Picking a name.

I've been thinking hard lately about my name. Originally I'd wanted to keep my birthname, because it can be gender neutral, and I wanted my transition to be as easy as possible on my family.

I know this is a somewhat common problem for people in my position. Some jump in, and end up cycling through many names, just adding to the confusion for those struggling to help and support them. I wanted to avoid that. However, I think I do need to step away from the name I grew up with.

That name calls to mind, a young girl, for many people. And I'm not that girl. I was her, once, a long time ago, but I haven't been that little girl for quite a while.

The further I get along though, the more I see a need to have an obvious separation from that part of myself. I recognize it, and won't deny my past, but I feel that it's important that I take a new name, that fits me.

So I come to my current position. I need to pick a name. If my family and friends have any suggestions, I will happily hear them out. I'd prefer to keep my initials if I can.

Alot of transmen who name themselves end up with (in my opinion) ridiculous names, that out them as being something other than a traditional male. They go for weird spellings or unusual names for the time they were born. That's why I'm asking advice.

I know Rorek isn't a common name. Robyn is an uncommon (but known) spelling for a common name. I want something I will be able to respond to and feel right. I want something mostly normal but a little different, like what I had as a kid. I want it to sound right next to the names of my siblings and parents. And I want it to be something I can easily learn to respond to. I'd LIKE to keep my initials, RMC.


These are the R names I've found in my searchings (for first names):

Ronan - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) little seal (the animal)

Roarke - Irish Celtic boys name which means (meaning) famous ruler

Rhain - Welsh Celtic boys name which means (meaning) lance (implying brave warrior)

Rory - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) red haired or red king

Rowan - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) little redhead


These are the M names I've looked at:

Melan - Celtic name of a Saint in Cornwall and Brittany

Math - Welsh boys name of uncertain origin or meaning but was a historical Welsh King

Moran - Celtic boys name which is believed to mean (meaning) white as the sea


I want something with a similar ring to my birth name, and I think combining some of these can get that. I've leaned towards Celtic, Irish, and Welsh names because of my heritage, of which I am immensely proud. I am open to more traditional American names too.

Ideally I'd like to get the name picked and have my legal name change done before year's end.

Dental Procedure part 2 of 3.

Today was a beautiful day, weather-wise. There's supposed to be some storms this evening. We (Ringo, Osaka, and I) trotted down to the Dentist's office for the second half of my dental work.

It was a bit more involved than I was aware it would be. I didn't realize they were grind down all of the remaining tooth. I thought it was more of a cap, than a false tooth bolted into the root of the original tooth. I wasn't entirely prepared for how much drilling there was, but Dr Furman was very patient with me.

Today they did the post, core, and a temporary acrylic crown, and molds/impressions to send off for my permanent crown.

One unusual thing, was that I was still able to feel the tooth, which I apparently wasn't supposed to, because of the root canal. I've had continued sensation, but no pain, since the initial procedure on the 12th.

And I continue to feel the tooth, even though, at this point all that remain are the roots, which have been thoroughly cleaned out.

The temporary crown feels a little weird. I showed it to Osaka and Ringo and they say it blends against my teeth, to where you can't tell which tooth is the false one. I'm told the permanent crown will feel more natural.

All in all, far less of a trauma than the root canal was, even though there was alot of unexpected grinding and drilling.

I go back in about two weeks for the permanent crown once it arrives to the office. That procedure at least, is supposed to be a simple one, of just popping off the plastic crown, and then permanently adhering the permanent crown.

In the meantime I'm told to avoid gum, taffy, anything sticky and chewy, and hard crunchy things. I miss gum and corn nuts. e_e;;

Awake and Thinking

I find it strange that I am somehow less stressed now that all sense of job security is shattered and I am seeking employment.

I'm still suffering from insomnia, panic attacks, etc, but they are overall far less severe than they were say, a month ago, when I was oblivious and miserable doing what I'm doing.

I wanted to find to new work anyway. I just wanted to find it before I ended my current position.

I'm finding myself even considering drawing and sewing again, both of which I all but gave up upon working full time. My position was technically a part time one, but I regularly had 40 hour weeks, and never weekends off.

I wouldn't want to (and can't afford to) go back to a part time job, but I am finding my creativity weaving it's magic again.

