Sunday, August 10, 2008

RANT - Ignore if you like.

I just did a really stupid thing... I logged into my Myspace to see if someone I added a few days ago, had posted anything new, which they hadn't. So then I clicked around a bit on my friends and scanned comments.. and stumbled back onto Nick's page.. There was a comment from last month that She wrote talking about how happy he makes her, and how he's the love of her life. And now I want to cry.

It's not that I want to be with him anymore. It's not that they ended up together. It's HOW they ended up together. I trusted her, and tried so hard to get along with her, and kept her as a close friend for a year. A year of my friendship, and she's STILL twisting the knife in my ribs. I'm more angry about the betrayal. I mourn the end of the relationship I had with Nick, because we got along very well, and things were comfortable with him. I loved him very much, and I doubt I'll ever have a relationship that comfortable again. He was the first guy to ever treat me with respect from the start, and while we had rough spots, in the end, he'd generally listen to reason. The only things we ever really fought about were money, and what to watch on TV. We liked alot of the same stuff but he enjoyed movies that I didn't, like the American Pie series, and movies in that particular strain of comedy.

I know there are other guys out there, but when it comes down to it, the same things that made him want to stray (he said I was too masculine) will be something that makes any relationship hard. He never felt that I let him be the man in our relationship. He hated that I like my hair short, and that I'm very social. When we first got together I had a hard time turning off the charm, and he was convinced I was shopping for a new boy, whenever I'd talk to ANYONE.

I'm really worried that no one is going to find me appealing again. People around here, seem to think I'm a lesbian, because of the way I dress, and I'm always with Christy and her son Michael. I like who I am, and I don't want to have to change that again to make a potential mate happy. I stuffed down alot of myself to make things easier for Nick. I kept my hair long for years, even though it made me nearly suicidally depressed. I tried very hard to be feminine for him, even though it goes against my nature. I stopped going out entirely, until we moved to Virginia Beach.

Oh he HATED that. He is a total homebody, and he clings to one person to the world, and resents if they have anyone other than him. I love him, but that drove me crazy. I was a shut-in from about when I was 16, to 19, starting from the rape, and ending about when I got married. I'd go out sometimes when I was friends with Jet, but after that relationship blew up in my face, I didn't leave the house at all, except to go to work, or the store, and occasionally visit my mother or sisters. When we lived with his family in McAllen, we never went ANYWHERE. The only time we went anyplace was if we left work early, then we'd go to the bookstore for awhile. Or, if his mother sent us out to pick up dinner, wherever.

His family is a rant for another time, if I ever fully go into that, but I am ecstatic that I never EVER have to talk or interact with any of them again. I wish some of them the eternal fires of hell, starting before their deaths.

Oh, but I was talking about sociality. He is a shy man. His family never really went many places so, even after he moved away for college, he never really went anywhere. Currently, I'm living with Christy and Michael, and we get out of the apartment almost every single day. Even if it's just walking around the lake(pond) or walking down to the store for something minimal. We get out of the apartment nearly every day, and often most of the day.

Neither Christy, nor I, drive. So, we walk all over, or take the bus if it's too far to walk. We did this for several months before Neil got back from deployment, I've lost significant weight. I'm in better shape than I've been in, since I was about 17. I'm still heavier, but in better physical shape. I feel better, emotionally, than I can ever remember feeling, even taking into consideration my depression that comes and goes.

I'm sorry for going on a long rant, but I haven't really explained anything online, like, at all. Nick didn't really love me anymore, and he loves Brittany because she is apparently the epitome of femininity. I think it's all a show, but they're miserable anyway and it shows, so I don't care. I know I sound bitter. I am bitter. I can't help what I am.


  1. Or maybe he loves her because she is willing to bend herself to be what he wants, or thinks that he needs.

    In a good marriage, people are both free to be their best selves, and encouraged to do so.

    Nick has been in a hard place, stuck between a strong-willed mother and a wife who is still finding her own voice. The Other Woman is an easier choice [take that any way you like].

    He is probably going to fight between a desire to be comforted and [s]mothered, and a desire to be the man of the house, all the days of his life.

  2. Sometimes just writing it down and aknowledging your feelings is the best first step.


About Me

My photo
I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.