Happy Halloween, and a small rant.

Happy Halloween to those that celebrate it in one form or another. I'm not dressing up as such. I have one of my favorite light hoodies, layered beneath a favorite t-shirt. The effect is rainbow striped sleeves and a fun D&D joke on my shirt and I've decided if anyone asks me what I am supposed to be I will tell them a gamer. I'm just being myself for Halloween.

When I was younger I never got to excited about Halloween because we could never afford to buy costumes and Mom legitimately didn't have time to make 5 costumes for her kids. I was either a Werewolf or Vampire from age 10 to 14, because one year I got a cape on clearance after Halloween and hung it up in the closet for future Halloweens. I didn't grow much so it fit till I was 15. Plus Dad never fussed about paying a dollar for the really cheap grease paint so I'd get one of those and either go paler with fangs, or just wear fangs. I had a drawer full of plastic fangs from I don't remember what, probably tickets from PuttPutt or something, and I used those every year.

I like dressing up in theory but I would rather keep to myself on Halloween especially since Zombies are a big deal and I am absolutely terrified of them.

Mom and I passed out candy Wednesday night at a Church function and tonight we are planning on leaving the lights off. I have blackout curtains so it's a non issue if I have a low-light lamp on, but the house is going to be mostly dark because we aren't buying more candy and there are very few kids in this neighborhood anyway.

And now for something completely different.

I don't post a ton of photos of myself on facebook, but when I do I constantly get one comment, from different sources. "Smile!" I want to just delete every damn photo I have up when I see that one word comment.

It's really hard to for me to cheese it up for photos. I am much more comfortable with a neutral expression, or a really faint smile. I have been self-conscious about my smile since I was about 8, and people commenting one word "smile" when I post the first photo after I've been feeling like crap, and looking sick in every photo for a year REALLY pisses me off.

Most of the time you are getting the one photo where I don't look like I've been constantly sick for THREE YEARS now. Either enjoy actually seeing me instead of "showercat" or just please don't say anything. I am really sick of being sick, and if I post a photo because for one damned day I don't feel like death, your little "Smile!" comment instantly makes me regret even trying to take my picture and that is INCREDIBLY depressing.

This is not directed at anyone here or on Livejournal but it needs saying and I am so frustrated that I'm trying to find a way to say it more politely on facebook without looking like I'm lashing out at the last person that commented. Cause it's not about the last person. It's that any time I post a photo I'm actually happy with some rando comes along and makes me feel self-conscious and anxious about it. That's a dick move, whether it's intentional or not.

I've had a migraine for a week solid, and had an afternoon Saturday where I had blessed REAL relief for about four hours. I took a picture, this one:



I posted it and if you look I AM smiling. It's a small smile, but it's there. It's not an 8D face like someone just told me I'm going to Lego-land and can have any set I want for free. Neither is it the seeing your best friend for the first time in weeks or months face, but it is a face of "I have been in so much pain for a week straight and at this moment I feel relief and that is so nice."

END RANT.

Happy Halloween! I hope everyone has a really awesome night!

Saturday Funday (As opposed to Sunday Funday)

Today was a mostly quiet and pleasant day. Mom and I went over to visit a friend a town over and talk dolls. I brought home a doll to restring for our friend, and got to see a beautiful Lusion doll in person. She was enormous and stunning, and I didn't dare try to lift her. I'm told she weighs about 7lbs. I took a couple of photos of her, with Ichigo for comparison.





Then Mom and I came home by way of a late lunch and stopping to vote. When I got in I sat down and my left shoulder fell out of socket, which was not ideal. I got it properly seated again, applied biofreeze, since I couldn't get an icepack to sit and wrap around my shoulder properly, and laid down carefully propping my arm up (and carefully balanced in socket) and went to sleep for awhile. I woke about 11:30pm and feeling marginally more human set about stringing the doll I'd brought back with me.

