Today.

Today was a really crappy day. I've had a number of those lately interspersed with normal to good days, but this day was spectacularly terrible.

I woke up, got dressed, gathered my filled out paperwork and water bottle, and caught the first bus in bitter cold. I made my connection for my second bus, and was informed by another passenger, as I was reassuring an older woman that our bus would be here soon, that my final connection left as the bus we were on pulled up.

That happens sometimes but I did NOT have time for it today, as I had two different doctor appointments back to back, at different clinics, the second of which I'd never been to.

Incidentally I had arranged with a friend and co-worker for them to take my to both appointments and I would buy them a nice lunch in between appointments, but they had to back out due to legitimate family reasons.

So I called a cab. I was lucky, there was one nearby, and I got to my appointment with Dr T (who is leaving this clinic soon T_T) on time and prepared. We discussed the changed medication which was not working (Paranoia, Aggression), and dropped that. He couldn't remember why he had prescribed it and I reminded him that I am MANIC, so he went through a short list and picked something we haven't tried yet. We're running out of things on that list. Soon I will get to try much of this again with a different doctor. I am not excited about that. I will miss Dr T, and I wish there were an appropriate and acceptable way to maintain contact, but I asked, and there isn't.

I cancelled my appt with Dr C (Psychologist). I went over the papers I brought home and it was much of the same "You can change ANYTHING with the power of your MIND" crap that my Father tried to cram down my throat most of my life. It immediately shuts me down. I need a Therapist who will listen, do some back and forth, and then if it doesn't seem to occur to me, explain why my reaction to stimulus is inappropriate or otherwise unacceptable. I have that kind of interaction with Dr T, but he is my meds management doctor, not my Therapist, and even if he were, he's leaving.

So after that, feeling anxious and a bit depressed, I called my second cab to get to the other doctor appointment. I arrived on time, handed over my filled out paperwork, signed the HIPPA form, and waited. After a bit I was taken by a polite nurse to a room with a TV and DVD player, as well as pamphlets on different services offered by the plastic surgeon. I had my first panic attack in that room. The nurse asked what I wanted, surgically speaking, I was frank, and told her that I wanted my breasts completely removed. She visibly flinched, but kept asking questions, then left me to watch a video on breast reduction surgery. I already know everything in that video, and I got to the hyperventilation point, after she left the room so I could watch it in privacy.

Then the video ended and I was in total silence, in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by video and pamphlets on breasts and breast health and I lost it. I started to cry, shake, wanted to vomit, praying for someone, anyone to open that door and take me somewhere else.

Then the Doctor came in, asked me questions about what I wanted to do, looked very confused, was very polite, took some notes and left. Then a nurse escorted me to an exam room, and instructed me to strip to the waist and put on the robe and wait for the Doctor so he could get a better idea of what he'd be working with. I was crying again before she had the door closed, but kept my breathing controlled. I stripped to the waist, put on the robe and waited, trying not to claw my arms up or rip out my hair. There is absolutely no way I could have gone to an appointment like this ALONE, without the anti-anxiety medicine I take twice daily.

After several minutes the Doctor and Nurse came back and pulled back the robe and showed them what I have. The Doctor didn't seem too worried about being able to do the surgery I described but he was concerned about the torn and scarred flesh that is just under the collar of where my binder rests. The skin under the breast he described as "like new" and he was concerned with the visible difference there would be from one side of the scar to the other. I told him I didn't care, that I just wanted them gone. I specifically said that I didn't even care if I had nipples, but I needed not to have breasts. He didn't like that, but he was polite.

Then he took pictures from several different angles, and instructed me to get dressed and we'd discuss what he would prefer to do surgically in a different room.  I was still really anxious, and I questioned a couple of different times if we could try to get my insurance to partially cover the cost because of the size of the breasts and the documented pain and back problems.

After I dressed, I was walked to a little office, where he and his wife(?) spoke with me about the proposed procedure, and when I asked a third time about insurance covering a portion, I was told they don't work with my insurance, so it might be better for me to try to find a covered surgeon through my normal doctor. I was in shock at first but I took the "estimate" paperwork, and called my third cab, this time to go home.

I probably should have gone to the pharmacy to fill the script from Dr T, but I NEEDED to talk to Steve. $50 in wasted cab money. I could have just walked back from the first Dr appt and only been out $10 for that first cab.

I did get to talk to Steve briefly (THANK YOU) before he had to go to bed, and Osaka's Mom, who is in town for Ringo's birthday (yesterday) was kind enough to walk my script to the pharmacy for me. It's just across the street but the weather has been crap and really I just wanted to crawl into the tiniest darkest hole I could find and die. I feel completely humiliated because I cannot afford $9200, and I was hoping that between insurance, my tax return, and a portion of my flex spending card, that I would be able to have this surgery this year, like maybe even before I turned 31. I also hate that in a well meaning doctor's office there are photos of my breasts from several angles, and one of my face just for the records.

On top of MY crappy day, Osaka's Mom's Mother passed away today. Osaka is devastated but trying to keep it contained until her Mother leaves on Sunday, because she was asked to. I think Osaka's Mom is sad but far more relieved as this has been a long sometimes painful experience for "Big Grandma" for a long time.

I'm struggling with trying to be supportive, and overcompensation FINE THEN I'LL FIX IT MYSELF on the Transition front. I am planning to have my name legally changed this year and I would like to go file the papers next week if possible.

Then once I have that official, I will see what all I need to petition the state of Texas to change my gender marker. My transition would be legally finished at that point, sans surgery. I will fight that fight when the time times. Everything else has fallen into place when it's the right time. I just need to keep my eyes open and watch for the signs.