*TRIGGER WARNING* self harm

I awoke this morning to an unfamiliar male voice in the apartment. It was a soft voice, but I snapped awake and was startled to have not six inches from my face, a baby-faced blond police officer, who was speaking at eye level to Ringo. I determined this through bleary eyes without glasses based on the color of his clothing and the placement of patches. I responded by not responding when I sat bolt upright and was greeted with "Well hey there big guy!"

I mostly squirmed in my sheets for several minutes as adrenaline raced through me, trying to get a handle on what exactly was going on. I called out to Osaka, who explained that Ringo had threatened self-harm, and had also threatened her, and was trying to get at a weapon when she called the crisis number.

We had discussed this in the last few days, that the next time he made this threat we needed to take it seriously and actually call the number. It's the second threat with actions implying intent in three weeks. It's a threat we have heard quite a bit I am sad to say, mostly when he has his screaming meltdown tantrums which have gotten more severe lately.

After a few minutes the police officer spoke with a female officer, and Osaka. Ringo began packing up a suitcase and then several other smaller bags. The male officer gently told him that he couldn't take the whole apartment with him. The officer asked if I had heard anything and I said that I hadn't. He said I must be a heavy sleeper. I told him that the medication helped with sleep, and the fan's white noise blocked out the rest.

I finally stepped off into the bathroom to get dressed, and found Osaka, and Ringo leaving for the Hospital when I came out. I asked Osaka to keep me updated as they determined the best course of action.

I went to work. I did my tasks, texting Osaka every half hour or so asking if anything was settled, did we know what was next, etc. At about 2pm I convinced her to let me leave work and bring her food since she had not eaten at all today. One of my coworkers was very kind about it and ran me by Wendy's and then dropped me off at the ER, where they had put Ringo. I asked the receptionist if it was okay for me to bring in food and explained that Osaka had not eaten all day and she and Ringo had been there since early. She said it was fine and directed me to security for a visitor's pass. The pass had a photo of me on it with a date and time stamp, 4/28/2014 3:05:04pm.

I stayed with them and we talked softly back and forth, I was there for 4 hours, they were there for 10, all told, I believe.

It had been determined that Ringo was going to be checked into a mental health hospital, and the main reason for the wait, was trying to find an adolescent hospital with a free bed/room. Ringo was nervous and at times very scared. He kept insisting that they were going to strap him down and jab him with needles full of sedatives. I explained that it doesn't work that way, and told him about my own experience (albeit as an outpatient) with a mental health hospital, to try and reassure him.

Eventually the hospital sent an ambulance to retrieve Ringo and Osaka (for paperwork). I asked if I could come but it was against regulations. So I hugged them both, and I walked to the college campus where the covered bus stop is, because it was raining. I was able to sit and feel numb and conflicted for about 10 minutes before my bus came, and then I hurried home to walk and feed and water the dogs, who had been shut up since the police came in the morning (I assume).

Today was so long, and so gut wrenching, and upsetting all around even though logically I know it was the right thing to do. Osaka and I discussed this as a we must do this next time he threatens self harm, because we MUST take it seriously, thing, and it's still upsetting.

I am full of adrenaline, and writhing guts full of FEELINGS, and concern. I hope that Ringo isn't scared now. I hope that he's sleeping restfully. I hope that this hospitalization teaches him some coping skills, and that he grasps why we have to take him seriously.

I hope I can calm down.

I'm a boy. This is one of many reasons why.

So Ringo had a tantrum of EPIC proportions Tuesday afternoon into the evening, and as a result I completely forgot to do my (testosterone) shot. I did realize and do it the next evening but it has thrown my entire world off balance. I have a very regimented schedule of rise and fall of testosterone because of my dose and my taking it weekly instead of bi-weekly or monthly. So, when it gets off even by one day, I start having FEELINGS in all caps, and EMOTIONS, and am quick to cry.

It started about midday yesterday and peaked about midday today, after another Ringo episode in the morning. I've learned to be rational and calm and patient because of my interactions with him, but this morning I told him that if he was going to behave badly he couldn't play xbox, and when he protested, instead of something reasonable, I found myself saying "It's MY xbox, and if I say you can't play it you can't. If I wanted to, I could unhook it and shove it in the closet." Which, while true, is not really a rational calm argument to make to a 12 year old.

So of course because I am in the place of FEELINGS I fixated on it but in the back of my mind where it hit me midday and I panicked. I was doing fine at work, had a good number of orders, decent numbers for the day and rounding out the week, for sales, plus my last day at work till my vacation starts. Not at all a bad day.

Except that despite all of that really awesome stuff and my feelings of love and affection prompting me to text and check on each sibling and Mom, I was freaking the hell out.

I held it together until I was leaving the grocery store after work, with the toilet paper and soap and a soda for Osaka. I felt it in the pit of my stomach and growing and raging in my head as I rounded the lake towards the apartment. My hand shook as I put the key in the door and turned the lock. And then I heard his cheerful voice say something innocuous and I was full of RAGE and HURT FEELINGS and all the inappropriate reactions one gets when they feel these things.

