Bipolar Disorder: Mixed State

I am currently in the throes of a manic state. I have been swinging wildly between straight manic, and mixed state depending on the time of day and stressors that I come across in an average day. Today was a difficult day. I had a disruptive class experience in my psychology class, after a pleasant casual conversation with a classmate prior to class, and by the time I got home from school I was a tornado, whipping through, agitated, leaving chaos in my wake.

I did apologize to Osaka and Dragonmouse once I was calmed enough but it took sedation in the form of treating the migraine, and stopping to eat something, and then waiting as Osaka was kind enough to make a late lunch, and by the time all of that transpired I was cycling away from lucid, and was just heavily drugged. My pain slowly went down from a 10.5 on the painscale of 1-10, to about an 8, and then I waited a little bit longer, apologized again for the chaos I dragged in, explained that it was not in fact in response to anything that either of them had done or said, with another apology, and went and lay down.

I slept for a few hours, with my migraine tamed back to about a 5, and woke MANIC with a side of anxiety, generalized and acute, and depression.

I could write a novel about all the ways in which this is not an ideal way to exist, but it wouldn't make much sense at the moment. Suffice it to say, there is no medicine that I can take (my psychiatrist tried every drug out there that was safe for me) that can help with these mixed states. I have to ride them out and hope that I am incapable of causing too much chaos and destroying my friendships and relationships.

Osaka has been an incredibly patient and loving friend over our decade of face to face friendship, and I don't know that I will ever be able to fully express my appreciation, though I do try to do so.

I am unwell, and frustrated beyond words that all I can do is try to function and wait to be "better".