Crying Is A Journey

So for most of my life crying was something that happened only when I was angry and humiliated. Crying as a cathartic event was beyond my perview and well outside of my comfort zone if I truly had such a thing  

Years later after a whole lot of different therapists, varied anger management techniques, and a new understanding of what gaslighting is, how it works, and how it's not my fault that it happened to me over and again, my understanding of crying shifted.

Other factors at play made it challenging to cry as a release. After I started HRT in 2010 (IIRC) I temporarily lost the ability to cry at all physically. My body would not produce tears and my emotions got stuck just below the surface with no feasible way to engage in safe and healthy release. 

Eventually my equilibrium was restored such as it is, and I learned which movies or shows I could watch to trigger that need to cry. Mostly still no physical tears but no longer that feeling of things being stuck sidewise in my chest. 

This brings me to re-watching shows that I enjoy with highs and lows that can trigger this. Some of them trigger a much more intense response on 3rd or 4th watch depending on my current daily mental health. 

One that I go back to with big breaks in between is the K-Drama Stranger and Stranger 2 which is same cast (mostly) but a different story that takes place a few years later. 

Without spoilers, there is a scene in the finale that evokes an intense feeling of joy, sorrow, and indescribable loss. It's a short scene but the music sets the tone well and two of the characters discuss it later (it's a dream) and one realises (in the context on a non fantasy world) the dream feels prophetic, like a seer, though does not say so out loud. 

When I watched this scene last night I had an extreme emotional response. I had physical tears, and I was shaking almost violently from sobbing (silently). That's about as intense as I can expect and it felt strange but soothing. 

The big show result is that I woke up having gone to bed not long after, feeling better mental health-wise than I ever do this time of year. 

Fasting for Bloodwork

 So Faythe and I have quarterly bloodwork to make sure that our thyroid medication is working properly among other reasons. Usually our sleep patterns sync up with each other about 80% of the time, especially since we both have been living here with Mom and even more so with us homebound because of the pandemic. 

What that means this early Monday morning is that instead of fasting about 12 hours pre-bloodwork, both of us have already been fasting at least 14 hours by 2am because we both crashed from fatigue about midday. Normally this would only be a little inconvenient but since we are also only about (little less than) a week post 2nd covid vaccine shot we have gotten past the most severe symptoms and are left with a bit of fatigue and lethargy. 

So since time math is annoying we can say with reasonable expectation that by our 8am doctor  appointments, we will both have been fasting about 20 hours at that point. Sometimes we end up fasting even longer on accident (sleeping through most of day prior to appointment to try and gather strength as an example) but when we time it right we stop eating 8pm the night before which means we can have a snack as late as like 7 to account make sure our blood sugar at realistic "low" numbers.

In addition to this complication, when Snowpacolypse 2021 killed our power for 2(3?) days it ruined several of my medicines and I missed two of my testosterone shots and was also off my thyroid meds for at least half a week due to a weird postal service delay.

I fully expect my numbers (across the board) to be completely out of whack when we receive the results of today's bloodwork, and I also woke very hungry around 10pm Sunday (IIRC) and it was too late to eat so I'm kinda grumpy/hangry and trying to distract myself until I can eat post (monthly) doctor appointment and pharmacy trip.

On a positive note, I did remember to shave by my elbows. My arm hair is thick and tends to make it hard for the tech to see my veins well. Also it hurts like hell when I have to rip the bandaid (and chunks of hair) off later. Bonus pain since I seem to have mild allergy to medical adhesives, which manifests as a rash and my skin just permanently attaching to the bandage which is obviously unpleasant.

So I guess my first post in forever is just to whine. Sorry. 

TLDR: fasting for bloodwork kind of sucks, we all completed our covid vaccines, and I'm trying to distract myself until my dr appt so I don't sit and think about how hungry I am.