Migraine Blindness

I've been following some of the artists I have learned about via South Korean TV, on Instagram and have been enjoying seeing new or current posts pop up when I remember to check it.

I honestly forget I have Instagram until I get a new Lego set or something else fun and interesting and snap a few pics. So I logged in around my birthday and followed a few new folks and ended up chatting back and forth with an artist I didn't know about and I've been enjoying that. 

My energy has been extra low this month which is pretty standard once we hit the triple digit heat for the summer. I also experience a spike in intensity and frequency of migraine attacks.

So I woke up uh late Saturday having missed my evening meds alarm and then forgot to take them until it was in the safety window of taking my morning meds just a little early. The biggest reason I forgot was because I had migraine fog so intense that I didn't realise it was already here until my vision was already half gone with migraine blindness.

This is a phenomenon where I get in my field of vision black starbursts like if you accidentally stare directly at a light for a long moment. Those little black starbursts spread like black holes sucking away visual information until my field of vision is either a void with no light penetration or reverse starbursts of pinpricks of visibility.

It sounds weird and it super is. If I don't catch it and don't medicate I become functionally blind until the worst of the attack passes. I didn't notice until Mom was showing me a pattern on a shirt she had ordered and I asked if it was polkadot pattern and realised the polkadot was my actual vision (though the flower pattern was somewhat polkadot like in placement).

So I medicated, made a note in my phone and then proceeded to dissociate without any awareness for an hour or more. Once I realized I let Mom and Faythe know via our discord chat. 

Hooray for managing to communicate despite the odds!

A glance at my adult relationship with food.

I woke hours ago to my evening med alarm (8 or 9pm) and before I was even able to clearly open my eyes to see (heavy from sleep) my stomach and brain screamed somewhere deep from within FEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEE. I've been on a short term round of prednisone for my lungs and my appetite has been better for the duration (not a complaint, as food aversion has become part of my daily life much to my frustration, as a result of chronic pain, nausea, and limited energy). So I had to sit on the edge of my bed waiting for my eyes to open without being bleary and I nibbled cheezits for a bit (about a fistfull) and then decided to wait for a proper meal until after morning meds so I could prepare a robust meal that could be eaten in two or three attempts if necessary. 

So I took my morning meds early for me (4am instead of 5am) and then put together a multipart meal which is usually far too exhausting but with the prednisone is possible for now. I've eaten what I can now (less than half what I prepared) and now I'm sitting and waiting to see if I'm Done or just need a moment to let it settle. 

I never would have thought in my teens even though I already had a stress sensitive stomache, that I would ever see eating as exhausting or frustrating because I truly love food. I don't love to cook but thar is because I am prone to dropping things, burning myself, and falling without warning and all of those ate much higher risk with low bloodsugar because of POTS. 

That has been exactly my experience the last few years though as diverticulosis has greatly reduced what I can safely eat, and having pre-diabetic bloodsugar numbers for slightly longer has made it challenging to make sure I eat enough to keep meds down but not so much I'm breaking the delicate balance of "abled" energy I have to work with.

I don't wish to be anyone but me, however I do wish there was a proper and permanent cure for some of my illnesses because having fragile guts AND hormone problems AND POTS, EDS, Asthma and more means I am swimming in tiny circles with broken limbs trying not to drown in life. 

It was Faceblindness

I figured out what I was trying to say on my post about South Korean television and culture. After that post I had at least one conversation with Faythe and another including Mom expressing my absolute delight and bafflement in discovering that I am distinctly less faceblind with South Koreans in particular. I may not get their anglicized name right but I ABSOLUTELY recognize the faces of at least 80% of the Korean actors, entertainers, etc that I've come across through watching "Men on a Mission" as well as watching and re-watching the K-dramas I've enjoyed.

