Checking in a bit late.

It has dipped into more consistent cooler weather in the last week or two. I'm actually hoping for a severe for Texas winter because I just can not deal with our two seasons (hotter than hell, and maybe cool enough for a hoodie or jacket for a couple of hours).

The temperature overnight was 42F so at the risk of triggering a heat wave I put my flannel yeti sheets on my bed, and layered some blankets. I discovered my comforter is in a box somewhere in Tennessee cushioning fragiles. I do have another duvet bit it needs a cover. I think Mom and I may hit some of the consignment stores and look for one. I don't want to pay full price for what may be temporary protection for the duvet.

Friday I went to Grandparents and Special Friends day at the school of my niece and nephews in Fort Worth. They attend a lovely school and we got to visit their classrooms and see each of them for a bit. It was really nice.

Oldest nephew got to show a fun scientific display, and show us his classroom.

Younger nephew read to us in the library and performed in his immersion Spanish class play of The Three Little Pigs. He was the Fox which they had instead of a wolf.

Youngest niece (on that side of the family, though oldest child in her immediate family) took part in a quiz game with her class and it was fun. Visitors were encouraged to cheer them on which we did.

In a completely different direction I am dreading Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to seeing almost everyone, and I'll prep for migraines and everything I generally prepare for but I'm incredibly anxious about interacting with my father.

I don't talk about him much. Several years ago (late 2008) he had a series of big strokes and nearly died. Scans showed scarring indicative of longer term damage from older smaller strokes which explains the series of personality changes he has gone through as far back as I can remember. The person he is currently physically resembles the man I called father but the line is drawn there.

I'm increasingly anxious knowing that his current personality likes to poke at soft spots and claim ignorance. I broke down in tears and begged my mother last night to please pleased have my back when/if he started in on me about my ex-husband or transition or pronouns.

I'm already suicidal this time of year and I just can't handle interactions with him. I will be expected to at least greet him but I imagine since I've been gone the majority of the last 10 years he will try to corner me to talk and I just can't.

I want to live. Honestly I do. I just can't sit there any listen to him ask me if Ex and I are going to try to work it out (the divorce was final in 2009), and then blatantly ignoring any response and jumping into telling me why I'm wrong about (insert any topic here, literally anything). I also have learned from reliable 3rd party sources that he is misgendering me and "correcting" family members that are using my correct legal name (as opposed to my birth name) and correct legal pronouns (as opposed to assigned at birth pronouns). That is probably the biggest source of anxiety. The poking at the marriage and why we didn't have children (we tried, we couldn't) that hurts enough but poking at the only red angry soft spot I have left is exactly the sort of thing he will do, because he's been doing it to me since well before the strokes, and he's been doing it to my sisters for at least since late 2008. One of them refuses to be alone with him because of how he intentionally gets under her skin, and I do not blame her in the least.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT~!

Friday Logan dropped off my preordered Pokemon Moon while Mom and I were in Fort Worth, in discreet packaging to prevent theft, and I have been playing it almost non-stop since.

I went with Litten to start with, but once Bank is enabled I am planning to bank all my progress and restart unless I have been able to procure a copy of Sun between now and then. Right now I'm about halfway though going on the Z-crystals I have, and where I'm at on Island 3. There's one more proper island, still lots to do on the one I'm on, and a man made island which I expect will be a plot-point. My pokemon are hovering between level 45-53 which is dangerously close to the "not gonna listen" point, so I'm hoping to breeze through the last challenges on this island and unlock my next chunk of levels that will listen to me.

So far I like the way the character customization plays out. You get access to the salon and some clothing pretty early on, and it looks like unlike X and Y, the store inventory stays the same, so I can buy all of one store and not have to go back and check every day for new items there. Right now my character has a short blond hairstyle, brown eyes, and light tan skin, and a green, white, and black outfit.

Serebii doesn't have much information yet so I'm googling because there are a few people who got early release copies or did speed runs to get information out there for us. Serebii has some information but mostly if I have a question I'm googling it. Some of my questions don't have answers yet. Some do, and I've noted them and moved forward.

I initially saved and quit to change my sheets and have a sandwich but now I'm considering sleep. I am running a load of laundry (the sheets that were on my bed, and whatever was in the basket) and have a timer so I know when to get up and go put that in the dryer. My tentative plan is to stay awake long enough to transfer to dryer, ensure the load is dry, sort, and put away the laundry and THEN sleep. That means I would be awake another two hours minimum. I was overheated after I changed my sheets but now I'm back to my normal temperamental swing between comfortable and slightly too warm or too cold.