I sent a photo of him standing up and strung, and now he is sitting in a borrowed t-shirt, waiting for me to make him some quick boxer shorts. Shorts are simple and I don't mind sending him home with tidbits. If I have time I may make a simple t-shirt so that he has a basic simple outfit to sit around in until our friend has time to get him into his intended wardrobe.

I also came home with some bronze Soom fantasy parts for keeps. There are the Hati/Skoll paws, a couple of human pairs of hands, and the shield and buckler. I've asked in the local group if 5StarDoll is compatible in terms of resin match and jointing. I don't mind dying a doll to match if I need to, but I don't want to piecemeal something from the DOA marketplace at inflated prices. I only really like a handful of the Soom Teeniegem heads, so I'm looking to hybrid most likely. I don't really have the money to BUY anything right now, but looking is free, and if research tells me that Company A is compatible in jointing and makes a similar color, dying to match is a simpler process than grabbing a head, a body, and maybe some additional parts (ears and tail?) and trying to get them to all come out the same color. I'm thinking little Wolf or Cat boy or girl depending on what I hear back about compatibility.

Aside from the dislocation of my dominant arm at the shoulder (which is safely back in socket now) my day was really nice. It was warm but not dying of heat warm, and I had a really pleasant time getting to visit with Mom and our friend and talk dolls and see some of her collection. :)

I finished a thing!

Back in August(?) I went to BJD-Con in Austin with my brother Logan, his wife, and a mutual good friend. I came back with some lovely tidbits for my dolls, in exchange for future knitting. I made a deal with a lovely vendor to make a sweater in the same style as what Owen was wearing in exchange for some shirts in SD and Yo-SD size.

I finished the knitting portion of the sweater September 18th, and it took me 10 days to knit instead of the usual two or three days. As it turns out I was sick at the time with a to be diagnosed kidney stone. It's taken from then until now for my hands to be steady enough and not swollen to stitch down the ribbon and sew on snaps. I am aghast that it has taken me so long to finish just one tiny sweater but I know it is well made, and I am hoping that makes it a bit easier for the person receiving it. I have written some care instructions in case they are used to different material clothes, and need the info.

I sent an e-mail with photos of the sweater modeled on Owen, and apologizing for the wait. I didn't give excuses, just apologized for the length of time. I know why it took so long, but I don't want the anxiety of worrying about someone believing me about WHY I couldn't do what I wanted to do for them sooner or faster. I did start on the sweater really quickly after I came back from BJD-Con but my erratic health has made knitting, sewing, crafting in general difficult.





~SIDE RANT~ I hate the anxiety I feel when people see me (I generally am assumed to be younger than I am) and tell me that I am either too young to be sick, or that if I did X (whatever X is) that it would cure my chronic nerve pain, migraines, genetic disorders, bi-polar etc. I know I don't look old enough to be sick. I'm pretty damned sure that cancer doesn't play favorites with age groups, and neither do genetic diseases. I thankfully do not have cancer but it would take several long posts to go into detail about every single health thing that I deal with regularly without the oddball things like kidney stones, or dislocating toes/fingers etc. Part of why I keep a beard is that it makes it slightly more believable that I am indeed my age. 33 is still pretty young to be chronically ill, and immune-compromised. I am well aware, and hearing it with a suspicious or surprised tone does nothing to ease my anxiety. Whether I'm "too young" or not, I have what I have, and no there is no cure. I just have to do the best I can. ~END RANT~

So basically I sent pictures and asked for her shipping address with an apology for the wait citing that it took longer to complete than anticipated. If she asks for details I will give them, but I think she would rather just have her doll sweater.

