Personal responsibility.

I am in an interesting place this evening. I had a minor upset coming home from work, with emotional baggage that I thought might happen, exploding all over me, and proceeded to shut down.

My coping mechanism when I shut down is to look online, at webcomics, social media, and dolls. I've looked at LOTS of dolls lately, knowing that my tax return was coming. It's slated to deposit some time this week, but could arrive as late as Saturday next week, according to Turbotax and the IRS.

After looking at ALL the dolls, I checked my phone and realized I'd missed a text from Faythe, so I called her and we talked for about two hours. That's long for her, but it was a well needed conversation on both sides.

We discussed social responsibility, growing up, dolls, relationships, and things that are probably less common or considered okay to discuss with family members. We've always been able to discuss those things though, and based upon some of our mutual past, there is stuff in common across the board.

We hate waste, and therefore indulgent/ignorant selfishness. There is a mutual friend who is capable of being a sweet, loving, caring person. They have been going through some rough stuff, (at least half of which is of their own making) for quite a while, and making excuses at least as long. We're both pretty disappointed in that friend, and hoping for better things for them, and the people that they directly affect.

That person is one of the most selfish people I've ever known, despite their sweet nature, and has several selfish mannerisms in common with other people I've known, some of whom I still interact with on a semi-regular basis. I've recognized some of the mannerisms in my ex, some in Pherret, some in Moose (though less so recently), and more.

The tying theme is that none of them feel that they have done anything wrong, or that they should take any responsibility for what their actions have caused. It's an incredibly frustrating mess to deal with, and moreso when the person is a romantic partner.

How do you work through issues with someone who doesn't feel that they have (ever) done anything wrong in the context of your relationship? Oh they may admit to leaving their dirty laundry on the floor, or clipping their toenails on the sofa, or something annoying but minor in that vein, but they will refuse to take responsibility for cheating on you, or hitting you, or screaming at you. That is YOUR fault, somehow. And half the time, when they admit that this thing has happened, they try to spin it, that YOU did abusive THING to them, rather than the other way around.

Is it possible to have a reasonable discussion with someone who thinks this way? Can they grow out of it? I did, but that may not mean that Person A, or Person B, can. Maybe someone else who used to act this way has grown up too, and so you hold out hope. Maybe you hold out hope forever. Or maybe, just maybe, you realize that you have done everything you can do to try and communicate with this person, and that it's just not possible until or unless they grow up.

Is that fair? Is it fair to you? Is it fair to them? Is it the right thing to do? Can you trust your instincts? What do your instincts even say? How long have you been asking this? How long have you been hoping, waiting, praying?

I try to keep my eyes open. I don't want to end up in another relationship like this, even a platonic one. I stress honesty. I admit my faults. I take responsibility. I will never lie to you. I may be mistaken, and I may be prone to exaggeration, but if I catch myself, I will tell you. If you catch it, and point it out to me, I will admit it, and I will apologize. Because that is the right thing to do.

I will always try to do the right thing, whether or not there is a "right" thing that is obvious. I do what I must for myself, but if at all possible, I do what I can to cause the least possible harm to others, while taking care of my own needs.

I like to think that I am a good person, but are you really that good a person, if you have to keep telling yourself that? I'm selfish. I want what I want, and I want it now. I want you to do what I ask you to, and I don't want it to be a big deal. But, I recognize that I don't GET that, just because I want it to be that way.

You don't have to talk to me, just because I greet you. You don't have to smile at me, if you don't want to. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do, as long as your choices do not negatively impact me or the people that I care about.

My thoughts are disjointed, and I feel that I am rambling, so I will stop. But, I feel that it is important to share my thoughts, when I am able to actually articulate them. Whether they make any sense is a completely separate matter.