Not doing well.

I can feel myself slipping down. My manic swing is nearing its end, and it was very long this time. I think I'm bypassing "average" and sliding straight into seasonal depression a bit early this year.

I've slept fine for a couple of nights now, going to sleep at a reasonable hour and getting up at a reasonable hour, and not taking naps. So that's progress? Or maybe I'm misremembering. It's hard to say. Reality is fraying a bit at the edges. I feel like I'm worrying a string and seeing through everything as I tug too hard and unravel my perception of reality.

I've reached that place where I can't listen to my "calm down" music. My anxiety is through the roof, and my expectations are falling through the floor. There are a bunch of things I NEED to do, as well as plenty that I would LIKE to do, but I am incapable at the moment.

I need to finish and take in my paperwork to get a new social security card. I need to go see my doctor and talk to him about the letters I need. I need to do that FIRST according to the list I have, since if I do that first it paves the way to do the rest smoothly.

I need to have him send a form to the DMV, and once I receive a letter saying they've received it, I can go and get my new ID, and then with THAT, I can go to the social security office and get a new card, and with both of those, I can get everything changed at banks, credit cards, etc. I will also have what I need for my passport and can get that as soon as I am employed again. Then I will have that and can just be READY for when I go to England.

I need to do all of this and I was in a great place to do it like a month ago, but I just.. didn't. My ankle was still healing and money is tight so I couldn't just take the bus up that way..

I'm still shaky on that ankle. I think it's healed up properly but I thought that before and immediately re-injured it.

I'm terrified of the future. I have no idea what to plan for, and I'm in a bit of a panic.

I also need to get copies of my medical and psych records, and copies of my marriage and divorce papers to have to take with me. I will need to keep the medical and psych stuff up to date.

I'm wibbly and I want to go crawl in a dark corner and cry for the rest of my life. Ugh.

Getting Innis Together

A week ago, I contacted a seller on DOA about a some Soom fantasy parts. I've been searching for the right horns for Innis for some time, and I decided to go more Chinese dragon, with the antler style horns since I can't find any other horns that I really like. I stumbled across the Andes/Tona deertaur antlers for a very reasonable price and I think they will be perfect.

They got back to me today, after I had allocated the money to something else (I waited a week), and I asked if they would mind holding them until Wednesday, when I could squeeze some money together. They said that was fine, so Innis will be getting these, barring unforeseen circumstance.


I also have been looking at wigs since Innis wants something different, and more regal robes. I've looked at Monique, and also on Ebay, and Luts and have found a few different ones I like. I'm torn between these two for him so when it comes time I will probably order both. =_=;


I think once I have the horns and new wig, I may redo his faceup since I did a really sloppy half-assed job when I first did it. You can't tell under all that fluffy hair but it would be more obvious with a wig that didn't hide his face.


I want something like this for Innis but in mint green and sky blues. I will have to see what I have in brocades and bribe/beg Osaka/Allister to make something beautiful befitting a Dragon prince.

He also wants simple white loafers, of which I found two acceptable pairs at Mint on Card.

I should have known a Dragon would be demanding. @_@

Some thoughts.

My sleep continues to be erratic. I woke a little before midnight while it was still technically Monday. I think I slept about 8 hours, but I was up for a full 24 prior to that. I keep having long weird erratic days and short naps or really long periods of sleep. It's frustrating.

I can't remember the last time I actually left the apartment. I think I went to the store once last week maybe. My life has been AWAKE, job applications, fidget, mania, sleep, insomnia, repeat. I eat when Osaka reminds me to.

It seems like the Lithium messed up the way that I experience hunger (this happened in my teens when they had me on Paxil and Depakote), in a long term way. It took about a decade to discern discomfort of hunger from general abdominal discomfort the first time. I wonder how long it will take this time. It doesn't help that I don't realize I'm hungry and get a legitimate stomach ache before it occurs to me to try and eat.

I feel tired, and angry, and it has to do with fatigue and very little else.

Yesterday I was hoping to hold out until the evening and go with Ringo and Osaka for cheap burger night at Finns, but at about 1, maybe 2, I reached a place that even if I couldn't sleep, I needed to remove myself. I was being cross, and unpleasant, and that's not fair to anyone who has to interact with me.

I asked Osaka to try and wake me when she and Ringo returned from his dentist appointment, and she did try, but I give any kind of response. She said the only way she was sure I wasn't dead was that I was snoring.

I think I need to be tested for sleep apnea when I am working again and theoretically have health insurance again. I've been debating it for probably a year and even with my losing weight, my sleep hasn't improved.

I've been reading quite a bit lately. Mostly stuff published online, but I'm almost ready to pick up the Harry Potter series and re-read it. It's been a long time since I've read a paper book. Holding books hurts my wrists. I have a Nook Color but I've hardly touched it since I got it. I got it after we got Pherret one for Christmas several years back, and I had so much fun getting his set up.

I have pondered selling mine. I don't use it, but I think an e-reader would be easier on my hands and wrists than books are. Part of the problem is that my preferred reading posture is draped over furniture like a cat. I do the same thing with my DS. It wasn't an issue when I had a room all to myself and could squirm all over my floor or bed, but it's kind of an issue sharing space.

