. Anyone know anyone reputable selling a UVcut Normalskin SD10 boy body? I could just buy a Mark, but I don't like that head, and I don't want to mess with selling a head I don't want.

I am willing to pay a reasonable amount, seeing as I was gonna buy a full doll and I don't need/want the head. So please if you or anyone you know, is trying to re-home an SD10 boy body, Uv-cut normal skin, please let me know.

Shaving and skin care.

So since I've been shaving, I've been having to learn lots of little things to get good results. My current shaving routine is to wait until the stubble is about 3/8 inch and then shave before work. That usually consists of my splashing some water on my face, applying shaving cream, and doing a quick job. Unsurprisingly this results in razor burn, and some ingrown hairs. So, I consulted some of my male co-workers about their methods, and purchased a pre-shave scrub, and aftershave + moisturizer. They're part of the Gillette Fusion line.

This morning after my shower, I got dressed, took my vitamins, and had some breakfast. Then after about a half hour the mirror was no longer steamed up, so I went back to shave. I splashed some warm water on my face, used the pre-scrub, and rinsed thoroughly, as indicated on the packaging. Then I applied my shaving cream, shaved rather the same as I usually do, careful strokes, rinsing the blade between passes. Then I again, rinsed my face, and applied the aftershave + moisturizer. My skin looks great now. I'm wondering if the razor burn and break outs I've had, have been because I haven't using a moisturizer.

I am well pleased with my results so far. I still need to get a good razor, rather than using average disposable ones (schick xtreme 3), but I'm not ready to commit to that yet. I know when I do, I will need to get a good one, and I don't really have the money to plunk down on an electric razor yet.

I'm amused because I was pleased with my shave, enough that I bothered to put product in my hair and style it. I haven't been styling my hair for awhile, enough so that I gave up the mohawk, and went back to a standard short haircut. I stopped a bit after I bleached my mohawk because it was cut in a way it looked fine down too, so I just didn't bother. Plus the weather's gotten cold enough I'm wearing hats on a somewhat regular basis.

Anyway I took a picture this morning before work, after I shaved and styled my hair.


And just for my own reference for later, I'm at 22 weeks on testosterone.

I filed my taxes!

I did my taxes~! Turbotax had their deluxe package for only $20 so I went with that, imported last year's info, and went from there.

From my 2010 records I spent $505 on prescriptions. I've also paid about $300 after medical insurance, for my various doctor's visits and medical tests.

In addition, I have $10 extra withheld from each paycheck, for federal taxes, so that I never owe, and I can always be guarenteed a tax return (however small). I may up that at some point, but that, with my income, and various tax credits, got me a respectable return for 2010.

In doing the deluxe version of Turbotax, several things were brought to my attention. I can deduct every dollar I pay on prescriptions, or out of pocket medical expenses, including copays, if they accrue to more than $901, because I am a Virginia resident. Mine added up to like $885, from prescriptions, copays, and the medical tests not fully covered under my insurance.

I didn't do a great job about keeping receipts for my prescriptions or the medical bills, but I'm already setting that stuff aside for 2011. I will no doubt meet the criteria for that deduction this year.

Plans for the tax return this year, are A, a body for Robbie my school C head, and B, a bed for myself. I have one in mind and if I can get Piccolo sold, I can do both comfortably.

Speaking of which, I took sales photos today. I'll post those up with the info on LJ in a bit, and if there is no interest in my friendslist, then I'll post to DOA.

Today I also refilled prescriptions for both inhalors, my thyroid med, and dropped off my prescription (that needs to be re-verified) for testosterone. I haven't met the deductable for the year yet, so I spent $185 on prescriptions. After I've met the deductable it'll be lower. I don't remember what mine is though, so I don't know what I owe yet for the testosterone.

And WAY over-due I mailed out a gift to my Ravelry friend TricotChico. I had it ready awhile back, but no internet so I couldn't access Ravelry for his mailing address. I was supposed to send it out like, in October. e_e;; It was meant to be a welcoming gift for his Yo-SD. Now it's just ..free stuff, way late. I hope he likes it anyway.

An interesting surprise.

I got an interesting e-mail out of the blue today. I didn't check my e-mail (or go online at all) before work. I generally do, after I get dressed for work, but before I leave for the bus-stop, but I was ranting and raving this morning.

So, when I got home from work I checked my e-mail, not expecting much, maybe a comment on livejournal, or the familyblog, and found an e-mail from Nick. As in, my ex-husband.

And, what really surprised me, is that it was an apology. From the wording, a heartfelt, genuine apology, for several different events from the period of our joint life. It was totally out of the blue, and I'm amazed, both at the apology, and at my reaction.

