Chinese Dramas, some Thoughts

Awhile back I began to watch Korean dramas, way way later than everyone else I knew. I had friends in 2006-2009 who were already watching and enjoying Korean Dramas, which were the easiest to find for US viewers at the time. I think I began to watch Korean ones first, via Netflix around 2017, probably later even. 

I also started watching some Chinese and Taiwanese drama on Netflix or YouTube (less frequently as the ad breaks annoyed me). 

Sometime last year we abandoned Netflix in our house, because the price had gone stupid, their policies were getting really annoying, and they were losing all the best shows to other streaming services. 

So, as a result of all of the above, I returned to YouTube which mainly showcases Chinese Dramas. I've watched dozens of long form classic style series, and then stumbled across Short Dramas which are kind of a niche thing.

Episodes range from 2-10 minutes apiece, the format is intended for view on mobile phones, so it's shot vertically. I stumbled into these by accident, as I had found a few gems of Dramas that happened to be the vertical screen format. 

The ones I watch are uploaded to the same half a dozen or so reliable channels where they make sure to provide a variety if subtitle languages, and they keep them uploaded for at least a few months which means I can save it to a playlist to enjoy again later. These channels condense the series into one long "movie" format, so a short drama series will be between 1.5-3.5 hours long for the complete series, depending on the original length of the series.

I had already been watching series condensed into movie forms. The frequent ad breaks in the middle of episodes and hrnw again between each episode was bothering me a whole lot. These condensed movies of full length Dramas would sometimes trim down things for full length (30-60min) episodes, to make the "movie version" fit within the confines of allowed upload lengths for YouTube rules. 

My early watches would have full long form series broken into three or four 3.5 hour chunks which was much easier to watch than 40 35minute episodes with commercials every 12 minutes (it felt like). 

Now I watch a drama between 1.5 hours and 3.5 hours with only half a dozen interruptions on average (for commercials). Sometimes even less. 

It's been a real game changer for me, and I discovered quite by accident that my long term, in depth exposure to both Korean and Chinese culture through my BJD hobby and Dramas, allowed me to be able to recognize Asian faces. 

I'm faceblind so being able to recognize anyone's face is a big deal, but I discovered my ability to CONSISTENTLY recognize Korean faces first, and with a little more observation found that ai could also reliably recognize Chinese faces, and to a lesser degree, Japanese faces. My exposure to Japenese culture was earlier (2003) but far less in depth than my exposure to both Korean and Chinese culture. 

My interest in historical Theology overlaps well with Chinese historical culture so I think I have the most broad knowledge there. All of this is long-winded and rambling but stuff I've been meaning to make note of for awhile. 

Period Dramas (Historical Costumes)

Recently I've been re-watching dramas that I enjoyed at least once, and put on a list according to their re-watch value. The past two or three days I've been re-watching "The Love by Hypnotic" which is a Chinese period drama with some fantasy elements (but not Wuxia). 

The main reason I decided to come back to this one was a funny translated line that bubbled back up to the surface a few days ago. I don't remember which episode it's in but I remember it was funny. The female lead is scolding her husband and says "You are a shameful and horny prince!". 

The context as I recall it is that she tried to hypnotise herself to forget him to protect him (their marriage was political and love came later) and mistook his physical presence as a last hallucination of him that her mind gave her to say goodbye. So she took him into her bed and gave him a passionate goodbye (it was a tasteful fade to black of course). 

I can't remember the specific scene but she realises he was really there and is hilariously scandalized that he was willing and happy to take his beloved wife to bed. I believe there was some political intrigue and so she quite reasonably thought he couldn't possibly really be there because he would be in danger. 

So basically as much as I enjoy their love story I'm mainly re-watching the series to gain context for this scene and line.

Additionally I noticed that they must have filmed in deep winter because the poor actors and actresses have visible clouds of breath indoors in several scenes. The prince, Li Qian, (main male lead) has red hands in many of their interactions and I just want to reach through the screen and warm his poor hands. 

Ah, the dialogue was in episode 31 according to the recap/review I have bookmarked. 

Nightmares or Anxiety Dreams

It's not a debate more of an internal category sorting problem since it can be either or both. 

Anyway I keep having upsetting dreams with a theme of busy preparing for a move with people I know and love, sometimes it's Christy and members of her family, sometimes it is other people I don't know in waking life, sometimes it's my own family members. 

Also variable formats, A: I didn't know we are moving but everyone else did, B: I knew we were moving but I'm not done packing and suddenly it's D-Day, C: I am done packing but someone keeps unpacking or moving things while I'm asleep or elsewhere. 

