Kidney stone has left the Rory.

So, Monday I went to the ER and was diagnosed with a small kidney stone.

Tuesday, I went to class and then mailed off a small package to a German friend to help her out (she needed a neck donut for her hybrid doll). It was very cold about 20F, and I was stranded in the cold about 3 hours between buses because I missed one by about a minute (saw it stop, couldn't get across the street to it), and then when I caught the next one, the connecting bus had broken down.

Anyway when I got home, I was FREEZING, so I went straight to bed, curled up under all my blankets, and asked Osaka to please wake me in the evening so that I could eat something and take my evening meds. When I woke, I ate, took my meds, and felt kind of ill, so I went to the restroom and had a fever hit me. I had what I thought was a reaction to the morphine after the fact, but it turned out to be the stone breaking free from my kidney. I ended up stripping out of everything I was wearing and curling up in the fetal position until I felt something pop and I felt a burst of relief and then I got re-dressed, washed my hands and face, described what had happened to Osaka, and realized the pain had moved from my kidney to my lower back. It hurt like hell, and everything was raw.

Over the next several hours I had several "I need to use the bathroom" urges that turned out to be false and the stone progressed further. I continued to drink water, and I took ibuprofen since I was never able to get any actual pain relief medication.

Wednesday I had a short work shift. I went to work, the pain was mostly still in my lower back, and I was very thankful it was a short shift and passed quickly. When I got home it was more of the same. Pain, running back and forth the the restroom, drinking lots of water, ibuprofen as often as I could safely take it.

Thursday I had class. I was up into the wee hours hoping to pass the stone before class but that didn't happen. So I went to Psych class, ran back and forth to the restroom several times, and emailed my afternoon class professor that I would not be able to attend class because I was actively passing a kidney stone. She responded with understanding, and told me to feel better and not to worry about it.

I came home. I went to bed. I woke up. I drank water. I had an incredibly painful urination which is when I think I finally passed the stone. I chalked the pain up to dehydration from having been asleep, or just being raw or something. Two or three hours and trips later I realized I was in somewhat less pain and that it burned, and that there was an abrasion in the urethra. I realize this is rather more information than most might want, but I had a hard time when I was researching finding anyone having actually shared any REAL information on what they went through and so I am sharing because sharing is caring.

Of note, it doesn't stop hurting just because the stone is gone. I can still feel the painful path it took from my kidney down to my bladder and out, all of it, in raw swollen detail. Also while my kidney is less swollen, my back muscles are still hyper protective and clamping down on my left side over it. I also can't PROVE it's gone (without another CT scan) but the original CT scan showed only one stone, and I have tears in sensitive places on the outside where it would have come out, so I'm pretty sure it passed.

So that's it. Kidney stones suck. I have a very high pain tolerance and I would not repeat this experience again voluntarily for any amount of money in the world.

I have a kidney stone.

So. I have been in unspeakable pain for about two weeks in varying degrees mostly in my back and joints. I finally broke down and looked up the symptoms and it looked like it was an autoimmune response (which is within the realm of possibility) for an infection, and given the pain, that it was PROBABLY a kidney infection. So I agreed with Osaka last night that I would go to the ER today. I didn't want to, but I agreed to go.

And so I got up, got dressed, texted a friend who offered yesterday (and has been telling me for a week that I look sick and should go to the doctor) that I was ready to go to the ER. She dropped me off, because she had a sick wife at home who needed tending to, and I went in, described my symptoms, was weighed and I've lost 25 pounds since November somehow. Which, is alarming. I do need to lose some weight but this is not the way to do it.



Anyway they freaked out that my blood pressure was normal but my heart rate was about 97bpm. Then after a very short while I was taken to a room, asked to strip (except for my underpants) and put on a medical gown and a nurse would be in to see my shortly.

They took urine and blood, did a CT scan, did a thorough physical exam of my back where it's stiff and swollen, and the CT scan revealed a single small kidney stone and massive swelling and strained muscles on my left side surrounding the kidney. The doctor thought that I had probably twisted my back at some point as an active talker and simply not realized it until later, potentially further injuring it at work lifting heavy items as a cashier.

Before the doctor came back with the results he sent the nurse in with a bag of IV saline and a syringe of morphine much to my confusion. I did not ask for pain relief at all. I was asked consistently where my pain was at, and I was honest, but I never asked for anything for it. I think that he ordered that morphine when he saw the results of the CT scan. Unfortunately I wasn't expecting a painkiller and nearly got violently ill as I was asking what the medication was as the nurse put it in my IV. She did get me zophran after doctor approval, and seeing the color drain from my face and my hand clamp over my mouth vice tight. I tend to have a violent nauseous reaction to the stronger pain medications.

It's really going to suck when I pass this kidney stone. I need to go and see Dr Chou for a follow up and ask him about a script for something to have on hand for WHEN that happens and also ask if there are any dietary changes I need to make to make the process easier other than DRINK ALL THE WATER.