My health is the main reason I do not have an Etsy shop for what it's worth. I can't reliably depend on my health to stay stable enough to make things and ship them out promptly. The things I do make are of excellent quality in my opinion, but too often I am not well enough to make them. My hands are swollen and angry from sitting and carefully stitching the backing ribbon and sewing on the snaps. It's a simple careful thing, and the act of stitching ribbon into the sweater has my hands furious and pain shooting up my fingers into my wrists.

~~~~

Today is now official Friday so this is my checking in with the general internet saying that I am doing okay. I'm physically uncomfortable, but psychologically fairly stable. Not much better than last week, but no worse. I'm hoping to be able to get laundry done today, probably a load of dishes and if I have enough spoons maybe try to cast on another sweater for keeps.

I still need to sew ribbon into, and snaps into the sweater I made about the same time as the one for the client. It's not going anywhere though so it can wait until my hands are not screaming. Knitting a new sweater is somewhat gentler on my hands than stitching the ribbon and snaps into one. I'm not feeling it right now but I might be up for it after I've slept.

I hope that everyone has a really pleasant day. :)

A first for me.

I have had what I think may have been a delayed allergic reaction to cilantro (which I know I have been sensitive to in the past) and am hoping to arrange an allergy test with my doctor.

My sister Faythe has many food allergies and sensitivities and I am concerned about my increased sensitivity to some foods.

I had what I suspect was a delayed anaphylaxis reaction (within 10? hours of eating), with choking/shortness of breath, and swelling of the throat, and tonsils, visible with a light shined at the back of my throat. I took three benadryl spaced apart, choked down water, took two motrin, and my rescue inhalor and the swelling has gone down marginally.

I know that cilantro tends to burn my throat, despite my enjoying spicy foods, and that the taste tends to be off putting but last night into this morning is the first time that I can ever recall having a reaction like this.

We (Mom, Faythe, and I) tried a new to us Mexican restaurant that used a heavy hand with cilantro in their salsa which I ate despite the taste being off-putting (I am one of those people that it tastes like soap to, and generally avoid it as a result) as we were waiting for the rest of our group to arrive. I had about two bowls of cilantro heavy salsa and was unable to eat my meal. I chalked it up to fatigue and boxed it up to take home.

I woke at 4:20am choking on air. We started on the salsa approximately 6:35pm Tuesday/last night and I continued eating it for about an hour and a half as we waited for our friends and food. When I woke I could just barely breathe and assumed the burning in my throat was dehydration. I tried to drink water and choked.

Concerned I got up and took a benadryl, and as an afterthought, two ibuprofen in case it was a non-allergic inflammation. I managed to swallow with some effort. I finished a bottle of water and choked on it. My choking woke Mom, who asked if I was okay. I explained to her about waking up choking and after visually confirming inflamed tonsils with no clear (to me, no lesions, or discoloration other than red) sign of infection, I took a second benadryl with a second bottle of water. When the swelling seemed to stay consistent I took my rescue inhaler, albuterol and a third benadryl in hopes the combination would allow me to breathe more easily.

Suspecting cilantro as the culprit I also drank a small glass of milk which I tend to avoid, thinking that as a base it would sooth my throat and allow for easier swallowing and breathing.

I've never had a reaction like this to food that I can recall and the time line is perplexing. My allergies to cats and dogs triggers a different physical response namely trouble breathing, itchy eyes, and rash when I touch animal fiber. This reaction is consistent with some wools, which I am sensitive to. As a result I tend to carry benadryl on me at all times in addition to ibuprofen for swelling, and imitrex and zophran on hand for migraines.

If it was anaphylaxis, I am aware that I'm meant to go to the ER, but I fear that I am mistaken and don't want to sit for 10+ hours in the ER on less than 4 hours sleep in 48 hours, nor do I wish to drag Mom there only to be told that there is nothing more they can or could do. I don't want to waste anyone's time but neither do I wish to be reckless.

