Friday, December 12, 2014

Not doing particularly well.

I have had 2 panic attacks in the span of 13 hours. I'm beginning to be calm, after talking to Faythe for about an hour, and taking time to shave my neck, and wash my face, etc.

I ended up getting sick at work as a result and had to leave 2 hours into my shift, which did not help my anxiety. I was continuing to freak out after I clocked out, as I walked to TCC (Tidewater Community College, not Tarrant County College) which is the bus stop hub, and it just got more intense as I waited for the bus and then walked home from the bus stop.

By the time I got through the door I was completely non-verbal, and I spent a few moments trying to take calming breaths as I changed out of my work clothes into more casual attire, but I was still pretty wound up and anxious for the rest of the time I was awake.

I restored (or attempted to) Ringo's xbox profile which he'd had taken away as punishment a while ago, for a series of SERIOUS infractions. I wanted to have it re-instated awhile ago, and definitely by Christmas so that he would have a chance to play stuff with his Uncle who is coming out for a visit. I can't seem to link his saved files and achievements with his profile though because he is too young for an xbox live account so we never had him with one. I think that he may have to start over, sadly, but I tried to be nice about it and keep that data in the event it could be restored. I feel badly about it, but I will keep looking for options.

I never actually got to a calm place before I slept. I ended up going to bed at I think about 8, maybe 9pm, and woke up half past 1 in full panic. I think I initially woke up because I was cold. I had managed to push my covers up off my legs, and so when I woke I fixed my blankets, but then I was AWAKE and in the full swing of a panic attack again roughly  13 hours after the onset of the first.

I'm not sure exactly what triggered it. It could be any number of things, given the season. I don't do well this time of year. I miss my family, I miss my fiance, and I just feel Guilt all the time. Guilty that I can't afford to send out cards, let alone buy gifts. I will be sewing for Wotan, Ringo's Uncle, and for Ringo himself, and I know what I would like to get for Osaka/Allister, but I haven't seen it at work, so I will have to check some other stores for it.

I am so completely worn. I am thankful that when I wake up in a panic my sister is able and WILLING to be there and listen and try to help me get calm, but I feel like an ass for needing it, like I have some kind of choice in the matter.

I feel so hopeless, helpless, useless. I can feel that Holiday depression crushing down telling me that life isn't worth living, while the rest of my brain is singing with joy for all that I have to live for, and it hurts to have such distinctly different intense experiences sharing head space.

I wish so hard that I could be normal. I wish I knew what normal is supposed to be.

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About Me

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I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.