Monday, June 20, 2016

Father's Day

I had an intense day. First went with Mom to the nearest branch of her church to the hotel we stayed at last night. I didn't realize it was Father's day. I had an anxiety attack.

I have these feelings of conflict regarding my father, still living, my stepfather now deceased and my potential role as a parent.

I felt intensely this morning, the loss of the children I nearly had. While married, we miscarried three times, and each potential child already had a name. I used to see them in my dreams as a child and up until I married.

I have been around others' children, and would theoretically like to be a parent, but I feel my health could prevent me from being a truly good parent.

I cried all morning and gave myself a migraine. I took my medicine and was notably quiet. I mourn the loss of what might have been.


  1. Hugs. Relationships to parents can be tough, I experience that with my mother (she would not see it in the same way as I do). And miscarriages simply suck. It is damn hard to loose a child, I think it's the hardest thing to do. It stirs up so many feelings, I have no words for.

    1. Mom and I have a much better relationship as adults. I was a difficult child, and not especially kind. I feel that I am a far better person now, and that helps with our dynamic. I am truly a good and kind person now, and while I was capable of that as a child, I didn't have the experience or maturity (and still sometimes struggle) to express when I was overwhelmed or needed space.

      I don't know how to deal with the loss, but I think I will probably not be online or around people on Father's Day or Mother's Day. I just can't deal with it.


About Me

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I'm Rory or Rorek in most places. I design, sew, and craft, primarily for my Asian Ball-Jointed Dolls. I also dabble in interior design, but I'm a little out of practice.

I post about the things I enjoy, which are sewing, photographing my dolls, designing new outfits, knitting, which I started in September of 2008, thanks to my Mom, and occasionally drawing, or painting.

I also post about Life Events and how they affect me and those that I love.

Currently I am living in DFW, Texas in the USA and working towards a degree in Theology.