Those are the most common ones for the moving anxiety nightmares. I woke from one that was a blend of A and C just a little bit ago and my chest feels tight like a panic attack half-started, with my heart hammering and adrenaline pumping. I hate it.

Moving is the most stressful and traumatic thing in life to me, and I have personally experienced what many people would consider far worse traumas. 

I suspect I'm anxious about Mom's health and her impending retirement and knowing how much of a financial burden my continuing existence is. I am not a danger to myself. I am just aware of how expensive it is to keep me alive.

Rogue Patella

So today I has one of the most excruciating experiences of my life which was anticlimactic in the end. I was crouched down to refill my wire rack of soda and my left kneecap decided to dislocate in protest. This happens sometimes regardless of position but today I was stuck in that position and my back and body froze on me, causing lightning pain to shoot up and down and an increasing fear that my tendons or cartilage were going to snap as my knee refused to budge. 

After what I estimate was at least 10 seconds real time I managed to brace myself against the fridge frame on Mt right and the dishwasher on my left and drag myself to a standing position.

My knee was already swollen, but gentle manipulation set my patella back into the correct placement and I determined there might be tears but there was no full break in tendon. 

I was already preparing to eat so I limped down the hall in three trips to carefully take my food to my folding tray and an icepack to reduce swelling. I also immediately took an anti-inflammatory and anti-nausea medication. The pain has gone from the 10 I had while crouching, down to about a 4 initially and has crept back up to an 8 since it happened.

Unfortunately I seem to have lost my soft compression knee brace in one of my moves so I will probably brace that ankle incase I end up spraining it while being careful of my knee. 

This super sucks. 

Migraine Blindness

I've been following some of the artists I have learned about via South Korean TV, on Instagram and have been enjoying seeing new or current posts pop up when I remember to check it.

I honestly forget I have Instagram until I get a new Lego set or something else fun and interesting and snap a few pics. So I logged in around my birthday and followed a few new folks and ended up chatting back and forth with an artist I didn't know about and I've been enjoying that. 

My energy has been extra low this month which is pretty standard once we hit the triple digit heat for the summer. I also experience a spike in intensity and frequency of migraine attacks.

So I woke up uh late Saturday having missed my evening meds alarm and then forgot to take them until it was in the safety window of taking my morning meds just a little early. The biggest reason I forgot was because I had migraine fog so intense that I didn't realise it was already here until my vision was already half gone with migraine blindness.

This is a phenomenon where I get in my field of vision black starbursts like if you accidentally stare directly at a light for a long moment. Those little black starbursts spread like black holes sucking away visual information until my field of vision is either a void with no light penetration or reverse starbursts of pinpricks of visibility.

It sounds weird and it super is. If I don't catch it and don't medicate I become functionally blind until the worst of the attack passes. I didn't notice until Mom was showing me a pattern on a shirt she had ordered and I asked if it was polkadot pattern and realised the polkadot was my actual vision (though the flower pattern was somewhat polkadot like in placement).

So I medicated, made a note in my phone and then proceeded to dissociate without any awareness for an hour or more. Once I realized I let Mom and Faythe know via our discord chat. 

Hooray for managing to communicate despite the odds!

A glance at my adult relationship with food.

I woke hours ago to my evening med alarm (8 or 9pm) and before I was even able to clearly open my eyes to see (heavy from sleep) my stomach and brain screamed somewhere deep from within FEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEE. I've been on a short term round of prednisone for my lungs and my appetite has been better for the duration (not a complaint, as food aversion has become part of my daily life much to my frustration, as a result of chronic pain, nausea, and limited energy). So I had to sit on the edge of my bed waiting for my eyes to open without being bleary and I nibbled cheezits for a bit (about a fistfull) and then decided to wait for a proper meal until after morning meds so I could prepare a robust meal that could be eaten in two or three attempts if necessary. 

So I took my morning meds early for me (4am instead of 5am) and then put together a multipart meal which is usually far too exhausting but with the prednisone is possible for now. I've eaten what I can now (less than half what I prepared) and now I'm sitting and waiting to see if I'm Done or just need a moment to let it settle. 

I never would have thought in my teens even though I already had a stress sensitive stomache, that I would ever see eating as exhausting or frustrating because I truly love food. I don't love to cook but thar is because I am prone to dropping things, burning myself, and falling without warning and all of those ate much higher risk with low bloodsugar because of POTS. 

That has been exactly my experience the last few years though as diverticulosis has greatly reduced what I can safely eat, and having pre-diabetic bloodsugar numbers for slightly longer has made it challenging to make sure I eat enough to keep meds down but not so much I'm breaking the delicate balance of "abled" energy I have to work with.

