Doll Profiles: Part 1 of 5

Some of my dolls are in a project status so they will get an older good photo instead of mid project photo.

Maybe I'll do sets of five since I have a total of 25 dolls. I thought I was closer to 30 but my current and up-to-date list on Den of Angels says 25. I was going to go in order of arrival but I don't think I can handle that. So here's what I've put together so far.

Name: October
Arrival Date: October 4th 2013
Sculpt Version: Luts Tiny Delf Alice in real brown skin.
Gender: Male
Face-up: By Luts (default)
Blushing: None
Eyes: Luts glass default (dark green)
Wig: Luts mystery wig.
Bio: October is the Prince of the Pumpkins. He says that he is the son of the Pumpkin King. October is a toddler/baby who speaks in baby-babble with real words but in a way that makes sense only to him.



Name: Innis
Arrival Date: February 16th 2013
Sculpt Version: Fairyland Littlefee Event Vampire Rolly Faceplate
Gender: Male
Face-up: By Me
Blushing: None
Eyes: 14mm MoC Azure Ice Glitter (I think, might be midnight)
Wig: Unstrung Hero Fur wig.
Bio: Innis is a water dragon. He was intended to be paired off with Moonbeam for magic training and eventual romantic interest when they reached adulthood. The bonding ceremony was alarmingly interrupted by way of Starshine landing on the ground in the form of a Unicorn boy who stole the show and the girl, whether he wanted to or not. Innis resides in the same general time and place as Starshine, Earnán, Doran, and Moonbeam.



Name: Starshine
Arrival Date: December 26th 2009
Sculpt Version: Soom Beyla *Unicorn head*
Gender: Male
Face-up: By Alison (UnseelieQueen)
Blushing: By Alison, on the hooves, and tail.
Eyes: Souldoll Acrylics
Wig: Blue fur wig, made by me.
Bio: Starshine was originally a shooting star, and found himself startlingly captured into a physical form as a Unicorn boy, when a bonding ceremony by a young witch named Moonbeam went sideways. Starshine is the angriest unicorn, as he is pretty pissed off to be stuck in a physical form, and is prone to temper tantrums including alot of stomping things with his tiny hooves. Starshine is part of the fantasy world that includes Earnán, Doran, Innis, and Moonbeam.



Name: Jessie
Arrival Date: May 21st 2009
Sculpt Version: Narshadoll Narsha girl
Gender: Female
Face-up: By Osaka
Blushing: None
Eyes: 14mm MoC Violet
Wig: Mystery wig!
Bio: Jessie is a mystery. I think she is a witch like Moonbeam, from that world of magic.



Name: Doran
Arrival Date: August 4th 2009
Sculpt Version: Soom Initial Monthly Doll Release of Glot and Glati
Gender: Male
Face-up: By Me
Blushing: None
Eyes: Soom
Wig: CustomHouse wig, that came with my Uranus.
Bio: Doran is a little sheep-faun from the fantasy highlands of Scotland, in a world where magic is real and fantasy creatures exist. He resides in the same general time and place as Starshine, Earnán, Innis, and Moonbeam.

 

And that's all for this batch! Next up.. who knows?

Dolly Profiles

I have decided to try and take a portrait quality photo of each of my dolls and make up a profile tag in Livejournal so I can look them up later to remember details.

Also I can't get Painter Classic to work with Windows 7. My tablet works just fine still but I need recommendations for freeware or shareware that is easy to learn and manipulate. Any suggestions?

Fragmented Planning

I posted an alarming entry a couple of days ago, and I want to thank my friends and family for expressing their concern and support.

I wrote out a bunch of explanation and apology but it was confusing to write, let alone read so I'm just going to move on. I know that I have good friends, and family, and I know who I can contact if I am in crisis, and I am incredibly thankful for both.