The swelling has abated enough in an hour and a half at roughly 6am that while I'm not comfortable trying to sleep again, I do feel that I can breathe and that given time the swelling will discontinue entirely.

That is as much detail as I can remember clearly, but I did message Faythe and ask how her allergic reactions to foods manifests and if the time line was unrealistic in her experience for it to be an allergic response.

She confirmed that my described reaction was similar to her reaction to cucumbers, which she tends to react to several hours after exposure. We discussed my symptoms back and forth and I am fairly confident the only known irritant was the cilantro which I mentioned as soon as we tasted the cilantro. Faythe could also taste it but said it didn't taste that strong to her. Mom couldn't identify it among the other flavors in the salsa, so this indicates to me that even my initial reaction was stronger than usual for me.

Normally I would set aside the cilantro food, but I hadn't eaten much yesterday and we had about an hour and a half wait until everyone showed up for the meal if I remember correctly. So, out of a need to distract myself from my increasing hunger I filled up on chips and salsa.

It is now roughly a quarter after 6am and while my throat is sore the swelling is near non-existent. Am I safe at this point? Can I assume that I have averted the reaction or is it likely to come back? Any thoughts would be helpful.

Playing Pokemon and Seasonal Depression

I'm officially in bad headspace. I woke from anxiety dreams to sleep paralysis, after maybe a single hour of sleep. Fighting a migraine that's maybe 4(?) days now.

I woke up wanting to be dead. I calmed once I could move, enough that I no longer actively wish to be dead but I feel it lurking in the dark corners.

When I got up I cleaned my room, decluttering some stuff I had let pile up, and made my lunch.

I'm pretty fed up with Facebook right now. I'm not feeling Ravelry either. I barely spoke to Mom this morning. I'm not angry with her I just want to be left alone which is actually super dangerous for me.

I accidentally did a speed run of Pokemon Y. I had carefully transferred off items and banked Pokemon Thursday I think when I was spending time with my stepbrother Logan. So I restarted it, and I swear I dithered more about the trainer name than anything else. I actually texted Osaka asking what I should name my female Pokemon trainer. It might have been Friday? Anyway I got through badge one, and then got struck with a stomach bug and ground through the other badges and Elite 4 + Champion as a distraction.

I'm actually kind of annoyed because I was planning to play slow and just take my time and stretch it till closer to the Sun and Moon release date.

I'm considering replaying/restarting Black2 or White2 or both. I hate Gen 5 but I don't want to restart Silver or Gold and my GBA games are sitting in Osaka's closet with my Gameboy colors etc.

That's the substance of what I'm doing at the moment. Trying not to be suicidal and fussing about pokemon.

The Mind is a Funny Thing.

I fell asleep with my socks on and woke up heat-sick. I didn't take my temperature because I also woke up really nauseous and didn't want to risk getting sick all over my bed because I used an oral thermometer. What I did do was drink a bottle and a half of water and retrieve my ice packs from the freezer, one for just under my shoulders and one that is a face mask worn on the forehead or over the eyes.

I had been dreaming that I had a migraine coming on with really nasty nausea, and woke up feeling ill. I was hesitant to take my zophran when I wasn't sure I would keep down water, so I've not done that yet. If my stomach settles down more I'll do so.

I have had a migraine for a few days, mostly low key but it was ramping up last night as Mom and I came home from running to a few different Gamestops getting codes for Volcanion. I did the math with Logan we determined between his household, me, and Faythe's household we needed a minimum of 20 codes for one per eligible game cartridge. Mom and I grabbed a couple of codes last Tuesday, and Logan had gotten a few sometime this week, and I think Mom and I grabbed the last of what we needed and if there are leftovers I will will over them up on Ravelry and to any LJ friends that play but can't easily get to Gamestop.