In contrast let's say I am shown 100 American women all from large metropolitan cities. They may have different haircuts, clothes, distinctive features but my brain goes "face round like potato, this distinct complexion, a This is a Brunette White American Woman". That's it. No further helpful information on that face. It's one kind of vague image that literally every brunette with light skin looks like to me if they are roughly average in hight and/or build. I can recognize with certainly from any mainly white culture (Specifically I'm thinking America, Canada, England) maybe 2% of the faces I see. When they aren't white I have a higher chance of being able to recognize them.

In contrast if you show me 300 Korean actors, singers, bit comedians, I can say with 80% certainty if I've seen them before. I may even be able to tell you who they are, what I saw them in, and some details about their likes, dislikes, and personality. ALL OF THAT INFORMATION IS LESS THAN 5 YEARS OLD TO ME. 

Do I recognize someone I worked with or went to school with in Texas? Unlikely, unless they are not white. 

Do I remember my FAR more ethnically diverse coworkers, colleagues and fellow students from Virginia? 90% likely. 

I've determined the thing that "feeds" my faceblindness is the cultural need to conform physically and aesthetically with the "herd". While that probably happens in other specific groups, I don't have as hard a time remembering other ethnic groups. In Texas because of the population density I struggle a little with telling Latin folks apart but not as much as their white counterparts, and if I'm mistaken I apologize and explain that I deal with faceblindness and please do tell me if I mistake you for another person. Like if there are two similar build nurses with same hair/eye color, I might use their scrub styles to differentiate, or accessories like jewelry or watches. 

Basically I hadn't quite found the words yet when I posted my almost figured it out discovery. 

I explained to Mom in particular that when I'm watching Men on Mission while I can't recognize a dialect exactly, I can recognize the idols even when their hair changes length, color, style. I do NOT have that working for me with any other distinct culture. It's almost like I'm not faceblind at all for South Korea.

I can also tell based on what I've learned if a family or clan orginated in Northern Korea closer to Japan (I think, my geography is spotty) or Southern Korea. There is a percentage where I can recognize distinct genetic markers in facial shape, skin tone, color and shape, from Mongolian ancestry in addition to their Korean roots. 

There are also naturally curly haired people all across Korea and while it seems like a low percentage its not super uncommon for boys during a sudden growth spurt to suddenly have curly hair when it was mostly straight until then. I've seen this phenomenon in some men with delayed puberty in America and England so I know there is a hormonal precedent for that specific trait. 

My own hair got much more loose curly before it thinned severely, and I had curls as a baby but when Jenni cut off my baby curls my hair was almost completely straight and would not hold curl from a curling iron at all. 5 years ago my hair was just beginning to thin from stress and also thyroid issues but the hair that is still thick (on the sides mainly) is quite curly compared to anything from youth. 

So basically I was really excited because I can recognize Korean people with about 80% accuracy. The actors and entertainers at least. Even when I "woke up" at 3am because my stimulant unexpectedly kicked in as I was trying to sleep my brain went "oh oh! That idol from that group 3 episodes ago, he was the older brother of Lieutenant Park in Signal in their childhood/past scenes. I knew that I knew his face and that he had played a major minor role and his character had been very kind. I started re-watching Signal a week or so ago and took a break before the next heavy part of the main story.

ADHD + Disordered sleep frustration.

It is 3am April 21st, 2022 when I began typing, and 3:58am when I finished and skimmed for spelling or auto replace errors.

I am currently on second course of antibiotics since the sinus infection cleared from my sinuses but is trying to take root in my lungs (because my history of pneumonia means its too dangerous to ignore whistling and crackling noises in my lungs). Current dose a two week course of Doxycycline and is roughly a month after the Z-Pak which knocked it out of the sinuses but didn't quite kill it. I'm on end of week one of the two week course.

My fever is inconsistent after the first few days which highest on Sunday(?) or Monday at °99.8F, resting closer to my normal temp (°97F flat) but still a bit warm, but I also run low fevers with my migraines so I have to take that in mind. 

I'm no longer obviously draining into my lungs but I still have some cough/tickle sensation which feels reflexive rather than a response to anything actually being in my throat. 