For instance, right now I'm wide awake. I work tomorrow but it's a closing shift. There's no feasible reason I couldn't stay up until the wee hours of the morning sewing or drawing, or just playing with my dolls. There's no light for that, but I mean that's all that is really keeping me from busting out clothes or fabric and playing dress up.

I miss this. I've been too stressed to do anything after work for about a year. Maybe longer. I come home, eat something, make a pitiful attempt at socialization, and crawl off the bed dreading tomorrow.

Right now, I'm energized from a refreshing soak in the tub, and ready to DO something. And, I don't mean turn on the xbox, or watch a movie. I actually have energy to try doing something creative. It's silly how big a deal this is.

I almost feel excited about the impending unknown. And, given my hesitance to change, this is a good thing, I think.

1 year on Testosterone, and why I'm not at Home Depot.

Today was officially one year on Testosterone. If I remember correctly, I had my first shot August 22nd, 2010. Actually I should've made this post on the 20th, according to what I have recorded on livejournal. Even so.

Alot has happened in one year, and I took some photos later the other night when insomnia was keeping me up. I have changed alot physically. It's most noticeable in my face, and so I present to you, this comparison.


It may seem subtle, but when I look at older photographs it's hard for me and others to recognize that as me. Even photos from 6 months ago, or 3 months ago, look different.

Granted I haven't been great about taking photos over the past year. I've gone through alot of uncomfortable changes that I didn't want photographic evidence of. I had issues with acne for several months at the beginning, and it took a long time for that to settle down and my body to adjust.

It's been a long year. It's been stressful. But I'm still standing, and I'm still happy.

The job hunt continues. I've been putting in applications, heard back (negatively) from some, heard back from others that my application(s) are under consideration.

The situation with Home Depot had to do with two (completely bogus) customer complaints. Customer complaints count for more than any other issues, and two was all it took for me to go on final notice, from no issues. It was recommended to me that I could put in my two weeks notice and retain re-hirable status, or I could wait for any minor complaint and be let go unceremoniously.

Because of the pending dental procedure, to finish my root canal, on the 29th, I did put in two weeks notice. This way I will still be technically covered during the time of the procedure, and I can theoretically go crawling back (but apply for a different department) in a few months if I find nothing else.

Other factors, that I had to consider, were the uncertainty of my future in Virginia Beach, which depends on where Pherret finds civilian employment, and the fact that Home Depot already had my replacement hired.

If I hadn't put in two weeks notice, they would have found something insignificant they could let me go over. So that's the whole story.

Job Hunting, Again.

Without going into uncomfortable detail, I've put in my two weeks notice at the big orange box. I'm currently putting applications elsewhere and hoping/praying for the best. Please wish me luck.

My last day at Home Depot will be September 4th. Once things have settled down I will explain in more detail.

I still need a RAGE/ROREK SMASH/etc icon. :[

High-Five your FACE!

So Osaka told me that I needed to share with you, oh friends of the internet, something dumb I did yesterday.

We were in Five Below (a great novelty shop with everything $5 or less) and she found something awesome. I don't remember what it was exactly, just that I was excited, and I had the urge to high-five her face. It should be noted that she was in a fragile emotional state, and gave me a startled and somewhat wounded face when I told her of my urge.

For the record I did not infact, make contact with her face, with my hand, open or closed.

Sorting Hat: Ravenclaw

I stole this from a friend who got surprising results. I like how it gives you percentages instead of just placing you.

Your result for The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz]...

Ravenclaw

53% Ravenclaw, 50% Hufflepuff, 44% Slytherin and 51% Gryffindor!

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,

if you've a ready mind,

Where those of wit and learning,

Will always find their kind;

The cardinal traits of Ravenclaw are intellect, wit and openness to experience. They are the most introverted house of the four. Ravenclaws are more likely to prefer small gatherings of like-minded individuals and require recooperation after stressful social interaction. These individuals are intuitive creatures, the quintessential researchers. They lack the stubborn, strict, and rule-abiding qualities that would inhibit intellectual growth—one can't be too set in their ways if they are to be open to exploring new ideas and paths of thought.In contrast to Slytherin and Gryffindor, Ravenclaws in general are much more emotionally stable. Their reactions seem dampened compared to the sometimes dramatic responses of the other houses—they're much less likely to get offended, they're more open to criticism, not particularly argumentative and interested in hearing different points of view. They can at times seem to be less interested in people and more interested in their own inner world, and appear to be disconnected from the rest of humanity.

