I can't tell if this is Bi-Polar Depression or my Holiday Depression.

I posted something stupid to facebook that I feel got thrown out of proportion. The basic feel of it was, if you shop on Thanksgiving day or Black Friday then SCREW YOU.

I have worked retail for most of my working life, excluding only my time at Six Flags Over Texas, which was my first job, and the cell center for TicketMaster that I worked at in South Texas.

That is roughly 16 years of retail experience, since I started working at 15. Most of it working directly with customers, either on the sales floor or in a specialist position. And, I've simply had enough.

My body can't handle the strain of pacing the concrete floors. My joints can't handle the bending down, and getting down on my knees or heaven forbid, crouching to sort and straighten products on the lower shelves. I feel ridiculous about it, as many people happily continue to work retail for much of their working lives, but I just can't do this.

I'm working short shifts, but mostly closing shifts, so I'm there after I'm scheduled, cleaning up the store. I'm expected to be available on my days off in case they need someone to come in, if someone calls out, or they discover they don't have coverage for other reasons. None of this bothered me much when I was 18, 19, and when I first returned to work after being a stay at home spouse for 7 years, but time has not been kind to my body.

While I have been slowly and carefully losing weight and trying to get into shape, my year+ on anti-psychotics tanked my years of progress slowly and healthily losing weight and maintaining muscle mass.

In addition, since I turned 30, I have noticed a huge increase in joint pain, rather than general discomfort, and while some of it likely has to do with my weight, a good portion can be attributed to hyper-mobility, which I have recently learned breaks down the joints over time. I have been double-jointed my whole life. I learned very recently that this is WHY my ankles roll, sprain, and break so easily. This is WHY my arms will pop out of socket at the shoulder, and why I have swelling and pain in all of my joints at the slightest change in air pressure.

And if that wasn't enough to contend with, I just don't have the patience anymore, or the clueless apathy of a teenager to put up with customer abuse. I get ANGRY when have finished cleaning and organizing my designated area and then turn around to put the last item on the shelf and find utter chaos where a moment ago there was perfect organization. There was a time I would laugh it off and start over. Now I grit my teeth and start over. And then I bristle when at the end of the night, someone (anyone) makes a passing comment that my section needs straightening. I have been doing straightening ALL DAY.

Add to this, that I am now bringing home HALF of what I was bringing home on Unemployment, which was HALF of my pay at the previous job. So, while it's a good company to work for, I'm taking home a quarter of my previous pay, for a job with much more daily abuse. I can't even properly pay my bills.

I'm having issues with Mania, and I can't do anything about it. I am taking my meds but I can't figure out how to apply for medical assistance as an adult without children in my state. I know there is a way to do it! I just can't find it.

I'm also having frequent migraines from stress and I have run out of my migraine medicine. I have a script for it, but it runs about $140 without insurance, and I don't have that. So I've been working through a migraine since late Thursday (Thanksgiving) and I don't have another day off until Wednesday. And there is absolutely no way for me to GET my medicine, despite having the prescription.

Things are strained at home too. I barely see my BFF, and when I do, it's "Okay you're home safe, I'm going to bed now, because it's nearly 1am." I'm thankful that she stays up to make sure I get home okay, but because she is exhausted I frequently go to sleep wondering what I have done to upset her.

I just can't even begin to deal with all of this. I have tentatively planned to get a degree for Interpreting for the Deaf through TCC (Tidewater Community College), which is a 2 year degree, because while ASL is not the chosen language in England, if I can work part time (even before I'm certified, but once I have the basics) Interpreters make about $25 per hour out here, so if I could swing 20-30 hours I could save for my international move, and also pay for my living expenses fairly easily.

This IS what I want to do, but I'm terrified. I have no idea what ASL will do for me in England. I plan to learn BSL once I get over there, and I'm thinking I might be able to do translation on a gig by gig basis at Museums and working with tourist groups with the ASL.

I'm just so frustrated, and angry right now.

Riots and Outrage in Ferguson

I find myself incredibly disheartened for a second time in my relatively short life, when an obviously guilty person goes free. This case was far more upsetting and obviously rigged than the OJ Simpson trial. I mean, all those eye witnesses, and video of the actual shooting of Mr Brown, and the fact that Officer Wilson's testimony didn't even match the police recordings of the event. Also that several of the Ferguson PD were outed as card carrying members of the KKK.

But of course, justice was served last night, because the white man was just defending himself against an unarmed man surrendering himself to the police, with his hands in the air. There was certainly nothing wrong with the refusal to indite. Even OJ got an indictment. Wilson though he's just an upstanding citizen who is free to gun unarmed men down in the streets, and leave their bodies in the hot sun for FIVE HOURS for the world to see, casually ignoring the city population expressing outrage, except to try and confiscate any incriminating video that might have been taken of the unarmed man being gunned down in the streets.