I don't feel angry, suspicious, or any of the things I might have felt at seeing that in my inbox a year or more ago. I don't know his intention, but I responded. I asked what brought it on, and I asked him about his daughter, and the fate of the cats that we had, since I don't know. If he responds, I may ask further questions, but I feel only curiousity, no anger, no suspicion at the moment.

Today has been amazing for communication. I had a much needed conversation with Pherret, regarding the tension in the apartment, and I feel that we communicated well. Things have been a bit tense since Christmas, due to multiple circumstances, and I think things will slowly start to get better from here, and at least now I know why he was reacting to things the way he was, and I can handle that.

I feel a ton better after that talk, and kind of hyper after reading the e-mail from Nick. It has me thinking a million miles a minute. I'm genuinely curious about how he's doing, and the idea of finding out, doesn't hurt now. I hope he's well, and if I hear nothing more, I will continue to wish him well.

I am happier today, than I was yesterday, happier than I was last year, happier than I've been in awhile. I feel sane. I feel like maybe I'm making some progress in my life, even though there aren't alot of visible (to myself) changes.

I've changed my diet, my weight, my attitude, and I'm feeling the results, even with fighting a cold or allergies or whatever this is.

Despite being off my thyroid medicine for a day or two, and my advair (till Friday when I get paid and can refill them), I feel pretty well. My anxiety comes and goes, but physically, I'm in the best shape, I've been in almost a decade. Psychologically I'm doing much better too.

It feels so good to be honest, to not have to worry about secrets, or lying. Because, to me, huge secrets, feel the same as lying. I don't have anything hidden under that hat anymore.

I feel whole. Even with quite a ways to go transition-wise, I feel whole. I feel good.

I don't know what I can do.

I've been in a funk for several days now. I've not been sleeping well, been worried about work, worried about money, fretting over dolls, etc.

I want to sell some of my dolls, but I can't get past the needing to take sales photos part. I start to get things set up for photos and start fretting. I'm worried my doll(s) will go to some idiot who will sharpie-faceup them. I'm worried they'll get tarted up and paired off with SD or larger dolls. It seems silly to worry about that when I obviously don't want them anymore, but I still care about them. I just feel guilty that I am not enjoying them as much as I enjoy my other dolls.

I have fourteen dolls, if you include my two SD heads, and my Byuri who is paid off, but undelivered. I play with Sarabelle, Ichigo, Starshine, Moonbeam, Doran, Robbie, and sometimes Christopher Owen and Émile. If I sold all the dolls but the ones I play with REGULARLY, I'd only keep Ichigo, Sarabelle, Starshine, Doran, and my incoming Byuri.

I love my other dolls, but some of them are strongly intertwined with negative memories. I can't bond with my Sweet Dream Piccolo for the life of me, and my Customhouse Uranus has given me similar problems. Pairing him up as a sibling for Sarabelle has helped, but I just.. I associate those two (and my Tinatsu to a point) with Nick and Brittany, much to my frustration. Then there's Jessie, my Narsha. I like her, and I like the sculpt, but I wanted a BOY!Narsha. She's very charming, and she's mine, but.. I don't play with her, or really have any developed character or story for her, the way I do my other dolls.

My Souldoll Lune head? I've had him since very shortly into my separation from Nick, and I still don't know who he is, or what I want to do with him. I don't want to sell him because he's irreplaceable. So is Customhouse Uranus. And, I tried selling my Piccolo once before (to Brittany) and regretted that within a two month period.

I'm really frustrated, because I want the ones I can't love, to go where they will be loved, but I don't have faith in the Den of Angels population. I don't want to see them ignored, abused, but I'm certainly not enjoying or playing with them.

Buying Byuri lit a fire under me, inspiration-wise. I want to buy more dolls this year, for characters attached to my, and Osaka's characters. I want to play with my dolls, sew for them, draw them, photograph them. That's how I love mine. I love to dress them, sew new clothes, take pictures, draw them, and just hold them and pose them. I wish I loved all the ones I've brought home, that much, but I don't.

There are some that are too precious to me to ever be able to sell, but I can't play with them either. I want to be able to play with all my dolls. I've had Piccolo boxed up for months, waiting to take sales photos, but I don't want to see him go. I can't bond with him, I can't make a character stick, but I can't see him go somewhere he'll likewise not be played with, or worse.

And that's just my fretting over the dolls.. I've been really wound up tight for seriously about a week, and I don't know how to cut loose.

I was really looking forward to today and tomorrow because I have both days off, but everyone is home, which means I have to deal with tension at the house, because we all get under each other's feet, and therefore skin, in short order. It'd be fine if it were just me and Osaka, or us plus Ringo, but when you bring Pherret into the mix, just the amount of people (plus dogs) is enough that we all get stressed. The tension is driving me crazy.

