I'm in a strange, thoughtful frame of mind. I don't know why exactly. I mean there are many factors, any of which could be the main reason. I'm just not sure why it's such a quiet kind of thoughtful. Usually when I say that I'm feeling thoughtful, it's a very busy bouncy kind of thoughtful, where the everything is racing through my mind at a dizzying speed.
Right now, though, it's a quiet, almost lonely place. I'm not feeling lonely persay, but I'm feeling like I want to be alone, in a quiet room with my quiet thoughts. This works out well for me because it's 4am, and the people around me are sleeping.
I've been pondering myself, and how I feel about my body. I've been wondering why I want so desperately to please other people. If I'm to be perfectly honest, I'm a very selfish person. I do want the people closest to me to be happy, and I certainly don't wish the world in general, harm. However, I feel.. that I shouldn't be judged so harshly for wanting to be myself, for wanting to play with toys, for being too complicated.
Often I feel both desperate for Human companionship, but at the same time, I push my friends and family away. I blame my poor short term memory, but I think too much about myself, to think often of calling my family and friends. I want to change that about myself, but I don't know how. I obviously care about how people feel towards me, because I won't make a promise, if I'm not sure that I can keep it.
I don't know how to explain myself, without making anyone uncomfortable. I wish sometimes that I cared a little bit less about what people think of me, but in some ways I don't care what anyone thinks. I want to be liked, but I want to be myself. How do I draw a line? Where do I take my cues from? Society can be very open-minded, but if you walk around the corner, the same thing that was accepted, just the other way, is being rebuked here.
I don't know why I think about these things, and it's very rare that I feel I'm thinking clearly enough to ponder them. I wonder how clearly I'll be able to think when I'm back in the thick of things.
I do want a busy social life, to fill that emptiness that everyone feels. I want friends, and good food, and fond memories. I want inside jokes, and affectionate pets, and most of all, I want to learn to be happy to be alone.
The thought of living in a home entirely by myself, scares me, more than I can explain in words. The thought of moving across the country, so far away from my family, terrified me. I did it, because I was terrified of losing the man I loved, and because I wanted to grow.
I think that I've grown alot, but I still feel like a very scared, very small child, when I think about being an adult, all by myself. It's not just the comfort and companionship of a spouse or roommate. I'm scared of living. I don't really want to die either, but I mean, I'm scared of the pain that happens with daily experiences.
I think that is one of the reasons, that I joke so much, and try so hard to make everyone around me happy. I want alot of things for myself, but being surrounded by people that won't hurt me, is the most important thing.
When I think about the past, there have been alot of things, big and little, that scarred. Some scars are physical, some emotional, some psychological. If I think too hard about those things, I realize they still sting. I don't dwell on the past as much now, as I did a decade ago, but I don't feel that I have accomplished anything worthwhile either.
I've been stumbling along in my life, going from one tiny minute task, to the next. I'm afraid to look at the big picture. The furthest I've ever planned ahead is about five years at this point, and even so, it's.. not really a solid plan. It's another plan that's safe.
I used to take risks all the time. I have the scars and trophies to prove it. At some point, that reckless but brave side of myself got burned very badly and became scared. I can't pinpoint an exact point, but I can think of several big painful pieces that contributed.
I'm twenty five now. Logic tells me that I won't feel any smarter in another twenty five years. I'll still be stumbling along, but hopefully I'll have more to show for it.