I don't know all of what lies ahead, but I do know that there are things I would like to do. I'd like to visit the West Coast, and get to meet my cousins. Technically I met two of them when I was 7, but that was 23 years ago and it was the summer Grandpa died so... Yeah I want to create some new positive memories with my cousins, if they want to meet me. If they don't I have some other friends (Lori and Mike) who live in that area, that I'd love to spend some time with, and I could go further south and see my Aunt and maybe my Uncle in California (And Batchix if she isn't busy ;D). I'd also like to go to Arizona and be a Tourist. I've never seen the desert, and I believe a good chunk of Arizona is desert. So I could visit Myriai, and pass through to Texas to see DollyKat and all my Texas family.

None of this is like actually planned out with maps and dates and times or anything. Just things I would like to do. I need to remind myself of the things I would like to do, when I'm in a dangerous self-harm kind of mindset, and that's a huge travel list to fixate on and embellish. And that's just the US trip.

I'm not saying I'm okay, or that I didn't mean what I said. I'm just trying to show that I haven't given up despite the inclination.

*TRIGGER WARNING* Talk of suicide.

When you spend most of your day trying to rationalize exactly why suicide is stupid, something is wrong. When this is more than half of your week, something is very wrong.

Regardless of tasking, or awkward communication, or attempts at normalcy, if that compulsion is there when you wake every morning, and it's harder to tune out every day, something is wrong.

Every single medication that I have been prescribed to treat bi-polar disorder mentions suicidal thoughts or actions as a RARE but SERIOUS side effect. The problem isn't the medicine though. I was suicidal to start.

Violent vivid mental images of my death play out, out of the blue. No change in music, no scent on the wind. Just, here have a home movie of one way you could kill yourself in realistic hallucination mode.

That's why I sought treatment in March of 2013. I said it was hallucinations, but I didn't specify what.

I don't WANT to die. I just am having a really really hard time wanting to live.

I expressed this to Dr Cortes, and he asked why I didn't follow through. I didn't have an answer really. I think I just stared him in the face and said that I just didn't. I don't want to die, but I have the urge to. It's a really pressing urge.

In the past thinking of my family has been the thing that has stopped me, but those stupid voices, MY voice, tells me that it really doesn't matter. The earth will keep spinning, people will still be cold, hungry, homeless, and one more dead tranny won't change that. My being dead doesn't make life any easier or harder financially for Osaka and Ringo. It won't help him in school, and it can't mess him up much more than his father running off on him. I know that voice is wrong, but it's my voice, and I can be pretty damned convincing. I pride myself on my charm. 

Lithium helps me to make better choices, and think things through. Clonazepam helps with the PANIC!Anxiety that I experience every day over stupid things. Saphis is the new one, been on it about a month and I had interest in my hobbies and other things briefly. I attributed it to the medicine, but it was probably the manic episode I was trying to treat. Who knows, it's the most I've felt, in a positive way, in over a year.

I know I must come across like a psychopath in my recent posts and I apologize. I don't feel like I know how to properly communicate anymore.

Everything is fear and judgement, and fatigue. I am so exhausted, despite getting a proper amount of sleep, and being sure to caffeinate early in the day so that I can be productive.

I used to enjoy my job so much, and now I live in constant fear of losing it. I've been too sick for too long and it's affected my work. I'm too dysfunctional to get my office job right. I've always screwed things up in the end. At least it certainly feels that way right now.

I don't know what to do. I know that I want to push through and focus on getting my name legally changed. I got hung up on that because I can't figure out where I'm supposed to take the form and money order. I know at the court house, but I don't know if it's at the same place where we apply for our 2nd-hand dealer's license each year or someplace else. What I will probably do is ask off one day and just go up there early and ask around. Someone will know where to send me before all the offices close for the day.

I want to run away and hide. I want to sleep forever. I want the physical pain to stop. But I also want a life with Steve. I'd like to see my youngest niece and nephews grow up. I'd like to go to England and meet Steve's family, and have him meet my HUGE Texas family. I'd like to play with my dolls again, and I'd like to be able to cry. I want to help Osaka, and Ringo. I want to SEE Osaka. Our schedules conflict and we see each other less than 4 hours out of the day. Usually between 2-3 hours from when she comes home from work to when she goes to bed.

I would really like the possibility of being a functional human being. With or without medication and psychotherapy. 

Three rants.

