Today was a really crappy day. I've had a number of those lately interspersed with normal to good days, but this day was spectacularly terrible.
I woke up, got dressed, gathered my filled out
paperwork and water bottle, and caught the first bus in bitter cold. I
made my connection for my second bus, and was informed by another
passenger, as I was reassuring an older woman that our bus would be here
soon, that my final connection left as the bus we were on pulled up.
happens sometimes but I did NOT have time for it today, as I had two
different doctor appointments back to back, at different clinics, the
second of which I'd never been to.
Incidentally I had arranged
with a friend and co-worker for them to take my to both appointments and
I would buy them a nice lunch in between appointments, but they had to
back out due to legitimate family reasons.
So I called a cab. I
was lucky, there was one nearby, and I got to my appointment with Dr T
(who is leaving this clinic soon T_T) on time and prepared. We discussed
the changed medication which was not working (Paranoia, Aggression),
and dropped that. He couldn't remember why he had prescribed it and I
reminded him that I am MANIC, so he went through a short list and picked
something we haven't tried yet. We're running out of things on that
list. Soon I will get to try much of this again with a different doctor.
I am not excited about that. I will miss Dr T, and I wish there were an
appropriate and acceptable way to maintain contact, but I asked, and
I cancelled my appt with Dr C (Psychologist). I
went over the papers I brought home and it was much of the same "You can
change ANYTHING with the power of your MIND" crap that my Father tried
to cram down my throat most of my life. It immediately shuts me down. I
need a Therapist who will listen, do some back and forth, and then if it
doesn't seem to occur to me, explain why my reaction to stimulus is
inappropriate or otherwise unacceptable. I have that kind of interaction
with Dr T, but he is my meds management doctor, not my Therapist, and
even if he were, he's leaving.
So after that, feeling anxious
and a bit depressed, I called my second cab to get to the other doctor
appointment. I arrived on time, handed over my filled out paperwork,
signed the HIPPA form, and waited. After a bit I was taken by a polite
nurse to a room with a TV and DVD player, as well as pamphlets on
different services offered by the plastic surgeon. I had my first panic
attack in that room. The nurse asked what I wanted, surgically speaking,
I was frank, and told her that I wanted my breasts completely removed.
She visibly flinched, but kept asking questions, then left me to watch a
video on breast reduction surgery. I already know everything in that
video, and I got to the hyperventilation point, after she left the room
so I could watch it in privacy.
Then the video ended and I was
in total silence, in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by video and
pamphlets on breasts and breast health and I lost it. I started to cry,
shake, wanted to vomit, praying for someone, anyone to open that door
and take me somewhere else.
Then the Doctor came in, asked me
questions about what I wanted to do, looked very confused, was very
polite, took some notes and left. Then a nurse escorted me to an exam
room, and instructed me to strip to the waist and put on the robe and
wait for the Doctor so he could get a better idea of what he'd be
working with. I was crying again before she had the door closed, but
kept my breathing controlled. I stripped to the waist, put on the robe
and waited, trying not to claw my arms up or rip out my hair. There is
absolutely no way I could have gone to an appointment like this ALONE,
without the anti-anxiety medicine I take twice daily.
several minutes the Doctor and Nurse came back and pulled back the robe
and showed them what I have. The Doctor didn't seem too worried about
being able to do the surgery I described but he was concerned about the
torn and scarred flesh that is just under the collar of where my binder
rests. The skin under the breast he described as "like new" and he was
concerned with the visible difference there would be from one side of
the scar to the other. I told him I didn't care, that I just wanted them
gone. I specifically said that I didn't even care if I had nipples, but
I needed not to have breasts. He didn't like that, but he was polite.
he took pictures from several different angles, and instructed me to
get dressed and we'd discuss what he would prefer to do surgically in a
different room. I was still really anxious, and I questioned a couple
of different times if we could try to get my insurance to partially
cover the cost because of the size of the breasts and the documented
pain and back problems.
After I dressed, I was walked to a
little office, where he and his wife(?) spoke with me about the proposed
procedure, and when I asked a third time about insurance covering a
portion, I was told they don't work with my insurance, so it might be
better for me to try to find a covered surgeon through my normal doctor.
I was in shock at first but I took the "estimate" paperwork, and called
my third cab, this time to go home.
I probably should have gone
to the pharmacy to fill the script from Dr T, but I NEEDED to talk to
Steve. $50 in wasted cab money. I could have just walked back from the
first Dr appt and only been out $10 for that first cab.
get to talk to Steve briefly (THANK YOU) before he had to go to bed, and
Osaka's Mom, who is in town for Ringo's birthday (yesterday) was kind
enough to walk my script to the pharmacy for me. It's just across the
street but the weather has been crap and really I just wanted to crawl
into the tiniest darkest hole I could find and die. I feel completely
humiliated because I cannot afford $9200, and I was hoping that between
insurance, my tax return, and a portion of my flex spending card, that I
would be able to have this surgery this year, like maybe even before I
turned 31. I also hate that in a well meaning doctor's office there are
photos of my breasts from several angles, and one of my face just for
On top of MY crappy day, Osaka's Mom's Mother
passed away today. Osaka is devastated but trying to keep it contained
until her Mother leaves on Sunday, because she was asked to. I think
Osaka's Mom is sad but far more relieved as this has been a long
sometimes painful experience for "Big Grandma" for a long time.
struggling with trying to be supportive, and overcompensation FINE THEN
I'LL FIX IT MYSELF on the Transition front. I am planning to have my
name legally changed this year and I would like to go file the papers
next week if possible.
Then once I have that official, I will
see what all I need to petition the state of Texas to change my gender
marker. My transition would be legally finished at that point, sans
surgery. I will fight that fight when the time times. Everything else
has fallen into place when it's the right time. I just need to keep my
eyes open and watch for the signs.