My only firm plans for this week are MAYBE Knit Night tomorrow, definitely Thanksgiving with family in Fort Worth on Thursday, and Friday here in Garland with Mom and Faythe. Black and Blue Friday is a tradition of working on the house the day after Thanksgiving and avoiding the shopping crowds. I may skip Knit Night this week to save spoons towards Thursday.

Busy busy. Staying busy for sanity.

I don't think I posted anything about how things went this last week.

Monday was good, I spent much of the afternoon with Logan as planned. We had a very pleasant low key afternoon.

Tuesday Mom took me up to Richland College to see about paperwork and potentially see an advisor and select classes for Spring. Turns out my transcripts were lost in the mail so we came home and ordered new copies.

Wednesday I read in the living room so I could hear the UPS truck come. It was a beautiful day so I ended up sitting out on the porch for awhile reading and enjoying the fresh air.

Same for Thursday except for an evening interview with someone who is working on some youth lit and needed some information about realistic expectations and reactions to things I've experienced.

Friday was a Pie Five doll meet, and Faythe came over and has been with us through the weekend and will be visiting Logan with me again today. I also got to spend some time with Ashbet as she opened her new doll and decides on eyes, wig, and outfit for the meetup. :)

Saturday was our quilt club day and we went out to Carrollton and then visited a yarn store on our way back. I was tired and took a nap.

Sunday I accidentally didn't sleep until 2pm and then I slept 8 hours fitfully. After midnight I caught up on laundry.

I tried going to sleep at maybe 4am but couldn't sleep so I got up and had a shower and decided to write a quick entry to check in.

It was a very long week and I have things going on this week too but less than last week. Today with Logan and Faythe. Tomorrow is Knit Night and Faythe goes home after. Wednesday fir recovering, Thursday is a Dr appt, and the weekend is free for now. @_@

I may be forgetting something.

Election Final 2016

I have never been more scared in my life than I am now. America elected a man who stirs up hate, has no qualms about assaulting women, abuses the system, and in general terrifies me. I have no future in this country and lack the means to leave.

Politics

I think I am either Captain Oblivious or a massive masochist.

I hate politics. I hate seeing people I love become nasty every 2 years between local and national politics. I think I have removed more people from Facebook in the last two weeks for seriously not okay over the line politically bent stuff than I ever have in the history of Facebook.

I've always tended to be an early voter so I was a bit thrown forgetting this is election day when I checked FB messages, clicked wrong and had a scrolling screen of vitriol.

I have been very quiet about my political views I think because in general I tend to be the "we don't need to agree, but we do need to be respectful" sort. My unfriending and unfollowing has been reserved for only extremely hateful posts of any political background. There's been enough mud slinging on all sides my friends list keeps shrinking and I'm starting to just be sad and disappointed as I continue to remove bigots and those who sling hate in any direction. I wish I could say it was only people who have different political views but it's not.

I'm ready for this to be done. I need this to be over so I can prepare for the fallout.

My week in a nutshell.

The last week or so has been a blur. I had a migraine that refused to consistently respond to medication. I also had a mystery fever that kept popping up. By Thursday I was physically wrung out, but determined, and I ended up going with Mom to work so I could go to my niece's school play in the evening.

My older sisters both have kids, one of them has two grown daughters, technically stepdaughters but we all consider them family. The other has one daughter, and two sons, and this play was that neice's school. She's almost 12, goes to a very nice private school and I was incredibly impressed with the quality of the performance, and quietly jealous of the quality of costuming and sets.

Were it not for the height of the actors I might have assumed I was at a college play, one with a GREAT budget for acting coaches, costuming, and props. The play was Sleeping Beauty and I kept admiring the sets and costuming, and the acting legitimately impressed me. This could have easily been set from a film (High School Musical) where there are clearly professionals doing costumes, makeup, and sets. Prince Phillip's costume was animated film perfect down to the last detail. His and Aurora's dance in the forest was choreographed and they had clearly actually learned how to dance. These kids are 5th and 6th graders, from what my sister told me. It was so surreal. Really cool but also incredibly surreal.

I've missed out on most of the school activities for my nieces and nephews. I've lived out of state for a decade, and when the eldest was born I was living in South Texas rather than North Texas, so I have missed most of their lives to date.