I've had a few different things on my mind lately. I think that after a year of trying this and that, Dr T got me on the right mix of medications. Amazingly he did it on our very last visit so he'll probably never know it.

I've expressed to family and friends that I am really going to miss him. I don't like Psychiatrists as a rule. They tend to come across as cold, distant, condescending, and worse. Dr T was funny, charismatic, and even came off as passionate about his patients. I've never had a mental health provider like him, and I'm sad that I will likely never see or talk to him again.

Psychologists are a different mess. There are many different kinds, with many different attitudes and approaches to therapy. Dr M, whom I saw in my teens, had a talk it out approach, which works well for me. I never dreaded seeing him, and I never felt judged. I can't say as I've ever felt judged by any Psychologist, but I liked Dr M probably as much as I did Dr T. Dr C, who was at the same practice as Dr T, was similarly pleasant, but his approach to therapy bothered me. It was the kinds of charts and graphs and "training yourself to XYZ" that I remember from School Counselor visits and early on therapy and I hated all of it. There are some things that you can learn or train yourself to do, instead of this, or instead of that, but I can't just train myself not to be bi-polar. I can't change my GUT reaction, and I ALREADY change my outward reaction. So therapy with instructions to "re-write" my life is contrary to my needs.

Honestly much of it takes me back to things my father used to say, telling me to just not react to stimuli, as though it's that easy for an 8-year-old. Dad had lots of that kind of wisdom, and brain training, and neo-hippy mumbo-jumbo. It went hand in hand with the sorts of people who end up being and seeing Chiropractors. There are people who truly believe that Chiropractics and herbal supplements can cure ANYTHING. Chiropractics and herbal supplements do have their place, but if you have say Cancer, or Diabetes, or Arthritis, you really need to see a Specialist, and go from there.

There is a not-so-fine line between doing a cleansing diet of grains and veggies with lean protein, which I would consider a healthy thing, and downing a bunch of herbal shakes and running 5 miles without proper hydration to cleanse yourself of "toxins". Someone says that word in that context and I get hives. I want to throw things. Your body doesn't make "toxins". Your body may have a virus, or a bacterial infection, which can be treated properly and cured, but you do not MAKE "toxins". People who think that you do, think you need to drink tons of water (ok, not a bad thing), take ALL the herbal supplements (please run those by a pharmacist just to make sure), and then there's the tonic "cleansings" by way of colonic enemas. Just, No. They throw off your body's natural balance of bacterias, electrolytes, and make it far more likely for you to contract infections. It's dangerous.

I have lots and lots and lots of baggage about my Dad. The last two paragraphs barely scrape the surface.

Next rant. Tacobell has been showing this new commercial depicting something that I find incredibly upsetting for two reasons.



First, the women depicted smile and say no when asked if they want something, and then as the food arrives or is handed off, they immediately dig into it. It really pisses me off that this an okay thing to stereotype. It pisses me off an equal amount that these women laugh or smile and say no, then immediately take food off the other person's plate. DO NOT EVER TAKE FOOD FROM ME OR FROM MY PLATE.

If we are in a position of eating out and I ask if you would like to share an appetizer, and you say no, but then try to eat it when it arrives, I am going to be furious. If you wanted to share you should have said yes. If I am not WILLING to share, you may order your own, but I will not hesitate to assault someone who tries to take food from me. It's not a "fat" thing, it's an "I was a starving child" thing. Don't try to turn it on me. Don't try to judge me. Order your own damn food.

If I OFFER you some food and you say no, that is fine. If I OFFER you some food, and you take some that is fine. If I am minding my own business enjoying my meal and you reach for some you may find a fork or knife in your hand and I am not even kidding.

I have had arguments with coworkers at several different jobs because they wanted to try what I was eating and just reached for it and I flipped out. Most of them didn't make that mistake twice.

In fairness, I will never try to take food from you. I am not, and never wish to be a hypocrite. If you have not given me express permission to take some of what you have, I will not touch it. I do not take food from my siblings or Mother unless they specifically offer it. I do not take more than is offered.



I think that's all I can manage. I'm sorry for the raw emotional rant, but I just haven't been able to communicate well for so long that I needed to vent.