Mystery Bruise

I am in ridiculous amounts of pain and I really don't think a doctor visit will do anything at this point. I have a mystery bruise on my back that popped up.. Monday? It's deep, just a shadow at skin level, about 9 inches long, by 4 inches wide, off center from my spine. It hurts. My whole back is in screaming agony.

I also have what I call tissue paper joints. If anyone were to go poking and pulling they could easily and accidentally dislocate things. So.. on the one hand the bruise is not going away on its own and that concerns me, and on the other hand I don't want some ignorant ham-fisted medical person dislocating a rib or injuring my spine or, on a third hand to be fat shamed like I have spontaneously bruised my back by being heavy.

Resting has not helped. Moving has not helped. Ibuprofen has not helped. I can't take anything stronger because it would interact with my migraine medications (which like the goggles do nothing).

Ro was 10 on August 29th 2015.

I have excuses, lots of them in fact but we won't go into them. A ten year anniversary is a big deal. Osaka was kind enough to get Ro painted up for me beautifully for me shortly after I got his whiteskin Bluefairy body in residence and then I got his eyes and he sat waiting patiently as I determined that most of his clothes don't quite fit the way they did on the dream of doll body. They didn't fit the Dollmore body either, but I was expecting them to fit the Bluefairy body well, since Ed wears some of the stuff well.

Basically I need to make Ro an entirely new wardrobe and see what can be altered to suit. He's still Ro, and still beautiful and still mine and I will never ever get rid of him. He was my first doll, and he was perfect out of the box, and it's not his fault I mucked it all up.

Anyway he's whole again, on a new body, with beautiful hands that poses a bit better than the old one, is slightly more mature looking, and he still is just my beautiful boy.

For contrast, grainy webcam day of arrival photo(s) from August 29th 2005:


In contrast we both look rather different now ten and almost a half years later.



Ro is always going to be my special boy. All of my dolls are special, but he was the first of many and the unruinable, though it took years for the poison and drama associated with THAT person to fade enough for me to be able to touch him again. I still can't touch Christopher Owen much, and most of the ones I had have sold or been traded away, that she touched. Of that group, remaining I have Ro, Ichigo, Christopher Owen and Émile. Ichigo and I have had bonding issues of our own but come through it. Ro was in a box for awhile and it wasn't until I sold that Dollmore body that I was able to properly re-connect with him. Now I just need to figure out how to cleanse the drama from Émile and Christopher Owen because I refuse to let either of them go.

This post isn't about her though. This is about Ro. Here are some of my favorite photos of him over the years!



Edited to add that Osaka pointed out that I still have Elli, which I did not list as one of the remaining dolls I owned during the era of doll drama. I didn't mention him mostly because I did not let her touch Elli. Even drugged up on Zoloft and made into a yes-zombie who agreed to almost anything I wouldn't let her NEAR Elli. He was far too special and far too irreplaceable. His 10 year anniversary is next year.

Ill.

I woke up at ..2amish and now am wide awake. I went to bed early with a fever. I felt off all day yesterday and finally took my temperature in the evening after work and it was 100°F. My normal running temp is exactly 96.5°F. 

So I took some motrin, to bring the fever down, agreed that if my fever was still high in the morning I'd go to the doctor, and had my dinner. I don't think I have ever enjoyed eating less. Just nauseous, constant pain past my threshold, off the pain scale, my joints felt made of hot gravel and the connecting tissues felt like aching burning tissue paper, fragile and something to be careful of.

Shortly after I got home, but before I could make myself eat, I asked for help from DragonMouse with changing the sheets on my bed and he was kind enough to do so. So, with fresh sheets on my bed, I took my evening meds, apologized to Osaka, and went to bed very early because sick.

And now I am wide awake, fevered, cold, aching, and I've already taken motrin since I woke up so I'm just awake and in agony. Ugh. I don't want to go to the doctor.

Sorry for whining so much lately. I love you  guys, and I appreciate your listening/reading.

Anxiety Dreams, Pain, and General Crap.

I had from what I can remember of ..Saturday into Sunday's dreaming, an anxiety dream in which I was back in middle school, and aged roughly at twelve. I was definitely all my life experience brain me, but in my pre-puberty body with only the early weird stuff going on, and the nobody taking me seriously stuff.

In this dream, I had one of my recent college professors as a different subject teacher and I spent the whole block arguing at their desk that I was not 12 years old, that they were teaching the wrong subject, that we were in the wrong school, the wrong state, just that everything was wrong. And I remember just.. SO MUCH RAGE.

The person in question had the same sort of attitude most adults did when I was twelve, which was just kind of "I don't quite know what to do with you" which to be fair is still rather the case. They were pretty patient with me despite my arguing through the whole class block but I was like red in the face and just pounding my fist on the desk mad, demanding to be taken seriously, and just.. not being taken seriously.

