Dream girl, you're a fantasy?

My dreams do weird things to me. When I'm just beginning to wake up, I take the dreams very seriously if it was a particularly intense dream.

I had two such dreams last night. The first of which involved confusion and drama between my very best friend, and her husband. In said dream, he abandoned her after a meal at Golden Corral, even noticing that she was having a severe medical emergency. I can't recall if it was a seizure condition or a heart condition in my dream, but BF has neither condition in real life, that I am aware of. Just dreamland making me process confusing thoughts and fears.

Then at the end of that dream, I woke up, and was scrambling to write down all the meaningful nuances and such. I'm not sure if that part really happened or if it was a segway to the next dream. It could have happened but I ended up giving up and rolling over to go back to sleep since it was only 4:50am.

I became aware that I was dreaming at the very beginning of the next dream, but that knowledge was only partially there the entire time. I was in my "home", an apartment I've never seen before that seemed to have two non-functional garages, visible from the outside. I couldn't even find the way to the one below the first floor, and I went upstairs rather than checking out the one on groundlevel. The wall against the staircase was seethrough, and sound seemed to go through as well, because my "neighbor" called out to me that he was sick of seeing my stupid cat.

I recall seeing a small black cat that could have been Decke, and then my memory is a bit fuzzy. I found myself wandering a small mountain town, via a car? I was with someone but I don't remember them. I startled when I saw two of the women who were at the Golden Corral in the other dream. They called out to me, asking if my friend is okay, which is when I remembered/realized I was in dreamland. They called out from their car, as they were passing the other way at a stoplight.

From there I recall little until I was wandering through a highschool with two women/girls. I'm unsure of their age, but they told me they were enrolling at this school. I remember musing to myself (whether outloud to them I don't know) that this school was in dreamland, and I wasn't sure exactly what the enrolling process would be, or how they could prove identity with documents and all that. My logic being, I assume, that because it was dreamland (but I did not have direct control of the dream, just awareness that it was one) they would not have access to the documents they needed since those are somewhere in their real lives.

It didn't occur to me, as it does now, that they may have had such documents available to them in dreamland, if they weren't aware that it was a dream. One of the women/girls (age is hard to determine in dreams) also seemed to be aware that she was dreaming. I think at that point we travelled together a bit, but there were some people who knew that we knew where we were (dreaming) and were trying to force us to wake up rather than interact with each other.

Seconds before my alarm awoke me, we exchanged names in desperation. My googlefu reveals nothing, but the name in question, was Jeanette Graham Bennett Hutton. I got the impression the last two names might have been hyphenated but she didn't say as much. The intensity of being chased and feeling like it was us against the entire sleeping world, made me want to seek her out, if she was indeed a real person.

It seems a little silly upon waking, but dreams have always been very powerful for me.

So I'm 28 now.

I never posted about my birthday. I meant to, but it just didn't happen. I was on Vacation in East Tennessee when I should have put in to have my birthday off, so I was scheduled to work on it. In the week prior, one of our head cashiers quit under stressful circumstances, and our Front End Supervisor left for vacation the next day. I, and the remaining two Head Cashiers were spread thin, and got by on the skin of our teeth, and the help of someone else in the store stepping in for shifts throughout that week.

On my actual birthday, as I said, I was working, so I didn't do much of anything. I came home, and received hugs and gifts from Osaka and Ringo, both of whom spent great care selecting things I'd love and use. :) Osaka got me the deluxe edition of Dragon Age, which includes Origins, Awakening, and the downloadable content. Ringo got me an assortment of things, one of which was my second transformer figurine, a Megatron to go with the Optimus Prime I received for Christmas. He's the original, gun form. I'll take photos tomorrow I hope, with one or more of my yo-sized boys.

We treated Friday the 15th as my birthday instead, and I had a great celebratory dinner with several good friends, and co-workers that I am fond of. It went well, I think, aside from a migraine that set in about midday, but I slept that off, and felt much better for it by 5pm, when one of my intended guests for the dinner called me to verify plans.

I also ended up going out with Sam Sunday night, and had fun with her and some mutual friends, and then got together with some more friends Tuesday before I had to go to work. This is the longest I've extended birthday celebrations, that I can recall, it was pretty cool.

That said, I've been a bit stressed over work. I've been trying to get a different position at my place of employment for several months, because the expections placed on me, change at too rapid a pace for me to keep up with, and retain my sanity. I was informed just recently, that it's not likely that they will let me off the front end, so I am beginning to look for other work. I'm not happy about this, because I like working where I do, but instead of looking forward to each shift, and my interactions with my co-workers, I am filled with apprehension each day I am scheduled to work.