Ambition is secondary to them. Although they may strive to excel in school, knowledge and self-enrichment is the primary goal as opposed to simply wanting good marks. If they do happen to strive for excellence, it is because it fits with their other goals, not out of a desire to be superior or the best. Due to their intuitiveness and willingness to listen, Ravenclaws can be empathetic and make good advisors. They should generally leave leadership roles to people who are more extraverted and who would enjoy them more, however.

Take The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz] at HelloQuizzy

The root canal was only a minor trauma.

I don't know if I've ever explained my fear of dentistry. I take pretty good care of my teeth, overall, but for the last 10 years or so (minus my time at Home Depot) I have been without Dental insurance. So my last dental procedure was getting a filling replaced 11 years ago.

Prior to that, I went to the dentist only if we know there was a problem, so maybe a handful of times in my youth. My first experience that I remember, was getting my first cavity filled when I was 9, and my dental hygiene was about what you'd expect of a 9-year-old.

The Dentist gave a shot to numb up the tooth, waited the appropriate time, and then began drilling. The shot had not properly numbed me up. I cried, and flailed a bit, and he yelled at me. When I explained that the shot didn't work, they gave me another. Waited, and drilled again. I still felt it. That time he told me he was almost done, and finished it up.

So, that comes to mind every time I hear that dental drill. And my anxiety goes through the roof. Today, I count myself lucky, because I had a very understanding staff attending me, and when the first shot didn't properly numb me, and I felt the drill, the dentist apologized, and gave me two or three more shots, in a few different places to really make sure I wouldn't feel it.

It worked, and I was incredibly relieved. This time when I felt the drill, it was more of a sensation of knowing that there was something in my mouth, and I could hear it, but there was no pain. One of the ladies in the office lent me her noise-canceling headphones to help me try to block out the sound of the drill.

From there it was very surreal, and I was only vaguely aware of what was going on, based upon seeing a technician handing tools back and forth to the dentist, though mostly I was staring up at the ceiling, when my view was unobstructed by the dentist's hand and wrist. I'm not sure exactly how long I was in there, because by the time it was over, I was in minor shock.

I did end up taking one of my anti-anxiety pills but I felt shell-shocked and was relieved when, after a stop at the pharmacy for a new script for vicodin, I was able to come home and sleep off the worst of it.

The dentist I saw today was a specialist, and told me that he had done the roots, and put in a temporary filling but I need to see my regular dentist within 30 days. I asked how soon was too soon, and he said I should give my mouth about a week before I go to get the post and crown done with my normal dentist.

I'm going to ask if I can get before and after x-rays from Dr Furman, because I was a bit too stunned to ask for the afters from Dr Bernier. It was interesting to be able to see the work he had done on the x-ray, and how bad the tooth had actually been versus what I could see on the first x-ray, which I had trouble deciphering.

All in all, the procedure itself (once I was properly numbed up) wasn't too bad. There was a bit where I was apparently trying to clench my jaw, and my cheek ended up getting nicked, but the dentist was very apologetic, and I think that was rather my own anxiety getting in the way. I didn't feel it happening at any rate. I think the more painful part, will be adjusting to the difference of how my tooth feels because there is some live nerve left it feels like, and I feel a slight pressure from the work that was done. I don't know how that will or will not change after I've got the post and crown.

Anyway, Monday I will be calling Dr Furman to schedule my followup for the post and crown. I want to get this all finished as quickly as I can, so I don't have to deal with it again any time soon. I take pretty good care of my teeth I think, so if I can just get this sorted, all I should have to worry about is the maintenance cleanings and checkups. :)

Two tales of interest and possibly amusment.

I've had a few interesting experiences in the last several days. One of which, was yesterday.

I got called into the manager's office in the early afternoon over a customer complaint. This is the first one about me that I am aware of, and to top it off, I'm not even the cashier that initially upset the customer.

Sometime back in late June or early July (after my vacation and shortly after Father's day) there was an older man (I was told he was 71) at the self check out register. I was passing by, on my way to do something else, possibly get breaks going, or check to see who was coming in, but certainly not just passing idly by. Anyway, as I'm passing one of my cashiers 'K' waves me over. I stop in mid-step and turn to her, and ask her what she needs.

The older man is standing at her counter looking annoyed, and she is giving me that helpless deer-in-the-headlights look she is prone towards. It may well have been a well earned look of confusion or being overwhelmed, I can't say, because I barely remember the incident.