Who is going to take a 12 year old seriously when they are telling people that they are a 32 year old college student?

I woke up pretty confused and it took me most of the day to kind of piece together what I had dreamed through migraine fog and pain haze.

On a Rory pain scale of 1 to 20, I was at about an 18 today. Also I got written up today for all my medical absences at work. All the ones with doctor's notes. I have been encouraged to pursue FMLA, which would allow me a number of medical call outs per month without penalty.

I'm in the negative for spoons. Tomorrow I sleep, today I guess. I sleep, and listen to calm music, and if my damn hands will keep from swelling too much I will sew my Pokemon patches to some t-shirts so that Robbie and someone in MSD or Yo-SD scale can get new t-shirts. Sewing. I've been wanting to sew all week.

A rant.

Stuff your face with delicious high calorie foods and don't you dare hold back because everyone worked really hard making those sweets and savories! Okay now it's January and you are FAT. Doesn't matter if you actually held back and haven't gained an ounce. We the media are telling you, you are FAT. Buy these diet pills, join a gym, for the love of all that's holy please do not consult your doctor or be responsible, and go buy a track suit and running shoes.

Okay how about those of us that try to manage our weight and food and calorie intake and balance our exercise year round? Nope? Still gonna target me because my medical conditions make me appear much fatter than I actually am? Thanks for that.

For what it is worth I walk or bus everywhere. My thighs are pretty solid muscle. My arms and core muscles have weakened over the year as I've been in and out of the hospital but pre-June, I was fairly fit under my chub.

I have a baby face. Look at this face (Dec 31st 2015). Is it soft? Yes. Is it FAT? No. Look at the neck.


Am I chubby? Yes I am. Do I carry extra weight, yes I do. Much of it requires surgical removal. I have lost most of what I can with careful diet, exercise, and medication as appropriate for my medical diagnosis.

I am so bloody sick of American advertising. I know it's not likely to be different anywhere else. I'm just so burnt out on it. I'm ready to throw myself back into my studies and resurface back into reality in a few years and see what I have missed or (not) missed.

Some days I wonder how I keep my mouth shut.

I had an incredibly surreal experience today. If I didn't know I had been awake I would have attributed it to a stress dream, because I have had dreams in this vein early into other retail jobs when I'm not quite sure what I'm doing.

So, today I woke and had a calm quiet start to my day, which was a stark contrast to yesterday where I stumbled out to the bus stop without my ankle brace, realizing after the fact that at some point over the last several days in the many times I had tripped over something I had seriously twisted my left ankle. ALWAYS THE LEFT ONE.

Anyway I got to the bus stop, figured I would put on my ankle brace after I got to work and realized about 15 minutes after the bus should have arrived that.. the bus was on some kind of Holiday schedule. So I pulled GoHRT.com and discovered it was on SUNDAY schedule which means no bus. Which means no work, because I have already stumbled on an injured ankle to the bus stop and I do not have time to stumble home, brace it and get to work on time, and I do not have the pain meds to do that, RUN on that injured ankle the almost 2 miles to work, work the 6 hour shift, and walk back home. Then the migraine I had been fighting all week kicked back in. So, I walked home, called work, explained that I had injured my ankle and would not be able to walk to work and back and the buses were not running because New Years but that I would be there for work tomorrow (Today) and Sunday.

So today I had a nice quiet morning, and even slept in a bit. I had some breakfast, braced my ankle, caught the bus at a reasonable time, clocked in on time, and promptly found that.. all the registers were not functioning correctly. Okay well I know some of the tricks, reboot this one, jump on that one, go from there. Shortly after I arrive the person on the self-check machine goes home and I take over to find, that not only is the pin pad not functioning but the register is freezing every other transaction. Also about this time the rest of the cashiers go home.

So now, I get to explain as calmly as I can manage (with a migraine of course, and no medicine on me except motrin which is like taking sugar pills) that,

"No you can't do Military discount on self check, and yes I am the only cashier and no I can't ring you out right now because my register is rebooting.

Yes I would be happy to ring you out but it will take about two minutes for this to come back up, one moment please let me help that customer...  because I can actually assist them.

No they aren't line jumping, that is why I am HERE at self check, I'm not actually here to ring people out.

Okay now I can ring you out.. Okay I'm sorry but I'm going to have to manually key in your credit card. I need to see your ID please. Why? Because I'm manually typing in your credit card and you've written see ID. Well I can't give you the military discount without the ID either.. No speaking to a manager won't change that. One moment please... I'm sorry my phone isn't working."

*frantic dialing of Customer Service Desk, in which the phone cord falls out*

Just.. This is.. retail.
Why am I in college? Read that scenario. Repeat for 16.5 years about 5-6 days a week for between 5-9 hours per day, with only breaks as required by law per state or federal guidelines. NOT THAT I AM COUNTING.