That, combined with the closing of the specialized clinic I was using, has me fretful. I've been given information on another clinic with the same specialization but I have not gotten in touch with them yet. I plan to give them a call tomorrow, and failing that, Monday, to try and get my medical affairs back in order. There aren't alot of specialists in my area, and most of the searches I've done, recommend the clinic I was using, that has closed. The new clinic, (which I know little about yet) is a further drive, and will be harder to get to, as I can't take the bus there if necessary.

Stressing about that, and work, has made me all but mute. I don't want to stress my friends, and I've lost the ability (in my opinion) to communicate effectively.

Introducing Noland.

I have some photos and such from my vacation to Tennessee to post up, but first, an introduction.

This beautiful boy is a Rosenlied Tuesdays Child Beige, boy version. I've purchased him from SDink, and he is a grail doll. He is a boy version of Beige, and he has an SDink faceup. I love SDink's work, and her faceup list spots are really hard to get so getting a special boy version of a Rosenlied sculpt I adore, who also has one of her beautiful faceups is just fantastic.

Incidentally he arrived lightning fast. He was shipped Friday from San Jose, California, and arrived today, Monday in Virginia Beach, Virginia. I was expecting him to arrive tomorrow or Wednesday while I would be at work and unable to retrieve him. I expressed such to Pherret, and he sat on the front steps when he saw the postman, just in case, and surprised me with a box about 15 minutes after I expressed the desire to take a nap.

As for names I've gone to my list of Irish and Gaelic names that I have tucked away. I'm leaning towards Noland.



I do know that I need to make him clothes because he doesn't want to wear any of what I have onhand. I've got him in a basic white shirt, khaki shorts, and white loafers, but I think he may be a lace and frills sort of boy. I'm hoping that actually since I don't have any little lord fauntleroy types.

There'll be photos from vacation up later in the week probably.

Doll rambling and vacation.

So, at this point I have a nice assortment of tinies and am mostly inclined towards tinies for my future purposes. I've joked that I need enough for a Kindergarten class, but if I were to actually aquire all the tinies that make me go "Awwww" I'd easily have enough.

Currently I have 9, with a 10th in progress. The 9th is Ness, my Impldoll Cyril, who has made it home, and been sealed, but my time off has not coincided with good sealing weather for faceuping.

And, because I can, I present you with photographs, some of which you may have already seen, of my current tinies. Obviously not including Ness, as he's in pieces awaiting faceup and blushing. :)

As a mosiac compilation because I love doing those. :3 At some point (once I have bodies for my 2 SD heads) I will get photos of all of my dolls together.

What inspired this particular post, is my pondering whom I should get next. I'd like an Infinitidoll Tiki, who resembles a Four Sisters Yo in the face, at least with the default faceup. I'm also sorely tempted by Raurencio Robe and Lazune. I'm not crazy about the default faceup on Robe, but Lazune is too precious.

Then of course there are all the tinies scattered throughout my general wishlist, as listed on Den of Angels. I'd like a handful of Rosenlied tinies, a few from Asleep Eidolon, a Leekeworld Tori, a Dollzone Kay, and SOMEDAY a Volks Rengemaru or Suzuna.

I'm tempted to order Raurencio Robe for my birthday since he is only $200, and I could theoretically swing that on one paycheck. However I also need to start pricing plane tickets home for Thanksgiving, and see what I need to set aside.

I'll have lots of time to think about dolls and travel plans while I'm on vacation. I plan to take most of my tinies, and Ichigo to play with and photograph while I'm in Tennesee with Osaka, Ringo, and Wotan. We'll be at their farm in East Tennessee, and I'm excited about it. It's up in the mountains and it's gonna be a week of peace and quiet away from work, and internet, and other stuff. This will be my first adult vacation where I actually go somewhere, and I'm thrilled about it.

Nothing of major interest going on, aside from doll musings and planning for what to do while on vacation. We'll be heading out either Friday the 17th or Saturday the 18th, I believe, and heading back to Virginia Beach, the following Friday.

Face fuzz.

It's been a real long time since I posted a photo of myself. I'm at 38 weeks on Testosterone, according to my counting back from my last post mentioning it (when I hit the 6 month mark). Osaka chimes in, that if I were a baby I could be born, at 38 weeks. I'd be two weeks early at 38 weeks. Thank you Osaka for that random and entertaining information. :)

I've been lazy about shaving, because it's alot of effort to shave properly every day. So I bought an inexpensive electric trimmer, and use that about twice a week when my stubble gets obvious. Today, I was feeling adventurous so I shaved it into as close to a goatee as I can approximate. It's subtle on camera. In person it's still pretty subtle. Even so, I wanted to document my pitiful face fuzz.