So that said, the last two or three days I've mostly slept. I slept in chunks Monday or Tuesday, or both in longer chunks than I've been used to getting and somewhat more restful but not on my "standard" circadian rhythm. 

I felt like I was awake forever yesterday but I slept for at least two long naps from 2am-ish to somewhere around 8am then like.. maybe 11am to 3pm, and another nap sometime after that didn't take super well.

I'm still pretty food averse and also got the results back (via phone call to voicemail from our doc) on our bloodwork with some not great news which means more stress which means more disordered sleep and more stress about trying to eat regularly and carefully. 

Basically my 12(?) years of Testosterone therapy has made my migraines come back which I knew (it wasn't immediate but gradual), my cholesterol jumped up a few points to a "let's be careful" level, and my blood sugar went from probably pre-diabetic where it has hovered for at least three years without crossing over to, definitely early diabetic. 

This is especially frustrating because my connective tissues are fragile as hell which is standard with H-EDS and POTS (at least when co-morbid as I have), so my diverticulosis is SEVERE and my diet is mainly bread, cheese, meat, and whatever low amounts of other grains, veggies, and fruits I can get my body to tolerate, which actually translates to I mainly survive on frozen food or varied starch or meat based soups because they require low prep and cause the least distress to my guts. 

If I have a salad I need to bury it in like hard boiled egg, cheese, dressing, croutons, minimum and I like to put bacon crumbles on it when possible. That alone still gives me severe cramping for 2 days minimum. So last time we also got a to-go pizza and had that with our giant salad and I had much less pain afterwards. 

My only serious staple as far as my pain is concerned is my mountain dew. Some days I may have 1 can, other days I may have 3. I've cut soda out in the past pre-chronic migraine but none of my medicine works as well without that sugar caffeine balance. 

I also have a serious intolerance for artificial sugars. They TEAR UP MY GUTS and always have. I gave up yogurt very suddenly in the late 90s because all the brands I could stand the texture of used aspartame. I kept getting stomache aches when I was trying to have yogurt to settle stomache aches. 

So I'm newly told that I'm early diabetic and that we know my diet is limited because of these reasons but I should do my best to cut out sugar. And yes I absolutely should where possible.

I can't switch to sugar free soda, and I can't quit it (I've seriously tried many times) and it is basically my 1 real source of sugar. I know bread also turns to sugar in the body but I've really been trying to keep my diet balanced and my body is just like LOL NOPE. 

THIS ISNT EVEN WHAT I ROLLER OVER MAD ABOUT. I took my morning meds a bit early so if I slept through the normal window I wouldn't miss any doses. I've done this a few times in the last two months fighting this crap first in my sinuses and now in my lungs. Today for what feels like the first time in a year or so my stimulant kicked in like it should about an hour after I took it, maybe only 30 minutes. 

The problem is I was laying down in the dark trying to get at least 2 hours of sleep to rest my eyes. Brain went "NO I'M UP AND WE HAVE IDEEAAAAAAS!!!" And that's not bad exactly but it's sure damn inconvenient when I'm exhausted from antibiotics and spotty sleep, and the stress of stopping Testosterone entirely (I didn't even get into why, it makes me make too much blood, even with anemic iron levels I have a pint extra of red blood cells, at least), and now I'm diabetic just like Dad who was NOT A RESPONSIBLE DIABETIC, and like Mom who works very hard to be responsible and eat carefully and well. I have so much love and respect for her truly for listening to her doctors and putting the effort in.

I will probably end up needing a diabetic medicine but unless my blood magically thins on its own and my connective tissue magically gets healthy and strong, most put at me at high risk for invisible internal bleeding or stroke. Add into that, my necessarily limited diet to not literally rip my guts open and my inability to do without soda and I feel like the worst most irresponsible diabetic in the world. I like sweets but I really cut them mostly out when my blood sugar started showing pre-diabetic. 

I'm so frustrated. 