No, there is no racism in America. None what-so-ever. No racial tension between any two people in the whole of the country. This wasn't about a man getting away with murder just because he could and felt that he was legitimately within his rights to gun down an unarmed man.

Nothing wrong with any part of what happened. Nothing wrong with the riots, the looting, the attacks on the media and PEACEFUL PROTESTORS.

I do not even begin to have words for the depth of my fury.

I have had to unfriend no less than three people within an hour of waking up, on facebook, because of a huge dissonance in expressed opinion, to the point of offensiveness.

We don't have to agree on everything (or even much), but I'd like to think that my associations are with people whose eyes are open and are willing to admit that there is corruption in the world, even in our own country.

Found my original birth certificate, and doll photos!

I was sifting through forms and paperwork (tax information, receipts for medical expenses for the last 5 years etc) looking for my replacement birth certificate which I acquired in 2008 and found in addition and to my amazement, my original birth certificate which I believed lost or destroyed.

It's amazing how different it looks from the replacement. The replacement is colorful, printed on watermarked Texas Government paper, with most of the same information. The original is plain white, hand written, with a mixture of my mother's handwriting, and the midwife who delivered me. It has my date of birth, time of birth, date of filing, and more information including the name of the midwife, where she worked from, and the ages of both parents at the time of my birth, as well as the number of children living or dead, preceding my birth.

It was kind of amazing to see, and I was surprised to find myself overwhelmed with emotion. Some things hold on to that sort of intensity, and that old significant piece of paper is one of them.

I've been waiting and waiting for my letter from the DMV regarding the paperwork my doctor faxed them, and I realized I probably wouldn't hear from them at all since I've never actually HAD a Virginia ID so they had no record of me. Oops. I had my Texas ID, and then my Military Dependent ID, and then a new Texas ID. The last has not expired but is no longer valid as it has my old name on it, and I no longer look enough like the picture to use it even if my name weren't changed. I've lost weight, and my face has changed.

So in about 5 hours I will get up and go apply for a Virginia ID card, taking all necessary documents (including birth certificate, social security card, etc), and hopefully have the new ID in hand within a couple of weeks. I may have to go back and try again if I don't have all the information they require. The required documents were kind of vague so I'm taking everything I have, plus a piece of mail to establish residency.

In completely unrelated news, I took some photos for the Photo Request forum, the first, asking for comparisons of tan resin from different companies, and the second set, asking for thicker/chunkier BOY MSDs. :)

Samir (Tedros), and the Soulkid Shaun, belong to Osaka.

Vivid Dreams of Death.

I had a weird vivid dream/nightmare that Faythe and Rose were in fatal accidents. Jenni was rushing Faythe to the ER, and I think Rose's boyfriend had her safely at the hospital, but the only death I actually experienced before I woke up, was Faythe's.

I remember it, because I was somehow reading INSTANT OBITUARY on my phone, and thinking, that's not right at all. It was reading more like a will and leaving items she longer has possession of, to people who would have no interest in those things. I was almost as upset about that (THOSE THINGS MATTER) as I was distraught that she was dead and I still hadn't gotten to the hospital.

I was on a cross country(?) (I'm really not sure if I was in Texas or Virginia Beach at the beginning, but Faythe died in Los Angeles, CA) trip to the hospital with Bonnie, who somehow was there when I got the news, and completely out of character, Osaka, my BFF was actually expressing that she didn't really give a crap about my family as all they had ever done was make me miserable (which isn't TRUE). Specifically she (in dream) said she didn't care if Faythe or Rose died because they had made me suffer enough(???) and she was tired of it.

I can't make sense of it all, but I woke up terrified, in full swing of a panic attack, and IMMEDIATELY called Faythe, then Rose, then Mom, and Steve, to make sure they were all okay. I was able to connect with everyone but Mom who is currently on vacation but I'm hoping for a text from her that YES she is okay in short order.

I also IMMEDIATELY upon seeing Osaka (as soon as I got out of bed) demanded to know if she was okay, because at that point I had touched bases with both Faythe and Rose, so I was desperately trying to figure out who was dying or hurt.

I'm chalking this up to drifting off thinking about needing to have a valid will (just in addition to other paperwork that needs updating) and the ridiculous stress of yesterday.

I HOPE EVERYONE IS OKAY. I LOVE YOU ALL.

So this happened today.

If my stance wasn't clear before it should be now.

