I am absolutely not okay.

I had a really ..unusual start to my day yesterday. I was awake (barely) as Mom was preparing to head out the door. Jan 5th was final deadline for paying for classes and school website is saying both that my financial aid is fine, and also that I have not been awarded financial aid. I did everything I could think of to sort it out, and Mom said something kind of off hand about how I seemed to be giving up on school, and I flipped out.

Not at her. I just, short-circuited. I printed every single confirmation from Fafsa directly, from the school, from my emails, printed them all off, and we went down to the school. Mom remarked (while I was in this meltdown frenzy) that I at least seemed to be fighting for it. That stung. I was unable to articulate anything at the time. At the school they said there was nothing they could do but put a notice to hold my place in the classes I registered for until Jan 13th pending financial aid award. It's not an extension, it doesn't offer any real protection, it's essentially a digital post it saying that financial aid is still being processed. This seemed to be enough for Mom to feel that something was different.

I broke down the rest of the way. I cried in the car on the way home. I could not articulate anything. I took my medicine and stayed in bed unable to communicate. Woke in the evening, still broken, took my next dose of antibiotic, and went back to bed.

I don't know how to discuss what happened. It should probably be discussed, as this is the second time an offhand remark intended to.. reassure? Inspire action? I don't know, has caused a complete and total meltdown, in which nothing actually changes other than my mental health taking a huge leap off a cliff.

I am not much more functional today than yesterday. I feel angry and hurt, not specifically at Mom, and I also feel inadequate and vulnerable and want to hide in a bunker with a huge metal spikes around it.

Attempts to communicate have been challenging, and I am not expecting a vast change in that any time soon. Socially speaking this is an enormous leap backwards in progress.