Mini-meet June 26, 2016

Yesterday afternoon into evening, I had a wonderful mini-meet with Ashbet, her lovely daughter, and Onna and Crockett.

I took a ton of photos but these are some of my favorites. Some are slightly blurry, my hands were shaking a bunch by evening but I had a ton of fun. :)






























The Ayumu and Bory boys belong to Onna, I believe they were in order, Finn, Vejii, and Bey. The Unoa girl, Soony, Woosoo and Iplehouse Panther, belong to Ashbet. The Loongsoul Beck (Twinkle), Souldoll Asiter (Craig), and Volks Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki (Ichigo) belong to me.

Tiny White Cat wanted to be a part of the fun.

A Terrifying Realization

I had an odd realization yesterday, poking at things on facebook and following rabbit trails where they lead on the internet. I was reading an article about how kids raised in strict (or strongly religious) homes react differently to some situations than others, and there were about 50 examples given, some by friends and observers, and some by people who had moved out and still lived very much the way they did at home, and some of the struggles with being a functional adult from that kind of situation.

One of the things that stuck out, over and again, was the inability to make decisions. I can not begin to express that panic I feel when I am asked to choose something if I was not prepared to know a choice needed to be made. I even do it when eating out, reading the menu and mentally preparing myself for The Choice. It's not about the food, the price, the company. It's The Choice.

There was a moment in my youth I can only barely remember that was echoed recently as someone said in an authoritative tone, "You need to make a choice" with a pause, and an expectant face, that was losing patience.

I CAN NOT DO THAT. I tend to have panic attacks when UNEXPECTED CHOICE presents itself. And I don't mean I get a little nervous, I mean full blown tachycardia, WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING, NO NO NO.

It's not that I don't know what I want even, because when I know there is a choice I can prepare myself for it to an extent. It's the surprise choices, where I can't just go, I'll do what (that guy) did. I'll have what he's having. Whatever you like, I don't mind, honest.

I am only just realizing that I do this all day every day when put into any situation where cultural expectation requires choices. In a restaurant, I ask what others are getting, and will frequently get what someone else is getting. If it's a familiar setting, I will order the exact same item every single time, so that I do not have to make THE CHOICE. The safe (I know I can eat this) choice. Or I ask a friend what they like there. Let them pick.

Even when it came to going back to school I had so much anxiety picking out my classes. I was so thankful there was a guidebook telling me which classes I needed for my degree, and roughly in which order to take them. My work schedule made it easier to go, "I can only have classes that are during these days and roughly between these times." I also could make these choices quietly at home or in the library, instead of having a panic attack trying to pick my classes like I did for first semester.

So, when someone tells me, in any tone, any setting "You have to choose" I freeze. I can't choose, please don't make me choose. I can not even handle the responsibility of choosing. PLEASE NO. I will choose neither. I can't choose.

I have no idea whether this really has anything to do with how I was raised or if it plays into my mental health stuff, but realizing it is terrifying. How can I be a functional adult if I can't make choices?

There is no training that I am aware of, that I can take to help me learn how to choose. That it is okay to choose. That no one is going to be angry at me if I choose wrong. That there is not truly a WRONG choice.

I am such a headcase.

Hello Mania, go away please.

It seems that packing and being actively on the move (lengthening the time of the move if not necessarily the bad stress) has been enough of a game changer to help trigger Mania. I am in the SUPER ANXIETY + FAST TALKING/CAN'T STOP TALKING stage, and will be vibrating and nonverbal either by the end of the day, or Monday, depending on factors currently up in the air.

I have checked in with the Bi-polar support group on Ravelry, and with Osaka, and asked her how SHE communicates with me when I get too far gone, so I can pass that on to Mom and others as necessary, but I am seeing a pillow fort and lots of books or quiet gaming in my near future since there is only so much that I can do, having unpacked and organized all that I brought with me. I may rearrange the furniture in MY room a few times.

Mom may have found a dresser for me, free from a friend, and between that and the little one here (which I may strip and refinish, put that energy to good work) I should have enough storage for my clothes. I still need a desk, and a smallish table (to put the dolls and their stuff on), and that's about all I can fit in here I think.

I should have known that I was coming into mania because I've had all these creative ideas and SO MUCH DRIVE, that no one can keep up with my thoughts or actions. Ugh. There's creative, and then there's CRAZY, (and also crazy creative), and finding the balance is hard.

I may post a TON online for awhile to save Mom and others from my crazy, or I may withdraw into video games for awhile. I don't know. Whatever is going to upset others the least, and keep me safe.

Adventures in Babysitting

I asked Osaka which doll she might like most to see (since we both miss each other and our respective dolls very much), and she said she'd like to see Robbie and Owen, so I did a little photoshoot.








Basically Robbie lets the babies play until they fall asleep, and Owen puts away the toys on his own (because he likes to, not because he is asked to), then finds a quiet place to sit and be alone. Robbie doesn't have any little hidy holes in his house so the little rocker in the corner has to do.

Owen tends to prefer solo play or side by side, rather than interactive, and he doesn't generally PLAY HARD OR GO HOME like Simon does. Christopher can play quietly but will do interactive play, and tends to get played out after a short while because his other playmates (Lorelei, who belongs to Osaka, and Sarabelle who belongs to me) are lower key. I'm not sure that he has ever tried interactive play with Owen because Owen tends to go and try to find a place to hide until his brother falls asleep or is completely occupied.

Work in progress.

I said on facebook, but it is worth repeating, that constant re-organization is going to have to be a thing here.

We arrived a day earlier than Mom had planned for, which is good because it took that day, and the day she had hoped to rest, to get the floor finished and the bed assembled. Then I spent the night ninja-ing boxes into my new bedroom as quietly as possible so that when she woke there would be less visible evidence of a new occupant, as it is all contained now.