The customer has just used the last of his gift card, and as our registers prompt us to do, K took the empty card and slid it under the drawer of her register. The customer is demanding the card back.

I explained that our policy is to collect the cards upon them being used up, and that bookkeeping processes them at the end of business day.

The customer argues that the transaction is complete so the card is already processed, and he wants it back. He then begins SCREAMING in our faces that the card is HIS property, and it was bought especially for him and he wants HIS property BACK.

So I inwardly rolled my eyes and quirked a brow, but put on my customer service smile and retrieved the card from the register, handing it back to him. I believe I apologized for the inconvenience and told him to have a nice day.

A few minutes later our manager on duty passed, and I relayed briefly that I'd just had the most bewildering interaction with a customer demanding his used up giftcard back. I told her that I'd given it to him, and left it at that.

Fast forward to yesterday, August 9th. I'm called into the managers office with the store manager, and the manager that happened to be on duty the day of the incident. P, the store manager tells me that I'm there for because a customer wrote a 5 page complaint about me.

He asked me if I remember the incident in question and after he said it was about an older man wanting his gift card back, I turned to the other manager and blurted "I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS WHEN IT HAPPENED!". She barely remembered it too, and certainly it didn't ping either of our This Customer Might Be Crazy radars. Cause he didn't go into all that detail at the time. He just stood there looking furious and screaming about how the card was HIS and he wanted it back.

This guy, apparently wrote five pages, at least a month after the fact, about how I was an aggressive, rude person, who probably kicks puppies in my spare time. He didn't actually say that part, but I wasn't given the chance to read the complaint so for all I know he did. He goes on for five pages about how I am a jerk, and unfeeling, and I don't understand his plight.

He wrote a story about how the gift card was a special present from his grandson who is differently-abled and saved up to buy this card for "Pappy" and how he went on and on about Pappy's special gift card, and the card was an heirloom to be treasured etc.

This guy didn't tell me even half this story when I initially told him we don't give back used up cards. We collect them because the computer tells us to. If you shop at the Home Depot, and you use up a gift card, our register says "Please collect card". It's not a plot to persecute you, I promise.

And I GAVE the crazy old man his card back, so I don't know why he felt the need to write a 5 page letter, call my store manager (who explained that I was going with store policy) and THEN apparently write another letter and send that straight to corporate. What. The. Hell.

I was told to write my statement regarding the event, to which I responded "I've been on vicodin the last week because of my impending root canal. I barely remember the events of this week, let alone this event which happened like a month ago." I did write what I could remember but I'm still baffled.



And in less crazy events, something that amused me greatly happened today before work. Osaka has been babysitting some kids who are connected to a friend of Pherret's, on and off for a few weeks. They are two boys about Ringo's age, one of whom is also ADHD like Ringo, and unmedicated, unlike Ringo. They're sweet boys, with pretty good manners, and they get on well with Ringo.

Well today I was sitting on the sofa in conversation with the older boy, who has been using male pronouns for me, when the younger one interrupts and says "She".

Older boy looks at him with a questioning expression, and says "No, clearly a he, I mean just listen to his voice." and gestures towards me.

The younger one eyes me skeptically and says "I don't know, I can't put a finger on it but I think she's a she."

Older boy gives his brother a quirked brow and responds "Then why did Ringo's mom say HE had to go to work later? Hmm? He's obviously a he."

Younger boy turns to me "You're a she right?"

"Nope, I'm a he." I respond, smiling.

He looks from me to his brother and starts shaking his head, "I don't know.."

Older boy says "See! I told you. You're just being dumb."

Osaka says the debate continued even after I left for work. I was very amused, and a bit delighted, because the older boy used male pronouns from the start when he saw me. It wasn't like anyone was making a big deal over it, or emphasising. I don't correct pronouns in the house because it's not usually a big deal and I know it takes a long time to adjust. Osaka is great about it, Pherret is 50/50, and Ringo just doesn't seem to notice or care, and that's just fine.

So my point is, I've never made a point in front of these boys about establishing that I am male. I just woke up the first morning he (the older of the two boys) was over, and rolled out to the living room and greeted the boys as I was getting ready for work. I'm still pre-surgery and everything, so it's purely from whatever changes I've got going on. Osaka says my voice is pretty deep now, and with the physical changes subtle as they may be, it's enough that I pass about 50% of the time.