I have been told I look alot different than I did before I started, by some of my co-workers. I'm getting 'sir'ed about 35% of the time, regardless of what I am wearing. Then I'll have a random day where it's really consistent, like more than 50% of my customers 'sir' me consistently. Those are the days I come home feeling confused but pleased.

Physically I don't look way different, but my facial shape has changed quite a bit, I think. See this photo from after the beach, week of my 1st shot.


As for the rest of me, my body shape has changed quite a bit. I've lost what little padding I had on my thighs, butt, and arms. My shirts fit loose in the sleeve where before they were snug, my pants fall down, because there is nothing to hold them up aside from a belt that can only try so hard.

So... I think my original point is that I have some facial hair.

Familiar but uncomfortable.

I've been having a difficult time keeping my thoughts sorted lately. There's been alot going in, but not really anything I can discuss. Stress at work, over expectations versus realism, tension in the apartment for various reasons, and still struggling to lose weight and eat/be healthy.

I've found it very difficult to try and talk through these things even face to face anymore. Part of that, is that one of the people I interact with daily, seems to intentionally mis-interpret what I (and others) say, and part is the uneasiness that comes with me subtle changes in how I see things.

I've noticed that I process situations a little differently, than I did, pre-hormone therapy. Instead of saying every little thought that comes across my head, I say almost nothing. Which is strange for me. I've been a chatterbox my entire life, since I started talking in full (long) sentences around my second birthday.

These days, I keep most of my thoughts to myself unless I'm stressed out over something. And even then, I'll end up trailing off, feeling that I am not being understood and that it's not worth continually re-phrasing what I'm saying.

I wish I could have the easy, comfortable conversations that I have with my bestfriend, and some of my family, with everyone. Not to cheapen that, but because I frequently feel that I am not understood. Not in a victim complex way, but in that, I have a very hard time finding the correct words to leave absolutely no room for confusion.

Tension is high at work, and at home, so I find that I'm trying that much harder to leave no room to misinterpret, deliberately or accidently. If I am perfectly clear, every single time I open my mouth, there is less room for confusion, or to pick a fight.

So.. I just don't talk much now. I will have quiet, brief conversations with Osaka, and intermittant conversation with Ringo, and various co-workers, but I don't think I've had a really DEEP conversation with anyone (aside from Osaka, in private) in months.

I miss that. I'm finding that I'm also wanting to be more friendly and social with some of my co-workers, to the extent I asked one that I'm closer to, if he'd be interested in traveling with me to Texas, when I go home for Thanksgiving. We've hung out a few times, and had some in depth conversations and are very comfortable so it could theoretically be a fun trip.

In all likelihood, I will travel by myself, but I did entertain the idea.

I've been suffering from Insomnia alot for the last several weeks. I can't remember the last time I laid down and just fell asleep. Lately I climb up into my bed, tired, sleepy, and sit with my laptop searching for human contact online. I check the forums, I look on facebook, and LJ, I say nothing, and I go to sleep feeling disconnected.

I'm feeling frustrated and because I work such long hours, and there is an underlaying tension all the time, I can't seem to properly unwind and enjoy the things I like to do.

I've aquired several tinies in the last year, and I haven't REALLY played with any of them since I got Starshine way back in early 2010. I've since gotten a body for Moonbeam, gotten Sarabelle, Simon Oliver, Toby, TJ, Ness, and I'm in the staging plans of a layaway for a new boy.

And I haven't gotten to play with any of them for more than a few minutes at a time. I haven't had the time or energy to sew for them, to draw, to paint, to chat online. I'm so frustrated over it.

I used to be able to do these things AND work, WAY back when I worked at Michaels. Sure, I was working like 25-30 hours a week, but I had time for toys, the internet, and theoretically friends. But instead I stayed in my room and played videogames in the dark and slept.

I'm wondering if I'm creeping along that steep-sloped edge of depression. I'm scared that's the case.

I've also been processing some very complex and surprising emotions and memories at the news that a dear family friend suddenly passed. I was given the news that she was sick, less than 48 hours before she passed, and it struck me, far more than I expected it to, since the person in question was so far in my past I'd completely forgotten her impact on me.

Her family, helped care for me, and my family, when we were down on our luck, and desperately needed real friends. They were there for us, and her kindness made a huge impact on me. She encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me to do the things I liked and wanted to do, and was very kind and gentle with her encouragement. I remember her as a mother-figure, when my own mother was scrambling to hold her family together and pull our lives into some semblance of sanity and health.

