Years later after a whole lot of different therapists, varied anger management techniques, and a new understanding of what gaslighting is, how it works, and how it's not my fault that it happened to me over and again, my understanding of crying shifted.
Other factors at play made it challenging to cry as a release. After I started HRT in 2010 (IIRC) I temporarily lost the ability to cry at all physically. My body would not produce tears and my emotions got stuck just below the surface with no feasible way to engage in safe and healthy release.
Eventually my equilibrium was restored such as it is, and I learned which movies or shows I could watch to trigger that need to cry. Mostly still no physical tears but no longer that feeling of things being stuck sidewise in my chest.
This brings me to re-watching shows that I enjoy with highs and lows that can trigger this. Some of them trigger a much more intense response on 3rd or 4th watch depending on my current daily mental health.
One that I go back to with big breaks in between is the K-Drama Stranger and Stranger 2 which is same cast (mostly) but a different story that takes place a few years later.
Without spoilers, there is a scene in the finale that evokes an intense feeling of joy, sorrow, and indescribable loss. It's a short scene but the music sets the tone well and two of the characters discuss it later (it's a dream) and one realises (in the context on a non fantasy world) the dream feels prophetic, like a seer, though does not say so out loud.
When I watched this scene last night I had an extreme emotional response. I had physical tears, and I was shaking almost violently from sobbing (silently). That's about as intense as I can expect and it felt strange but soothing.
The big show result is that I woke up having gone to bed not long after, feeling better mental health-wise than I ever do this time of year.
