I have been painfully absent for I'm not sure how long. I think my doctor started me on the Ritalin about 3 months ago and it helped me to focus for school but it also ramped up my anxiety and the adjustment period where the person is less hyper reactive after a little while just never came.
I didn't realize the severity of it until I started the new ADHD medication Saturday. A friend hosted a small and absolutely wonderful birthday party and present me with an amazing customized gift and it was all really great and felt low key despite excitement and sugar from cupcakes and uncooperative weather. I told her towards the end of the party that I was on the first day of the new medication and had been a bit anxious but didn't want to ruin our carefully coordinated plans, and she went way above and beyond what I had expected so my calm acceptance and real visible gratitude was in stark contrast to how I've been reacting to surprises for YEARS.
This was also in drastic contrast to July 4th, when I met youngest sibling's fiance in what should have been a safe neutral place for me (the home I share with my mother), where I was keyed up and anxious and aggressively reactive which I've been on a sliding scale to UH-OH, since starting the Ritalin. I like future brother in law from what I gleaned and I had an embarrassing painful meltdown and lashed out at EVERYONE present before silently hiding in my room.
I asked youngest sibling for a current email and carefully drafted an apology to her and him, and apologized profusely to my mother and other younger sister who were both present.
New med is Concerts, which is a gentler extended release medication and it's like day and night. I wrote some notes up day 1 between carefully preparing last minute things for the party, and I'm stunned. I remember this more than lithium, and if I was worse on lithium I'm ashamed, and thankful that I have any friends left at all.
I may put some of my notes to my doctor about day 1 impressions below.
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First day on the Concerta. Immediate thoughts. More gentle onset. Instead of waking vaguely conscious and immediately shifting to AWAKE and more than slightly anxious, I have had a gradual shift from awake? ..morning fog. Oh, awake. Reasonable list of tasks. Pondering tasks. No immediate onset of frantic anxiety screaming that we must do ALL the things and right this moment.
Still able to focus minus the frantic anxiety of "oh crap so much to do, I can't do these things. *OVERWHELMED*"
Still very much aware of what needs doing. And actively working on it without the overwhelming suicidal pressure of MUST FOLLOW THROUGH ON EVERYTHING WAY BEFORE SELF IMPOSED DEADLINE.
I hope this med stays at this level of helpful focus without triggering my flight or fight response like I was having.
Especially notable that I am not apathetic, just reasonably calm.
This morning I have showered, had breakfast, done some low key prep for things we are taking to the party, emailed (my doctor) about potential interactions, updated my medication list including further details on each medication (exact dosage and chemical name and more accurate dosing timeframe).
I will be helping frost cupcakes and looking further into disability application prep before the party this afternoon. I have been more quietly, **non-aggressively productive in the 3 or so hours of today than the last month.
**Important note. I was productive but INCREDIBLY aggressive on Ritalin. I'll further note changes in behavior as noticed.
Doesn't feel intense like the Ritalin often did after eating. Passage of time feels a bit slow but that's kind of a relief after feeling like running full throttle for months. I'll need to be careful with time management as I'm less aware of time passing today than say this time last week.
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I still need to figure out a new photo hosting option because Photobucket has pissed the bed, but I'm using Instagram and Google images, so I may be able to do something with that. I am pretty sure I have a Flickr but I don't know how to use it and the set up is awkward fot me to look at and navigate.
Oh the awesome customized gift was an American Girl as boy with green eyes and either black or very dark brown hair. I've been calling him Malibu Rory.
Faythe has been looking for free source patterns so we can make him some things but he has some cute sailboat trousers so priority is probably a t-shirt or the like that.
Andi also gave me some lovely bits for my SD dolls, but apparently I didn't take a photo. I'll do so later today I think.