My Meandering Exploration of South Korean Culture

I've started watching *Korean dramas sometime pre-pandemic (honestly, no idea when I watched the first, just that it was an international procedural crime drama, and I loved it) and at some point Netflix started showing other Korean shows too like variety programs, comedy specials, etc. 

I've been watching a light-hearted variety show "Men on a Mission"(previous English title was Knowing Bros) in chunks of a few episodes at a go (or sometimes just 10 minutes) for a while, and I know the main cast of hosts pretty well.

Earlier, I needed a breath, so I switched to a thriller(?) with a supernatural revenge plot. I've learned that while I do NOT like horror or suspense, the cultural difference is such that I'm not scared by Korean horror genre so far. I'm not going out of my way, looking for more. 

When I went looking for something a little different, I re-watched a stand-up special by. Korean artist and realised he was one of the main hosts on this other show, and I now had CONTEXT for a bunch of his jokes. The first time I watched it, I had no idea who he was, but I didn't hate it. 

I'm on "season 4" which is not quite accurate as there were at least two new years specials and Chuseok specials in season 1 which on description was a collection of soem of the best episodes from the first two years. 

I've been looking up terms and learned that Chuseok is what dramas have referred to as Korean Thanksgiving, which baffled me as I think of that particular word associated with North American Colonists. Learning that it is part harvest festival and part reconnecting with family I can understand with modern context (despite the historical genocide behind American Thanksgiving) why it has been called as Korean Thanksgiving. It's the most accurate cultural equivalent despite the upsetting truth about American Thanksgiving in particular, which was not the hand holding Love Thy Neighbor event I was taught in school. 

I went a bit off sides for a moment there. So I watched the comedian Soo-geon Lee's special (made or at least released in 2021, his name is shown as Su-guen Lee) and because I'm faceblind while I thought might be him, it wasn't until he started his jokes that I was sure because many of them reference a co-host from this show, Ho-Dong Kang. I'm using American style name placement with the family name at the end for ease of use. 

A minor frustration for me is that sometimes, when I'm trying to look up a Korean celebrity, their official English spelling is NOT what I've been reading on the subtitles. I've had this frustration before trying to look up official info on an actor to see if I'm remembering them right or confusing them with an actor or entertainer with a similar look or skill set. 

So where was I going with this? I ended up watching part of either season 3 or 4 when I started because that's just where Netflix dropped me into the series. Once I realized this, I backed out and pulled up the look by episode menu and started from the first available episode. They do have the pilot episode as first, and then it skips around a bit as they hadn't settled on a concept and were nearly canceled by the end of the first 6 months.

So I've been watching this in chunks (and my understanding of Korean has improved even if just a little as they speak casually and I hear different dialects and accents from the hosts and their guests. So I've gotten possibly a much more accurate snippet of cultural information just by watching a silly yet entertaining variety show in the last few weeks or months than my at least two years of watching and sometimes re-watching my Kdramas. 

I've also seen many of the faces I have started to recognize from dramas when they were younger and so many of them started out in idol groups (both male and female) and its been weird and interesting to see them before being legal adults (age 20 in Korea I think) how very young and talented they are outside of the specific pressure cooker a drama is and shows.

I no longer remember what I wanted to share so urgently that I had to type it all out, but I probably covered it.

*For the purposes of this post, I'm clarifying that I mean South Korean if I just write Korean.

Crying Is A Journey

So for most of my life crying was something that happened only when I was angry and humiliated. Crying as a cathartic event was beyond my perview and well outside of my comfort zone if I truly had such a thing  

Years later after a whole lot of different therapists, varied anger management techniques, and a new understanding of what gaslighting is, how it works, and how it's not my fault that it happened to me over and again, my understanding of crying shifted.

Other factors at play made it challenging to cry as a release. After I started HRT in 2010 (IIRC) I temporarily lost the ability to cry at all physically. My body would not produce tears and my emotions got stuck just below the surface with no feasible way to engage in safe and healthy release. 