And I just stood there, door ajar, telling the dogs very softly to get back. Unable to speak more than a whisper. And after a moment I came into the living room and handed Osaka her soda and she told me "You look like hell, what's wrong?" with real and honest concern. And I told her that I was full of FEELINGS and ANGER and HURT FEELINGS and it was all because of that morning, and I kept going over it in my head trying to figure what I should have done, should have said but it just made me angrier and more confused. And Ringo, being a bright boy, realized pretty quickly what I was referencing, and slunk down like a dog being whipped. He was quiet and obedient and mild all afternoon and evening and I'm told he had been most of the day since about an hour after I left for work in the morning.

And now it's over six hours later and I'm still full of FEELINGS and one of those feelings is frantic. I am officially on vacation, 8 days off because of the way it's scheduled, and I am not doing a happy dance or a Yay Yay cry. I just want to cry. I hate feeling like this. This is not the Bi-Polar. This is what I felt like when I was a "girl". ALL THE TIME. Constant barrage of FEELINGS and HURT FEELINGS and second guessing every damn thing I do. I FEEL WRONG, because I took my shot one day late and my estrogen is too high, or my testosterone is too low. One damn day.

Doll Profiles: Part 2 of 5

I've been itching to take doll photos but my camera battery died permanently, so I replaced it, and then I just kept getting side tracked or straight up obstructed from doing things. e_e Anyway here is the second installment of doll profiles.


Name: Ichigo
Arrival Date: November 24th 2006
Sculpt Version: Volks Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki
Gender: Technically neither. I use male pronouns.
Face-up: Default
Blushing: none
Eyes: Soom 16mm Rainbow eyes
Wig: Fur wig by me.
Bio: Ichigo is an Angel who fell to earth, literally. Originally I had him written as a clumsy little thing that fell from the sky and had a hard landing. He's a mischevious thing, and also made of sugar.


Name: Robbie Math Ciarach
Arrival Date: June 11th 2008
Sculpt Version: Volks School Head C on SD10 boy body.
Gender: Male
Face-up: By Osaka
Blushing: None
Eyes: 16mm MoC Hypnotic EK04
Wig: Leeke something..
Bio: Robbie is my self doll. He works from home, and is the father of Christopher Owen. Robbie is openly gay and will eventually be partnered off to a character named Marek, whom I have yet to find the right sculpt for. Currently he has an on again off again thing going with Avery. Robbie has four sisters the younger two having physical form (in MSD scale, owned by Faythe), as FaithAnn, and Rosalie.


Name: Christopher Owen Ciarach
Arrival Date: January 10th 2007
Sculpt Version: Volks Tinatsu/Kuuta (Tinatsu faceup, I swapped lower torsos for a boy)
Gender: Male
Face-up: Default
Blushing: none
Eyes: Ko-Tenshi Tsubaki Default 16mm green
Wig: Leeke(?)
Bio: Christopher Owen has two Daddies was originally an idea I had for a series of children's books showing a little boy interacting with his two fathers doing normal family activities, because there is not enough literature out there in that vein. Similarly, Simon Oliver has two Mommies was meant to be the opposite gender version. Christopher Owen is Robbie's son but I have yet to unravel exactly how that happened. I've gone through a few theories.


Name: Adam Everett Avery (goes by Avery)
Arrival Date: April(?) 2008.
Sculpt Version: Souldoll Lune
Gender: Male
Face-up: Original default Souldoll faceup.
Blushing: none
Eyes: 16mm MoC Hypnotic EK03
Wig: I can't even remember. I bought like six wigs trying to please him.
Bio: Avery is mostly a mystery still. He took a long time to come together and all I really get from him is that he's a shamelessly charismatic flirt. Fun fact; I got his head in 2008, and his body in 2013, same as Robbie. He also has factory ear piercings, and wears tiny silver star earrings, that I picked up at a local shop that has since gone under.


Name: Earnán
Arrival Date: December 26th 2009
Sculpt Version: Soom Beyla *Human head*
Gender: Male
Face-up: By Me
Blushing: None
Eyes: 14mm MoC Hypnotic EK24
Wig: Leekeworld Kona 6/6.5 in Maroon
Bio: Earnán is a Phoenix boy who is from the same fantasy world as Starshine, Doran, Innis, and Moonbeam. He is most involved in Doran's story.

Confused..

So I was waiting for the bus yesterday and as rather frequently happens, some highly mature individual shouted something at me at great volume as the vehicle they were in sped by at great velocity. It was definitely an insult but I found that I couldn't be offended because I wasn't sure which offensive word they had said. It could have been "Fatty" and it might have been "Faggot". It was hurled with a trademarked aggression reserved for rednecks, so it COULD have been either.

I think I'm far more bothered that I don't know what they said, than I am by either conclusion. Because really, I get shouted at all the time. People in cars think it's hilarious to shout at people on the sidewalk, and most of the time it's unintelligible.

It also strikes me that with either intended insult, it comes across as a person pointing at a feline and shouting with a tone of authority and dominance "YOU'RE A CAT!" I am aware that I am a chubby guy, and I am aware that my current hairstyle and clothing may peg me as gay. I'm not really bothered by that, because that's kind of what I was going for. I AM gay, and if my hairstyle and clothing reflect that, then so be it. I'm also overweight, and someone shouting "HEY, YOU'RE FAT!" does not change this.

I took a selfie at work yesterday and posted it to facebook, but this is what they were shouting at:


So after careful thought, and some discourse with Osaka, I'm left with dissatisfying feeling of confusion rather than anger or outrage.