My family had a big combined July Birthdays party for me, eldest sister, and older nephew, and that was the first time I had seen them in three years. I wore my earplugs the whole time and heard everyone just fine because my family is loud. Mom and I used sign because the only remotely quiet one in the family is actually the sister just older than me (with the sons). She had to speak up a bit to be heard but wasn't at all resentful.

It's a little weird being the "quiet one" in the family after always being the loud one. I've found my confidence in myself but I feel so vulnerable around family, now that I am truly myself and there are no secrets. My anxiety has always spiked around winter holidays and it's no different this year.

I am firmly in "depressed" territory and struggling to get up every day and want to do anything. Tomorrow I get to spend some time with my step-brother Logan which will be awesome.

The past few days I sped through the first 5 Percy Jackson books, and I've read 3 of the five from the Roman sequel series. I've started book 4 of that series but I can't focus on it very well. It's interesting but I've been having difficulty focusing on anything. When I finish the Roman series I will go back and read the Kane chronicles which are apparently based on Egyptian theology and mythology. The Norse series is in progress but Mom has the books that have already come out, and I'm looking forward to reading those too.

It's pretty easy reading but I do find it legitimately interesting, but I've always loved Greece and Roman mythology and so even fictional delving into it is interesting. The author has clearly done some solid research which I always appreciate. I'm looking forward to getting through the Roman series and moving onto the Egyptian, then the Norse.

This week I have kind of a full plate. Tomorrow with my brother, Tuesday I will go up to the school to sort out paperwork, and Wednesday I will sit in the living room reading and waiting for the UPS truck since I have a doll coming (not mine) that I need to be able to listen for. Thursday I think is open, and Friday I have plans with Ashbet to hang out and then go to a meetup in the evening, where Mom and Faythe will join us.

Wish me luck.

Strange Self fulfilling Memory

Sometimes I'm startled when I look into a mirror. If my hormone balance is off my dysphoria is stronger. I was a day late with my shot this week because Halloween threw me off, and I didn't realize it until I felt weird the next day.

Today I glanced into the mirror as I sometimes do and instead of seeing my reflection I saw an echo. I saw my teenaged self, lost, angry, depressed. I saw frustration and pain in those eyes. Instead of my beard and clipped short hair I saw a smooth face, dark rings around the eyes and long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail.

It was like looking through time. When I was about 16, nearly 17, I looked into the mirror and was startled to see an older man, short cropped hair with grey at the temples and a dark short beard touched with gold and red. I stared and the man stared back. Our eyes were the same. This could be me somehow but I knew that was impossible so I turned off the water, dried my hands and walked away from the man in the mirror.

Today was that day. This was the other side of the mirror. I saw the angry teen girl whose eyes looked like mine but her body was younger. Her pale face dotted with freckles, her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail with flyaways at the ears curling and refusing to pull back.

She was so lost. I wonder if she saw that our eyes had that same look of fear and anger and loss. I don't remember noticing that, but I remember seeing him. I assumed it was a hallucination.

Something close to 14 years later the moment is complete. I've always wondered. I wondered who he was. It gave me a quiet secret hope. It also made me more depressed. I had no idea how to become that man but I have always somehow suspected it was me looking back at myself, judging.

Now I know it wasn't judgement. It was sameness, recognition of my younger self. He was every bit as startled to see me as I was him. I don't understand why I got this, whether it was one of those weird things where for me time isn't linear and I just looked through the mirror from both sides by chance. But I do know it was not hallucination.

Photographs

I posted to Facebook about the pictures. This is what I said,

"If I post a photograph of myself please refrain from telling or asking me to smile. I could easily launch into a long emotional rant about this but really I shouldn't need to. Please show respect, and refrain from commenting if your only thought is that I need to smile. This is not directed at any one person. Commentary on this subject is not welcome."

I doubt this will entirely curb the behavior but having said something I will feel no guilt in deleting future comments and referencing that post if asked about it.

If anyone chooses to unfriend me over it, I'll get over it. I don't need that stress.

I was expressing to Mom a summary of what I said in the comments on yesterday's post. She hates having her photo taken and was sympathetic. She tends to have a pained expression in photos unless they are candid shots and she is unaware the camera is on her.

I can remember having to take photos for an art assignment of family members and being frustrated when the film was developed and every picture of Mom she looked pained or even a bit anxious. I asked her about it and apparently Grandpa used to fuss at her to "smile damnit!" which understandably put her on edge. I don't think she has ever really recovered from that pained "oh crap, not this" response to cameras.

As a result of her and others in my life I try to always ask before trying to take photos and make it clear that while I would like a photo, I will not be offended if someone says no.