So Ringo had a tantrum of EPIC proportions Tuesday afternoon into the evening, and as a result I completely forgot to do my (testosterone) shot. I did realize and do it the next evening but it has thrown my entire world off balance. I have a very regimented schedule of rise and fall of testosterone because of my dose and my taking it weekly instead of bi-weekly or monthly. So, when it gets off even by one day, I start having FEELINGS in all caps, and EMOTIONS, and am quick to cry.
started about midday yesterday and peaked about midday today, after
another Ringo episode in the morning. I've learned to be rational and
calm and patient because of my interactions with him, but this morning I
told him that if he was going to behave badly he couldn't play xbox,
and when he protested, instead of something reasonable, I found myself
saying "It's MY xbox, and if I say you can't play it you can't. If I
wanted to, I could unhook it and shove it in the closet." Which, while
true, is not really a rational calm argument to make to a 12 year old.
of course because I am in the place of FEELINGS I fixated on it but in
the back of my mind where it hit me midday and I panicked. I was doing
fine at work, had a good number of orders, decent numbers for the day
and rounding out the week, for sales, plus my last day at work till my
vacation starts. Not at all a bad day.
Except that despite all
of that really awesome stuff and my feelings of love and affection
prompting me to text and check on each sibling and Mom, I was freaking
the hell out.
I held it together until I was leaving the grocery
store after work, with the toilet paper and soap and a soda for Osaka. I
felt it in the pit of my stomach and growing and raging in my head as I
rounded the lake towards the apartment. My hand shook as I put the key
in the door and turned the lock. And then I heard his cheerful voice say
something innocuous and I was full of RAGE and HURT FEELINGS and all
the inappropriate reactions one gets when they feel these things.
I just stood there, door ajar, telling the dogs very softly to get
back. Unable to speak more than a whisper. And after a moment I came
into the living room and handed Osaka her soda and she told me "You look
like hell, what's wrong?" with real and honest concern. And I told her
that I was full of FEELINGS and ANGER and HURT FEELINGS and it was all
because of that morning, and I kept going over it in my head trying to
figure what I should have done, should have said but it just made me
angrier and more confused. And Ringo, being a bright boy, realized
pretty quickly what I was referencing, and slunk down like a dog being
whipped. He was quiet and obedient and mild all afternoon and evening
and I'm told he had been most of the day since about an hour after I
left for work in the morning.
And now it's over six hours later
and I'm still full of FEELINGS and one of those feelings is frantic. I
am officially on vacation, 8 days off because of the way it's scheduled,
and I am not doing a happy dance or a Yay Yay cry. I just want to cry. I
hate feeling like this. This is not the Bi-Polar. This is what I felt
like when I was a "girl". ALL THE TIME. Constant barrage of FEELINGS and
HURT FEELINGS and second guessing every damn thing I do. I FEEL WRONG,
because I took my shot one day late and my estrogen is too high, or my
testosterone is too low. One damn day.