I am about a year on testosterone now so it makes sense that I would start getting some people (correctly) assuming male without my having to say anything now, even taking into account my chest. People seem to chalk it up to me being kind of a heavy person.

Vicodin helps the pain but not the nerves.

My root canal is Friday, the 12th. I could have gotten in tomorrow, but I would have had to call off work, and things are tight with some people quitting and the newbies not completely trained yet, and also I don't have the personal time. So, it's Friday 1:30pm.

I am nervous, but as my pain as amped up, I'm just relieved that the end is in sight. After the pain, frustration with vicodin and penicillin side effects, and general stress levels, this root canal should feel like nothing at all.

The vicodin has had me moody, short tempered, and blunt. I'm honest anyway, but I mean BLUNT, as in no filter at all, not even the one of social civility. So I've been snapping at people when they're getting on my nerves, and the littlest things have been getting on my nerves.

I've been on edge for a long while because things are complicated in our apartment-life, and with changes comes adustment etc. Pherret, bless him, has been a different man since he's returned from Afghanistan, and has finally come to terms (or at least is beginnning to) with the fact that he has PTSD. He finally admitted it in June when Osaka, Ringo, and I were in Tennessee on vacation, and there was no one home to blame for being totally stressed out.

I like Pherret alot. He's a good friend. And, I've had a very difficult time being as patient as I need to be with him, well before I started medicating for the tooth pain.

With the vicodin, I've been more visually annoyed/stressed by him, and it's been hard to control my reactions. Today I thought I was doing a great job of biting my tongue and keeping my temper, until he had a minor episode in the evening and blurted out that he was doing fine until we all put him on edge. He said something about the tension in the house being palpitable, which is shocking because the things that caused stress in the evening were accidents.

Incident 1: Ringo fell and scraped his hand, knee, and ankle, when walking Bitsy. Incident 2: While cooking our pizzas for dinner, the oven began smoking filling the apartment with smoke, startling us all and worrying the dogs and Ringo, because a piece of sausage fell off one of them and landed on the heating element. Incident 3: Pherret accidently triggered a minor boss fight (and was brutally slaughtered) in Dragon Age when he was trying to save and quit to eat dinner (which WAS salvageable).

All three incidents were accidental, and the only things we could think of that could have set off the episode. Pherret couldn't place a trigger and remained upset for several hours.

Prior to those three incidents, we'd all had a pretty mellow day, joking with each other, chatting, did a grocery run, had pleasant conversation etc.

But that's enough of that. I've also had vivid dreams, waking dreams, black outs (at home thank goodness), and lack of muscle control. I've been dropping things way more than I usually do. My grip gives out halfway through a task. I look forward to the end of that side effect.

The other side effect I've been dealing with is from the penicillin I think. I've got some sun sensitivity. I experienced it starting shortly into the second day on the antibiotic, as an itching sensation and I could actively feel the sunburn setting in.

That said I look forward to this being behind me, and being back to my old self. Without the bad tooth.

Guess who needs a root canal! 8D ...

So... if ya'll remember, I discovered a cavity in one of my rear right molars (on the top) way back when I was living in Texas. I had other things on my mind when I started my medical and dental insurance, and I forgot all about it until about two weeks ago.

Suddenly I could feel it with my tongue, and the tooth was tender to the touch. It got progressively worse and more sensitive with my pain dialing up to a 5 on the doctor pain scale. Wait no scratch that. After viewing this chart, it was at a steady 8.



Anyway I went to the dentist finally to get it looked at, and I need a root canal. I've been referred to a specialist because of the location of the bad tooth. It's hard to get at because it's on the top and in the very back. By the way I DO have wisdom teeth. Who knew? Not me. They apparently came in finally some time in the last 3 years.

Anyway.. I was given a prescription for penicillin, because I am NOT allergic to it, and a script for vicodin to manage the pain until my root canal. And oh boy does it work.

I took one today at work when my pain hit a 9 on that scale, my whole face was throbbing on the right side, and making facial expressions was excruciating. I don't think I have EVER been that cheerful at work. I mean EVER. I was the only one on register for about an hour, had the Head Cashier phone and all, long lines, and I was nothing but smiles and thank yous, and have a nice days. And I MEANT it.

In the morning I will be calling the specialist to schedule the root canal, hopefully for Friday or Monday, which are my days off, and then go from there. My dental insurance will cover most of it.

Incidentally, I posted this to my facebook, with the comment of this is me on Vicodin.