Homesick?

I feel kind of isolated. It seems like every time I try and talk to my mom lately, I either end up posting on her Facebook wall, or leaving a voicemail. I don't think I've actually spoken to her, voice to voice, in several weeks. And while that's not really unusual for me (I don't talk to my family frequently, never have) lately I've been trying to make a real concerted effort to stay connected to my family.

I took it for granted that they wouldn't want anything to do with me, if I transitioned, and now that I'm out, and they are still talking to me, I'm really trying to make an effort. I feel like my poor decision to stay closeted, fueled by fear, has caused me to miss out on years of theoretical love and acceptance.

I want to prove that I'm worth it. I want to show that there's a reason I was blindly clinging to the ideal of family despite differences and crippling fear. I love them. I may not agree with them, but I do love them.

There are plenty of closet skeletons, plenty of shame, upsetting stories, but there is also unfathomable love. I think for every sad or painful memory, if pressed, I could come up with a good one or two. There were times it was more in favor, or times it was unpleasant, but it would be dishonest to imply that it's all bad.

I think we all view our family in a very skewed way. I probably remember things a bit tainted, sometimes bitter, sometimes nicer than things may have been. My perspective is colored by time, circumstances that I can't remember clearly, revelations from family members, years after the fact.

I find myself homesick, not for Texas per se, but for spending time with my siblings, as adults. Not all at the same time, because that just doesn't seem to go well, but one or two at a time, I think I could handle, and vice versa. I can't say as I really spent much time with my siblings when we were kids. We fought alot, but every once in awhile, when it was just one or two of us, we would do something fun together.

I want to repeat that experience. I don't know that there's anything the five of us like to do aside from sing, but even that would be fine. I just want the opportunity to really get to know my family, as an adult.. Because I sure didn't as a kid. I was a selfish jerk.

Ten days of whatever. Day Ten.

Day Ten: (One confession)

I know, I'm several hours late, and it's bled into the next day.

I really didn't want to this one, but I feel obligated. I did the rest of it. I don't really have anything to confess. I got the biggest darkest secret off my chest over the summer. I came out to my family as a transexual, announced my intent to transition, and took it from there.

I was convinced my family was going to disown me. That's why I waited so long. I didn't want to lose them. I may not see eye-to-eye with my family all the time (specific members rather than in general) but I do love them, and they are very important to me, differences aside.

If my family had chosen to cease all contact with me, the way I expected them to, I would have moved forward in a different way. Yes, I would have been devastated, but I was expecting it, so I had a plan.

I chose a name, ages ago, when I expected the worst. I was going to be Rorek Gabriel Wolfe. Not because I dislike my name, but because if my family wanted nothing to do with me, keeping the family name would have been a constant painful reminder of my past.

I love my name. Choosing a new alternate name was a difficult choice, and as it turns out, irrelivant. I will keep my first and last name (and initials), and change my middle name, from Marie to Matthew. That's it. A simple change, still connected to family, still recognizable to all the places that keep track of me (government, banks, etc).

It's a poor confession, but it's the only deep dark secret I had.

Ten days of whatever. Day Nine.

Day Nine: (Two images that describe your life right now, and why)



My life feels like a perpetual project in process. I'm always working on something, and it when it seems like I've finished it, I realize there's so much more to do. I have partially finished craft projects, half-finished drawings, half-finished dolls, and half-finished me. It's kind of depressing some of the time, but it's what's normal for me, and it's kind of a comfort that it's something that will always be the same. I'm ever making progress, but there will always be more to do.



Similarly I frequently feel that I'm sliding or skating in multiple directions, within a hair of falling and skinning my knees. The more I flail (emotionally/psychologically) the more I feel that I'm going to fly off out of control in an unknown direction.

Ten days of whatever. Day Eight.

I don't know how comfortable I am posting my turn-ons publicly. ..but it's part of the meme, so there you go.

Day Eight: (Three turn-ons)

1. Hairpulling. It's very easy to do it wrong, and I have a very sensitive scalp, so generally I flinch when anyone goes near my hair. It took me a long time to get comfortable even letting hairdressers cut my hair.

2. Biting. Again, very easy to get it wrong. It's not about pain. I don't generally even tell people about it, because of how easy it is to do wrong.

3. Bratty guys. It has the be the right kind of brattiness. Not like a little kid being awful, it's hard to explain.

Ten days of whatever. Day Seven

Day Seven: (Four turn-offs)

1. Particular curse words. Sailors don't generally make me blush, and I can hear alot without being bothered but there are some very specific words that get under my skin.

2. Being overly aggressive. I don't mind someone who is confident or sure of themselves, but don't be pushy or bossy.

3. Asking me to do something far past my point of comfort. I'm an adult. I am willing to step slightly out of my comfort zone, however, I expect my limits to be respected.

