First Christmas in Texas in over a decade?

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas, for those who celebrate it, and a nice break in general for everyone.

Mine was blessedly drama-free. I was a little nervous after Thanksgiving ending in tears but Christmas was fine. The only hangup was when Mom and I attempted to make scratch queso-dip and botched it. Christmas dinner was TexMex, and we ended up bringing ginger cookies since the queso was a fail.

Mom and I stayed up Christmas Eve and opened our gifts just after midnight. Logan gave me some cute/fun pokemon themed gifts, and Mom gave me chocolate and a cute gnome she made.

I just realized this afternoon that this is the first Christmas since I received my first Lego set when I was 10, that I have not gotten Legos for Christmas at all. I wasn't expecting gifts at all, but in retrospect it's a weird place of disappointment. I don't feel like I should be upset, because I wasn't expecting anything, but it also doesn't feel like Christmas (or birthday) without Legos. I might have to poke around and see if I can find an inexpensive set that I like. This quiet down-time is usually spent building or playing with my new Lego set or sets so I feel kind of at odds.

I couldn't sleep Christmas Eve (stress?) so as soon as we got home from Fort Worth I took my evening meds and went straight to bed. I slept I think 12 hours and spent a little time reading a webcomic Faythe was telling me about, and then decided to check in online.

Anyway, Mom's cooking up dinner and I feel like being companionable, so I'm gonna go see what help I can be.

I hope that everyone had a pleasant and drama-free day of it.

I slept a few hours and dreamt of Gods and Dragons.

I wasn't able to get any sleep before my doctor's appointment but it went okay. I calmed down enough (reading over at Archive of Our Own) that I was able to mostly articulate clearly from what Mom said. I have little memory of it. The appointment was 8am.

We discussed my head trauma (I seem to be fine at this point), my persistent and aggressive migraines, my Reynauds-like symptoms, and potential treatment for all of the above.

Dr M has tentatively doubled my dose of imitrex. Our thoughts are take a full dose at onset, take a half-dose if I need more. This would not only stretch out my medication, but it should hopefully kill this month long migraine. It has a better chance of it than what I'm doing now which is taking the bare minimum of medication every 3 days or so to take the edge off. I had to make my meds stretch, so basically I couldn't properly dose, or I'd be out in less than a week.

I also know in theory what needs to be done at school. I will have to go up to campus very soon and plug through talking to financial aid, reassessing with an advisor, tweaking schedule, and talking with financial aid again to confirm that it will work. This is a huge headache even without the stupid migraine. It's necessary though, so it will be done.

I'm doing to be flipping exhausted by the start of school in January if I'm scrambling like this the whole stupid time.

Anxiety attack at 2am.

I have an early doctor's appointment (regular check-up) and went to bed at a reasonable time so of COURSE I can't sleep. I think this happened last month before my visit too.

I'm a bit aggravated by this. I've been trying all my usual "time to sleep" tricks, turning off the lights, getting comfortable, familiarizing myself with the night noises, but my brain is on hyper alert. I've had a migraine pretty much non-stop minus a few hours here and there for I think a month.

What is keeping me from sleeping right now? I keep settling into bare consciousness and hearing a plastic bag rustling. The plastic liner in my little trash can is not touching the fan blowing at low speed. There are no stray plastic bags in the hall, and Mom's light is OFF which tells me she is not playing with plastic bags at 2am.

Best guess as to actual noise? Audio feedback. I've been having issues translating speech today, noise only. I've been able to read and respond to text, but spoken word has been that strange noise I can't quite decipher. My brain feels like it's got an electrical fire going and is stuck in a bucket of mud simultaneously. The mud slows down processing but does nothing to alleviate the lightning storm in my mind.

I could scream. I just wanted to get a couple hours of sleep so I don't look as crappy as I feel when I see the doctor. I don't like going to see a doctor when I look as crappy as I feel. It's depressing, and it tends to throw off my sense of self. I have a hard time feeling like anyone should take me seriously when I feel and look like hell.