Eventually my equilibrium was restored such as it is, and I learned which movies or shows I could watch to trigger that need to cry. Mostly still no physical tears but no longer that feeling of things being stuck sidewise in my chest. 

This brings me to re-watching shows that I enjoy with highs and lows that can trigger this. Some of them trigger a much more intense response on 3rd or 4th watch depending on my current daily mental health. 

One that I go back to with big breaks in between is the K-Drama Stranger and Stranger 2 which is same cast (mostly) but a different story that takes place a few years later. 

Without spoilers, there is a scene in the finale that evokes an intense feeling of joy, sorrow, and indescribable loss. It's a short scene but the music sets the tone well and two of the characters discuss it later (it's a dream) and one realises (in the context on a non fantasy world) the dream feels prophetic, like a seer, though does not say so out loud. 

When I watched this scene last night I had an extreme emotional response. I had physical tears, and I was shaking almost violently from sobbing (silently). That's about as intense as I can expect and it felt strange but soothing. 

The big show result is that I woke up having gone to bed not long after, feeling better mental health-wise than I ever do this time of year. 

Fasting for Bloodwork

 So Faythe and I have quarterly bloodwork to make sure that our thyroid medication is working properly among other reasons. Usually our sleep patterns sync up with each other about 80% of the time, especially since we both have been living here with Mom and even more so with us homebound because of the pandemic. 

What that means this early Monday morning is that instead of fasting about 12 hours pre-bloodwork, both of us have already been fasting at least 14 hours by 2am because we both crashed from fatigue about midday. Normally this would only be a little inconvenient but since we are also only about (little less than) a week post 2nd covid vaccine shot we have gotten past the most severe symptoms and are left with a bit of fatigue and lethargy. 

So since time math is annoying we can say with reasonable expectation that by our 8am doctor  appointments, we will both have been fasting about 20 hours at that point. Sometimes we end up fasting even longer on accident (sleeping through most of day prior to appointment to try and gather strength as an example) but when we time it right we stop eating 8pm the night before which means we can have a snack as late as like 7 to account make sure our blood sugar at realistic "low" numbers.

In addition to this complication, when Snowpacolypse 2021 killed our power for 2(3?) days it ruined several of my medicines and I missed two of my testosterone shots and was also off my thyroid meds for at least half a week due to a weird postal service delay.

I fully expect my numbers (across the board) to be completely out of whack when we receive the results of today's bloodwork, and I also woke very hungry around 10pm Sunday (IIRC) and it was too late to eat so I'm kinda grumpy/hangry and trying to distract myself until I can eat post (monthly) doctor appointment and pharmacy trip.

On a positive note, I did remember to shave by my elbows. My arm hair is thick and tends to make it hard for the tech to see my veins well. Also it hurts like hell when I have to rip the bandaid (and chunks of hair) off later. Bonus pain since I seem to have mild allergy to medical adhesives, which manifests as a rash and my skin just permanently attaching to the bandage which is obviously unpleasant.

So I guess my first post in forever is just to whine. Sorry. 

TLDR: fasting for bloodwork kind of sucks, we all completed our covid vaccines, and I'm trying to distract myself until my dr appt so I don't sit and think about how hungry I am.

The perils of the passionate mind

 This morning I stumbled into wakefulness with a burning passion to write a Thesis on examining theologies past and present through a modern Christian lens and found myself arguing (with myself) whether I wanted to write a persuasive argument or a comparative piece and now I'm very awake without a proper answer and feeling annoyed that I am not sleeping peacefully.

What dragged me firmly into consciousness was wondering if I emailed my friend and previous English professor about it, whether he would find or interesting or have thoughts or insight to share. 

I guess my brain hasn't given up on my drive to study theology in the greatest detail until my final breath despite my body becoming increasingly broken and uncooperative in the last several years. Thanks brain, I guess.

This is not what I expected my first post in two years to be. At least 2020 is drawing to an end. 

Wake up and Hate food.