~~~~

While I was laying down with my icepacks my brain decided I wasn't uncomfortable enough and started delving into the past. I don't talk much about my failed marriage or what happened exactly but I'm going to for a moment. There are a lot of subtle nuanced things that happened but it ended as approximately this scenario.

Person A is closeted gay, and feels threatened by Person C being Trans. They refuse to allow any kind of personal expression that might not be perceived as female. Gaslighting abounds.

Person B has common interests and is met at a doll meet. They profess to want nothing but to have more friends with common interests, and after a series of short one sided discussions Person A moves them in while Person C is asleep. Gaslighting continues by both parties.

Person C has a series of miscarriages that result in a complete mental breakdown, not their first, and end up on anti-depressants contrary to their established history as someone with bi-polar disorder. The result is that Person C becomes malleable, easily influenced, and is less likely to respond negatively even to obvious abuse.

Any outside parties are cut off without prejudice by persons A and B when possible, with gaslighting when necessary to explain that other people wouldn't understand the unique situation that Persons A and B have cultivated allowing them to have an affair publicly with little room for Person C to argue or express any kind of opinion on the matter.

Person A goes on deployment as a military person tends to. Person B freaks out because gaslighting all by oneself is harder, and Person C has a support group that are desperately trying to help, despite all efforts to cut them off from Person C.

Person B resorts to new and unusual abuse tactics including re-triggering PTSD in Person C by keeping them constantly on edge and nervous about reactions with gaslighting and panicked responses designed to plea to Person C's sense of decency. Person A also out of no one knows why reasons decides the best way to do this is to apologize with an small personal inexpensive gift when they step really out of line even by gaslighting standards, and excuse their behavior as not handling Person A being gone very well.

Person C runs out of their anti-depressants and realizes the kind of situation they find themselves in, and is FURIOUS. They reach out to any friend they think they may have, who are confused but sympathetic, as up until this moment Person C has been incredibly private about what has been going on, due to gaslighting and intentional isolation by Persons A and B.

Person A returns from Deployment and continues completely unacceptable and inappropriate behaviors with Person B, assuming that Person C is still compliant and appropriately submissive by their standards. Person C demands that Person A make a choice, and is gutted when person A chooses Person B.

YEARS later, Person C still struggles with the seemingly random acts of kindness by Person B, feeling guilty about wanting to keep the gifts given, small as they may be, because they earned them by living through the abuse, but also wanting to get rid of any reminder of what happened during that span of time. Person C is deeply conflicted and it keeps them up at night. Person C decides celibacy is the best course of action to prevent anything like this from ever happening again.


I don't talk about all of that because I tend to feel guilty because gaslighting works. I feel like I could/should have done more. I feel like I should have stood up for myself more. I feel like I should have reached out to my friends more. I am furious that I let myself be abused like that. I am furious that I didn't recognize it as abuse at the time. I am furious that my youngest sibling came out for a visit when I was cycling off of the anti-depressants and took the Mistress's side in all things, assisting in gaslighting me. I don't know if our relationship can ever come past that.

I feel guilty about the less than a handful of things I kept that were gifts from his mistress, but at the time I truly thought she was my friend. The memories are tainted but the gifts were small and meaningful and that hurts.

This is not a topic of discussion I bring up often and I am not okay with questions about it, but I needed to voice what happened as clearly as I can remember.

~~~~

I am so physically tired. My chronic migraines are acting up again. I have a standard health checkup tomorrow morning and I don't even know what to say to my doctor. Obviously the first thing will be that I've passed the kidney stone, and healing is a beast. I've been having fevers off and on since before the stone was diagnosed and I was assuming they had to do with the stone so I'm nervous that I'm still getting fevers.

I don't thing Mom or Faythe are bringing home germs but I can't be sure about that. They are both really great about being aware and avoiding illness and sharing because they know that I am immuno-compromised. Faythe was over all weekend and while we enjoyed each others' company for the most part we didn't spend much time together in contrast to most visits. It was still pleasant but not the same as our usual visits.

I get a bit frustrated because I lose track of time and I don't realize that I've fallen off the map and am not checking in online or elsewhere. Time passes and I have no concept of whether we last spoke a week ago or two months ago.

This is the ramping up point of my hard time of year. There is no particular trauma or memory that I am aware of that makes this so. I just know from experience these are my danger months. October to sometimes January I need to check in and make sure that people know I am physically okay.