I'm beginning to feel frantic about school. When I got my classes signed up, there was an issue with FAFSA. The government website says I'm fine, so I need to go back to the school and try to figure out if it's a matter of trying to take too many credit hours or what.

I was told that not attending in Fall should not affect my eligibility for Spring semester and I'm going to be really angry and upset if I find that my transcripts getting lost in the mail the first time, shot me in the foot for attending this particular school. I'm running out of time to get it sorted. I need to tweak the schedule I set up even if FAFSA is fine, because the class times are not what I thought I was signing up for. I can do the course load but not the weird hour set up that I have going right now.

This seemed so much easier at TCC (Virginia). I went in, I signed up for courses, I could get to the school on my own (via bus OR walking), and all the offices I needed were easy to find. The staff seemed friendlier too. I just REALLY need this. I need to not feel like a complete screw-up. I need this to work out. I don't think I have time to try and get into a backup school, and I wouldn't know where to look right now honestly. I don't want to be left twisting in the wind, and if I can't get this sorted for Spring semester, I can't attend this school at all, ever. They will put a permanent irreversible block on my record for something in the vein of failure to get myself together.

I want to scream, cry, sleep for a month. I want this damned migraine to end. I want Christmas to be over. I can't handle all of this.

I accidentally gave myself a concussion today.

I had migraine going, and ducked my head into the fridge to grab something (I think a soda, needed caffeine), and cracked my head audibly on the freezer door when I stood up, thinking I was clear. I stood there a second just internally screaming in pain and then felt violently sick.

I ended up sitting down but upright and my sister Faythe who has been over for the weekend fetched me an icepack, my nausea meds, and some ibuprofen to get the knot that was forming to hopefully settle down.

Seeing stars when you already have a migraine sucks. Not being able to go to sleep while having a migraine also sucks. I’m waiting for my pupils to return to normal and my symptoms to lessen before I even consider sleep. Right now I’ve got the ice pack again and am poking at the internet and gaming stuff in low light but with my contacts in so I remember that I can’t go to sleep yet.

Also, I did get my school schedule sorted out I think. The times are a little weird but coordinating my schedule was challenging since as a transfer student I can't set it up myself the first time.

Also apparently I need to re-apply for FAFSA because I wasn't able to attend the school this Fall, so it zeroed out or something. In theory it's an easy fix. I WILL get it sorted, and I WILL be attending school this Spring damnit.

So, I guess I will go fight with the FAFSA website now, and go ahead and set up my 2017-2018 FAFSA as well while I'm at it.

School prep.

It's a bit startling when I scroll through my Facebook feed after updating or changing my profile picture and my initial response is "who the hell is that?!".

I'm in that place where I don't recognize myself in photos very well but the mirror isn't throwing me off much.

If I recall correctly I experienced this to a similar degree, roughly three months ago also.

Tomorrow I get to go up to the school and sort out Spring semester, student ID, and some other sundry details. I will also theoretically get to spend some time with Logan, which will be nice.

I'm aiming for a 12 credit hour Spring semester, preferably 2 or 3 days per week so I have time between classes to work on my assignments.

It's supposed to be about 26F tomorrow morning when I'm planning to head out so I dug out a hat, gloves, and some thermals.

Migraines, Pokemon, and Holiday Depression.

My sleep has been more erratic than is usual for me. When I'm sleeping it's been fitful, and in short bursts of 3-5 hours versus my more common approximately 8 hours. Last night I went to bed about 1:30am (that's the last time I looked at my phone for the time), give or take 15-20 minutes to actually get comfortable and fall asleep, and I switched from dreaming to fumbling lucid dreaming somewhere about 4:30. I was aware of physical discomfort, aches in joints, even while still dreaming, and also a pressure that I recognize as a need to pee. As the dream went from vivid but almost pleasant to robotic and crumbling in realism, even the dream variety which is more surrealism I was frustrated to find myself very much Awake, but without the adrenaline rush of a panic attack. Phone said it was 40F and 5am.