4. Disrespect in general. If you don't respect me, then why would you expect me to respect or listen to you?

Ten days of whatever. Day Six.

If you aren't listed, it's only because it's a list of five. There are many more of you who mean alot to me, and you know it. *hugs*

Day Six: (Five people who mean a lot, in no order whatsoever)

1. Steve - We have so much in common, and we've been through many of the same things, but we're different enough we work well as good friends.

2. Faythe (Nekokoi) - You know me better than anyone else in the world. You know me, and you even like me. That's precious to me.

3. Christy - You are my best friend. You've helped me through some really rough things, been there for some really awesome things, and just about everything in between. I see our friendship being a lifetime thing, growing and changing with us.

4. Alison - We've never actually hung out (yet), but I think we know each other pretty well, and I know I can trust and depend on you. You've been there for me when I needed you, and you still talk to me even when I sound crazy. You're awesome.

5. Mom - I know we have our differences, but you have to admit we have lots in common too. There is more of you in me, than I can easily see of Dad. I'm not ashamed. I love you, and I'm proud to be your child, no matter what.

Ten days of whatever. Day Five.

This one was hard for me, because I do have regrets, but those decisions have shaped me into the person I am today, and overall, I like who I am, so I recognize how important these decisions were in the grand scheme of my growth as a person.

Day Five: (Six things you wish you'd never done)

1. I wish I hadn't gotten married at 19, for the stupid reasons I did. I was not motivated by love, but by desperation.

2. I wish I hadn't made the choice to stick it out, when I knew our marriage was over at 6 months. There were real, good reasons it couldn't work, and they were the ultimate undoing of us.

3. I shouldn't have kept my biggest secret to myself, and tried to deny and ignore it when I realized it. It made me paranoid, depressed, and I felt ashamed.

4. I wish I'd had the strength and confidence to tell Nick off when he let his family talk down to me, and say awful things about and to me. There is no reason anyone should have to put up with that kind of emotional abuse. So to phrase it appropriately, I wish I'd hadn't let people walk all over me.

5. I wish I had been strong enough to come out to my family when I was living in the same state as them. I was scared for no good reason. I was terrified of being shunned, abandoned.

6. I wish I hadn't decided to ignore my discovery, for the reasons I did. I was trying to be a decent person, I can say, but honestly I was just scared. I can't say I'd be the same if I had moved forward with transition at age 20, but I'd be further along, I suspect. It's hard to say.

Ten days of whatever. Day Four.

Day Four: (Seven things that cross your mind alot)

1. Sewing. Anymore, I'm almost always thinking about my next sewing project. I have all these ideas and designs in mind, and so little time and resource to do them all, so I'm constantly refining and re-tooling my ideas to stuff I can do and be happy with.

2. Dolls props I can't go anywhere without seeing things I can adapt to be used for dolls, or stuff that's already perfectly to scale for my dolls.

3. Dolls themselves. I'm frequently found looking through doll sites for my next purchase. Not necessarily because I want tons of dolls, but because I love to look at them and think about what sculpts work for what sort of personalities I want to embody.

4. Pokemon. I know I'm 27, and still play Pokemon, but I'm okay with that. :] I look forward to each new game release and pretty much buy them all, where you raise, train etc. Not the other kinds.

5. Chocobos! I've been playing Chocobo Crystal Towers on facebook for about 2 weeks, and now that several friends are playing it, it's even more fun and it's totally on my mind. Faythe and I even have a breeding program in place for superior chocobos. XD

6. Medical disorders. I have some diagnosed medical conditions that are sometimes indicative of more severe disorders. I don't WANT to have those disorders, but I am aware of them, and what some of the other warning signs/symptoms are.

7. Bills. I'm constantly crunching numbers, trying to figure out which bill is next, when I will have money to play with, and what order I need to prioritize my bills and expenses. It's on my mind all the time.

Ten days of whatever. Day Three.

Day Three: (Eight ways to win your heart)

1. Make me laugh, consistently.

2. Be honest. There is nothing in the world that will alienate me faster than dishonesty.

3. Common interests. You can't really fake that. If you're passionate about the same things as me, it's easier to have a pleasant conversation.

4. Don't think I'm weird. At least, not in a bad way. If you like me for who I am, we'll make awesome friends.

5. Really listen to me. I know I talk alot, but communication is important, and I do really listen back.

6. Respect my boundaries. I am very physically affectionate, but there are things I really don't like, that are easy to do on accident when you're trying to be physically affectionate.

7. Don't try dirty talk. Ever. It just makes me feel like you don't respect me.

8. Play videogames with me. :] Or even just watch me or vice versa. I love that. It's a nice way to spend time together.