I really wish I had the ability to fly home and attend her wake, mourn properly, and thank her family.

I am pleased to introduce Tyrell James or T.J. for short.

I'm a little cranky that my tiny laptop keyboard is prone to taking my typing of posts, as a cue to jump forwards or backwards on my internet browser. I lose more posts that way, than I care to count. :[

Anyway my Iplehouse Efreet arrived yesterday while I was at work. He and Byuri both, were in hand less than three days after I got my shipping notice. Nekokoi theorizes that it's because I'm on the East Coast and therefore closer to Customs. She's probably right.

Last night when I got home, I unwrapped him, dressed him, and plopped him in a temp wig, since I haven't had a chance yet to purchase the right wig for him. I took a few photos of him and compared him with Toby. They're both on the standard body, and if/when I get more Iplehouse babies, I think I will get the mobility joint, since from the photos I've seen on DOA it actually seems to make a difference in posability.

Comparison-wise, if Toby is an Irish cream, or pale toffee, then T.J. (Tyrell James) is a chocolate milk and toffee blend. There's an obvious difference in color but T.J. is nowhere near as dark as Osaka's Kamau, who I believe was in the ebony skin. T.J. is in the light brown resin, and it's a beautiful color in person, but hard to photograph, at least, at night. So, the color is a bit.. just don't trust it.





I have pulled out my very short black faux fur, to make him a fuzzhead wig, in the meantime, until his proper wig has been purchased and delivered. The red is charming, but T.J. is not a redhead, and it makes his faceup look a bit off.

I'm very glad I got him, and when I was looking hard at him today it really emphasized what I loved about the sculpt, and my initial reaction of "Oh no, I bought the wrong one" when I saw Efreet, and had just finished purchasing Byuri. I love Toby, don't get me wrong, but I really NEEDED T.J.

Once I've gotten his fuzzwig done, I'll try to take some more, proper photos. I never did for Toby. e_e; I've just been crazy busy with work, and then I was so sick for like a month straight. Ugh.

I might have work news in the near future. I've put in for a transfer to a couple of different departments for various reasons, not the least of which is stress. I like being a Head Cashier, but the pressure is different than it was initially, and I simply don't get paid well enough to cope with it, on top of the other stressors in my life. So, if and when a transfer goes through, I'll update.

Cough*Hack*Cough

So I am currently recovering from an upper respiratory infection.

I had a persistent fever that was just at 99/100 for a couple of weeks, and then Friday it went up to 102, and stayed there. I left work early Saturday, feeling week as hell, and woke up Sunday with my fever having climbed up to 103. I called out sick. My doctor's office isn't open Sundays so I went in Monday. The urgency was much more so, by Monday as I'd begun to vomit, and cough up blood.

I was prescribed Z-pack (low-dose antibiotic) and these awful little pills that are supposed to be a cough suppressant but just made me ill. I ended up vomiting my first dose of the antibiotic as a result, much to my frustration.

I'm on the mend but still feeling week. Ended up calling out today as well because I couldn't stand up for more than a few minutes and I was still coughing up blood. I'm not 100% but I was able to eat a bit today and keep it down. I started taking mucinex today too, to help it along.

The doctor theorized the blood in the mucus is from my esophagus being raw after weeks of coughing and draining etc. I'm just glad my fever is gone, and is staying gone. I've had that fever since about mid-way through Wotan's trip out here, which was like 2 weeks ago.

Dollies!

So, my lovely Byuri arrived on February 26th, just two days after shipping. The wig I'd purchased with him was out of stock when he was ready, so Iplehouse give me the money back in points for a future purchase.

So, here he is! I am pleased to introduce Tobias Ezekial Särkilahti. I don't know a ton about his character yet, but I know he goes by Toby, and can't pronounce his last name. I think he's a California beach baby, about 4 years old. That's all I have so far.




Also I did put Iplehouse Efreet on Layaway on February 18th (sent the second of three payments today). Nude with faceup. I don't know who he's going to be either, but I got him as a boy, in the light brown resin. I wasn't sure I'd posted about that, but I see that I did, two weeks ago, on the 18th.

Incidentally I'm two days overdue for my shot and I'm noticing that it's easier for me to think and articulate, and also that I'm more impulsive. Point of fact, I placed a second doll on layaway today.

I went to Denver Doll Emporium for some reason that I can't recall, and saw Impldoll Cyril. He's a baby dragon. I know Soom did theirs, but I like Cyril better, and he's only $145. So I got him, on a layaway (no faceup or blushing). I COULD have bought him outright, but I still need to pay my phone bill, so I'll probably just finish paying him off entirely after my last payment on Efreet, in two weeks.