    My 6am alarm is entitled wake up and eat food, but when I rolled over in pain and blurrily read my screen, what I saw was the above. My immediate reaction was "that sounds about right", and I attempted to roll over and go back to sleep. However, my 5:30am alarm is my morning meds alarm, so my stimulant was in my system long enough to push back with a "nope, it says go eat, get up and eat".

    So I get up, perch on the edge of the bed, grumble a bit to myself, and ask my mother who is passing the door of my room, on her way to the kitchen if she wants to hear something funny. She says maybe. I tell her what I misread, with the context of what it actually said "Wake up and eat food" and she is amused*.

*Side note my past and present tense get all jumbled, my apologies to the reader.

    I continued with some word play, as I followed her into the kitchen, based on the song "Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode", but I can't recall the specifics even a half hour later (6:36am). I believe I sang "Wake up and hate food" to the tune when I began, and Mom recognized the tune but not specifically the song or artist. I believe I made a reference to "Reach out and touch faith" which I often change to "Reach out and touch Faythe" which further cemented the connection, although Mom didn't seem to recall the song in detail. I recited the artist and title like an AI on a device, border-line robotic with carefully crafted vocal tone. I announced the say was an especially literal day.


    I experience time in an unusual way. I don't experience it properly linearly. I suspect this is why my verb tenses always give me trouble in writing. For me, time is more like a great expanse, all of space, the universe, in every direction, ebbing and flowing in ways the human mind cannot process.

    I have tried to explain this before to friends and family, sometimes in passing, and sometimes in great depth hoping to strike a chord, and understanding of how I experience things, and why time-related memory is such a tricky thing.

    Alarms set on my phone, to try to function in the "linear time" world.

        * 5:30am, "Morning Meds" (which must be taken a half hour prior to food)
        * 6:00am, "Wake up and eat food"
        * 9:00am, "Eat a small snack"
        * 1:00pm, "Drink nutritional shake"
        * 8:00pm, "Evening Meds"

    Sometimes there are additional alarms set for temporary medications, or times are altered to account for temporary situations, like if Faythe is staying over, and wants to be awake at 8am so that we can do something during shared awake time. That time is optimal for our current sleep cycles and maximum functionality in a 2-3 hour window. Once she is awake and has done her morning routines and I've done mine (interrupted today to write this, which felt important) we have about 3 hours before my medication doesn't help me enough to function, communicate, operate at a basic level with other humans.

    **Health. I'm fairly certain I haven't given great detail in any way as to what I've been experiencing, changes in diagnosis, changes in treatment, here or anywhere in quite a long time. I apologize for that. Because of the way I experience time, as noted briefly above, I don't really process how much has passed within a day, let alone as days run into weeks, months, etc.

    I have quite a list of diagnosed conditions. I think it might be easier as bullet points. Easier to follow and process than my stream of thought style of writing at least.

        * Asthma
        * Hypothyroidism
        * Bi-polar Disorder (Rapid Cycling)
        * Chronic Migraine (with aura, literally never-ending)
        * Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD, mild)
        * Social Anxiety Disorder
        * Generialized Anxiety Disorder
        * Postular Orthostatic Tachychardia Syndrome (POTS)
        * Ehlors Danlos Syndrome (EDS, hypermobility type)
        * Fybromyalgia (recent diagnosis, within last 2 weeks)
        * Sleep Apnea (no sleep study done, diagnosed in hospital)
        * ADHD (surprise adult diagnosis)
        * Transgendered (female to male, legally transitioned)
        * Diverticulosis (medically restricted diet)
       

    I keep an updated list of diagnosed medical conditions and current medications on my phone in the ICE (In Case of Emergency) entry of my contact list, under notes, as well as full memos as backup incase EMTs don't check my contacts. At some point soon, preferably before I turn 35 this summer, I'd like to get a medical alert bracelet that is inscribed telling medical personal to check my phone before adminstering medication. I should also make sure I have an updated list of medications that I have had adverse reactions to.

