This post is about a month overdue, but my internet at home is still not on.
I was at the 2 year mark on testosterone officially, on August 20th.
There have been multitudes of change in the last two years that continue
to floor me. This year's photo is not the most flattering but it is
Since I've begun testosterone, I've grown 2 inches in height, my
shoulders have broadened, my proportions have evened out. My hands have
grown, and my feet have gone up a half shoe size. I've gone done from
wearing usually an XXL or XL to wearing a L or M depending on who makes
the shirt. My waist has gone down 4 inches.
My eyes have shifted to a truer green than the green-hazel I had for
years, which makes me wonder if hormones were what caused the shift from
grey to green-hazel. My eyes were a beautiful true grey like a stormy
sky, until I was about 12, and they shifted to greyish green, then
green-hazel. Now they're more of a true green.
My hairline has stopped shifting, it stopped shortly after last years
post. This is a huge relief because I am incredibly vain and would be
very upset to be going bald or thinning. I'm still having to cut my hair
every 3 weeks (about an inch off each time) and my nails continue to
grow at an accelerated rate.
I've gotten to the point that socially I am vary rarely she'd or Ma'amed. I think the beard helps.
I've actually noticed a HUGE change in how I'm treated on the very basic
social level. It's both upsetting and pleasing. Upsetting that there is
such a difference in how people treat each gender, and that I don't
have a lifetime of experience of that treatment to draw upon, but
pleasing because it proves to me that I am being read and accepted as
I still get nervous if I have to use a public restroom, which was not a
phobia I had before. I try to just not make eye contact and get in and
out without any kind of social interaction, which I understand to be
what is expected and normal for men. If I'm out and about with Osaka and
Ringo, I'll frequently wait until Ringo needs to go, and just go with
him. He's young enough (and small enough) that I feel it doesn't look or
seem weird for him to be with an adult.
And to completely change tracks, I'll touch on my employment for a
moment. This time last year was crazy. I had JUST found work, and wasn't
sure how it would work out. It's worked out fantastically. The company I
work for was bought out by a huge corporation that has actually been
really good for and to us.
I've made a lateral move into a new job at the company running their
Amazon store. I'm doing what I've been doing for years in the doll
hobby. Listing items, contacting customers, shipping items, addressing
customer needs as necessary. It comes easily to me because of my years
of doll shopping and reselling, and I have an office of my own, a
private restroom, and I get to organize and pack things all day.
There are some stressers, like dealing with returns when items don't
work out, or if there is miscommunication. And this is a NEW job, that
I've been at for 2 weeks, so while I'm comfortable there is still much
to learn about exactly how this needs to be done in this application.
I am eligible for full health benefits, 401k, and long and short term
disability, and will be able to set those up next month in open
enrollment. They SNAFU with my benefits for the last year was that I was
mislabelled as Part Time despite working 40 (or more) hours a week
since I started over a year ago.
I think the most exciting thing, aside from the difference in pay, is
that I am working what feels like my first grown up job, with grown up
hours. I work Monday through Friday 8am to 4pm. Weekends off, which is
amazing. I'm making enough that I'm able to pay for my prescriptions and
the bills that I have, with a little bit to spare. Not making bank, but
no longer straining quite so terribly.
On the home front we're still kind of floating and waiting. Pherret has
made it clear he is not coming back, has no interest, isn't willing etc.
Osaka, Ringo, and I are crushed and furious. All of us continue to
struggle with anger, depression, anxiety, on top of our normal day to
day concerns. Osaka babysits for my store Manager Wednesdays and
Saturdays to help a bit with funds, and also because it REALLY helps out
my friend and Manager.
Our internet is not up at home because Pherret isn't consistently
sending money. Osaka lets him know the minumum of what we need, and 3
out of 4 times he sends excuses or a fraction of the reasonable amount
that she's asked. He's working minimum wage, living rent free. The only
bills that he has that I am aware of, are his phone bill, and the cost
of gas, and maybe grocery money. He lives with his best friend who won't
let him go hungry.
I don't want there to be any confusion here. I have no issue whatsoever
with taking care of Osaka and Ringo, assuming I bring home enough to do
so. I just stress that it is Pherret's responsibility, not mine, and
that I don't bring home enough to support them.
As much as we love Pherret and want him to be healthy and happy and
HERE, we all hurt for him, and there is much anger and resentment that
he is getting fat and (theoretically)happy, and we have gone hungry more
than a few times.
That said, Osaka, Ringo and I are doing well, despite this. Ringo is playing the Cello this year.
He's using a school cello, half sized I believe. It's inspired me to get myself a violin.
I've looked at a few on Amazon, and found a great deal for an electric
that I will maybe pick up in the next month. I played violin for about 3
years in grade school and then junior high, and I loved it. Ringo loves
the design of the violin I've chosen.
In other news I got a smart phone at work (less than $100!) about a
month ago. I have the Samsung Galaxy S Vibrant through T-mobile, and
while it's taken some getting used to, I'm loving it. I'm still learning
it, and finding new features daily. I finally got my otterbox case last
night and am very pleased. I have been able to do some minor stuff
online but a post like this really oughtn't be typed up on a phone. My
hands would die, my links would be iffy, and getting the photos set up
would have been hell.
I know this has been a crazy long post, but
for once I've actually felt able to write it all out, with pictures and
links and everything. Today is going to be a great day. :]