Even in that awake, I still felt fatigue, so I went to the restroom and then curled back up under my blankets trying to find comfort. I gave up about 5:30am. I am light sensitive and sound sensitive. I've still got the migraine I was fighting Thanksgiving day. It's come and gone in intensity but only because I have been medicating and resting as much as allowed. I think the sleep disturbance is exacerbated by the imitrex. The sleep issues are not the same kind of insomnia I've had my whole life, and this has been the first longer more intense migraine in several months I think.

Some of it is hormonal, it's that time for switching to a new vial of testosterone, as the open vial is low and less efficient by month three. Some of it is also the season. I think I've touched on this before (probably every year) but the holidays make me suicidal. I'm not currently feeling that but I can feel all of the stress that comes, and the guilt (not actually associate with anything I've done or not done, thanks brain).

For me it tends to gear up in October and swell around American Thanksgiving in November for a terrifying crash into the abyss right about Christmas.

How I'm coping at the moment is attempting to stay busy. I have the need of an ADD squirrel for constant mental stimulation. I have the depression going which means that instead of sewing an army's worth of clothes, or knitting a million sweaters, I'm gaming on multiple formats at once. Yesterday I woke very early after a couple of hours of sleep, and kept myself occupied by having either a movie or youtube on the TV, my phone playing a game that has an auto mode that can be toggled so there is minimal need for input but lots of visual stimulation, and pokemon leveling and grinding on my 3DS.

I kept thinking it looked rather like an illustration, the dark figure highlighting only by the glow of multiple screens at different angles, the only light reflected off the eyes, emphasized by the dark circles under them. My imagination gets away with me, but I was briefly tempted to try to focus on just one thing and try to draw it. I'm not capable of that right now though. I don't do multitasking in a traditional sense, as I can't focus well on multiple targets, but when the name of the game is ultimate distraction and grinding through anxiety and feelings best left alone, staying that busy doing realistically meaningless tasks helps.

I'm not exactly clear on how long I've had this migraine (at least a week, but I suspect longer), but the intensity of it is such that low light is painful, and having the overhead light on, is simply compensation so that I can stand to view my laptop screen at the dimmest setting. The sound of fabric rubbing on fabric is painful, and the sound of my blood pumping is deafening. I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do aside from what I have been doing.

If I haven't shared before my migraine treatment goes like this. I take Gabapentin as prescribed daily to lessen the frequency and intensity of the migraines. At the onset, or as soon as I recognize the early warning symptoms of the migraine, I take an imitrex, 1 benadryl, and 2 ibuprofen. I will also have a soda on hand (my preferred is Mountain Dew Voltage), and try to eat something salty and something sweet. Then if possible, I remove myself to a dark and quiet place (i.e. my room with the double layered blackout curtains), and apply either an icepack eyemask, or standard sleep mask and lay down until I either fall asleep or the symptoms lesson. Oftentimes both.

When out in public and retreat is not possible, I take the medication, have soda on hand, try to get something salty and something sweet, and gut it out with sunglasses and earplugs. Usually this is enough to make me resemble a functional person until I can safely get home. When it is not I have been known to be snappish as I try to function through the screaming nerve pain that is amplified with the migraine.

~~~

And now for something completely different.

I beat story mode for Pokemon Moon in 41 game hours. I'm working on dex completion now since Bank is not yet compatible. I'm at 100% for the first island. I'm at 90% or above for the other three islands. The few pokemon I have left are things that need to be leveled really high or are only catchable through the SOS system.

Anyone playing Sun or Moon with me? If you have gaps I have been keeping what I've caught or traded so in theory I can breed to help with dex completion. I have all three starters, and most of the Sun exclusive pokemon, as well as the Moon exclusive ones.

If you are playing and we have not already exchanged friends codes feel free to comment and we can add each other. This is me.

Rory
1693-0464-6407

Trainer names for Gen 6 (XY/ORAS) are Rorek, Rokinshi, and Cailin. Gen 7 (Sun/Moon) is Shiro.
I do have all of XY/ORAS, but have been keeping Omega Ruby at early so I can restart it for extra legendaries that I have been setting aside for Ringo. I promised him beginning of 2016 that I would get copies of all the 2016 Legendary releases for him, and would hold onto them until he had a Gen 6 game for me to transfer them to.

I don't have Sun yet but I've sold some games I don't play (tried them, never will) and am hoping to scrape up enough for it either for Christmas or shortly after.