In case you aren't on Tumblr, here is the carefully archived screen capture of someone DEFENDING recasts to someone who asked about them, and the rest of the BJD community it was posted in going "WHAT? NO!"








I had it as one huge unbroken image but it kept getting compressed beyond legibility. You should still be able to read it clearly broken up into chunks like this.

#proBJDartists #anti-recast

Sunday November 16th was Pro BJD Artist day. A day to show solidarity between legitimate bjd Artists, Companies, and fans, and send a clear ANTI-RECAST message to the BJD community as a whole.

Re-casts are theft, pure and simple. If you love a sculpt, support the original artist.



It really is that simple. Be careful in buying secondhand, avoid deals too good to be true, and do your research with sculpts or companies you are unfamiliar with.

Sales Posts!

Okay I have up for sale 6 different bits and pieces to finance Ed, the Grail Doll. Hopefully my Copy/Paste will work, from my posting photos and links on Ravelry.

Alright it took me a bit longer than expected to organize my sales threads. I have the following dolls (and parts) available for Immediate sale.

Fairyland LTF Rachel Faceplate w/ BOY faceup (NS)- $80

Iplehouse Elemental Guardian Efreet (Light Brown) - $350

Dollmore Narsha Girl (NS) - $215

Soom Glot w/ Human and Fantasy parts (WS) - $500

Dollmore Boy Body (NS) - $200

B&G Sky (WS) - $240

I got all the photos taken, re-sized, watermarked, and uploaded last night, but finished close to 2am, and after my browser got hamfist-closed the third time I rage-quit and decided to put them up today after work instead.

So, I have linked to the DOA threads and if you have any interest please do let me know. :)

Mindless fun Meme

Happily lifted from Ashbet. :)

1. You can ONLY answer 'Yes' or 'No'

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks — and, believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming. Nothing is exactly as it seems.
(i.e. No context allowed unless ASKED for.)

Kissed any one of your LiveJournal friends? — yes
Been arrested? — no
Kissed someone you didn't like? — yes
Slept in until 5 PM? — yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? — yes
Held a snake? — yes
Ran a red light? — no
Been suspended from school? — no
Experienced love at first sight? — yes
Totaled your car in an accident? — no
Been fired from a job? — no
Fired somebody? — no
Sung karaoke? — yes
Pointed a gun at someone? — no
Did something you told yourself you wouldn't? — yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your eyes? — no
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — no
Kissed in the rain? — yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? — yes
Saw someone die? — yes
Played Spin-the-Bottle? — yes
Smoked a cigar? — no
Sat on a rooftop? — yes
Smuggled something into another country? — no
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? — yes
Broken a bone? — yes
Skipped school? — yes
Eaten a bug? — no
Sleepwalked? — yes
Walked on a moonlit beach? — yes
Ridden a motorcycle? — no
Dumped someone? — yes
Forgotten your anniversary? — yes
Lied to avoid a ticket? — no
Ridden in a helicopter? — no
Shaved your head? — yes
Blacked out from drinking? — no
Played a prank on someone? — no
Hit a home run? — yes
Felt like killing someone? — yes
Cross-dressed? — yes
Been falling-down drunk? — yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? — yes
Eaten snake? — no
Marched/protested? — no
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? — no
Puked on an amusement ride? — no
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? — yes
Been in a band? - no
Knitted? — yes
Been on TV? — no
Shot a gun? — no
Skinny-dipped? — yes
Given someone stitches? — no
Eaten a whole habanero pepper? — no
Ridden a surfboard? — no
Drunk straight from a liquor bottle? — yes
Had surgery? — yes
Streaked? — no
Been taken by ambulance to a hospital? — no
Tripped on mushrooms? — no
Passed out when NOT drinking? — yes
Peed on a bush? — no
Donated blood? — yes
Grabbed electric fence? - yes
Eaten alligator meat? - no
Eaten cheesecake? — yes
Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? — yes
Killed an animal when NOT hunting? — yes
Peed your pants in public? — no
Snuck into a movie without paying? — no
Written graffiti? — no
Still love someone you shouldn't? — no
Think about the future? — yes
Been in handcuffs? — yes
Believe in love? — yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? — yes

Grail Doll Is ..*drumroll please* Bluefairy Automail Jerome!

Okay! I need to list up my Immediate Sales stuff today, because I have officially secured the Grail Doll!

No more mystery! I will be getting one of (10? 20?) the few existing Bluefairy Automail Jeromes. He comes recently dolly-doctored, restrung, flesh-toned resin has had a gentle sanding to reduce yellowing. All told he is in FANTASTIC condition for a 10 year old doll. This doll was released in 2004.