I don't wish to be anyone but me, however I do wish there was a proper and permanent cure for some of my illnesses because having fragile guts AND hormone problems AND POTS, EDS, Asthma and more means I am swimming in tiny circles with broken limbs trying not to drown in life. 

It was Faceblindness

I figured out what I was trying to say on my post about South Korean television and culture. After that post I had at least one conversation with Faythe and another including Mom expressing my absolute delight and bafflement in discovering that I am distinctly less faceblind with South Koreans in particular. I may not get their anglicized name right but I ABSOLUTELY recognize the faces of at least 80% of the Korean actors, entertainers, etc that I've come across through watching "Men on a Mission" as well as watching and re-watching the K-dramas I've enjoyed.

In contrast let's say I am shown 100 American women all from large metropolitan cities. They may have different haircuts, clothes, distinctive features but my brain goes "face round like potato, this distinct complexion, a This is a Brunette White American Woman". That's it. No further helpful information on that face. It's one kind of vague image that literally every brunette with light skin looks like to me if they are roughly average in hight and/or build. I can recognize with certainly from any mainly white culture (Specifically I'm thinking America, Canada, England) maybe 2% of the faces I see. When they aren't white I have a higher chance of being able to recognize them.

In contrast if you show me 300 Korean actors, singers, bit comedians, I can say with 80% certainty if I've seen them before. I may even be able to tell you who they are, what I saw them in, and some details about their likes, dislikes, and personality. ALL OF THAT INFORMATION IS LESS THAN 5 YEARS OLD TO ME. 

Do I recognize someone I worked with or went to school with in Texas? Unlikely, unless they are not white. 

Do I remember my FAR more ethnically diverse coworkers, colleagues and fellow students from Virginia? 90% likely. 

I've determined the thing that "feeds" my faceblindness is the cultural need to conform physically and aesthetically with the "herd". While that probably happens in other specific groups, I don't have as hard a time remembering other ethnic groups. In Texas because of the population density I struggle a little with telling Latin folks apart but not as much as their white counterparts, and if I'm mistaken I apologize and explain that I deal with faceblindness and please do tell me if I mistake you for another person. Like if there are two similar build nurses with same hair/eye color, I might use their scrub styles to differentiate, or accessories like jewelry or watches. 

Basically I hadn't quite found the words yet when I posted my almost figured it out discovery. 

I explained to Mom in particular that when I'm watching Men on Mission while I can't recognize a dialect exactly, I can recognize the idols even when their hair changes length, color, style. I do NOT have that working for me with any other distinct culture. It's almost like I'm not faceblind at all for South Korea.

I can also tell based on what I've learned if a family or clan orginated in Northern Korea closer to Japan (I think, my geography is spotty) or Southern Korea. There is a percentage where I can recognize distinct genetic markers in facial shape, skin tone, color and shape, from Mongolian ancestry in addition to their Korean roots. 

There are also naturally curly haired people all across Korea and while it seems like a low percentage its not super uncommon for boys during a sudden growth spurt to suddenly have curly hair when it was mostly straight until then. I've seen this phenomenon in some men with delayed puberty in America and England so I know there is a hormonal precedent for that specific trait. 

My own hair got much more loose curly before it thinned severely, and I had curls as a baby but when Jenni cut off my baby curls my hair was almost completely straight and would not hold curl from a curling iron at all. 5 years ago my hair was just beginning to thin from stress and also thyroid issues but the hair that is still thick (on the sides mainly) is quite curly compared to anything from youth. 

So basically I was really excited because I can recognize Korean people with about 80% accuracy. The actors and entertainers at least. Even when I "woke up" at 3am because my stimulant unexpectedly kicked in as I was trying to sleep my brain went "oh oh! That idol from that group 3 episodes ago, he was the older brother of Lieutenant Park in Signal in their childhood/past scenes. I knew that I knew his face and that he had played a major minor role and his character had been very kind. I started re-watching Signal a week or so ago and took a break before the next heavy part of the main story.

ADHD + Disordered sleep frustration.

It is 3am April 21st, 2022 when I began typing, and 3:58am when I finished and skimmed for spelling or auto replace errors.

I am currently on second course of antibiotics since the sinus infection cleared from my sinuses but is trying to take root in my lungs (because my history of pneumonia means its too dangerous to ignore whistling and crackling noises in my lungs). Current dose a two week course of Doxycycline and is roughly a month after the Z-Pak which knocked it out of the sinuses but didn't quite kill it. I'm on end of week one of the two week course.

