Pondering my reflection.

I look at my reflection in the mirror alot. It's safe to say I spend a good portion of my time in front of mirrors, studying my reflection.

As far back as I can recall, this has been the case, and up until I was about 11 I regularly, recognized and identified with my reflection. Then those pesky gender making changes began to occur and I no longer identified with that person in the mirror.

This came to mind this evening as I was refilling my water bottle as part of my night time routine. Through my peripheral vision I saw the person in the mirror, noting the slight sunburn, the tousled hair, the trimmed up beard. And my initial reaction was "Man, that guy is attractive." Then I realized that guy was me. I know that sounds incredibly vain, and I admit that I am, but that actually is not my point this evening.

I was a bit upset at my delayed recognition of my reflection as myself. I got used to not identifying with that thing in the mirror over half my life ago. It's really strange that now I look more like what I expect to see. I spent so long seeing that unhappy, ANGRY girl, that I completely disconnected the association of my reflection with myself.

Because I never have been that girl. Everyone else saw her, but that was that doppelganger, that appeared in photographs, and others' perception.

Between the initial perception of my reflection and my registering that, I am that person, there is a several millisecond delay. There has been for eighteen years. I wonder if I will ever recognize myself immediately again.

Huh..

So I got some new binders on this last check, and realized upon them arriving that I ordered a size down from last time. It's the correct size, but it's TIGHT.

I wrestled with the first one (I ordered 3 because there's a discount and they last longer when you alternate), for 20 minutes to get it on, and have come to the determination that my shoulders and chest are wider than they were back in November of 2011 when I ordered the first binder. That one was hard to get into too, but I was larger then, and less toned than I am now.

What I'm getting at though, is that I have binders that fit now, and do what they are supposed to, correctly, but they are a bit tight in the shoulders, and I can't wait for them to relax a bit.

Doran!

I stripped Doran's original faceup this week, with the intent of giving him a proper one. When he arrived I was so frustrated with trying to paint him when he looked so different from what I expected that I gave him a half-assed faceup and left it alone. I've since bonded with him properly and so hoped it would go better this time.

However doing faceups while suffering from a migraine makes it hard to like or trust your results. I'll see how I feel about it tomorrow, but for now I think it will do. If I really don't like it, I may send him off to be painted by someone else. I hope I like what I see, when I look at him again tomorrow.

My hands are shaking too much so only one photo turned out. If I still feel okay about it tomorrow I'll have Osaka glue in his lashes.


I don't think I have any GOOD photos of his old faceup, but this is one of my favorites.


I think he looks significantly less worried now, and maybe a little more bratty, but also more mature, which is what I was going for.

And if I end up not liking it, no harm, I can always re-do it. Though hopefully I won't wait so long this time. I only finally got around to re-doing Doran, because doing up Earnán went so well. And in fact I had Earnán sitting there so that I could use his little face as a reference. They have very different personalities but similar faces.

Bling!

So I've always had jewelry. I have a wooden jewelry box that my grandfather made for me. He made one for each of us, excluding Rose, because he died when she was 6 months old. I've always had sensitive skin. I had my ears pierced for my 8th birthday, because Mom wanted us to choose for ourselves if we wanted ear piercings. I had 18k gold ruby studs because they were my birthstone, and any lower gold karat caused inflammation. I've since lost that pair of earrings, and had bits and bobs of assorted jewelry (mostly silver) over the years. Most of my rings have broken, because girl jewelry is crazy flimsy, and I'm a klutz.

The point I'm ambling towards, is that I like beautiful things. I don't wear jewelry often because so much of it is feminine, and gold which I developed an allergy to, but I've always liked jewelry.

As I've worked where I am now, I've seen tons of rings, bracelets, watches, etc that are lovely (even my style) but I can't wear because they are gold. So when something that I actually CAN wear, that I like comes through, I'll think about it for a week or two, and then get it.

So far it's been three rings and a bracelet.


The first was this: stainless steel, a beautiful filigree.


The second was this: titanium with a 1/4 carat diamond for under $200 after my employee discount. I put it on layaway.


The third, tungsten carbide, I saw and liked, but debated about it for two weeks.


And this, my first bracelet, is stainless steel with three 15point diamonds. I believe it equals to about a 1/4 carat in all. $30 after my discount. Yes the diamonds are real, I used our diamond tester.


I've always preferred the masculine styles of jewelry but it was hard to find when my hands were much smaller, and so I made do with what I could find that suited my tastes, which was pretty much nothing. I wore a silver earcuff with a chain linking to a feather earring for several years in my late teens, as well as a handful of silver rings but I never had proper jewelry.

Now I couldn't say that I NEED diamonds, or that I need fancy jewelry, but I like feeling like I could accessorize in a classy masculine way now. I still need a good dress watch, but I'm very comfortable with my assortment of rings and my bracelet. :]

I'm thinking a Movado, or if we get one in, a Tag Heuer. I will not pay retail for it, not the least of reasons being that I can't afford to, but also because I don't mind secondhand as long as it's in good condition. My loving Mother taught me to swallow my pride as necessary. There's nothing shameful in owning or using secondhand goods.

The Moral of the Story Is.. I'm a Mess.

I find it telling that it takes really simple, really STUPID things to point out my neurotic tendencies.