~~~~

I know I need to catch up on a bunch of your journal entries and respond to a few comments. I will do my best to do so.

In gaming things I am nearly complete on my 2nd living Dex. I plan to have that finished by end of today if possible, minus Genesect and Meleotta, which I only have one of each, and they are in my first living dex. I will get more as they come out for the last of the special drops this year. I'm missing about 5 pokemon out of 721 to have full dex completion (1 of every single evolution) not counting alternate forms. I have all the alternate forms in my first living dex but I've not been focusing on that for this one. If I finish the basics of it today I will go back and trade on the GTS for alternate forms. I would love to just have the whole thing ready to port over to Moon with alternate versions and all.

I'm still collecting all the forms of Vivillion, but that takes a back burner to completing the living dex.

~~~~

In school, I need to get up to campus before the month is through with all of my documentation and confirm that all of my transcripts are in, meet with and advisor and plot out my academic course for Spring semester.

I have had intermittent contact with the school since I missed the Fall deadline for enrollment but nothing helpful, so I'm going to just go up to campus one day with all my papers and get it sorted.

What I've been up to.

Well I posted a bunch for a little while there. e_e;; I hate how sporadic my posts get as I heal up from "being sick" whatever the circumstances. It makes it hard to remember what happened in that time, which is part of why I keep a journal online, and I lose track of time and don't know when I am.

I've been continuing to heal up from passing the kidney stone. My body is resistant to my returning consistently to solid foods. I ate mostly soft things like toast, mashed potatoes, soft cheese, etc while I was passing the stone and for another week or so after, and my body keeps flipping out when I have something that actually has seasoning or substance. It's a frustrating process.

~~~~ Gaming ~~~~

I've been playing Pokemon, grinding and preparing to restart Y, as well as setting aside another living dex (every single pokemon, all the evolutions) to have ready to transfer to Moon when I get that next month.

I have also as of today, picked back up with Dragon Quest 9. I'm playing that one with my sister Faythe in co-op, but we agreed that we could level alternate jobs and do quests without each other, as long as we don't progress plot or level the main job class. So today I did some Grottos, worked on some quests, and continued to finesse my equipment for each job class.

We are both playing with a group of three, so that when we play together whoever is hosting can just open their gate and not have to put away their supporting party characters. This is the build Faythe determined, and it worked well for what I wanted so I'm also using it.

Hero = Minstrel -> Thief -> Armamentalist -> Luminary

Healer = Priest -> Mage -> Ranger -> Sage

Melee = Martial Artist -> Warrior -> Paladin -> Gladiator

I made a 4th to have for backup healing while I'm playing by myself and so far I've gone with Priest -> Minstrel for her. She is not limited to 4 total jobs for the build but I'm mainly leveling her with the others so she only changes to something else if I need a skill the others don't have, which I'm mostly covered on.

~~~~ In "What Is This Even" News ~~~~

I'm really behind in everything social. I have been checking in with facebook a couple of times a day which barely covers anything and ended up having to post a "SERIOUSLY NO DEAD ANIMALS IN MY FEED" thing because over the course of last weekend all of a sudden I was inundated with posts of seriously injured or dead cats, dogs, snakes, etc. No idea what triggered it. I blocked several people, removed several more and then posted that it was not okay to post that crap.

I've also had a problem with people posting injured children, which is WHAT worthy. I don't know what the hell is going on with people. I thought the politics crap was bad enough, but between dead and injured animals and children, and all of the clown photos from news stories I'm blocking every other thing on my feed.

For those not in the know, I am extremely scared of clowns. I don't want to know, don't want to see it, don't want to hear about it. Just NO clowns please and thank you.

~~~~ Summary ~~~~

I'm in the process of going through and trying to read back entries and catch up but my energy is still really low overall. I will try to get back online more regularly now.