My fever is inconsistent after the first few days which highest on Sunday(?) or Monday at °99.8F, resting closer to my normal temp (°97F flat) but still a bit warm, but I also run low fevers with my migraines so I have to take that in mind. 

I'm no longer obviously draining into my lungs but I still have some cough/tickle sensation which feels reflexive rather than a response to anything actually being in my throat. 

So that said, the last two or three days I've mostly slept. I slept in chunks Monday or Tuesday, or both in longer chunks than I've been used to getting and somewhat more restful but not on my "standard" circadian rhythm. 

I felt like I was awake forever yesterday but I slept for at least two long naps from 2am-ish to somewhere around 8am then like.. maybe 11am to 3pm, and another nap sometime after that didn't take super well.

I'm still pretty food averse and also got the results back (via phone call to voicemail from our doc) on our bloodwork with some not great news which means more stress which means more disordered sleep and more stress about trying to eat regularly and carefully. 

Basically my 12(?) years of Testosterone therapy has made my migraines come back which I knew (it wasn't immediate but gradual), my cholesterol jumped up a few points to a "let's be careful" level, and my blood sugar went from probably pre-diabetic where it has hovered for at least three years without crossing over to, definitely early diabetic. 

This is especially frustrating because my connective tissues are fragile as hell which is standard with H-EDS and POTS (at least when co-morbid as I have), so my diverticulosis is SEVERE and my diet is mainly bread, cheese, meat, and whatever low amounts of other grains, veggies, and fruits I can get my body to tolerate, which actually translates to I mainly survive on frozen food or varied starch or meat based soups because they require low prep and cause the least distress to my guts. 

If I have a salad I need to bury it in like hard boiled egg, cheese, dressing, croutons, minimum and I like to put bacon crumbles on it when possible. That alone still gives me severe cramping for 2 days minimum. So last time we also got a to-go pizza and had that with our giant salad and I had much less pain afterwards. 

My only serious staple as far as my pain is concerned is my mountain dew. Some days I may have 1 can, other days I may have 3. I've cut soda out in the past pre-chronic migraine but none of my medicine works as well without that sugar caffeine balance. 

I also have a serious intolerance for artificial sugars. They TEAR UP MY GUTS and always have. I gave up yogurt very suddenly in the late 90s because all the brands I could stand the texture of used aspartame. I kept getting stomache aches when I was trying to have yogurt to settle stomache aches. 

So I'm newly told that I'm early diabetic and that we know my diet is limited because of these reasons but I should do my best to cut out sugar. And yes I absolutely should where possible.

I can't switch to sugar free soda, and I can't quit it (I've seriously tried many times) and it is basically my 1 real source of sugar. I know bread also turns to sugar in the body but I've really been trying to keep my diet balanced and my body is just like LOL NOPE. 

THIS ISNT EVEN WHAT I ROLLER OVER MAD ABOUT. I took my morning meds a bit early so if I slept through the normal window I wouldn't miss any doses. I've done this a few times in the last two months fighting this crap first in my sinuses and now in my lungs. Today for what feels like the first time in a year or so my stimulant kicked in like it should about an hour after I took it, maybe only 30 minutes. 

The problem is I was laying down in the dark trying to get at least 2 hours of sleep to rest my eyes. Brain went "NO I'M UP AND WE HAVE IDEEAAAAAAS!!!" And that's not bad exactly but it's sure damn inconvenient when I'm exhausted from antibiotics and spotty sleep, and the stress of stopping Testosterone entirely (I didn't even get into why, it makes me make too much blood, even with anemic iron levels I have a pint extra of red blood cells, at least), and now I'm diabetic just like Dad who was NOT A RESPONSIBLE DIABETIC, and like Mom who works very hard to be responsible and eat carefully and well. I have so much love and respect for her truly for listening to her doctors and putting the effort in.

I will probably end up needing a diabetic medicine but unless my blood magically thins on its own and my connective tissue magically gets healthy and strong, most put at me at high risk for invisible internal bleeding or stroke. Add into that, my necessarily limited diet to not literally rip my guts open and my inability to do without soda and I feel like the worst most irresponsible diabetic in the world. I like sweets but I really cut them mostly out when my blood sugar started showing pre-diabetic. 

I'm so frustrated. 

My Meandering Exploration of South Korean Culture

I've started watching *Korean dramas sometime pre-pandemic (honestly, no idea when I watched the first, just that it was an international procedural crime drama, and I loved it) and at some point Netflix started showing other Korean shows too like variety programs, comedy specials, etc. 

I've been watching a light-hearted variety show "Men on a Mission"(previous English title was Knowing Bros) in chunks of a few episodes at a go (or sometimes just 10 minutes) for a while, and I know the main cast of hosts pretty well.