I like him for the character of the little water dragon associated with Starshine and Moonbeam. My origin story for them is that Moonbeam is a young witch, who was attempting a bonding ceremony with her companion beast, a quiet but brave water dragon from the lake, and the ceremony took place just as Starshine (a shooting star) was flying overhead. Moonbeam, being a very young little witch, flubbed her incantations and ended up trapping Starshine in physical form as a Unicorn boy. That is precisely why he looks so cranky. ;]

I think Cyril would a great little Water Dragon companion for Moonbeam, but I never did settle on a name for him, so I'll have to figure that out.

Byuri! (and 6 months on Testosterone)

My Byuri shipped! The wig I ordered was out of stock so Iplehouse has refunded me the price, in points, which is fine by me. I'm totally ecstatic. Byuri will be my first Iplehouse doll, and my first tan doll.

I still don't have a name picked for him, but I have a few in mind. I'll wait and see what sort of impression he gives me, once I put in his eyes and find the right wig for him.

And in non-doll news I used the last of my vial of testosterone this evening giving my shot. Luckily I have an appointment at the Gender Clinic on Monday, and I should be able to get a refill script then.

Those un-interested in my documentation of changes/etc, can stop reading here.
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Interestingly, this is week 27, so last Friday marked 6 months on testosterone. I should do a photo comparison.

Items of note in recent past:

I've dropped alot of mass. I've only lost about 3lbs, in the last two months, but I've lost quite a bit of mass, and I've gained muscle in my back, legs, and arms. I still have a tire around my middle, but that's pretty much all that's left as evidence that I used to be REALLY FAT. I'm still over 200lbs, but I'm getting more comfortable with how I'm looking.

Also at 6 months, I'm really starting to notice visible changes. My lips have changed shape. They've gotten more pronounced, my profile is more visible, the skin has gotten firmer, more defined. My lips have gotten a bit thicker, and my nose no longer looks out of place, or overly large, in my opinion, in relation to my other features.

My hairline has shifted, subtly, but it's shifted. I have a scar on my forehead, that used to be about 2mm below the hairline, and it's now over half an inch from the hairline. It's not receding, it's just shifting. The angles of the hairline are sharper. I still don't have sideburns, but I've got notable stubble on my chin, and in a patch on my neck just below the chin.

I'm also fuzzier on my legs, arms, and I'm seeing hints of body fuzz on my neck in the back, below my hairline, and the peach fuzz on my tummy is getting darker.

My legs and butt have completely changed shape. I've lost what little cushion I did have on my backside, and my thighs have shrunk quite a bit (as have my upper arms).

I purchased some new t-shirts on Friday and I think I should have gotten them in a large, as an XL is too big. I'll wear them as intended, for working out and sleeping, but when I do purchase again, I'll be looking at Large or Medium, depending on how much more mass I've lost.

I did mean to track these things on a weekly basis, but the changes have been so subtle that they all kind of hit me at once. My voice has dropped noticeably. More than it had at Christmas, when I called the family.

I've noticed changes in how I react emotionally too. I understand women (and female reactions) even less than I did before. My female co-workers try to get sympathy and I shrug helplessly, because I don't get why the behavior of their boyfriend/etc is bothering them.

I'm also less prone to reacting to the little stuff that bothers me. I let alot more, GENUINELY slide, because it just doesn't bug me now. When I do react it's over-much, but I'm not reacting to nearly the amount of stuff I did before. And frequently those reactions are shortly after my shots.

Which, is why I shifted to doing them Wednesday nights. I was doing them Fridays, but then I'd be RAGEY all weekend at work, which doesn't bode well for someone who is supposed to be in power, let alone someone who is supposed to provide customer service. I had initially just shifted them to Thursday mornings, but I found I was still a bit ragey on Saturdays. So, taking the shots Wednesday night after work instead, it's barely into my system by Thursday mid-shift, and I'm not totally angry by close, and the spike is mostly balanced into my system by the time I work Saturdays.

The main consistent side effects I've noticed, are increased appetite, increased libido(not that I'm doing anything with it), and a spike in anxiety/depression for the first day or two after my shots. The appetite thing has been consistent throughout the whole week for several weeks in a row now though, so that may just be that I've reached a steady base-line of T in my system, my new normal.

Also notable, I seem to have grown an inch or so in height. Which, is surprising, because I am 27, so theoretically my growth plates should have been closed. I currently stand at 5'4", as measured today by a co-worker who insisted that there is no way I was 5'2".