Thanks to Eveshka, I have two of the photos from the Sales Thread, so this is my ACTUAL boy:


He's normalskin, with the automail arm, and leg, based on this character:

That image is from the Manga. The arm is a slightly different model (the winter/cold model, for then Ed goes up North for awhile).

My Ed will need gold eyes and I need to make his outfit, but the Bluefairy body is different enough in shape that I need to wait until I have him in hand to make his distinctive outfit.

I will have up for IMMEDIATE SALE possibly as early as tonight, some dolls, a body, and other resin tidbits. Possibly some wigs as well. Once I get it together (and tweak my existing sales threads) I will link to them in a new post.

Thanks everyone for your well wishing! I am SUPER EXCITED!

My collection for the Grail Doll if necessary.

Okay so, in trying to scrounge up money to secure THE doll, I will be offering up feelers for some of my collection. I only have a few dolls that I would be able to physically replace for the same sculpt so it's gonna be one of those scrambley "Tell me who you are interested in, and maybe we can work something out" kind of things, because for THIS doll, I would sell almost every single one.

The DEFINITE NO WAY dolls are Avery (Souldoll Lune), Ichigo (Volks Tsubaki), Elli (CustomHouse Mars for Valentine 2005 edition), Robbie (Volks School C on SD10 boy body), Bear (Volks Hewitt 2nd on SDC boy body) and Orion (Batchix Machina). I would be willing to talk price on other limited irreplaceable dolls.

I have up for IMMEDIATE sale, a Narsha girl, that Osaka re-painted in a more general public appealing faceup and less Rorek-specific style, as well as a B&G Sky, a Soom Glot complete with all the human and fantasy parts and a lovely faceup and blushing job, the fantasy parts for Soom Shale (including Unicorn head), a Fairyland Littlefee Rachel faceplate with Fairyland boy-style faceup and an old style Dollmore boy body, but I saw a WTB thread on DOA for that so I will be PMing them first.

I will be taking some photos tonight and tomorrow but if you have interest in any specific doll please either comment below or email me at rorek(at)gmail(dot)com.

I need to raise a sizable sum to pay for the entirety but the seller of grail doll is willing to do a layaway so, I am also willing. If I only have to sell a couple of maybe replaceable dolls that is what I would like to do, but I will do what I HAVE to do, to get this doll. There will not be another chance.

This is my COMPLETE list of current dolls: names, companies, and sculpts.
Ro (DoC Tender Yen)
Elli [Elijah Samuel] (CustomHouse Mars for Valentine)
Ichigo (Volks MSD Tsubaki)
Christopher Owen (Volks Yo-SD Tinatsu boy)
Émile (CustomHouse Uranus Hybrid [Uriel head on Mars body])
Adam Everett Avery (Souldoll Lune)
Robbie (Volks SD10 School C)
Jessie (Narsha girl)
Doran (Soom Glati)
Starshine (Soom Beyla *Unicorn head*)
Earnán (Soom Beyla *Human head*)
Sarabelle (Fairyland Leah)
Simon Oliver (Fairyland Little Bear Bisou)
Toby [Tobias Ezekial] (Iplehouse Byuri)
T.J. [Tyrell James] (Iplehouse Efreet)
Noland (Rosenlied Beige boy)
Apollo (Soom Shale)
Reji Dragonborn (Pukipuki Cupid2 Event Head)
Bear [Kodiak Storm] (Volks Hewitt on SDC body)
Orion (Batchix Machina Gamma)
Rowan (Volks SD13 F16)
Innis (Fairyland Littlefee Elf Vampire Rolly boy)
Amelia (Volks MSD Manabu girl on Swarrico body)
Shen (Volks MSD Enn)
October (Luts Tiny Delf Alice boy)
Zephi [Ismael Zephaniah] (Luts Kid Delf Ttory boy)
??? - (Luts Kid Delf Summer Event Head 2014)

~~~~~~~

And in less related news, I've been getting to read Osaka's NaNo for this year and it is FANTASTIC. It weaves together several characters that I know fairly well and adds depth and history to characters I am less acquainted with. Yay writing!

HOLY GRAIL DOLL

Something amazing happened today but I'm hesitant to say what because nothing is secure yet. A doll, THE DOLL, that I never ever thought I would have a chance at is on the marketplace, from a reputable seller.

I don't want to jinx it so I want say WHO it is yet, but I've contacted the seller and I am scrambling to sell the things I've been meaning to sell so that I can put down a down payment. The seller is willing to do an extended layaway, and I'm really hoping that no one else realizes what she has until I've secured him.

Please wish me luck. This is the only chance I will EVER have at this doll. I will have some sales threads up soon.