Face fuzz.

It's been a real long time since I posted a photo of myself. I'm at 38 weeks on Testosterone, according to my counting back from my last post mentioning it (when I hit the 6 month mark). Osaka chimes in, that if I were a baby I could be born, at 38 weeks. I'd be two weeks early at 38 weeks. Thank you Osaka for that random and entertaining information. :)

I've been lazy about shaving, because it's alot of effort to shave properly every day. So I bought an inexpensive electric trimmer, and use that about twice a week when my stubble gets obvious. Today, I was feeling adventurous so I shaved it into as close to a goatee as I can approximate. It's subtle on camera. In person it's still pretty subtle. Even so, I wanted to document my pitiful face fuzz.




I have been told I look alot different than I did before I started, by some of my co-workers. I'm getting 'sir'ed about 35% of the time, regardless of what I am wearing. Then I'll have a random day where it's really consistent, like more than 50% of my customers 'sir' me consistently. Those are the days I come home feeling confused but pleased.

Physically I don't look way different, but my facial shape has changed quite a bit, I think. See this photo from after the beach, week of my 1st shot.


As for the rest of me, my body shape has changed quite a bit. I've lost what little padding I had on my thighs, butt, and arms. My shirts fit loose in the sleeve where before they were snug, my pants fall down, because there is nothing to hold them up aside from a belt that can only try so hard.

So... I think my original point is that I have some facial hair.

Familiar but uncomfortable.

I've been having a difficult time keeping my thoughts sorted lately. There's been alot going in, but not really anything I can discuss. Stress at work, over expectations versus realism, tension in the apartment for various reasons, and still struggling to lose weight and eat/be healthy.

I've found it very difficult to try and talk through these things even face to face anymore. Part of that, is that one of the people I interact with daily, seems to intentionally mis-interpret what I (and others) say, and part is the uneasiness that comes with me subtle changes in how I see things.

I've noticed that I process situations a little differently, than I did, pre-hormone therapy. Instead of saying every little thought that comes across my head, I say almost nothing. Which is strange for me. I've been a chatterbox my entire life, since I started talking in full (long) sentences around my second birthday.

These days, I keep most of my thoughts to myself unless I'm stressed out over something. And even then, I'll end up trailing off, feeling that I am not being understood and that it's not worth continually re-phrasing what I'm saying.

I wish I could have the easy, comfortable conversations that I have with my bestfriend, and some of my family, with everyone. Not to cheapen that, but because I frequently feel that I am not understood. Not in a victim complex way, but in that, I have a very hard time finding the correct words to leave absolutely no room for confusion.

Tension is high at work, and at home, so I find that I'm trying that much harder to leave no room to misinterpret, deliberately or accidently. If I am perfectly clear, every single time I open my mouth, there is less room for confusion, or to pick a fight.

So.. I just don't talk much now. I will have quiet, brief conversations with Osaka, and intermittant conversation with Ringo, and various co-workers, but I don't think I've had a really DEEP conversation with anyone (aside from Osaka, in private) in months.

I miss that. I'm finding that I'm also wanting to be more friendly and social with some of my co-workers, to the extent I asked one that I'm closer to, if he'd be interested in traveling with me to Texas, when I go home for Thanksgiving. We've hung out a few times, and had some in depth conversations and are very comfortable so it could theoretically be a fun trip.

In all likelihood, I will travel by myself, but I did entertain the idea.

I've been suffering from Insomnia alot for the last several weeks. I can't remember the last time I laid down and just fell asleep. Lately I climb up into my bed, tired, sleepy, and sit with my laptop searching for human contact online. I check the forums, I look on facebook, and LJ, I say nothing, and I go to sleep feeling disconnected.

I'm feeling frustrated and because I work such long hours, and there is an underlaying tension all the time, I can't seem to properly unwind and enjoy the things I like to do.

I've aquired several tinies in the last year, and I haven't REALLY played with any of them since I got Starshine way back in early 2010. I've since gotten a body for Moonbeam, gotten Sarabelle, Simon Oliver, Toby, TJ, Ness, and I'm in the staging plans of a layaway for a new boy.

And I haven't gotten to play with any of them for more than a few minutes at a time. I haven't had the time or energy to sew for them, to draw, to paint, to chat online. I'm so frustrated over it.

I used to be able to do these things AND work, WAY back when I worked at Michaels. Sure, I was working like 25-30 hours a week, but I had time for toys, the internet, and theoretically friends. But instead I stayed in my room and played videogames in the dark and slept.

I'm wondering if I'm creeping along that steep-sloped edge of depression. I'm scared that's the case.

I've also been processing some very complex and surprising emotions and memories at the news that a dear family friend suddenly passed. I was given the news that she was sick, less than 48 hours before she passed, and it struck me, far more than I expected it to, since the person in question was so far in my past I'd completely forgotten her impact on me.

Her family, helped care for me, and my family, when we were down on our luck, and desperately needed real friends. They were there for us, and her kindness made a huge impact on me. She encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me to do the things I liked and wanted to do, and was very kind and gentle with her encouragement. I remember her as a mother-figure, when my own mother was scrambling to hold her family together and pull our lives into some semblance of sanity and health.

I really wish I had the ability to fly home and attend her wake, mourn properly, and thank her family.