I give up. I concede defeat. I can't do this without help. I don't know what I can do, other than run home to Texas as fast as I can. I mean I was going to try and hold things together and come back looking stronger but I'm not. I keep having panic attacks, and I don't want to lose Decke and leave him and Christy and Michael behind but I just can't do this.
I don't know how I'm going to get home. I don't know what I can do, but I don't want to be sitting here hoping things will work out, in another six months. I still need to pack up the last of my stuff, but I haven't even been able to get over there in over three weeks now.
Nick keeps blowing me off, and when Ti went out of town and I insisted that I needed to come over and just pack things up for a couple of days straight, he flat out told me I couldn't do it. I was so angry, and tried to set him straight. I keep folding, and he keeps taking advantage of me trying to settle things peacefully, and just completely blowing me off.
I had a nightmare last night/yesterday that Mom had flown out to rescue me, and Nick and Ti were still blowing me off. I needed him to sign something, or something of that sort and he and she disappeared, leaving me completely destroyed.
I wish very badly there were a good way for me to bring Decke along but I am terrified of living with Dad again. It's not that I dislike him, or that I think there's anything wrong with Anne or Jonathan, but I know myself, and I'm afraid I'll fall into that place where I can't grow, and twenty years from now, I'll wake up someday with no accomplishments, and nothing to live for.
None of this makes sense to anyone else I'm sure, but I am in the middle of a panic attack. I'm writing this out because I need to say it, and it's almost 4:30 am on a Saturday morning and I don't want to wake anyone up, but I need reassurance. I need help.
Jenni, does the offer of my staying with you still apply? I don't mean to seem like a flake, or ungreatful or anything like that. I just think you would be able to keep me motivated, just by being yourself, and I'm alot less likely to be miserable and good-for-nothing a year from now.
I'm terrified of not doing anything with my life. It's why I made up my mind about a career. It's why I'm going to go to college and become a teacher. It may not be a huge ambition, but it's a goal, and it's something I think I could do pretty well.
The world is scary as hell, and I'm terrified of facing it alone. I feel helpless and miserable right now, and I'm tired of being optimistic. I thought that if I just tried to be patient and work on things in the mean time, it would all sort out, but it seems like since I'm no longer under the same roof as Nick, he doesn't feel motivated to do anything in regards to the divorce and sorting out everything.
I need to have some sort of family meeting but that's not really.. easy to try and set up from so far away. I will continue to try and talk to each of you about everything in the meantime. Please pray for me to have strength and to know what to do.
I've given up on trying to take Decke with me. I want to, so badly that I cry about it at night, but I can't do it, I think. I'm going to miss him terribly. I already do.