~~~

I hope everyone has a fantastic Holiday season.

Checking in a bit late.

It has dipped into more consistent cooler weather in the last week or two. I'm actually hoping for a severe for Texas winter because I just can not deal with our two seasons (hotter than hell, and maybe cool enough for a hoodie or jacket for a couple of hours).

The temperature overnight was 42F so at the risk of triggering a heat wave I put my flannel yeti sheets on my bed, and layered some blankets. I discovered my comforter is in a box somewhere in Tennessee cushioning fragiles. I do have another duvet bit it needs a cover. I think Mom and I may hit some of the consignment stores and look for one. I don't want to pay full price for what may be temporary protection for the duvet.

Friday I went to Grandparents and Special Friends day at the school of my niece and nephews in Fort Worth. They attend a lovely school and we got to visit their classrooms and see each of them for a bit. It was really nice.

Oldest nephew got to show a fun scientific display, and show us his classroom.

Younger nephew read to us in the library and performed in his immersion Spanish class play of The Three Little Pigs. He was the Fox which they had instead of a wolf.

Youngest niece (on that side of the family, though oldest child in her immediate family) took part in a quiz game with her class and it was fun. Visitors were encouraged to cheer them on which we did.

In a completely different direction I am dreading Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to seeing almost everyone, and I'll prep for migraines and everything I generally prepare for but I'm incredibly anxious about interacting with my father.

I don't talk about him much. Several years ago (late 2008) he had a series of big strokes and nearly died. Scans showed scarring indicative of longer term damage from older smaller strokes which explains the series of personality changes he has gone through as far back as I can remember. The person he is currently physically resembles the man I called father but the line is drawn there.

I'm increasingly anxious knowing that his current personality likes to poke at soft spots and claim ignorance. I broke down in tears and begged my mother last night to please pleased have my back when/if he started in on me about my ex-husband or transition or pronouns.

I'm already suicidal this time of year and I just can't handle interactions with him. I will be expected to at least greet him but I imagine since I've been gone the majority of the last 10 years he will try to corner me to talk and I just can't.

I want to live. Honestly I do. I just can't sit there any listen to him ask me if Ex and I are going to try to work it out (the divorce was final in 2009), and then blatantly ignoring any response and jumping into telling me why I'm wrong about (insert any topic here, literally anything). I also have learned from reliable 3rd party sources that he is misgendering me and "correcting" family members that are using my correct legal name (as opposed to my birth name) and correct legal pronouns (as opposed to assigned at birth pronouns). That is probably the biggest source of anxiety. The poking at the marriage and why we didn't have children (we tried, we couldn't) that hurts enough but poking at the only red angry soft spot I have left is exactly the sort of thing he will do, because he's been doing it to me since well before the strokes, and he's been doing it to my sisters for at least since late 2008. One of them refuses to be alone with him because of how he intentionally gets under her skin, and I do not blame her in the least.

CHANGE OF SUBJECT~!

Friday Logan dropped off my preordered Pokemon Moon while Mom and I were in Fort Worth, in discreet packaging to prevent theft, and I have been playing it almost non-stop since.

I went with Litten to start with, but once Bank is enabled I am planning to bank all my progress and restart unless I have been able to procure a copy of Sun between now and then. Right now I'm about halfway though going on the Z-crystals I have, and where I'm at on Island 3. There's one more proper island, still lots to do on the one I'm on, and a man made island which I expect will be a plot-point. My pokemon are hovering between level 45-53 which is dangerously close to the "not gonna listen" point, so I'm hoping to breeze through the last challenges on this island and unlock my next chunk of levels that will listen to me.

