Food and I have a complicated relationship.

I have a complicated and tenuous relationship with food and weight. As I may have touched on, or maybe not, I'm really not sure, food was something of a limited quantity when I was growing up, and as a result I tend towards food aggression when I am inclined to eat.

Pro-tip, do not ever reach for something that I have staked as MINE, whether it was purchased for me, I made it, or I purchased it for myself. Most especially with food, but that tends to also go for physical possessions. I do not steal, and I do place value on the few items that I tend to own.

So, on food, appetite, weight etc. I grew up thin, until I was about thirteen, and reached a "healthy" weight. I was not fat, chubby, etc, I was putting on muscle, and was of a short but stocky build. Then asthma set in around the same time as I started properly going through the wrong puberty. My weight stayed pretty steady as almost plus sized, but it's mostly muscle, and I didn't understand that there were different body types or why the more I worked out the thicker I got. I was a skinny little kid. I was a muscular/stocky teen with ridiculous breasts (DD at fifteen), and I got FAT after I married at nineteen. I put on some weight early on due to depression, and eating habits, and a sudden decrease in physical activity.

Before I married I used to wander around and go for very long walks at night, when it was cool out in the Texas summers, or at least not in the triple digits (Fahrenheit). Nick was a homebody though and never wanted to leave our home (no matter where we lived). In contrast to my own parents encouraging me to play outside, have sleepovers at friends houses etc, his mother strongly discouraged leaving the house except for work or school. This is part of why Nick moved far away for college.

Our marriage was terrible, and while we were generally civil to each other, we didn't really like each other much at first, but neither of us thought that we could find anyone who would actually tolerate our differences. We ended up moving around quite a bit shortly after we married and ended up moving from Fort Worth down to McAllen. There I went from about 5'2" and 160 lbs, to 5'2" and probably over 300 lbs. I don't actually know what I weighed at my biggest. I refused to look at a scale. I do know that within one year I doubled in size, and before I might have died of it, his mother kicked me out while he waited to go to Navy boot camp.

I stayed with my father again for I think six months and slowly tried to stabilize my diet and eating habits. I gave up soda, I ate regular healthy meals in much smaller portions and cut out most junk food, and I began to feel something like human again. Then I joined Nick in Great Lakes, Illinois for about six months and we went back to eating out all the time and he guilted me into drinking soda again. I had not been able to be in contact with him much while he was in basic, and he didn't know I'd given up soda and snack foods so that is what he had loaded up on in preparation for my arrival. Then he got angry when I told him I'd given up soda and junk food. We ate nothing but frozen meals or fast food, and I spent my time miserable and cold, experiencing snow for the first time properly, from October to March.

When we came to Virginia we went to the commissary and I put my foot down about including healthy meals for myself at least. I was tired of being fat, hating what I saw in the mirror, and hating myself for not standing up to him when he would mock me for being fat, but refuse to buy healthy food. We fought quite a bit about food, and it wasn't until our marriage truly fell apart and I moved in with my best friend Osaka, that I was able to FINALLY get out of the house regularly again, eat proper meals, and exercise portion control.

I had a bit of a setback when my father had his strokes and I moved back to Texas for about nine months and put on weight from the stress of the divorce, my father's health, and trying to find work. I lost it almost as soon as I came back to Virginia, and while I am still heavy now, my weight fluctuates now more by medication, regular access to nutritional food, and remembering to eat.

One of the funny (not funny) things about my health circling the toilet for the last several years is that a common side effect of most medications is either extreme weight gain or loss of appetite (or both!). I have struggled with this, and frankly I have to be reminded to eat.

I have always been prone to distraction. Give me a good book or video game and I will not eat, sleep, or do anything till I've completed it, unless prompted and prodded. So I find myself legitimately forgetting to eat for a few days, wondering why I feel like garbage, or meticulously planning careful regulated snacks and making sure to eat them when I take my medicine. It depends on how busy I am, and whether I'm manic, depressive, or in a mixed state.

I have lost SO MUCH weight in the last several months, a truly unhealthy amount in a very short time and all of it was muscle mass. I have been slowly eating high protein, high carb snacks or meals, but finding the balance is hard. The muscle is slowly returning but my body is very damaged from it's trying to self destruct all over the place in 2015.

I was really proud of myself when for the first time in months I was able to help carry groceries home from the store again without dislocating my shoulder. That was a couple of days ago. Either Monday or yesterday before I slept for several hours.

Food/weight is a complicated and delicate balance and I'm not sure I'll ever be happy with my body, but I think I may finally be on the right track. The food that I do eat, is healthy, and I exercise reasonable portion control, which is not something that comes naturally to me. I will probably always be food aggressive, but I hope that I will also continue to have the presence of mind to plan ahead and make responsible food choices.

As an adult, who is now legally male, I could show in pictures how much I have changed and grown over the years which I think is where I was going with this, but I feel it is important to remember what a delicate balance diet, nutrition, and medication play even for healthy people, but especially for people with on-going health issues or concerns.