My mind tends to wander in the mornings, especially when doing tasks I don't need to concentrate that much on. So as I'm brushing my teeth, and then shaving before work I'm thinking about the t-shirt I'm wearing. I picked it up at Five Below, because I found it both true and ironic. It says "I NEVER FINISH ANYTHI" which is true to a point. When it comes to craft/doll/other stuff that is not the most important thing to do, I rarely do it all and one time. I'll cut out an outfit and come back to it, or a wig, or a drawing, or a tv/movie series.

In contrast, when it's something pertinent I will grind through it so it's done and I don't have to worry about it anymore. Like speed paying my bills the morning of my check depositing. Done! On to other things. Or tasks at work. I won't ignore customers but I will take that extra 15 seconds to finish my task so that I can give them my full attention.

And yet I'm, shaving and thinking "I bought this shirt cause it was funny and kind of true, but if I wore this to work, like not under my work shirt, I'd hate for someone to take it seriously." I was similarly neurotic about all my black t-shirts with sarcastic quotes in bold white text, that I bought in my teens. I bought them because they were funny, not because they were true, and yet I would get people asking me about them, as though they believed these sayings described me. The first was "It's not that I'm anti-social, I just don't like you." Which I wore until it wore out.

The truth of the matter is, I have social anxiety disorder. Not as severe as my younger sister, but people make me an anxious mess. I can BE social but the whole time it's a bit forced until I am comfortable with them. And if they comment or judge me in a way that is noticeable, I melt down. I have a very difficult time reading people until I've known them awhile, and I'm high energy so I talk ALOT and worry ALOT about whether I'm being annoying. Cause that's what I've been told most of my life. "SHUT UP. YOU'RE BEING ANNOYING."

So it's thoughts like these that cause me to feel quite so proud of having my first "Grown Up" job. I'm not a supremely well adjusted person. So working a Monday through Friday, 9-6 job with benefits and respect, is an amazing accomplishment for me.

Thoughts like this, while shaving, also lead to a crooked line along the bottom of my beard. :[ I probably should have been paying more attention to my face at that point. It'll be back to normal in a few days though.

I hope everyone has an awesome Sunday. :]

Like a BOSS.

So, the doll hobby has prepped me for all kinds of things in life, including my first grown up office job. The company I work for, was bought out in October of last year, and there have been many many changes over the last 10 months or so. Now they're rolling out Amazon stores, and our location was picked (1 of 2 in our region of 7 stores) to test this. They have a functional model in other stores, actual pawn shops, and they're changing it to fit our business model.

Well this job starts at with a raise of at least $1, up to $5,(PLUS COMMISSION) depending on the value they give my education, experience (I WAS ABLE TO USE BUYING AND SELLING DOLL STUFF AS REAL EXPERIENCE OMFG), and general quality of work. I spoke with our corporate manager expressing interest as soon as I found out about the job, explained that I already knew how to do everything required of me, described how I've bought, sold, photographed, etc, for the last 7 years of doll hobbying, and was told today I got the job.

I get my job package either tomorrow or Monday, where I'll sign the agreement for the new job description, and learn more about the ins and outs of my new job. I'd been really frustrated lately with us being so undermanned, and the home situation being so stressful, but this is just amazing.

Sure, I'm 29, and I don't drive, and I'm not medically where I'd like to be. But I have a real grown up office job, doing what I love (organizing, cleaning stuff up, photographing it, shipping it) where I KNOW I can do this, and I can only move up from here. I get to extensively test pretty much everything in the store, (I LOVE MESSING WITH STUFF) which leads to better more accurate descriptions of items, and hopefully more sales.

It may not be my dream job but it's a GOOD job, with health benefits, a 401k, an office of my own, my own corporate email, and I don't have to deal with desperate people selling things they don't want to sell, or fiddly people who want to pay half of what an item is priced at. As it turns out the reason my health benefits haven't kicked in yet was a glitch in my paperwork. I was listed as part time, despite my working 40 hours a week, pretty much without exception since I started.

Long story short. I'm an ADULT.

More on Earnán.

I think Earnán's faceup turned out okay. :] I did it mostly with oranges and reds, and a bit of pink on his cheeks, and lips to balance it out. He looks soft, but fierce, and his auburn wig makes me very happy.

It'll be a week or more until I get his top lashes in, because I need to order them from Denver Doll. I forgot to add them to the order when I got his wig. But I LOVE the blue hypnotic eyes from Mint on Card. They are beautiful, vibrant, and low enough dome that they are easy to place, without being so low that they look odd.

I don't know yet what he'll wear, but I'm thinking alot of fiery reds, golds, and oranges, with some blue to make his eyes pop.

Anyway you're here for the pics. :B






I do plan to re-shell Moonbeam, because she was strongly intertwined with Starshine's story. It's just that I had her in the wrong doll. I'm pondering a whiteskin Littlefee, possibly Lishe or Chiwoo Elf, but I'm doing alot of considering, as her dragon friend will be tied in as well, and I want them all the same scale, with similar aesthetics.

I will probably be re-doing Doran's faceup in the next week or two. Doing Earnán's has restored a bit of my confidence in my abilities. Long ago, when last I tried to faceup Ro, it went so badly that I gave it up entirely for a couple of years. Osaka was kind enough to paint some of my incoming dolls for me, but I did Reji, and Orion, and now Earnán, and am feeling more confident in my abilities again. I'm certainly not commission skilled, but I do well enough for my tastes. :]