    What this all boils down to is that due to brain fog from the chronic migraine, or pain fog, or both, I require quite a list of medications to function at a very basic level. Trying to function day to day is often painful grueling work, done with whatever smile I can grasp. It's taken many years of constant breaking-point debilitating pain to have that pain taken seriously, which is sadly not at all unusual.

    My doctor was appropriately skeptical when I came into his clinic initially, but as time has passed (not sure how much time, between 1-2 years) and he has been able to see me at my functional best, and also at my cognitive worst, he believes me. At out last appointment I couldn't string sentences together properly. The words were out of order, if I could grasp at words, and most communication was body language, fixating on the words I could manage, arguing to myself that those were not the words, and expressing explicit desperation. Our temporary fix was to tweak my stimulant to a slightly higher dose, and double the dose of my "as needed" migraine medication.

    For the moment, that combination of changes has given me some functionality. The first few days I had higher anxiety in the morning, adjusting to the new levels of the stimulant, and the first couple of times I treated migraine, I had unholy migraine hangover like I haven't experienced in a long while. However, for a brief 5 hour period, my pain went from a solid and unquestionable 8 on the pain scale of 1-10, to a 3. For FIVE SOLID HOURS. It took another 12 hours or so for the pain to ebb back up to that solid 8.

    I try really hard not to discuss my pain, or my suffering because I don't want to burden my friends or family, and I often feel trapped within that pain. I want to discuss other things or do other things if I am functional enough to communicate.

    That said, while I am able to function to this degree, documenting it is important. I don't know how long this combination will work to allow me to function, and I don't know what we are meant to try next as I'm fairly certain my doctor is grasping at straws trying to find anything we haven't already tried to help me.

    I can't or won't promise to post more regularly, because each time I do so, I end up bedridden for months afterwards, and I refuse to make a promise I know I am unable to keep. What I will do, is promise to try to check in more. That's all I can promise.

Cotton Candy Sky

There is a phenomenon I like to call "Cotton Candy Sky" that I've only ever seen in Texas, specifically in winter, in the brief moments of sunrise during an infinitesimally small window of 30 seconds to maybe 3 minutes at the very longest.

In this moment the sky is shades of vivid teal, starburst strawberry pink, and vivid candy lemon yellow where the sky and clouds touch. It is gorgeous, and I've never been able to capture it on film or digital camera because the sky only looks like this for a very brief moment, and by the time I grab camera, or phone, the moment is over.

I've never seen this particular phenomenon anywhere but Texas (specifically DFW sky, which differs greatly from South, Central, and East Texas skies). It doesn't even look like this in Oklahoma with the same specific criteria.

What I've noticed about this effect is that it must be an unusually cold (for Texas) morning, with clouds that look like snow, but spartan. Specifically I think they are sirius stratus clouds spread incredibly thin across the sky.

Something that I think contributes to the uniqueness of this moment, is how vastly HUGE the Texas sky seems compared to anywhere else I've lived. Our trees are short, our hills and valleys pretty subtle at this part of Texas which is part of the Great Plains, or Great Plateau, depending on where in DFW you live.

I saw beautiful, so far un-captured, moment the most as a teen attending early morning seminary before school. Mormon kids in states other than Utah generally attend before school, getting up 4-5am, depending on their family routine and when school starts, and class is usually an hour. During the darkest days of the year we often got out and headed to school just as the sun was rising, and as a passenger I was able to pay this otherworldly beauty more attention than my parents or older siblings who were driving. I also was far more likely to have been up all night, and much more awake at that moment than anyone else, since my circadian rhythm has always been off.

I will attempt, because the weather is right, to try and capture this on my phone's camera hopefully at least once over the next few mornings, because when I mention it, no one seems to believe me. I am given a "sure whatever you say Rory" kind of look, and a sympathetic smile, because I'm a dreamer, and an artist, and I see what others do not see.

To be clear, I've watched sunrises in Illinois during similar weather where the criteria would be met, in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and in various places throughout the US on road trips when I'm loading up the car. I've seen lots of beautiful sunrises, but never THIS sky.