The next couple of weeks will be carefully sorting through what had been stored in what is now my room, but much of that really needs to be looked through by Mom so that I don't accidentally get rid of important things or treasured memories. It's fine to donate things not needed anymore but I need to make sure I'm not setting aside weddings gifts for donation, that sort of thing.

These are my current progress photos.






This is not my final form, not even close. That dresser is going to move into the closet, and I will hopefully be getting a hold of a larger dresser or wardrobe, a desk, and a side table. I am used to being wedged back behind furniture so that will not be a stressor for me. We also plan to put the bed on another stack of risers, and I would like to see about actually gluing or otherwise fusing the stacks for solidity and safety so my bed doesn't fall over in the night. End goal there is to be able to slip my sterilite containers under the bed, with room to store my yarn and some other bits and bobs as well. The doll boxes, once emptied, will probably be stored in the Garage. Most of the dolls are still IN their boxes for their safety.

The saloon style window coverings will be removed in favor of blackout/UV filtering curtains that are blue or green on my side. The ones I had, were accidentally melted in Virginia Beach because fatigue. We had washed them and threw them in the dryer and they melted. Oops! No harm no foul.

Later today I have almost no visible goals. I woke up to a dislocated arm that resisted relocation back into socket so I am short on spoons. I will be attempting to change out light bulbs for Mom in the kitchen and my bathroom, after I have eaten and the ibuprofen lowers the swelling on my left side. That arm is hanging kind of uselessly but IS back in socket. The nerve pain reached a level that my brain has set aside any sensation from there, so I have this weird dead weight thing going, with a background throbbing and awareness that there is pain but I don't FEEL it per se.

All those cans are food storage, at LEAST a years supply of dried goods for 2 1/2-ish people. There is more that is currently sitting in the living room, but there is no more room at the inn Mary. Some of the older stuff, Mom has given to a friend with animals. Still technically good for human consumption, so definitely won't harm the chickens (or goats, etc), but again, no room at the inn, so we picked a date, and anything older than that was loaded into the Tardis(Mom's truck) and Mom dropped that off with the friend after work last night.

I have been heat sick every day that I've been in Texas, and a couple of days on the road. Summer is not an ideal time to move to Texas. The house thermostat batteries died while Mom was with me, and Faythe didn't know what to check for, so she soldiered through as the temp rose into the 80's and 90's indoors and just kept working. She sprained her ankle at some point before we arrived which slowed down (but did not stop) her re-flooring of the bedroom. I lent her one of my ankle braces to hopefully expedite healing.

I have internet, my laptop, my dolls, and my clothes. Much of my things were left safely with Osaka, who Mom and I will go back out to see, in the spring, and retrieve the last of what would not fit into the truck. I think Osaka also plans to mail some of the smaller boxes or break down some of the larger boxes as she can, and that will also help. :) I have downloaded a WiFi-based free texting app, so if you need my number email me or hit me up on facebook. This is probably a temp number, but it's better than none at all.

Getting Settled in Texas.

Mom and I arrived safely yesterday afternoon and made relatively short work of unloading The Tardis (Mom's truck), with Faythe's assistance. Then we dug the mattress out of the garage, did a little bit of team effort work in the bedroom and eventually slept.

While Mom was taking the scenic route back to Texas with me, the batteries in her thermostat fried so we came home to the house in either high 80's or low 90's Fahrenheit. I can't recall exact temp, but after trying to cool down I determined that I was melting. It finally cooled enough for sleep about 5am. I need a temp of roughly 69F for optimal comfort. Dipping into the lower 60's puts Mom (and me) at risk for bronchitis and pneumonia respectively. Anything higher than 75F makes me heat sick very quickly.

I was delirious with migraine and heat sickness both today. I've drank and sweat gallons of water, no exaggerations. I can clearly remember waking up, and going to Home Depot, then Lowe's for more metal shelving and fan pulls. Then I was sick.

I don't remember much clearly until a loud sound woke me. Head pounding, sweating, pale and red in the face. It turned out to be Mom and Faythe team working on the shelving unit. I ate something, I think a ham sandwich, and did my migraine food thing (something salty, something sweet, little bit of caffeine, generally in Mountain Dew form), with plenty of water.

I recovered enough to help out in the bedroom. The flooring has been all Faythe so far and is a bit over half done, which us especially impressive without functional air conditioning and a sprained (?) ankle. We got the food storage shelves nearly full, got loopy from fatigue, and ended for the night. I believe priority tomorrow is to finish the floor, cram more food on the shelves (dry goods), and find the bed frame in the garage and assemble it.

Bonus points if we can find a home for the legitimately EXTRA dried goods to get them out and to anyone that could use them.

I took some photos of what the room looks like in progress.











That's pretty much what we have right now. Dolls are in boxes, and suitcases are in the closet but we need to finish consolidation of those boxes (that's all food, not my stuff), and get the floor finished so we can put the bed together and move my stuff in from the living and dining rooms. :)

Father's Day

I had an intense day. First went with Mom to the nearest branch of her church to the hotel we stayed at last night. I didn't realize it was Father's day. I had an anxiety attack.

I have these feelings of conflict regarding my father, still living, my stepfather now deceased and my potential role as a parent.

I felt intensely this morning, the loss of the children I nearly had. While married, we miscarried three times, and each potential child already had a name. I used to see them in my dreams as a child and up until I married.

I have been around others' children, and would theoretically like to be a parent, but I feel my health could prevent me from being a truly good parent.

I cried all morning and gave myself a migraine. I took my medicine and was notably quiet. I mourn the loss of what might have been.