So far I like the way the character customization plays out. You get access to the salon and some clothing pretty early on, and it looks like unlike X and Y, the store inventory stays the same, so I can buy all of one store and not have to go back and check every day for new items there. Right now my character has a short blond hairstyle, brown eyes, and light tan skin, and a green, white, and black outfit.

Serebii doesn't have much information yet so I'm googling because there are a few people who got early release copies or did speed runs to get information out there for us. Serebii has some information but mostly if I have a question I'm googling it. Some of my questions don't have answers yet. Some do, and I've noted them and moved forward.

I initially saved and quit to change my sheets and have a sandwich but now I'm considering sleep. I am running a load of laundry (the sheets that were on my bed, and whatever was in the basket) and have a timer so I know when to get up and go put that in the dryer. My tentative plan is to stay awake long enough to transfer to dryer, ensure the load is dry, sort, and put away the laundry and THEN sleep. That means I would be awake another two hours minimum. I was overheated after I changed my sheets but now I'm back to my normal temperamental swing between comfortable and slightly too warm or too cold.

My only firm plans for this week are MAYBE Knit Night tomorrow, definitely Thanksgiving with family in Fort Worth on Thursday, and Friday here in Garland with Mom and Faythe. Black and Blue Friday is a tradition of working on the house the day after Thanksgiving and avoiding the shopping crowds. I may skip Knit Night this week to save spoons towards Thursday.

Busy busy. Staying busy for sanity.

I don't think I posted anything about how things went this last week.

Monday was good, I spent much of the afternoon with Logan as planned. We had a very pleasant low key afternoon.

Tuesday Mom took me up to Richland College to see about paperwork and potentially see an advisor and select classes for Spring. Turns out my transcripts were lost in the mail so we came home and ordered new copies.

Wednesday I read in the living room so I could hear the UPS truck come. It was a beautiful day so I ended up sitting out on the porch for awhile reading and enjoying the fresh air.

Same for Thursday except for an evening interview with someone who is working on some youth lit and needed some information about realistic expectations and reactions to things I've experienced.

Friday was a Pie Five doll meet, and Faythe came over and has been with us through the weekend and will be visiting Logan with me again today. I also got to spend some time with Ashbet as she opened her new doll and decides on eyes, wig, and outfit for the meetup. :)

Saturday was our quilt club day and we went out to Carrollton and then visited a yarn store on our way back. I was tired and took a nap.

Sunday I accidentally didn't sleep until 2pm and then I slept 8 hours fitfully. After midnight I caught up on laundry.

I tried going to sleep at maybe 4am but couldn't sleep so I got up and had a shower and decided to write a quick entry to check in.

It was a very long week and I have things going on this week too but less than last week. Today with Logan and Faythe. Tomorrow is Knit Night and Faythe goes home after. Wednesday fir recovering, Thursday is a Dr appt, and the weekend is free for now. @_@

I may be forgetting something.

Election Final 2016

I have never been more scared in my life than I am now. America elected a man who stirs up hate, has no qualms about assaulting women, abuses the system, and in general terrifies me. I have no future in this country and lack the means to leave.

Politics

I think I am either Captain Oblivious or a massive masochist.

I hate politics. I hate seeing people I love become nasty every 2 years between local and national politics. I think I have removed more people from Facebook in the last two weeks for seriously not okay over the line politically bent stuff than I ever have in the history of Facebook.

I've always tended to be an early voter so I was a bit thrown forgetting this is election day when I checked FB messages, clicked wrong and had a scrolling screen of vitriol.

I have been very quiet about my political views I think because in general I tend to be the "we don't need to agree, but we do need to be respectful" sort. My unfriending and unfollowing has been reserved for only extremely hateful posts of any political background. There's been enough mud slinging on all sides my friends list keeps shrinking and I'm starting to just be sad and disappointed as I continue to remove bigots and those who sling hate in any direction. I wish I could say it was only people who have different political views but it's not.

I'm ready for this to be done. I need this to be over so I can prepare for the fallout.