I'm so tired. Not sleepy. Tired.

Talk of chest surgery.

This is kind of a delicate thing but I feel the need to put it out there. I have been going over the whats and hows and I pretty much have it figured out for the rest of my transition.

My plan is to do all the paperwork and finish the legal end, and then either try to raise money for chest surgery here in the US or wait until
Steve and I are legally married in the UK and deal with it then.

On the one hand, I would really prefer to be done with it proper before I get married, so I don't feel at all self conscious in wedding photos worried about whether or not my binding is obvious. Also my general health would improve without all that literal weight on my chest, including alleviating back pain.

On the other hand I want to be reasonable and think that we might be able to get it partially covered by the NHS if I wait until we are legally married in the UK. However it could be that we still have to pay for it privately, in which case, why the hell am I waiting? We can't afford it either way, and this is a necessary surgery for medical as well as psychological health.

The things that I'm dealing with are that I am currently not employed. Even if I WERE employed, insurance refuses to cover even a portion of chest surgery, even though there are real medical reasons for it, aside from being transgendered. That, and even if I wait to go to the UK, if NHS won't cover it (even partially) that means that my dear sweet husband has to be willing to pretty much pay for it in it's entirety because I won't be able to work until my citizenship is completely sorted, which could be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. And while I am sure he would do that for me, I don't think he should HAVE to.

So one of the things that I am considering is using a fundraising site to try to gather enough for chest surgery. There are several surgeons in the Virginia Beach area, and several on this coast, so I could garner enough for the average quote for surgery and a bit for traveling costs and be okay.

The main reason I am even considering this as an option is that, I am having a difficult time finding work, and even while I am working, every cent I have, is immediately going to rent and bills. The money that I managed to set aside previously immediately went to having my wisdom teeth removed, and I have not been in a position to set aside any money since.

So, I want opinions. What are the odds that I could raise enough money via a fundraising site (%100 transparency, everyone will know exactly what they money is going to)? Also, how do I get past that part of me that feels like asking for help is wrong? I mean any help, not just financial. Asking for help makes me feel weak, helpless, and worthless, but there is just no way that I can raise enough on my own.

Based on the quote I got at the last surgeon that I visited, I will need at least $9000, and if I have to travel to a different surgeon (like a specialist) it will be closer to $12000, including traveling costs.

So, if I decide to go with a fundraising for medical reasons site, who should I go with? I know there are a few different options, and the average fee they take is about %8-9 total.

Is it a pipe dream? Do I just have to suck it up and live with binding for the rest of my natural life? Thoughts?

My initials are still RMC.

In exciting news, I received back my name change paperwork today. I was a bit drugged from migraine meds and benadryl so it took me a moment to figure out why I had the same form in triplicate and couldn't find the rejection letter telling me how to fix it. I also didn't initially understand where there was an official seal on all three if it had been rejected.

Then it all clicked into place and I realized that no, in fact I don't have to correct and resubmit, my name change is done and official. Now I just have to contact ALL the places and things and get it updated, and speak with my doctor about getting my medical letter(s) in order so that I can have the right letter on my state ID and apply for my passport with the M in spring when I get my tax return.

I plan to go to the DMV on Thursday pretty early and get my Virginia ID with my new name, and then go around to the bank, and my doctor's office, and correct my name in their records, to start with. I will call ahead and see if my regular doctor is there, and if I can leave him the forms to fill out and come pick them up on another day. Having that letter is the final step to getting my corrected gender recognized on the state and federal level.

I know I'm not done yet, but I am feeling hesitantly positive. I've finally actually gone through with the name change and even with some hiccups in my paperwork not being quite correct (I used an outdated form the first time, and sent in a non-notarized form the second) it was much easier than I expected it to be. I should have done this years ago.

Dedication is spending all day searching for doll props.

I intended to set all this up about mid afternoon but after I methodically searched my entire bedroom I realized that my little Sanrio mini colored pencils are NOT in the apartment. I do have these other little colored pencils though, which I found searching for my like 4 sets of Sanrio character colored pencils.

So, apologies that it's so dark. I brought out ALL the tinies, but Reji is off playing with Ringo's Albert (B&G Kevin[Mouse]) in the background.

I should also note that after I had Ringo help me bring all the littles out, I startled upon leaving the bedroom because OH NO HALF MY DOLLS ARE MISSING! D: ...Because they sit right by the door, and I reflexively look at them when I turn out the light as I leave the room.

Then I came into the livingroom and went HOLY COW I HAVE A BUNCH OF TINIES. @_@ Not all of them participated in coloring, because I didn't have enough room to pose them all with paper and pencils. So Earnan, Doran, October, and Noland all just kind of observed from the playmat, rocking horse, and rocking chair respectively.














All drawings by me, except for TJ's awesome hotrod that he won the race with. ;) That was drawn by the lovely Osaka!


Bonus Robbie with October after I cleaned up and put everyone else back where they sit.

So there you go. I spent all day digging under, around, and in my bed, looking through doll bins, searched the closet, and finally found the colored pencils after I had completely given up and just decided to reorganize everything. =_=