I can't tell if this is Bi-Polar Depression or my Holiday Depression.

I posted something stupid to facebook that I feel got thrown out of proportion. The basic feel of it was, if you shop on Thanksgiving day or Black Friday then SCREW YOU.

I have worked retail for most of my working life, excluding only my time at Six Flags Over Texas, which was my first job, and the cell center for TicketMaster that I worked at in South Texas.

That is roughly 16 years of retail experience, since I started working at 15. Most of it working directly with customers, either on the sales floor or in a specialist position. And, I've simply had enough.

My body can't handle the strain of pacing the concrete floors. My joints can't handle the bending down, and getting down on my knees or heaven forbid, crouching to sort and straighten products on the lower shelves. I feel ridiculous about it, as many people happily continue to work retail for much of their working lives, but I just can't do this.

I'm working short shifts, but mostly closing shifts, so I'm there after I'm scheduled, cleaning up the store. I'm expected to be available on my days off in case they need someone to come in, if someone calls out, or they discover they don't have coverage for other reasons. None of this bothered me much when I was 18, 19, and when I first returned to work after being a stay at home spouse for 7 years, but time has not been kind to my body.

While I have been slowly and carefully losing weight and trying to get into shape, my year+ on anti-psychotics tanked my years of progress slowly and healthily losing weight and maintaining muscle mass.

In addition, since I turned 30, I have noticed a huge increase in joint pain, rather than general discomfort, and while some of it likely has to do with my weight, a good portion can be attributed to hyper-mobility, which I have recently learned breaks down the joints over time. I have been double-jointed my whole life. I learned very recently that this is WHY my ankles roll, sprain, and break so easily. This is WHY my arms will pop out of socket at the shoulder, and why I have swelling and pain in all of my joints at the slightest change in air pressure.

And if that wasn't enough to contend with, I just don't have the patience anymore, or the clueless apathy of a teenager to put up with customer abuse. I get ANGRY when have finished cleaning and organizing my designated area and then turn around to put the last item on the shelf and find utter chaos where a moment ago there was perfect organization. There was a time I would laugh it off and start over. Now I grit my teeth and start over. And then I bristle when at the end of the night, someone (anyone) makes a passing comment that my section needs straightening. I have been doing straightening ALL DAY.

Add to this, that I am now bringing home HALF of what I was bringing home on Unemployment, which was HALF of my pay at the previous job. So, while it's a good company to work for, I'm taking home a quarter of my previous pay, for a job with much more daily abuse. I can't even properly pay my bills.

I'm having issues with Mania, and I can't do anything about it. I am taking my meds but I can't figure out how to apply for medical assistance as an adult without children in my state. I know there is a way to do it! I just can't find it.

I'm also having frequent migraines from stress and I have run out of my migraine medicine. I have a script for it, but it runs about $140 without insurance, and I don't have that. So I've been working through a migraine since late Thursday (Thanksgiving) and I don't have another day off until Wednesday. And there is absolutely no way for me to GET my medicine, despite having the prescription.

Things are strained at home too. I barely see my BFF, and when I do, it's "Okay you're home safe, I'm going to bed now, because it's nearly 1am." I'm thankful that she stays up to make sure I get home okay, but because she is exhausted I frequently go to sleep wondering what I have done to upset her.

I just can't even begin to deal with all of this. I have tentatively planned to get a degree for Interpreting for the Deaf through TCC (Tidewater Community College), which is a 2 year degree, because while ASL is not the chosen language in England, if I can work part time (even before I'm certified, but once I have the basics) Interpreters make about $25 per hour out here, so if I could swing 20-30 hours I could save for my international move, and also pay for my living expenses fairly easily.

This IS what I want to do, but I'm terrified. I have no idea what ASL will do for me in England. I plan to learn BSL once I get over there, and I'm thinking I might be able to do translation on a gig by gig basis at Museums and working with tourist groups with the ASL.

I'm just so frustrated, and angry right now.