Earlier, I needed a breath, so I switched to a thriller(?) with a supernatural revenge plot. I've learned that while I do NOT like horror or suspense, the cultural difference is such that I'm not scared by Korean horror genre so far. I'm not going out of my way, looking for more. 

When I went looking for something a little different, I re-watched a stand-up special by. Korean artist and realised he was one of the main hosts on this other show, and I now had CONTEXT for a bunch of his jokes. The first time I watched it, I had no idea who he was, but I didn't hate it. 

I'm on "season 4" which is not quite accurate as there were at least two new years specials and Chuseok specials in season 1 which on description was a collection of soem of the best episodes from the first two years. 

I've been looking up terms and learned that Chuseok is what dramas have referred to as Korean Thanksgiving, which baffled me as I think of that particular word associated with North American Colonists. Learning that it is part harvest festival and part reconnecting with family I can understand with modern context (despite the historical genocide behind American Thanksgiving) why it has been called as Korean Thanksgiving. It's the most accurate cultural equivalent despite the upsetting truth about American Thanksgiving in particular, which was not the hand holding Love Thy Neighbor event I was taught in school. 

I went a bit off sides for a moment there. So I watched the comedian Soo-geon Lee's special (made or at least released in 2021, his name is shown as Su-guen Lee) and because I'm faceblind while I thought might be him, it wasn't until he started his jokes that I was sure because many of them reference a co-host from this show, Ho-Dong Kang. I'm using American style name placement with the family name at the end for ease of use. 

A minor frustration for me is that sometimes, when I'm trying to look up a Korean celebrity, their official English spelling is NOT what I've been reading on the subtitles. I've had this frustration before trying to look up official info on an actor to see if I'm remembering them right or confusing them with an actor or entertainer with a similar look or skill set. 

So where was I going with this? I ended up watching part of either season 3 or 4 when I started because that's just where Netflix dropped me into the series. Once I realized this, I backed out and pulled up the look by episode menu and started from the first available episode. They do have the pilot episode as first, and then it skips around a bit as they hadn't settled on a concept and were nearly canceled by the end of the first 6 months.

So I've been watching this in chunks (and my understanding of Korean has improved even if just a little as they speak casually and I hear different dialects and accents from the hosts and their guests. So I've gotten possibly a much more accurate snippet of cultural information just by watching a silly yet entertaining variety show in the last few weeks or months than my at least two years of watching and sometimes re-watching my Kdramas. 

I've also seen many of the faces I have started to recognize from dramas when they were younger and so many of them started out in idol groups (both male and female) and its been weird and interesting to see them before being legal adults (age 20 in Korea I think) how very young and talented they are outside of the specific pressure cooker a drama is and shows.

I no longer remember what I wanted to share so urgently that I had to type it all out, but I probably covered it.

*For the purposes of this post, I'm clarifying that I mean South Korean if I just write Korean.

Crying Is A Journey

So for most of my life crying was something that happened only when I was angry and humiliated. Crying as a cathartic event was beyond my perview and well outside of my comfort zone if I truly had such a thing  

Years later after a whole lot of different therapists, varied anger management techniques, and a new understanding of what gaslighting is, how it works, and how it's not my fault that it happened to me over and again, my understanding of crying shifted.

Other factors at play made it challenging to cry as a release. After I started HRT in 2010 (IIRC) I temporarily lost the ability to cry at all physically. My body would not produce tears and my emotions got stuck just below the surface with no feasible way to engage in safe and healthy release. 

Eventually my equilibrium was restored such as it is, and I learned which movies or shows I could watch to trigger that need to cry. Mostly still no physical tears but no longer that feeling of things being stuck sidewise in my chest. 

This brings me to re-watching shows that I enjoy with highs and lows that can trigger this. Some of them trigger a much more intense response on 3rd or 4th watch depending on my current daily mental health. 

One that I go back to with big breaks in between is the K-Drama Stranger and Stranger 2 which is same cast (mostly) but a different story that takes place a few years later. 

Without spoilers, there is a scene in the finale that evokes an intense feeling of joy, sorrow, and indescribable loss. It's a short scene but the music sets the tone well and two of the characters discuss it later (it's a dream) and one realises (in the context on a non fantasy world) the dream feels prophetic, like a seer, though does not say so out loud. 

When I watched this scene last night I had an extreme emotional response. I had physical tears, and I was shaking almost violently from sobbing (silently). That's about as intense as I can expect and it felt strange but soothing. 

The big show result is that I woke up having gone to bed not long after, feeling better mental health-wise than I ever do this time of year.