*TRIGGER WARNING* Talk of suicide.

When you spend most of your day trying to rationalize exactly why suicide is stupid, something is wrong. When this is more than half of your week, something is very wrong.

Regardless of tasking, or awkward communication, or attempts at normalcy, if that compulsion is there when you wake every morning, and it's harder to tune out every day, something is wrong.

Every single medication that I have been prescribed to treat bi-polar disorder mentions suicidal thoughts or actions as a RARE but SERIOUS side effect. The problem isn't the medicine though. I was suicidal to start.

Violent vivid mental images of my death play out, out of the blue. No change in music, no scent on the wind. Just, here have a home movie of one way you could kill yourself in realistic hallucination mode.

That's why I sought treatment in March of 2013. I said it was hallucinations, but I didn't specify what.

I don't WANT to die. I just am having a really really hard time wanting to live.

I expressed this to Dr Cortes, and he asked why I didn't follow through. I didn't have an answer really. I think I just stared him in the face and said that I just didn't. I don't want to die, but I have the urge to. It's a really pressing urge.

In the past thinking of my family has been the thing that has stopped me, but those stupid voices, MY voice, tells me that it really doesn't matter. The earth will keep spinning, people will still be cold, hungry, homeless, and one more dead tranny won't change that. My being dead doesn't make life any easier or harder financially for Osaka and Ringo. It won't help him in school, and it can't mess him up much more than his father running off on him. I know that voice is wrong, but it's my voice, and I can be pretty damned convincing. I pride myself on my charm. 

Lithium helps me to make better choices, and think things through. Clonazepam helps with the PANIC!Anxiety that I experience every day over stupid things. Saphis is the new one, been on it about a month and I had interest in my hobbies and other things briefly. I attributed it to the medicine, but it was probably the manic episode I was trying to treat. Who knows, it's the most I've felt, in a positive way, in over a year.

I know I must come across like a psychopath in my recent posts and I apologize. I don't feel like I know how to properly communicate anymore.

Everything is fear and judgement, and fatigue. I am so exhausted, despite getting a proper amount of sleep, and being sure to caffeinate early in the day so that I can be productive.

I used to enjoy my job so much, and now I live in constant fear of losing it. I've been too sick for too long and it's affected my work. I'm too dysfunctional to get my office job right. I've always screwed things up in the end. At least it certainly feels that way right now.

I don't know what to do. I know that I want to push through and focus on getting my name legally changed. I got hung up on that because I can't figure out where I'm supposed to take the form and money order. I know at the court house, but I don't know if it's at the same place where we apply for our 2nd-hand dealer's license each year or someplace else. What I will probably do is ask off one day and just go up there early and ask around. Someone will know where to send me before all the offices close for the day.

I want to run away and hide. I want to sleep forever. I want the physical pain to stop. But I also want a life with Steve. I'd like to see my youngest niece and nephews grow up. I'd like to go to England and meet Steve's family, and have him meet my HUGE Texas family. I'd like to play with my dolls again, and I'd like to be able to cry. I want to help Osaka, and Ringo. I want to SEE Osaka. Our schedules conflict and we see each other less than 4 hours out of the day. Usually between 2-3 hours from when she comes home from work to when she goes to bed.

I would really like the possibility of being a functional human being. With or without medication and psychotherapy.